A Screenplay by jazummeister
INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH - AFTERNOON
Loving shopkeeper LORD JOHN GOBBLE is arguing with splendid detective MS NAOMI BLAST. JOHN tries to hug NAOMI but she shakes him off.
JOHN
Please Naomi, don't leave me.
NAOMI
I'm sorry John, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
JOHN
I am such a person!
NAOMI frowns.
NAOMI
I'm sorry, John. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
NAOMI leaves.
JOHN sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, sympathetic swordsman DI JACK KHAN barges in looking flustered.
JOHN
Goodness, Jack! Is everything okay?
JACK
I'm afraid not.
JOHN
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
JACK
It's ... a shark ... I saw an evil shark thump a bunch of elderly gents!
JOHN
Defenseless elderly gents?
JACK
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
JOHN
Bloomin' heck, Jack! We've got to do something.
JACK
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
JOHN
You can start by telling me where this happened.
JACK
I was...
JACK fans himself and begins to wheeze.
JOHN
Focus Jack, focus! Where did it happen?
JACK
Sydney Opera House! That's right - Sydney Opera House!
JOHN springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
JOHN rushes along the street, followed by JACK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - SHORTLY AFTER
ALBERT BUTTERSCOTCH a proud shark terrorises two elderly gents.
JOHN, closely followed by JACK, rushes towards ALBERT, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
JACK
What is is? What's the matter?
JOHN
That's not just any old shark, that's Albert Butterscotch!
JACK
Who's Albert Butterscotch?
JOHN
Who's Albert Butterscotch? Who's Albert Butterscotch? Only the most proud shark in the universe!
JACK
Blinkin' knickers, John! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most proud shark in the universe!
JOHN
You can say that again.
JACK
Blinkin' knickers, John! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most proud shark in the universe!
JOHN
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.
Albert turns and sees John and Jack. He grins an evil grin.
ALBERT
John Gobble, we meet again.
JACK
You've met?
JOHN
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young JOHN is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees ALBERT. He takes off his headphones.
ALBERT
Would you like some fruit gums?
JOHN's eyes light up, but then he studies ALBERT more closely, and looks uneasy.
JOHN
I don't know, you look kind of proud.
ALBERT
Me? No. I'm not proud. I'm the least proud shark in the world.
JOHN
Wait, you're a shark?
JOHN runs away, screaming.
INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - PRESENT DAY
ALBERT
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
JACK
(To JOHN) You ran away?
JOHN
(To JACK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JOHN turns to ALBERT.
JOHN
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JOHN runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
JOHN
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.
ALBERT
I'm not scared of you.
JOHN
You should be.
INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY
JOHN and JACK walk around searching for something.
JOHN
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.
JACK
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.
JOHN
You know nothing Jack Khan.
JACK
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ALBERT appears, holding a pair of arrows.
ALBERT
Looking for something?
JACK
Crikey, John, he's got your arrows.
JOHN
Tell me something I don't already know!
JACK
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
JOHN
I know that already!
JACK
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
ALBERT
(appalled) Dude!
While ALBERT is looking at JACK with disgust, JOHN lunges forward and grabs his deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.
JOHN
Prepare to die, you proud parsnip!
ALBERT
No please! All I did was thump a bunch of elderly gents!
NAOMI enters, unseen by any of the others.
JOHN
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! John Gobble defender of innocent elderly gents.
ALBERT
Don't hurt me! Please!
JOHN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!
ALBERT
Because John, I am your father.
JOHN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
JOHN
No you're not!
ALBERT
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ALBERT tries to grab the arrows but JOHN dodges out of the way.
JOHN
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ALBERT slumps to the ground.
JACK
Did he just faint?
JOHN
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.
JOHN crouches over ALBERT's body.
JACK
Be careful, John. It could be a trick.
JOHN
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Albert Butterscotch is dead!
JOHN
What?
JOHN
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
JACK claps his hands.
JACK
So your arrows did save the day, after all.
NAOMI steps forward.
NAOMI
Is it true? Did you kill the proud shark?
JOHN
Naomi how long have you been...?
NAOMI puts her arm around JOHN.
NAOMI
Long enough.
JOHN
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Albert Butterscotch.
NAOMI
Then the elderly gents are safe?
JOHN
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.
NAOMI
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to JOHN.
JOHN
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Albert Butterscotch will never thump elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
NAOMI
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes JOHN a healing necklace
NAOMI
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
JOHN
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
JOHN
Well, if you insist.
JOHN takes the necklace.
JOHN
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.
JOHN turns to NAOMI.
JOHN
Does this mean you want me back?
NAOMI
Oh, John, of course I want you back!
JOHN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
JOHN
Well you can't have me.
NAOMI
WHAT?
JOHN
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a shark to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
NAOMI
But...
JOHN
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Jack.
JACK grins.
NAOMI
But...
JACK
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
NAOMI
John?
JOHN
I'm sorry Naomi, but I think you should skidaddle.
NAOMI leaves.
JACK turns to JOHN.
JACK
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
JOHN
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly JACK stops.
JACK
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the shark don't you?
THE END