08. The Winner Takes It All
She walked by the doors to the reception several times during the evening. Slowing her pace slightly, she could hear laughter and the tinkling of glassware coming from within.
She tried to tell herself she was just passing by in the course of her duties, but she knew she was lying. She also tried telling herself she didn't know why she was drawn to these doors, but she knew that was a lie too.
Cursing her own weakness, she passed by the doors yet again, and was surprised to see them open.
I don't want to see.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
But you're going to look, aren't you?
Almost of their own volition, her feet took her to the threshold of the massive reception hall. Six of the station's largest cargo bays had been temporarily reconfigured to house the event. Even so, she found (to her horror and relief) she could clearly see the head table and those seated there.
Instinctively, her eyes sought him out. He was there, sitting in the centre, resplendent in his dress uniform, looking every inch the starship captain.
He looks good.
Healthy.
Happy.
Too bad he's with *her.*
A wave of bitterness and jealousy washed over her as she gazed at the woman sitting next to him. Her hair was swept up and she wore a gorgeous gown, the style chosen to highlight her natural beauty and grace.
A white dress?
How ironic.
Petty.
So what? I'm allowed to be.
She tried not to think about her time on board the Enterprise. The memories were too personal; too painful. Nothing had worked out as she had hoped. Her career and her personal life were now completely devoid of this man.
She watched as his face broke out in laughter. It was obviously something she said; she drew her head away from his ear, a knowing smile on her lips. She watched her place her hand on his arm. He leaned in and fed her a bite from his fork.
Bitch.
I hope she chokes.
Really?
No, but only because he deserves to be happy.
She flinched at the sudden sound of tinkling crystal. She quickly scanned the room only to see hundreds of faces smiling and laughing as they participated in this ancient Terran custom. She knew what was coming, but couldn't bring herself to look away.
Bastard.
Hypocrite.
I wonder if he loves her.
She should have been me.
The tender kiss proved too much for her. She closed her eyes and leaned against the wall to steady herself. Images of her time with him filled her mind.
She had requested the position on the Enterprise. Not to be with him, but because it was the pinnacle of her career to that point. There had been an attraction from the moment she laid eyes on him. She was amazed at how quickly they had grown close.
Red tunic.
Blue tunic.
You looked good together.
We felt even better together.
She knew she was only hurting herself, standing there in the shadows, tormenting herself with remembered intimacies while watching him give his love to someone else.
It's not fair.
Why did it have to be *her?*
It's complicated.
The same rules should still apply.
She cursed herself for ever thinking he could make her happy. She knew she shouldn't have gotten into a romantic relationship with her commanding officer. She had avoided it for good reason in the past, and now she regretted having ignored her misgivings then too.
She continued her silent vigil as the couple left the table and moved to the dance floor. The lights in the hall dimmed, and a spotlight captured them in its glittering beam. The white of their outfits shone pure in the light, seemingly glowing.
She looks smug.
Happy.
Do you hate her?
I hate that she has what I gave up.
She watched him take her into his arms. She couldn't help thinking about how those arms felt around her. How she felt safe with him; protected from the harsh reality of serving on a Starfleet vessel.
She shook her head, cursing her foolishness. The scientist in her needed to understand why the rules of their relationship weren't applicable in this current one.
Why *her?*
Why not me?
Why's she so damn special?
What was wrong with me?
Determined not to wallow in self-pity, she looked around the room at the guests assembled there. Everyone was having a great time, smiling, laughing, catching up on old times, making new friends.
She felt the knife twist in her breast when she saw how he was looking at her. She could see that, for them, the rest of the room had disappeared. They were lost in each other's arms. Despising herself, but unable to stem the bitter thoughts, she blinked back tears.
What's she like?
Does she kiss like I used to kiss you?
Is she good in bed?
Does it feel the same when she calls your name?
She knew she should leave. She was only making herself more miserable the longer she stayed. Besides, she didn't want anyone there to recognize her. There would be too many questions, and she couldn't face that prospect at the moment.
Squaring her shoulders, she headed for the doors. Casting one last glance back at the happy couple, she raised her hand as though she could caress his face from across the room.
I miss him.
It's not fair!
You made the choice to leave.
But I didn't choose to lose him.
Squinting in the brightly lit corridor, she winced as she saw the label on the door:
Picard Wedding Reception
Conceding victory to the other woman, she forced herself to acknowledge that the relationship was over.
She's won.
It wasn't a competition.
No.
I never stood a chance.
Turning her back on her former Captain and his Chief Medical Officer; Nella Darren quickly strode away, refusing to look back.