It was a normal day at the Akatsuki hideout. Itachi was sleeping peacefully in bed, until...
"IT'S THAT TIME OF THE DAY AGAIN, FOLKS! MORNING! YOU GOT IT, MORNING!"
"Shut up..." Itachi grumbled, slamming a hand down on the alarm clock. Yipes... Too bad he was a ninja. The clock shattered... Into a zillion pieces...
"The radio is right, you know," Kisame mused.
"ACK! KISAME, HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET IN MY ROOM?"
"I dunno. How the heck did you lose your cool?"
"I hate mornings."
"Why?"
"Because they're all the same."
"How?"
"Because every single morning of every single day, we travel all the way to Konoha, which is normally a three day journey for any normal person, and then we travel all the way back after failing our mission to capture that stupid Kyuubi!"
"And your point is?"
At this point, the very annoyed Itachi grabbed what seemed to be the ceiling and pulled down a flashback. (Wow, that was odd.)
The Flashback
Itachi and Kisame walked into Konoha. Naruto was standing there at the gates for some reason, don't ask why; I'm too lazy to write such trivial things.
"Uhg. You two again, just like episode 85!" Naruto grumbled.
"They didn't show up on episode 85, Naruto!" Sakura screeched at him. "They showed up on episode 84!"
"And your point?"
"Uhg!" the pink haired shinobi muttered, and stormed off.
"Well?" Itachi asked with a sigh. "You coming or not?"
"Are you kidding?" Naruto asked them in a 'you must be some sort of idiot' kind of tone, "You two plan on taking me to Akatsuki, getting the demon fox, Kyuubi, and then I die in the process! What kind of IDIOT would POSSIBLY just go with you?"
At this point, Kisame coughed a "You would."
Naruto smiled. "Oh Saaaaaaaasuke, guess who's here to seeeeeeeeeee you!"
Itachi widened his eyes. "No... No... No, don't call-"
"ITAAAAAAAAAAACHIIIIIIIIIIIII!" the rabid boy screeched. Boy, Sasuke must have spent so much time plotting to kill Itachi that he neglected his pride! COOL!
He proceeded to attack the elder Uchiha with a katana while Naruto laughed and walked away, muttering, 'idiots.'
End Flashback
"Oh, come on, Itachi. Not all of our attempts ended like that!" Kisame insisted.
Itachi glared and got another flashback ready to show the idiot in front of him.
Flashback Number 2
Itachi and Kisame walk into Konoha, bla bla bla, due to some stupid guards taking an early break, they aren't noticed, bla bla bla, Kakashi was too busy screaming at Iruka things like, "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU? MY MASK MUST STAY ON MY FACE! IT KEEPS ME MYSTERIOUS!"
"Come on, Kakashi! People have been wanting to see your real face since episode 1!"
"I WASN'T ON EPISODE 1 OR 2!"
"Well, ever since episode 3! And then they forgot, and then episode 101 reminded them again! JUST TAKE OFF THE MASK!"
"YOU WANT ME TO TAKE OFF THE MASK? FINE! Underneath this mask is... ANOTHER MASK!"
Iruka sweatdropped.
"I see why you left the village..." Kisame mumbled. "It's full of idiots..."
"I find Akatsuki to be very much like Konoha, actually," Itachi replied calmly, recalling the arguments Deidera and Sasori often had.
"Art is something that is preserved and lasts forever," Sasori stated.
"ART IS SOMETHING THAT LASTS FOR A FEW SECONDS AND EXPLODES IN A SUDDEN FLASH OF BEAUTY!" Deidera argued. "UN!"
"I still fail to understand why Deidera says 'un' after ever sentence..." Kisame said.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Naruto screeched. "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING?"
"Eh?" Itachi walked over to see what was happening.
"HOW COULD THEY MAKE OLD LADY TSUNADE HOKAGE? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HOKAGE!" the blonde was throwing a temper tantrum while Sakura covered her ears. Itachi breathed a sigh of relief. His brother wasn't there... That meant he wouldn't be attacked again. He rubbed the very bad wound he had on his shoulder. Sasuke wasn't an Uchiha for nothing, he was a skilled fighter, Itachi had to admit.
"Naruto," Itachi called.
"SHUT UP, ITACHI!" Naruto replied in an 'I'm not surprised you're here' way. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HAVING A BIT OF A MOMENT HERE?"
"PLEASE!" Sakura begged the two Akatsuki members. "TAKE HIM AWAY!"
"Of all people to be assigned the mission of capturing Naruto, it had to be me..." Itachi was muttering under his breath.
"ITAAAAAAAAACHIIIIIIIII!"
"Well," Kisame said nervously. "Seems Sasuke was here after all!"
End Flashback 2
"Hey, look on the bright side! Sasuke went to Orochimaru, remember? He won't be able to-"
"My little brother isn't the only thing standing in our way," Itachi insisted, getting out yet another flashback.
Flashback 3... Wow, that's a lot of failed capture attempts! LOL!
"No, no, no!" Itachi hissed. "Sasuke being with Orochimaru to train is too good to be true! I won't risk getting all my ribs broken again!"
"Even if he's still there," Kisame grunted, dragging Itachi through Konoha's gates, "It's your own fault for killing your clan and not taking him down, too!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!" both Naruto and Choji screamed.
'What is it THIS time?" Sakura asked, annoyed.
"THE RAMEN STORE IS CLOOOOOOOOOOOOSED!" both the ramen fanatics sobbed.
"Naruto-" Itachi called, but was interrupted.
"SHUT UP!" Naruto ordered in a very scary tone. "The ramen store is closed... You picked a very bad time to come to Konoha!"
"Uh-oh..." Kisame muttered, Naruto's eyes already red, demon chakra surging through him.
"Wait!" Itachi insisted. "We aren't Itachi and Kisame! We're traveling... Uh... Ramen store open-uppers!"
Both Choji and Naruto all of a sudden had big sparkly eyes. "We thought the ramen fairies weren't real!" the gasped. "IT'S TRUE! THE RAMEN FAIRIES HAVE COME TO SAVE ICHIRAKU'S!"
"Yeah..." Kisame said nervously. "Anyway... We ramen fairies have got to talk for a moment... Alone."
Five seconds later...
"ITACHI HOW THE HECK ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS?"
"Calm down, Kisame, we can just make a break for it now."
"Are you kidding? He'll go Kyuubi and attempt to kill us!"
"Good point... Well, we'll just have to do what we said we would do."
"And how do you propose to do that?"
Five minutes later...
"YOU ARE GOING TO OPEN THE RAMEN STORE NOW!" Kisame ordered Ichiraku and Ayame.
"But we're going on vacation!" Ichiraku insisted.
Itachi grabbed the plane tickets. "Too bad. Deidera and Sasori get these now. It'll be good to get them away for awhile..."
"Fine!" Ichiraku insisted. "Just keep that weird sword away from me!"
Kisame glared. "Sameheda is not weird!" He proceeded to hug the blade, somehow now killing himself. "Are you, Sameheda-chan?"
Itachi gave him a blank stare. "It has a gender?"
"No, but give me credit for creativity!"
"Whatever..."
"HEY! YOU AREN'T THE RAMEN FAIRY!" someone who looked exactly like Itachi yelled.
Someone who looked exactly like Kisame then yelled, "IMPOSTERS! WE'RE THE REAL RAMEN FAIRIES!"
"Kisame?" Itachi asked quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Since when were we in one of those American cartoons where things that only have a 0.000000001 percent chance of occurring happen?"
"I don't know and don't care."
"PHONIES!" the Kyuubi-fied Naruto screeched, chasing after them with four tails of power.
Jiraiya watched with mild interest. "Well, that ought to get rid of two S-ranked criminals, considering I almost died after that happened to me..."
"What are the odds that the ramen fairy actually existed?" Kisame asked in an annoyed tone.
"0.0000000000000000000000001 percent. Maybe less."
End Flashback 3
"That was just bad luck that the ramen store was closed!"
"We nearly died!"
"Just bad luck."
"We. Nearly. Died."
"Since when were you afraid of dying? You attacked the entire Uchiha clan!"
"Contrary to popular belief, the Uchihas were wimps."
"You called your own clan wimps."
"I know."
"But that means you called yourself a wimp."
"Being less a wimp than the rest of them does not mean I'm not a wimp. Sasuke is the exception to the rule, so I let him live."
"Let me get this straight; you killed your best friend and your entire clan so you could cause people to think they were powerful and fearsome."
"Pretty much."
"That's just...Wrong."
"Your point?"
"Whatever my point, we've got to go capture-"
Flashback 4. How many flashbacks does Itachi have? -.-'
"Come on, Itachi! We henged this time!" Kisame insisted. "They won't recognize us!"
"The nin dogs can recognize us by our scent!" Itachi insisted. "A simple henge won't do anything!" (For those of you who watch the English version, hengetransformation jutsu.)
"We can mess them up by hiding our chakra signatures and-"
"NO! I'm NOT going to come close to dying AGAIN! And for some reason I can't get the smell of beef flavored ramen out of my nose!"
"Beef flavored ramen?"
"Yeah, SCC keeps thinking about beef flavored ramen at random times, so she decided to torment me with the stupid noodles, as well. (At this point SCC glared at him from off-screen and growled, "SHUT UP! NOBODY IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW I EXIST! STOP SAYING MY NAME ON CAMERA!")
A nin dog sniffed the two as they entered. Luckily, they weren't recognized. "Now what?" Kisame asked.
All of a sudden, a hundred random weasels appeared out of nowhere screaming, "WE'RE AWESOME! A VILLIAN WAS NAMED AFTER US!" (Note: Itachi is translated to weasel.)
"ACK!"
End Flashback 4
"You see where I'm getting at now?" Itachi hissed.
"Who knew the weasels thought so highly of you that they implanted an Itachi tracker in your skin while you were asleep?" Kisame asked innocently.
"Just let me go to sleep, would you?" Itachi grumbled.
"Oh, come on! They won't attack again!"
Flashback 5... OMG, I'm wondering if Itachi is as cool as he seems at this point... Five failures in a row? Give me a break! (At this point SCC told the screaming fangirls that the director said it, not her, so the fangirls chased him instead. Oh, and YB quit saying he would never be director again after SCC betrayed him and let him get beaten up by angry fangirls.)
"THE RAMEN! YOU MADE ME SPILL MY RAMEN!" Naruto wailed.
"This is why I'm beginning to hate life..." Itachi muttered. "I'm being thwarted by a crybaby."
"Uh... Itachi???" Kisame whimpered, seeing the very angry Naruto before them.
"Kyuubi will taste your blood tonight, mortals!" Naruto growled evilly.
"Let's get out of here before we get torn to shreds," Itachi suggested wearily, getting used to the constant situations where he would end up running away from the scene with Kisame.
"I agree. Let's go!"
The day ended with a broken arm, two fractured ribs, a badly bruised forehead (It was at this point the maker of ninja forehead protectors paid SCC not to tell anyone that those things aren't metal, but cheap plastic, and that SCC told everyone anyway. XD)
End of Flashback 5
"Oh, so you made a few mistakes! We've still got a-"
"Leader-sama has already threatened to fire me if I fail again. And if I get fired, I'm alone. And if I'm alone... Well... I dunno, I just don't want to get fired. I'm supposed to be perfect."
"You aren't perfect, you belong in prison!"
"So do you. And so does every ninja in the entire world. Face it, Kisame, in the ninja world, murders are like crushing ants. Nobody cares any more. If I get killed, I'll be forgotten like those idiots from episode 101 who kept trying to kill Kakashi for revenge after he ruined their chance at impressing a lady."
"You aren't going to be forgotten, Itachi."
"And what makes you think that?"
Kisame pointed to a large building. In large letters on the front, it said, "THE ITACHI FANCLUB. SASUKE FANS NOT WELCOME!"
"Anyway, let's go catch that Jinchuuriki!"
"No means no."
Flashback 6. I am SO tempted to quit the Itachi fanclub right now! This is his SIXTH failure!
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO GO! SOMETHING RANDOM IS GOING TO HAPPEN THAT WILL COME CLOSE TO KILLING US BOTH!" Itachi screeched.
"You're acting really OOC right now, Itachi."
"I DON'T CARE! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO STUPID KONOHA!"
"SHUT UP, WILL YOU? SHUT UP!" SCC ordered.
"SCC? What are you doing on the set?"
"MY DIRECTOR QUIT, AND I'M FILMING THIS ON MY OWN NOW! AND I AM IN A VERY BAD MOOD! SO SHUT UP!"
"Not my fault YB was smart," Kisame sighed.
"WHAT?"
"Erm... Nothing!"
SCC went back to the camera.
Itachi held onto the tree. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And then Sasuke and Orochimaru appeared! Sasuke wanted to kill Itachi for the Uchiha massacre, and Orochimaru wanted to kill Itachi for acting as if it was his fault he didn't have the Sharingan! Wow! So many people hold grudges against poor Weasel!
"I TOOOOOOOOOOLD YOOOOOOOOOOU!"
"Alright, alright, I get it, we've got to run! Again! But seriously, Itachi, you're a rogue nin! Show some backbone!"
"I can't... In the last flashback it was broken..."
"...SCC, you cruel, heartless person."
"I KNOW! ISN'T IT WONDERFUl?" the hyper fanfiction author replied with glee. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now... Pein-dono, you still sure there aren't any openings for a new member of Akatsuki?"
"Yes! Now go away!" the guy who everyone thought was Yondaime at first for some reason, even though he WAS NOT, IS NOT, AND WILL NEVER BE MINATO NAMIKAZE!
SCC just laughed evilly and got back behind the camera to film more of Itachi and Kisame's misadventures.
End Flashback 6
"Alright, I get it!" Kisame sighed, defeated.
"Good! Now get out of my room!"
"Whatever... Come on, Sameheda-chan."
The sword proceeded to sprout legs somehow and walk after Kisame.
Itachi rubbed his eyes. "Eh? Okay... That's it, it's official. Akatsuki is the strangest place ever."
"You're just realizing that now?" YB asked with disgust.
"Ah, well, time to go wish Kyuubi-sama a late merry Christmas," SCC sighed, walking away.
"Kyuubi's a demon, idiot!" Itachi insisted.
"So?"
Pictures of SCC lying on the ground at the demon fox's paws filled Itachi with happiness. "Oh, nothing. Go ahead."