'Why can't it be perfect? This love's not even real.'
Megurine Luka (Lie)
'This is wrong. Why aren't these feeling gone? I know they can't be real. I know they can't be because it's wrong. It's just because we dated for a week on a dare. But then... why don't I feel that way for Ludwig, I've dated him for a year now... No I do feel that way for Ludwig (No I don't). That's why I'm dating him (No it's not).'
"Feliciano, what do you think you're doing?!" Ludwig booms upon seeing me making pasta in the kitchen again. I frown a little bit, and tilt my head to the right in silent question of his fury.
"I'm making dinner. I thought since it was late you'd be hungry," I say, my voice full of innocence and fear, as if I was afraid that Ludwig would get really mad and leave me. Not that I am actually afraid of that, this is nothing to me, despite how much I tell myself it's everything to me. Ludwig just sighs, nods, and goes back out of the kitchen to sit on the couch grumpily, obviously in a dark and dangerous mood today. Again. It's always like this with him now, why is that?
'I don't get it, this isn't how it's supposed to work. I'm supposed to always do the right thing, and he's supposed to always take it happily. That's what boyfriends do, right? So then why,' I begin thinking, 'why isn't it going like that?' The pasta is finished within the next five minutes, and I bring a bowl to Ludwig.
"I'm going home now, you look like you need some you time," I say, smiling widely. Ludwig just nods, and goes back to the book he was reading. I leave, allowing my face to scrunch in concern, worry, and pain. My head hurts just thinking about the mess I've landed myself in.
'I don't understand it. Why isn't this relationship not all that good, how is it that he's so cold and alone. I'm the one that's faking it. I'm the one who should be cold and distant, not him,' he thinks, his brow furrowing. 'I don't know what to do anymore. Should I leave him? Or should I fess up to my lie? No, no! I'm not lying! I'm telling everyone the truth. I love him (no, I love Lovino), I do! I have to. It's the only thing that makes sense. It's what is meant to be (no it isn't! None of this is right).'
Without even registering the motions, I walk into the house I share with my brother, and walks into our room. I don't even realize I'm home until I've been sitting on my bed for five whole minutes. It's another thirty seconds before I realize someone's trying to talk to me.
"Fratello? Hey, hey, Feliciano. Feliciano, what happened? Did Ludwig say something? What did that stupid kraut do now?" Lovino is demanding, his voice filled with hatred towards the 'macho potato bastard'. I blink and shake my head, slapping a smile on my face.
"Sorry Fratellone, I'm just tired. Don't worry about me!" I chirp. 'Why is my heart beating? I don't get it. What happened then was just a dare. There's no way, this thing I have with Ludwig should've helped me forget it by now. I mean, if being with him for a week made my heart start pounding at every touch, then why hasn't this thing with Ludwig done that yet? It's been a whole year...'
"Don't lie to me!" Lovino shouts, shaking my shoulders. His eyes are full of worry and concern. 'Green today, the colour of the sun shining through the leaves, the colour of life, just like him. Why are his eyes so beautiful? Why do I always feel my heart melt at them?'
"I'm not lying!" I shout back. 'Yes, I am. I'm lying to myself. No! No I'm not! This is the truth. I don't want him, I don't need him. I don't love him.' Lovino gives me a half-hearted glare, and turns to go to sleep.
"It was nothing," I mumble to myself, laying down for the night as well. I can't love him, it's impossible. He and I were just a simple dare, nothing more. We aren't meant to be. I love Ludwig (no I don't), Ludwig and I are meant to be (no we're not), he and I are perfect together (no, Lovino and I are perfect together). If I lie to myself I'll eventually believe it (no I won't). I wipe away the stray tears, and force myself to stop thinking so as to sleep.
If only something could just go the way I want it to for once.