Title: Smackdown! finals: Jack O'Neill vs. Rodney McKay
Author: Steph
Rating: PG
Spoilers: allusions to: Upgrades, 48 Hours, Meridian, Redemption parts 1 &
2
Warnings: language, strangeness, cliché-ness (out-of-character-ness),
stupidity, and attempt at parody of S/J'ers :) What a bunch of crap I have
in here! :)
Pairings: Sam/Daniel, Sam/McKay, Sam/Jack or, more accurately, JUL (Jack's
Unrequited Love ^_^)
Setting: after Redemption, season 6
Summary: Jack and McKay fight to decide who is more worthy of Sam.
Author's Notes: Wrote this all in one day. :) I'm proud of myself,
considering I write *very* slowly. To the people on the samandmack list who
came up with this idea: what would happen if Sam's interests were stuck in
a room...? and it kinda (d)evolved from there. I'll probably write the
prequels later, the previous fights and such. Well, enjoy, and feedback
goes to the "Feed my McKay clone" fund. Finally, I'm posting it b/c I don't
want to look like some kind of dork that has an account at ff.net but no
fic posted. Isn't that lame?
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1, the term Smackdown, and the acronym JUL all do
not belong to me. Stargate belongs to... well... whoever heads all that
madness ^_^, Smackdown is some wrestling crap (though I came up with it of
my own accord... no, really...), and JUL belongs to
Beth. I do, however, own a McKay clone and this fic, though who would want
it, who knows?
/*/*/*/*/*/
Teal'c: Good evening. I am your host, Teal'c, with our special
guest announcer, Daniel Jackson, back temporarily from the higher
plane.
(applause)
Daniel: Thanks, Teal'c; I'm glad to be back. After this fight is
finished, I'm going back to study Riddles 101 with Oma. Now, who's
fighting? Teal'c: O'Neill and Dr. McKay. Daniel: Dr. McK -- isn't he the one who wanted to leave you in the 'gate? Teal'c: Indeed, Daniel Jackson. Daniel: I thought he was in Russia.
Teal'c: He was. However, he was called back when Anubis tried to
destroy the Chappa'ai and now it would appear that he is attracted
to Major Carter and vice versa. Daniel: So Sam has fallen for a guy that tried to *kill* you? Teal'c: I would not word it as such, but you are correct. Daniel: Hey, Teal'c, it's starting. (motions to ring) Who do you think will win?
Teal'c: O'Neill seems to have the upper hand, yet I believe Dr.
McKay will do whatever it takes to be allowed to date Major Carter. Daniel: I don't think Jack would give up that easily. All: ... Daniel: Wait a minute. Sam's the referee? Teal'c: She is, indeed.
Sam: (with microphone in the ring) On the left we have the self-
acclaimed "Goa'uld Killer" and most sarcastic man on base. As you
know, he has gone unbeaten since the Smackdown! competition began
three years ago. However, he has not been able to take advantage of
his position because of regulations. Give it up for Jack O'Neill!
(lots of applause)
Sam: And now, we have what may be O'Neill's biggest competition
yet. He has fought well against his other opponents and even
challenges the "Most Sarcastic" title. Either he's bold or just
didn't calculate the risks correctly. Let me introduce Rodney McKay!
(booing, little applause) Random Girl: Come on, McKay! You can do it! Kick Jack's ass!
(riot breaks out) Teal'c: This will be a very interesting fight. Daniel: I'm betting on Jack. What about you, Teal'c? Teal'c: I am unsure. I cannot see either one losing. Daniel: Hey, Teal'c, look! Sam has just told them to start. Teal'c: O'Neill has just body slammed Dr. McKay. Daniel: Uh, Teal'c? Teal'c: Yes, Daniel Jackson? Daniel: Maybe you should just call him McKay. Teal'c: Indeed. All: (captivated by fight) Daniel: See, Teal'c? I told you Jack would win. Teal'c: But the fight is not over.
Daniel: I don't get it. You said that Sam likes this McKay guy,
right? Why are they even holding the Smackdown competition?
Teal'c: O'Neill did not wish to give up his title. Plus, McKay
challenged O'Neill's "Most Sarcastic" title. Daniel: Wait a minute... what's that?
Random Girl: (runs up to ring) McKay, here! Put this on your arm!
(throws Atanik armband at McKay before being tackled by S/J'ers) McKay: (puts on armband) S/J'er 1: Where did you get that? S/J'er 2: Why the hell are you helping *him*?! Random Girl: (shrugs) I ripped it off Freya before I killed her. S/J'er 3: Really? S/J'ers: (jump for joy and give "random girl" high-fives) Random Girl: (smirks and goes back to seat) Daniel: Teal'c! Did you see that? Teal'c: Indeed. It appears that a girl tossed an Atanik armband to McKay. Daniel: Dammit! And I thought I had an easy 50 bucks! Teal'c: With whom did you bet with, Daniel Jackson? Daniel: That girl in the audience. (shrugs) I figured it was easy money. Teal'c: McKay is now gaining the upper hand.
Daniel: Wow, Teal'c, I can't believe how fast the armband is
working. I think it's already at full! Teal'c: Perhaps it is modified. Daniel: I don't think Jack has much of a chance now. Come on, Jack! McKay: (beats up Jack) Jack: (makes weird motions) Daniel: What do you think Jack's doing?
(pink glow and rose petals surround Jack)
Sam: Daniel, Teal'c, I think the Colonel's doing some kind of
time spell to counteract McKay's armband. Daniel: Wouldn't the armband and the time spell be cheating, Sam? Sam: ...
McKay: (turns to Sam) Major, what makes you think that he's using
a time spell?! It is *completely* implausible that he would even
*know* one!
Sam: When *we* used the armbands, it took hours for our bodies
to get used to them, and days before they fell off. Are you
experiencing multiple organ failure yet?
McKay: Isn't it just possible that my body reacts differently and
the Colonel is using special effects? Daniel: Is it just me, or is this McKay guy talking like Sam? Teal'c: It is not just you, Daniel Jackson.
(light on McKay's armband goes out) McKay: (collapses) Sam: (runs to McKay and puts arm up) Hold on a second, Colonel. Jack: Hey, *he's* the one who put it on. Daniel: Shouldn't the countdown be started? Sam: (inspects McKay quickly for injuries) ... Okay... 1... 2... McKay: (sits up) I'm okay. I'm okay. Audience: (glares at McKay) Teal'c: --And McKay is up, with a 2-count. Daniel: Teal'c, where'd you learn to announce like that? Teal'c: I believe it is the Tau'ri sporting event called "the WWF." Daniel: You watch wrestling, Teal'c?! Teal'c: Indeed. It is very amusing. Daniel: Anyway... back to the fight. Teal'c: I cannot tell what is going on. Daniel: Sam, what *is* going on? Sam: McKay is using an explanation of Quantum Numbers to induce a coma. Teal'c: Is Dr. Frasier nearby? Sam: Yeah, and personally, I think she's hoping McKay wins. Daniel: What about you, Sam? Sam: ...
McKay: The third quantum number is the magnetic quantum number,
representing the orientation of an electron orbital as relating to
other -- Jack: (collapses) Sam: 1... 2... 3.
Teal'c: And now, after a long fight with many unconventional
fighting methods, it would seem that Dr. Rodney McKay has overthrown
O'Neill as Smackdown! champion! Daniel: Hey, Teal'c, you've gotten good at this. Teal'c: Arigato, Daniel Jackson. Daniel: Japanese too! Wow, Teal'c, you *are* good!
Sam: (raises McKay's hand champion-style, shakes her head, and
whispers) I never thought you'd actually do it. McKay: (smirks and whispers) Impressed? Random Girl: Woo-hoo! He did it! (runs to ring) McKay, can I have your autograph?
McKay: (whispers to Sam) I'll be right back. (walks to edge of
ring) Okay... do you have a pen? Random Girl: (hands McKay pen) You know, you look like that guy in Cube. McKay: (shrugs) I never saw that movie.
Random Girl: You should. (grins) Well, I won't take away any more of
your time with Sam so... good luck! (winks and leaves) Daniel: Man, I lost 50 bucks! Teal'c: That was indeed unwise of you to bet with that girl. Daniel: I guess Sam's happy. I wish *I* could have participated... Teal'c: Are you jealous, Daniel Jackson? Daniel: Of course not...!
Stay tuned for extra footage!
/*/*/*/*/*/
Interview with Sam Carter: Daniel: Well, Sam, what did you think about this year's tournament?
Sam: I certainly wasn't expecting anything that happened.
Although I must say *this* was the most interesting fight I've
witnessed in a while...
Daniel: What *are* your feelings about Dr. McKay? Last I checked,
you two weren't exactly getting along.
Sam: Actually, about three months after you left, he was
brought back to the SGC to help save the world, and we began to get
along better after that. Daniel: So he almost didn't make the deadline? Sam: Almost. I think he was a week beforehand. Daniel: Well... um... have a nice time. Sam: You too, Daniel.
/*/*/*/*/*/
Interview with Random Girl in the audience: Teal'c: What is your name? Steph: Ah, just call me Steph. Teal'c: Why did you choose to help Dr. McKay?
Steph: He needed it! I mean, you're observant, Teal'c, can't you
tell? They belong together! Teal'c: (raises eyebrow) Steph: Oh, and have you seen Daniel? He owes me $50. Teal'c: He is over there. Steph: Thanks, Teal'c!
/*/*/*/*/*/
Interview with McKay: Daniel: McKay. (nods at McKay) McKay: Yeah, that would be me. Daniel: How'd you know that Jack would be defeated like that?
McKay: Some advice I was given. You know, that girl in the
audience... the one that cheered for me... Daniel: (sighs) I know. Steph: Daniel! Where's my money? ... Oh, hi, McKay. (smiles) Daniel: (hands Steph money) Fine, here's your money. Now leave. Steph: Okay. (leaves) Daniel: Take care of Sam... or else. McKay: Or what? Daniel: Or I'll come back and kick your ass. McKay: Oh, okay. I'll just get some coffee and a donut, and wait for Major Carter.
/*/*/*/*/*/
Behind the scenes footage: McKay: Major Carter? Sam: I guess you should call me Sam, now. McKay: Okay... Sam... what's the point of this Smackdown!, anyway?
Sam: Just a way for the Colonel to keep everyone else away from
me. He's very jealous, actually, of any other man I'm seen with. McKay: And that's why half of the competitors are dead? Sam: It makes the Colonel look good. And you... now. McKay: Well... Sam... (looks down) Sam: (puts arm around McKay) Yeah...? McKay: Uh... do you happen to have a hospital gown nearby? Sam: (smiles) We could always ask Janet...
----- end! (that is, until I decide to write the prequels! :))
/*/*/*/*/*/
Teal'c: Good evening. I am your host, Teal'c, with our special
guest announcer, Daniel Jackson, back temporarily from the higher
plane.
(applause)
Daniel: Thanks, Teal'c; I'm glad to be back. After this fight is
finished, I'm going back to study Riddles 101 with Oma. Now, who's
fighting? Teal'c: O'Neill and Dr. McKay. Daniel: Dr. McK -- isn't he the one who wanted to leave you in the 'gate? Teal'c: Indeed, Daniel Jackson. Daniel: I thought he was in Russia.
Teal'c: He was. However, he was called back when Anubis tried to
destroy the Chappa'ai and now it would appear that he is attracted
to Major Carter and vice versa. Daniel: So Sam has fallen for a guy that tried to *kill* you? Teal'c: I would not word it as such, but you are correct. Daniel: Hey, Teal'c, it's starting. (motions to ring) Who do you think will win?
Teal'c: O'Neill seems to have the upper hand, yet I believe Dr.
McKay will do whatever it takes to be allowed to date Major Carter. Daniel: I don't think Jack would give up that easily. All: ... Daniel: Wait a minute. Sam's the referee? Teal'c: She is, indeed.
Sam: (with microphone in the ring) On the left we have the self-
acclaimed "Goa'uld Killer" and most sarcastic man on base. As you
know, he has gone unbeaten since the Smackdown! competition began
three years ago. However, he has not been able to take advantage of
his position because of regulations. Give it up for Jack O'Neill!
(lots of applause)
Sam: And now, we have what may be O'Neill's biggest competition
yet. He has fought well against his other opponents and even
challenges the "Most Sarcastic" title. Either he's bold or just
didn't calculate the risks correctly. Let me introduce Rodney McKay!
(booing, little applause) Random Girl: Come on, McKay! You can do it! Kick Jack's ass!
(riot breaks out) Teal'c: This will be a very interesting fight. Daniel: I'm betting on Jack. What about you, Teal'c? Teal'c: I am unsure. I cannot see either one losing. Daniel: Hey, Teal'c, look! Sam has just told them to start. Teal'c: O'Neill has just body slammed Dr. McKay. Daniel: Uh, Teal'c? Teal'c: Yes, Daniel Jackson? Daniel: Maybe you should just call him McKay. Teal'c: Indeed. All: (captivated by fight) Daniel: See, Teal'c? I told you Jack would win. Teal'c: But the fight is not over.
Daniel: I don't get it. You said that Sam likes this McKay guy,
right? Why are they even holding the Smackdown competition?
Teal'c: O'Neill did not wish to give up his title. Plus, McKay
challenged O'Neill's "Most Sarcastic" title. Daniel: Wait a minute... what's that?
Random Girl: (runs up to ring) McKay, here! Put this on your arm!
(throws Atanik armband at McKay before being tackled by S/J'ers) McKay: (puts on armband) S/J'er 1: Where did you get that? S/J'er 2: Why the hell are you helping *him*?! Random Girl: (shrugs) I ripped it off Freya before I killed her. S/J'er 3: Really? S/J'ers: (jump for joy and give "random girl" high-fives) Random Girl: (smirks and goes back to seat) Daniel: Teal'c! Did you see that? Teal'c: Indeed. It appears that a girl tossed an Atanik armband to McKay. Daniel: Dammit! And I thought I had an easy 50 bucks! Teal'c: With whom did you bet with, Daniel Jackson? Daniel: That girl in the audience. (shrugs) I figured it was easy money. Teal'c: McKay is now gaining the upper hand.
Daniel: Wow, Teal'c, I can't believe how fast the armband is
working. I think it's already at full! Teal'c: Perhaps it is modified. Daniel: I don't think Jack has much of a chance now. Come on, Jack! McKay: (beats up Jack) Jack: (makes weird motions) Daniel: What do you think Jack's doing?
(pink glow and rose petals surround Jack)
Sam: Daniel, Teal'c, I think the Colonel's doing some kind of
time spell to counteract McKay's armband. Daniel: Wouldn't the armband and the time spell be cheating, Sam? Sam: ...
McKay: (turns to Sam) Major, what makes you think that he's using
a time spell?! It is *completely* implausible that he would even
*know* one!
Sam: When *we* used the armbands, it took hours for our bodies
to get used to them, and days before they fell off. Are you
experiencing multiple organ failure yet?
McKay: Isn't it just possible that my body reacts differently and
the Colonel is using special effects? Daniel: Is it just me, or is this McKay guy talking like Sam? Teal'c: It is not just you, Daniel Jackson.
(light on McKay's armband goes out) McKay: (collapses) Sam: (runs to McKay and puts arm up) Hold on a second, Colonel. Jack: Hey, *he's* the one who put it on. Daniel: Shouldn't the countdown be started? Sam: (inspects McKay quickly for injuries) ... Okay... 1... 2... McKay: (sits up) I'm okay. I'm okay. Audience: (glares at McKay) Teal'c: --And McKay is up, with a 2-count. Daniel: Teal'c, where'd you learn to announce like that? Teal'c: I believe it is the Tau'ri sporting event called "the WWF." Daniel: You watch wrestling, Teal'c?! Teal'c: Indeed. It is very amusing. Daniel: Anyway... back to the fight. Teal'c: I cannot tell what is going on. Daniel: Sam, what *is* going on? Sam: McKay is using an explanation of Quantum Numbers to induce a coma. Teal'c: Is Dr. Frasier nearby? Sam: Yeah, and personally, I think she's hoping McKay wins. Daniel: What about you, Sam? Sam: ...
McKay: The third quantum number is the magnetic quantum number,
representing the orientation of an electron orbital as relating to
other -- Jack: (collapses) Sam: 1... 2... 3.
Teal'c: And now, after a long fight with many unconventional
fighting methods, it would seem that Dr. Rodney McKay has overthrown
O'Neill as Smackdown! champion! Daniel: Hey, Teal'c, you've gotten good at this. Teal'c: Arigato, Daniel Jackson. Daniel: Japanese too! Wow, Teal'c, you *are* good!
Sam: (raises McKay's hand champion-style, shakes her head, and
whispers) I never thought you'd actually do it. McKay: (smirks and whispers) Impressed? Random Girl: Woo-hoo! He did it! (runs to ring) McKay, can I have your autograph?
McKay: (whispers to Sam) I'll be right back. (walks to edge of
ring) Okay... do you have a pen? Random Girl: (hands McKay pen) You know, you look like that guy in Cube. McKay: (shrugs) I never saw that movie.
Random Girl: You should. (grins) Well, I won't take away any more of
your time with Sam so... good luck! (winks and leaves) Daniel: Man, I lost 50 bucks! Teal'c: That was indeed unwise of you to bet with that girl. Daniel: I guess Sam's happy. I wish *I* could have participated... Teal'c: Are you jealous, Daniel Jackson? Daniel: Of course not...!
Stay tuned for extra footage!
/*/*/*/*/*/
Interview with Sam Carter: Daniel: Well, Sam, what did you think about this year's tournament?
Sam: I certainly wasn't expecting anything that happened.
Although I must say *this* was the most interesting fight I've
witnessed in a while...
Daniel: What *are* your feelings about Dr. McKay? Last I checked,
you two weren't exactly getting along.
Sam: Actually, about three months after you left, he was
brought back to the SGC to help save the world, and we began to get
along better after that. Daniel: So he almost didn't make the deadline? Sam: Almost. I think he was a week beforehand. Daniel: Well... um... have a nice time. Sam: You too, Daniel.
/*/*/*/*/*/
Interview with Random Girl in the audience: Teal'c: What is your name? Steph: Ah, just call me Steph. Teal'c: Why did you choose to help Dr. McKay?
Steph: He needed it! I mean, you're observant, Teal'c, can't you
tell? They belong together! Teal'c: (raises eyebrow) Steph: Oh, and have you seen Daniel? He owes me $50. Teal'c: He is over there. Steph: Thanks, Teal'c!
/*/*/*/*/*/
Interview with McKay: Daniel: McKay. (nods at McKay) McKay: Yeah, that would be me. Daniel: How'd you know that Jack would be defeated like that?
McKay: Some advice I was given. You know, that girl in the
audience... the one that cheered for me... Daniel: (sighs) I know. Steph: Daniel! Where's my money? ... Oh, hi, McKay. (smiles) Daniel: (hands Steph money) Fine, here's your money. Now leave. Steph: Okay. (leaves) Daniel: Take care of Sam... or else. McKay: Or what? Daniel: Or I'll come back and kick your ass. McKay: Oh, okay. I'll just get some coffee and a donut, and wait for Major Carter.
/*/*/*/*/*/
Behind the scenes footage: McKay: Major Carter? Sam: I guess you should call me Sam, now. McKay: Okay... Sam... what's the point of this Smackdown!, anyway?
Sam: Just a way for the Colonel to keep everyone else away from
me. He's very jealous, actually, of any other man I'm seen with. McKay: And that's why half of the competitors are dead? Sam: It makes the Colonel look good. And you... now. McKay: Well... Sam... (looks down) Sam: (puts arm around McKay) Yeah...? McKay: Uh... do you happen to have a hospital gown nearby? Sam: (smiles) We could always ask Janet...
----- end! (that is, until I decide to write the prequels! :))