Episode 1 Chapter One Pilot

by Charcoal Cosplay

After his alcoholic dad disappears, hunter of the supernatural and occasional man whore Dean Winchester, convinces his "out of the game" brother with a cursed wang Sam to help find him. They soon encounter a ghostly chick in white and stuff HAPPENS! Ghost in the Shell! Ghost in the cell! G-H-O-S-T go back to hell! Cause the Bitch and the Jerk are on the case!

SOOBERNATRAL

Episode 1 Chapter One Pilot

Summary: After his alcoholic dad disappears, hunter of the supernatural and occasional man whore Dean Winchester, convinces his "out of the game" brother with a cursed wang Sam to help find him. They soon encounter a ghostly chick in white and stuff HAPPENS!

Ghost in the Shell! Ghost in the cell! G-H-O-S-T go back to hell! Cause the Bitch and the Jerk are on the case!

Ext. house - night

Lawrence, You're Not in Kansas anymore, Kansas

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

A WOMAN, MARY WINCHESTER, wearing a white nightgown, carries a SMALL CHILD, her son DEAN, into a dark room.

MARY
Come on, let's say good night to your perfect brother.

INT. NURSERY - NIGHT

MARY walks down the hall to SAM's nursery. JON, seen only in silhouette, stands over SAM's crib.

YELLOW MAMA replaces baby Sam's formula bottle with that stuff from True Blood, cept in a really small dosage, cause fetal demon blood syndrome would totally jack Lucy's evil plan up... yo.

Mary walks in.

MARY

What da hey-hey?!

[Yellow Mama is Yellow Eyes/Azazel's twin brother.]

YELLOW MAMA

Don't mind me. Just feeding the baby. Bwahaha! Hahaha! Evil laugh ha!

MARY

You're not Jon!

YELLOW MAMA

Yes I am. I'm ... er... just a little jaundiced. Like the Simpsons. Cough cough cough! Zoowee!

MARY

Oh... okay. I guess I'll believe you because I'm a woman and naive and blonde. I mean, it's not like I'll be revealed to be a hunter later or something. Crazy right? Hey, wait a minute! My husband is hung-over asleep in his Lay-Z-Boy!

MARY
Sammy! Sammy!

MARY enters SAM's nursery and stops short.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Upstairs, MARY screams. JON wakes up, stumbling over his own drunk a feet.

JON
Mary? Paul? Joseph? Flubber? Garfield? This better be good. Like Dean is stuck in the oven again good.

Jon scrambles out of the chair.

JON
Mary! I'm calling your name! Please answer! Also is this shouting waking the baby?! Well?! IS IT?!

Jon trips upstairs. He'd be the reigning town drunk if it weren't for some Singer feller.

INT. NURSERY – NIGHT

Jon bursts through the closed door of the nursery.

JON
Mary.

The room is quiet and appears empty except for SAM awake in his crib and Jon. Jon glances around and pushes down the side of SAM's crib.

JON
Hey, Sammy. You okay? Want some whiskey? It always helps me sleep.

Something dark drips next to SAM. And Jon is like "Huh? What? What is that? Look at that. That Kool-Aid? When did we buy Kool-Aid?"

Jon touches it. Two more drops land on the back of Jon's hand. And he's like "Ah shit, buddy! The Kool-Aid man has come back for his revenge. I have no mouth, yet I must scream. I have no neck yet I must look up."

It looks like blood. It tastes like blood. It has the same bouncy of blood. Four out of five scientists confirmed that it was blood. The last guy was maybe Dracula?

Jon looks up. MARY is … SPRAWLED AGAINST THE F**KING CEILING! IT'S LIKE SHE GOT CAUGHT BETWEEN THE ALIEN DUDE FROM ALIEN AND THAT PREDATOR HOMBRE FROM PREDATOR! BUT NOT JASON VOORHEES, CAUSE HE HAS THE NIGHT OFF!

And Jon's all like "RUN FOR YOUR F**KING LIVES, BOYS! IT'S TOO LATE FOR US TAX PAYERS!

Mary's stomach of her nightgown red with blood, she 's staring at Jon and struggling to breathe cause … yeah.

Jon collapses onto the floor, staring at MARY. And the audience is like "Get out of there! That ain't no Jacks N. Pollock! That's some Jack D. Ripper s**t, son!"

JON
No! Mary! You can't leave me to raise two boys alone! Come down from there or I swear I'll deep throat a shotgun! I'm just buzzed enough to!

But Mary's like "Screw that, b***h! I'm dying over here! Look at me wasting away here! I coulda been a contendah!"

MARY bursts into flame. The fire spreads over the ceiling cause fire is like a major dick. Smh (-_-)

Jon stares, frozen, cause the beer is starting to wear off.

JON

I got the shakes, nigga!

SAM wails. Jon, reminded he's not alone, gets up and scoops SAM out of his crib and

rushes out of the room. Touchdown!

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

DEAN is awake and coming to investigate.

DEAN
Daddy! Fire! Hot! Ouchy! I hope this doesn't affect my overall development.

JON shoves SAM at DEAN.

JON

Turgl yurs arfa argle jamicass fas ashcan? (Unintelligible)

DEAN

Huh?

JON
Take your brother outside as fast as you can and don't look back! Now, Dan, go!

DEAN

It's Dean. And what about Mr. Mittens?

A cat meows.

JON

He'll be fine. Now, go!

DEAN turns and runs. Touchdown! JON turns back to the nursery.

JON
Mary! Are you okay now?

The entire room is on fire. MARY herself can barely be seen.

JON
No!

MR. MITTENS

No!

DANIEL BRYAN

No! No! No! No!

DANIEL BRYAN'S FANS

Yes! Yes! Yes! Ye… Wait…

EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT

DEAN runs outside, holding SAM.

DEAN
It's okay, Sammy.

SAM

Dude, I've barely learned to walk and I know it's not okay.

DEAN

Huh?

SAM

I mean, gah goo gah gah!

DEAN

That's more like it.

DEAN turns to look up at SAM's window, which is lit with gold. King Midas, you bastard!

JON runs outside, cause fire can't follow you there and scoops up DEAN and SAM, and carries them both away on a magical broomstick. A regular broomstick wouldn't have worked. Black magic for the win! Touchdown!

JON
I gotcha. Quidditch World Cup here we come!

But J.K. Rowling's like "Don't think so, JDM Romeo. Zappity zippity bippity boppity boo!"

And Jon's like "I've got to stop drinking", before cracking open another three beers.

Fire explodes out of SAM's nursery window. Looks like someone has some explosive diarrhea.

Some sexy-ass firefighters come and whoop up the blaze in a two on one handicap steel ladder cage chamber loser leaves raw meat factory pink slip coffin death bra & panty match.

Blaze screwed blaze!

And Jon, him, he's all like "I swear vengeance on this supernatural town and its descendants! I'll train my sons in the way of the warrior/Force and when they grow up all cute like as male models, death will never look so good!"

And Dean was all "Dad? Daddy? You scarin' me. I'm a-scared."

And Sam was chanting " Milk! Damn it, Ruby! Where are you? This isn't funny!"

And Ruby? Well, she didn't say anything because Eric Kripke likely didn't come up with her til season 3.

The years go by and Sammy the baby is now in college. As SAM the MAN! Dun dun dun!

He just wants to live a safe life with his girlfriend Jess and become a lawyer. Fucking conformist.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

SAM and JESS lie in bed, asleep back to back, cause Sam is a freak.

A sound outside the room, like a window opening. SAM opens his eyes. Light sleeper much?

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

SAM leaves the bedroom and stomps around the apartment like the jolly not green giant.

A window is open; earlier it must have been closed. Also it was day. Now it's night!

Before the magician can reveal just how he transforms the sun into the moon, Sam hears Footsteps. A MAN walks past the strings of beads at the far end of the hall. SAM moves to another part of the apartment and waits. Don't nobody rob Sam Winchester!

Sam pounces.

SAM

Tag! You're it! I mean, I'm making a citizen's arrest. I mean, did you bring condoms? No, wait...

MAN
Whoa, easy, tiger.

SAM breathes hard. Yeah. F yeah!

SAM
Dean?

DEAN laughs cause he totally DID bring condoms.

SAM
You scared the crap out of me! Fetch me a bucket!

DEAN
That's 'cause you're out of practice. Coo. Coo. Coo. Touch me.

SAM grabs Dean's hand and yanks, slamming his heel into Dean's back and DEAN to the floor.

DEAN
Or not.

SAM taps DEAN twice where SAM is holding him.

DEAN
Get off of me.

SAM

Safe word?

DEAN

Funkytown!

SAM rolls to his feet and pulls DEAN up.

SAM
What the hell are you doing here?

DEAN
Well, I was looking for a beer. Cause alcoholism is hereditary.

SAM
What the hell are you doing here?

DEAN
Okay. All right. We gotta talk.

SAM
Uh, the phone?

DEAN
If I'd'a called, would you have picked up?

JESS turns the light on. She is wearing very short shorts and a cropped Smurfs shirt.

JESS
Sam?

SAM and DEAN turn their heads in unison.

SAM
Jess. Hey. Dean, this is my girlfriend, Jessica.

DEAN looks at her appreciatively. He's like "Yeah. Smurf yeah!"

JESS
Wait, your brother Dean?

JESS smiles. SAM nods. DEAN grins at her and moves closer.

DEAN
Oh, I love the Smurfs. You know, I gotta tell you. You are completely out of my brother's league.

JESS
Just let me put something on.

JESS turns to go. Dean's voice stops her, cause he's f'in' Dean.

DEAN
No, no, no, I wouldn't dream of it. Seriously.

DEAN goes back over to SAM without taking his eyes off JESS. SAM watches him, his expression stony. Or horny.

DEAN
Anyway, I gotta borrow your boyfriend here, talk about some private family business.

DEAN
But, uh, nice meeting you.

SAM
No.

SAM goes over to JESS and puts an arm around her.

SAM
No, whatever you want to say, you can say it in front of her.

DEAN
Okay.

DEAN turns to look at them both straight on.

DEAN
Um. Dad hasn't been home in a few days. And Sam and I regularly take showers together.

SAM
He's just kidding… So Dad's working overtime on a Miller Time shift. He'll stumble back in sooner or later.

DEAN
Sam you damn! Dad's on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days.

SAM's expression doesn't change while he takes this in. JESS glances up at him.

SAM
Jess, excuse us. We have to go outside. But first –

SAM N' DEAN

SHOWER TIME!*

*[It's like Adventure Time but even less appropriate for kids.]

Sam's like "Wah! I'm done with hunting!"

Dean is all "Wah! I can't find Deddy without you!"

Sam's like "Okay. I mean the guy IS my father."

Dean's all "Yay! Road trip that will totally not end in angsty, horrific, and traumatizing situations!"

Audience is like "Bwahaha hahaha evil laugh ha!"

APARTMENT

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

SAM is packing eight heads in a duffel bag. He pulls out a large hook-shaped knife and slides it inside. Wham! Bam! Thank you, Sam!

JESS comes into the room.

JESS
Wait, you're taking off?

SAM looks up.

JESS
Is this about your dad? Is he all right? Wee oh wee.

SAM
Yeah. You know, just a little family drama.

JESS
What about the interview?

SAM
I'll make the interview. This is only for a couple days.

JESS
Sam, I mean, please.

SAM stops and turns.

JESS
Just stop for a second. You sure you're okay? Wanna smurf? Wanna see my smurf? Wanna touch my smurf? Wanna smurfy smurf smurf?

SAM laughs a little.

SAM
I'm fine.

JESS
It's just...you won't even talk about your family. And now you're taking off in the middle of the night to spend a weekend with them? And with Monday coming up, which is kind of a huge deal.

SAM
Hey. Everything's going to be okay. I will be back in time, I promise. I mean not in ENOUGH time, but hey.

JESS

Sam? Is there something you're not telling me? And dreams you've been having?

SAM

Nope. Gotta go!

He kisses her on the cheek and leaves.

JESS
Get yo tall sexy ass back he-a.

Some dude named Troy who thinks he's gonna get laid instead gets ganked by the show's first MOTW – Constance Welch. Beware the wraith wrath of Welch! She's a woman in white. It's scarier than it sounds.

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

The glorious Chevy Impala is parked in front of a pump.

DEAN comes out of the convenience mart carrying junk food cause hunters ain't go no time for home cooked meals or Kelsey Grammer classes.

SAM is sitting in the shotgun seat with the door open, rifling through a box of tapes cause he just went back to he future or something. Remember CDs? Yeah, tapes were before that.

DEAN
Hey!

SAM leans out and looks at him.

DEAN
You want breakfast?

SAM
No, thanks.

SAM
So how'd you pay for that stuff?

SAM
You and Dad still running credit card scams? Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean?

DEAN
Yeah, well, hunting ain't exactly a pro ball career. Ni!

DEAN puts the nozzle back on the pump cause that's the way uh-huh uh-uh the pump likes it.

DEAN
Besides, all we do is apply. It's not our fault they send us the cards. Tee hee!

SAM
Yeah? And what names did you write on the application this time, motherfucker?!

SAM swings his legs back inside the car and closes the door.

DEAN
Uh, Burt Aframian.

DEAN gets into the driver seat and puts his soda and chips down cause texting and driving is fine, but snacking while driving? Hell naw!

DEAN
And his son Hector. Scored two cards out of the deal.

DEAN closes the door cause it's not safe to drive with your door open. It's also not safe o hunt supernatural critters, but someone has to do it and Mike Rowe was busy.

SAM
That sounds about right. I swear, man, you've gotta update your cassette tape collection.

DEAN
Why?

SAM
Well, for one, they're cassette tapes. And two.

SAM holds up a tape for every band he names.

SAM
Black Sabbath? Motorhead? Metallica?

DEAN takes the box labeled Metallica from SAM.

SAM
It's the greatest hits of mullet rock.

DEAN
Well, house rules, Sammy.

DEAN pops the tape in the player.

DEAN
Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.

You tell him, Deany Dean Deanster! We can listen to Taylor Swift cause WE are doing the driving and if no one likes it then hitch a ride! Oh, was that just me? Carry on then, wayward son.

DEAN drops the Metallica box back in the box of tapes and starts the engine.

SAM
You know, Sammy is a chubby twelve-year-old.

AC/DC's "Back in Black" begins to play.

SAM
It's Sam, okay? Or Lord Gigantes. Or Ah Papi but only I special … circumstances.

DEAN
Sorry, I can't hear you, the music's too fucking' loud!

DEAN headbangs and drives off cause that's how cars work.

Later, after doing a fuck TON of shrooms, the Supernatural Bros. impersonate federal marshals, cause cosplay is awesome and not illegal unless you get made!

Through rigorous dick … detective work, the Hardy Boys discover whoever picks up the Woman in White leaves behind nothing but ass, blood, and guts.

SAM and DEAN look at each other cause they're so hot.

INT. LIBRARY – DAY

A web browser is open to the archive search page for the Jericho Herald. The words "Female Murder Hitchhiking" are typed into the search box. DEAN clicks GO; the screen tells him there are "(0) Result". DEAN replaces "Hitchhiking" with "Centennial Highway" with the same response.

SAM is sitting next to him, watching. No porn yet. Damn, his brother is an amateur. Sam'd have at least eighty viruses on that Mac by now.

SAM
Let me try.

DEAN smacks SAM's hand.

DEAN
I got it.

SAM shoves DEAN' out of his chair and takes over.

DEAN
You swore you'd never hit me again! Dude, I'm calling our counselor!

SAM

Don't you pick up that phone, bitch!

DEAN hits SAM in the shoulder.

DEAN
You're such a control freak! Especially during sex!

SAM
So angry spirits are born out of violent death, right?

DEAN
Yeah. Like Ju-on. I am not f**king with that creepy shit. Sarah Michelle Gellar is hot though. Mmm. Buffy.

SAM
Well, maybe it's not murder.

SAM replaces "Murder" with "Suicide". After 50 how to videos by emo teens pop up, he finally finds an article entitled "Suicide on Centennial". DEAN glances at SAM. Is it time to pop the question?

SAM opens the article, dated April 25, 1981. Constance Welch, 24, of 4636 Breckenridge Road, leapt off Sylvania Bridge, at mile 33 of Centennial Highway, and subsequently drowned cause she couldn't breath under the sea. Disney lied to her.

SAM

Wow. That was depressing. Let's look up some funny baby videos!

DEAN

Yeah!

SAM

You can't lift that hummer, little baby! What are you doing?

DEAN

Dude, let's adopt one!

SAM

Don't pressure me. We'll start with a pet rock and I'll work my way up.

DEAN

Deal. Hug me brother!

They hug cause they hug.

They visit the bridge where the Woman in White's defective bungee cord snapped.

DEAN
So this is where Constance took the swan dive.

SAM
So you think Dad would have been here? I don't see any beer bottles.

DEAN
Well, he's chasing the same story and we're chasing him. And after we get back to the motel, I'm chasing the dragon. I just know I'll catch it this time! And it totally has to grant my wish when I do.

SAM

You're on heroin now?

DEAN

Dude, one problem at a time.

SAM
Okay, so now what?

DEAN
Now we keep digging until we find him. Might take a while. Fetch me a shovel.

SAM

(whining)
Deeeeeeeeeeeean, I told you, I've gotta get back by Monday.

DEAN

(rolling his eyes)
Monday. Right. The interview.

SAM
Yeah.

DEAN
Yeah, I forgot. You're really serious about this, aren't you? You think you're just going to become some lawyer? Marry your girl? Bitch, please.

SAM
Why not?

DEAN
Does Jessica know the truth about you? I mean, does she know about the things you've done? You're cross-dressing, Muppet raping, serial killing, Creed listening phase?

SAM
No, and she's not ever going to know. You tell anybody about that, I keel you.

DEAN
Well, that's healthy. You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're going to have to face up to who you really are. Wee oh wee.

SAM

Yeah.? Well… Nnnnggg.

DEAN

Wee oooo weee!

SAM

Nnnnnnnnnnngggggggg!

DEAN

WEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOOO –

SAM

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Dean and Sam get into a tussle. Not as sexy as it sounds. Dean sees CONSTANCE standing at the edge of the bridge.

DEAN
Sam.

SAM comes to stand next to DEAN. CONSTANCE looks over at them, then steps forward off the edge. SAM and DEAN run to the railing and look over.

DEAN
Where'd she go? Is she invisible?

SAM
I don't know. How would I know?

Behind them, the Impala's engine starts and its headlights come on. DEAN and SAM turn to look.

DEAN
Hey, it's Dad! Daddy, over here! Yoo-hoo!

SAM

Dean, no!

DEAN

What the… That's no Daddy!

The car jerks into motion, heading straight for them. They turn and run cause getting run over hurts. A LOT. And they're not cartoon characters. At least not in this episode.

SAM
Dean? Go! Go!

The car is moving faster than they are cause it's a fucking CAR. When it gets too close, SAM and DEAN dive over the railing. The car comes to a halt.

IMPALA

And scene.

SAM has caught himself on the edge of the bridge and is hanging on. He pulls himself up onto the bridge after knocking out a few pull-ups and looks around.

SAM
Dean? Dean! Jimmy Dean! Dean Cain! Dean Pelton! Dean Malenko! Dean Moriarty!

Below, a filthy and annoyed DEAN crawls out of the water and onto the mud, panting.

He looks like Swamp Thing! Or Man-Thing. Or whatever the hell that thing was supposed to be from "Attack of the Swampy Shit Monster".

DEAN
What?

SAM
Hey! Are you all right?

DEAN holds up one hand in an A-OK sign.

DEAN
I'm super.

SAM

Natural.

INT. MOTEL LOBBY – DAY

A VersaBank MasterCard in the name of Hector Aframian lands on a handwritten guest ledger.

DEAN
One room, please. If you know what I mean. Wink wink. Hubba chubba yip yap splat poose tibba gib boing boing! Ah ooo gaah! Fsst! Fslpppahhh! Spit! Spit! I want you! You can never have me. I'll have what she's having! I'm giving you a raise! Ping! Swawing! Here's lookin' at you, kid! Use the force! Hoochie mama! I'll buy that for a dollar! Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes? I'm getting too old for this shit! Yippy ki-yay, motherfucker! And boom goes the dynamite! It's a full moon tonight! You're a wizard, Harry!

DEAN is standing at the motel check-in desk, still filthy, with SAM right behind him.

The CLERK picks up the card and looks at it.

CLERK
You guys having a reunion or something?

SAM
What do you mean?

CLERK
I had another guy, Burt Aframian. He came and bought out a room for the whole month. If you know what I mean.

SAM

We know.

DEAN

Pervert.

JON'S ROOM

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

The motel door swings open but not like a door in "Paranormal Activity" cause this door ain't not haunteded.

SAM is on the other side, having just picked the lock cause he related to Sly Cooper.*

*[Please don't try to work out how. Just go with it.]

SAM hides the picks and stands up. DEAN is just outside, playing lookout cause he got bored playing cowboys and Indians until SAM reaches out of the room to grab his shoulder and yank him inside. And just like that a slash fic was born.

Sam and Dean see a roomful of crazy. And beer bottles. Lots of beer bottles. Did I mention their dad is an alcoholic? Okay, just checking. Glug! Glug! Glug!

SAM
Hey, Dean? What I said earlier, about Mom and Dad, I'm sorry.

DEAN
No chick-flick moments.

SAM laughs and nods and then cries cause he just saw a glimpse of their future.

SAM
All right. Jerk.

DEAN
Bitch.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

DEAN leaves the motel room. He gets the jacket the rest of the way on as he crosses the lot. He looks over and sees a police car, where the MOTEL CLERK is talking to DEPUTY JAFFE and DEPUTY HEIN.

The CLERK points at DEAN, who turns away and pulls out his cell phone. No hookers tonight. Sigh.

Dean gets arrested cause he didn't R-E-S-P-E-C-T someone's authorit-ah.

INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE – DAY

SHERIFF PIERCE enters the room, carrying a box. He sets the box on the table at which DEAN sits and goes around the table to face DEAN across it.

SHERIFF
So you want to give us your real name?

DEAN
I told you, it's Nugent. Ted Nugent. Teenage Mutant Ted Nugent. Cowabunga, dude!

SHERIFF
I'm not sure you realize just how much trouble you're in here. This ain't Mayberry! You in a heap of trouble.

DEAN
We talkin', like, misdemeanor kind of trouble or, uh, squeal like a pig trouble?

SHERIFF
You got the faces of ten missing persons taped to your wall crossed out with lip stick.

DEAN

Uh-ooooooooh.

SHERIFF

Along with a whole lot of Satanic mumbo-jumbo. Boy, you are officially a suspect.

DEAN
That makes sense. Because when the first one went missing in '82 I was three. Doctor Who'd ya, bitch!

SHERIFF
I know you've got partners. One of 'em's an older guy. Maybe he started the whole thing. So tell me. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean.

The SHERIFF tosses a brown leather-covered journal on the table. Oh crap, does the Sheriff know who Dean wants to go to the prom with?!

SHERIFF
This his?

DEAN stares at it. With his eyes. The SHERIFF sits on the edge of the table. With his butt. He flips through the journal. With his fingers. It's filled with newspaper clippings, notes, and pictures, just like what's on the walls of Jon's motel room. The journal, not the fingers.

SHERIFF
I thought that might be your name. See, I leafed through this. Then queefed through it. What little I could make out—I mean, it's nine kinds of crazy But I found this, too.

He opens the journal to a page that reads "DEAN 35-111", circled, with nothing else on that page. Here's my number. Call me maybe?

SHERIFF
Now. You're stayin' right here till you tell me exactly what the hell that means.

Dean uses his Hong Kung Phooey judo chop Jedi powers to escape, while Sam uses a series of coin tricks he learned while in prison with some guy named Low Key Lyesmith to deduce that Constance's hubbo was unfaithful. Book 'em, Dano!

SAM
I just can't figure out why Dad hasn't destroyed the corpse yet.

DEAN
Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you. He's gone. Dad left Jericho.

SAM
What? How do you know? Are you Dad?

DEAN
No, dumbass, I've got his journal.

SAM
He doesn't go anywhere without that thing. Or alcohol. Or pants. Well, here was that one year…

DEAN
Yeah, well, he did this time.

SAM
What's it say?

DEAN
Ah, the same old ex-Marine crap, when he wants to let us know where he's going.

SAM
Coordinates. Where to?

DEAN
That's for me to know and you to know as soon as I know.

SAM
I don't understand. I mean, what could be so important that Dad would just skip out in the middle of a job? Dean, what the hell is going on?

SAM looks up and slams the brake, dropping the phone: CONSTANCE appeared on the road in front of him. The car goes right through her as SAM brings it to a halt.

DEAN
Sam? Sam! Sammy! Sam I Am! Son of Sam! Samuel L. Jackson! Sam Peckinpah! Sammy Davis Jr.! Sam Cooke! Sam Neill! Toucan Sam! Overly Long Gag Sam!

Inside the car, SAM breathes hard. Yeah. F yeah! CONSTANCE is sitting in the back seat. No. F no!

CONSTANCE
Take me home.

SAM

Uh-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

MORGANA FREEMAN

I'd love to tell you that Sam took Constance home. Where they had a lovely time. Watching Encino Man and playing Candy Land, but that would be a lie.

So Constance was all "Take me home, Sam!"

And Sam was "Ni!"

And the Impala was like "I have the POWERRRR!"

And Constance was like dead. Undead? Re-dead? Well, let's just say she's not happy.

Later, Dean drives Sam back to his apartment. Then, stuff HAPPENS!

INT. SAM'S APARTMENT – NIGHT

SAM lets himself in. Everything is dark and quiet. A little too quiet.

SAM
Jess? E.T.? You home?

SAM notices a plate of chocolate chip cookies on the table, with a note that reads "Missed you! Love you!", next to a National Geographic. You one freaky deaky play Santa, Sam!

SAM picks one up and eats it as he sneaks into the bedroom, smiling. The shower is audibly running. SAM sits on the bed, shuts his eyes, and flops onto his back like a sexy whale.

Blood drips onto SAM's forehead, one drop, then another; he flinches and opens his eyes.

And Sam is like "Huh? What? What is that? Look at that. That Kool-Aid? When did we buy Kool-Aid? Ah shit, buddy! The Kool-Aid man has come back for his revenge. I have no mouth, yet I must scream. I have no neck yet I must look up!"

It looks like blood. It tastes like blood. It has the same bouncy of blood. Four out of five scientists confirmed that it was blood. The last guy was maybe Alucard?

He looks and gasps in horror: JESS IS PINNED TO THE F**KING CEILING! IT'S LIKE LIKE LIKE IT'S BAD!

She's staring down at him and bleeding from the belly.

SAM
No!

DANIEL BRYAN

No! (Just once this time.)

KOOL-AID MAN

YEA – Oh shit, bro!

JESS bursts into flame; the fire spreads across the ceiling. Cause F-I-R-E spells dick.

DEAN kicks the front door open with his hot sexy bow leg.

DEAN
Sam! My Metallica tape is missing. You have it? Also, your apartment is on fire.

SAM raises one arm to shield his face, cause fire like a bullet doesn't have a name on it.

SAM
Jess! Don't commit suicide! I love you! I'll wear the promise ring!

DEAN comes running into the bedroom covered in gasoline.*

*[Don't try that at home. Or anywhere really.]

DEAN
Sam! Sam!

DEAN looks up and sees JESS. Another victim of his brother's Wang of Doom. Good grief.

SAM
No! No! No N-

DANIEL BRYAN

Watch it.

DEAN grabs SAM off the bed and bodily shoves him out the door, SAM struggling all the way.

SAM
Jess! Jess! No!

Flames engulf the apartment. Cause, you know.

EXT. SAM'S APARTMENT – NIGHT

In the end, some sexy firefighters defeat the evil flame with the help of the spirit of Cujo, Mr. Freeze, and the cast of Madagascar. Somehow.

DEAN looks on, then turns and walks back to his car. SAM is standing behind the open trunk, loading a shotgun. DEAN looks at the trunk, then at SAM, whose face is set in a mask of desperate anger. It would be hot if not for him holding the shotgun.

SAM looks up, then sighs, nods, and tosses the shotgun into the trunk.

SAM
We got work to do.

SAM shuts the trunk and because someone hid a camera in there, we cut to black.

Cue "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?" theme song!