Why did you come into my life and make my world revolve around you? I wish I'd never met you, and that's the honest truth. I wish you never came into my life and became such an important part of it. I wish I didn't have to talk to you everyday, but I know that I do. I wish I never felt this way. And I wish I would never have to say goodbye.
The first time I laid eyes on you, you were just another guy, with other friends and another life without me in it, little did I know you were none of those things, you're my soul mate. The first time I truly looked into those deep blue eyes there was something telling me you weren't truly happy, and you weren't. You still aren't. I still wonder why you were here for so long.
You were a stranger at the party, the tall, dark and handsome stranger. The girls were all over you but I can't deny that you looked amazing as Al Stephenson from 'The Best Years of Our Lives'. When I asked you who you had dressed up as, your face filled with enthusiasm talking about your favourite film, it was clearly something you were passionate about. Personally, I have no interest in old movies, but watching your face as you remember your favourite lines or plot is something I could do forever.
After the party you started hanging around with our group of friends more often, you were shy and I made an effort to talk to you, hoping you would want what I was so desperately yearning, us. Just seeing you would make my insides jump for joy and I knew you appreciated having a friend being the quiet person you were.
Eventually we got around to talking about our pasts and you said you'd grown up in Florence, Italy with your mother, but had come to live with your father for an American education. It surprised me; you don't look, nor sound, Italian. That was the day I discovered another of your expressions I could drown in. Something about Italy struck a chord in you; your face cradled a smile, but it was so far from the smile you held when remembering 'The Best Years of Our Lives' ("friends you could take with you", as you said). Something about Oakdale life pained you, and that's when you said the worst thing you could possibly have said to me.
'I'm moving back in the summer.'
I pushed it down, not letting myself believe what you had just said, quickly moving the conversation on to something which didn't matter, something I wouldn't remember for the rest of my life, something I wouldn't need to concentrate on as the words formed sentences.
As the days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, we formed a bond unlike any other, the conversation would flow but the silence would be comfortable. Not seeing you one day would make me feel incomplete, I'd have to talk to you somehow; but your cell was always switched off. I could only imagine you were curled up with one of your old movies on. Something in you changed as well; you were more of yourself in front of others in our group, letting them see who you really are as well as just me. My friends finally appreciated having you around as someone they could joke with, especially about that hideous green hat you insisted on wearing in the winter because Oakdale weather is too cold for you.
Yet more time went by and we got closer. Everyday I told myself not to knit another loop in what was fast becoming something that would take longer to take apart than it did to create. But you were the wool to my constantly moving knitting needles and nothing I could do would stop that. Only the finished product wasn't there to comfort me when you were gone because you had taken the essence – yourself.
The day before you left the walls were drawing in on me, life with you was coming to a swift end and the last year replayed on my mind, sticking like a broken record on the day you told me you'd be leaving me forever. What was I meant to do without you? Who else could I have a meaningless conversation with simply about the pronunciation of a word but yet know it means much more that the surface lets on?
Before you left I felt the sorrow rip deeply through my body and I could have sworn I was on the verge of drowning myself in tears. Then you hugged me. You slung one arm around me and pulled me against your chest. I closed my eyes feeling the warmth of your embrace. Your amazing smell. Your gentle hair brushing against my skin. I never wanted you to leave, but I'm glad you left me with this whisper. 'It's heartbreaking leaving you, but I will never forget you.' and as you pulled away from me, a cold breeze sent a shiver down my spine.
The reason I wish I never met you Noah is because saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If this is what love is then I never want to fall again because the pain is too much to bear. You will never be forgotten however much I wish you could. You changed my life that year in ways even I didn't think were possible.
So tell me this, is it better to have met your soul mate and never have them, or to never have met them at all?
Keep safe,
Luke.