Title: Don't Look Back
Chapter 1 – Thomas Chandler – Slaying Inner Demons
Summary: Tom Chandler walked off the Nathan James, a man forever altered. What happens when best friend Slattery and past love Sasha check on him a month later? What do they find?
Disclaimer: I own nothing from The Last Ship (sadly) only my hard working muse and the dream to work under Captain Chandler (pun intended) hehe and the love of all things #chandlery (b/c I love my bromance and this show rocks it!)
A/N: Oh watching him leaving the James…again...ah it'll rip my heart out until I know how he comes back in season 4. So this is a little open ended speculation piece b/c I don't know what role he'll come back to or who will be the catalyst to make that happen. Hope you all enjoy this angsty little ficlet.
"Don't look back."
Part of him wanted to. Part of him wanted to stop, look back and make Slattery eat his words. But he didn't…couldn't. If he did, he'd be reminded of what the ship symbolized – himself and putting his work ahead of his family; part of which he now lost and blames himself for. One part dying to save the other – his father, his children. All lives forever altered.
Just as he takes the last step off the plank his stomach seizes as he recalls his beloved son telling him the emotional tale of his father bravely sacrificing himself after one hell of a fight to keep the children from falling into the wrong hands.
'NOOOOOO Grandpa!'
His eyes squeeze shut as he can picture Sam's horrified face and then the fresh blood splattering on his daughter Ashely as his father Jed fell to the ground. He could only wonder if his father cursed him at any time? it was him to told you to leave…he knew the risks…they all did….NOT MY CHILDREN! Chandler's mind yells back as he gets into the backseat of the black SUV and then finally, when he's alone and can't be seen through the darkened glass, does he dare to direct his tormented gaze toward the imposing figure of the Nathan James.
His heart seizes as he's instantly zoomed back in time to the first day he stepped onto the lower deck of the impressive Navy destroyer. But as his eyes blink and he looks up, they for a few seconds rest on two figures – the first is the captain, Michael Slattery. A man he admires, trusts and is proud to call best friend and now Captain. The other…Sasha Cooper. His heart droops as he watches her the longest until he has to turn away and looks down in silent misery. They shared a past and for a few moments not so long ago he thought a future.
It's all lost now…he inwardly laments as the driver asks him where he wants to go.
"Home," he simply replies.
'Okay okay…what's the big deal? A blindfold really? Darien…'
'Oh stop whining already.'
His mind zooms him back in time to a scene where he's standing in front of his first home, his young wife's arm looped in his, two young kids practically, and large grins on their faces.
'Do you like it? Our first home.'
'I love it!'
With that he scooped her up into his arms and carried her into their home, Darien smiling all the way and telling him they'd have to christen each room to make it really official.
For a few tormented seconds, a tense smile adorns his somewhat rough features and the aching in his heart stops. But that happy moment is shattered as he hears his father's recounting of when he found her and the kids in their 'home', sick…and her trying to be brave despite the inner ability to fight the virus slowly ravaging her body – to death.
"Damn it!" Chandler curses with a hiss, drawing a curious glance from the driver.
"Sir…everything okay?"
"Yes," he replies simply as he shakes his head, mostly at himself. "Everything is…" fine? okay? normal? No…he would have to silently acknowledge. Nothing will ever be the same again.
He reaches his quiet home and stares out the darkened window, the tint adding to the mood within his soul and stares at the House before him with misery.
"Is there…anything else you need Sir?" The military driver politely inquires.
"A time machine," Chandler tosses back in quiet sarcasm as his lips drawn into a thin line. "No. Thank you," he adds as he slowly pushes himself from the SUV, duffle bag in hand and then stops and stares once more. The SUV waits for a few minutes until Chandler offers a wave and then he's alone.
The home wasn't the same. It was the one his father and children had been at before they were ambushed by Allison Shaw's death squad. Ashley told him that Deb had taken Frankie to stay with a friend who wanted to see the baby boy before moving away with her family.
Anger gently surges but he reminds himself that the only one to blame for his father's death was Shaw – who was dead herself. It's over…you need to find a way to heal….but even as his mind offers up a small bit of hope Shaw's words about 'YOU UNLEASHED THE WORST OF HUMANITY…YOU…YOU…YOU!'
How could he heal? Try to move on…when the people he wants to rebuild with and move on are dead because of his actions! You're children are very much alive and NEED YOU! His brain argues back.
He finally finds the strength to pull away and head for the front door, his eyes darting around and finally seeing the aftermath of the attack, bullet holes, shattered glass, busted doorposts…a fight that ended in bloodshed.
Kara told him that Deb arranged for Jed's body to be taken to a local funeral home so that when they returned home, especially the children wouldn't have to deal with that – again. He had hoped the children would stay with Deb and Frankie a few more days but when he spies movement from within and then sees his son's face peering out, his heart somewhat sinks.
Chandler pushes the door open and then looks at the two somber faces with a guilty expression; eyeing Deb and hearing Frankie in the doorway to the kitchen. Sam rushes up to him and wraps his arms around his waist and looks up with a wide-eyed expression.
"How long are you staying?"
"For good. I've resigned my commission."
"What?" Ashley asks in shock as she nears her father with hesitant steps. "Why?"
"Like forever?" Sam tries to qualify as Deb nears them with Frankie bundled in her arms.
"We need to go. Take care of yourself Tom," she leans in for a hug. "Jed never blamed you for anything. Remember that," she adds audibly as she pulls back with a tight lipped smile.
"Thank you for helping here."
He watches her leave and then turns back to his children with a heavy frown. "I resigned because…I'm needed here. With you both. I've neglected you long enough."
"I miss Grandpa," Sam gently laments as Chandler's arm wraps around his young son once more and pulls him close.
"You should have been here." Ashley states simply before she turns and stomps toward her room, leaving the two male Chandler's along in the room together.
"Sam…" Chandler huffs as he slowly lowers himself down onto the couch, taking his son with him. There are so many questions that he wants to ask his son…what happened? How did they find you? where…why…when…but in that moment as his son looks up with innocent adoring eyes, he can't. Words fail him. But when he sees his son's eyes well, his heart instantly shatters.
"I miss Grandpa so much," Sam cries as his father holds him close, cradling him in his strong grasp and gently rocking him back and forth.
"So do I Sam…so do I," Chandler agrees as he holds his son until he goes limp in his arms. He holds him until Sam's little frame stops shuddering and then looks at him in concern. "Do you want supper or…what's going on…where is everything?"
"Grandpa kept it locked in the garage in the food cellar under the old truck. You know, just in case," Sam relates and then ends with a small smile that settles Chandler's agitation a little.
"Okay…I'll check it out and then…"
"What happens now dad? Did you really quit the Navy?"
"I resigned. Yes. It was the right thing to do," Chandler replies simply as he looks at his son with softly pursed lips. "Now…now we try to rebuild, together, as a family. Is that okay?"
"Sure," Sam shrugs, a hint of uncertainty in his tone. "Are we gonna be okay?"
"We'll be fine," Chandler answers his son firmly, knowing that despite his own inner insecurity, it's what his son needs to hear right now – what they both need to hear right now. LIAR! His brain silently scolds him. You're not gonna be fine until you face your own inner demons and slay them!
"Okay so…let's see about supper and then…do you want to talk about anything? About what happened or…?" Chandler tries to prod.
"No. I'm good," Sam replies simply.
That of course was another lie but one he isn't about to call his son out on. It would do no good. The death of Jed would soon resurface and they'd all be hit with those angry emotions all over again. Forcing them would only cause resentment to build and he had enough of that to last a lifetime; now was a time to help them heal – again.
They hardly had time to properly mourn the passing of their mother, much less their grandfather but now he would make sure they had that time; that they were given that moment – for however long they needed.
"Okay…I'll go and see what we have and then…I'll be back and we'll…do whatever. Can you…I don't even know the routine," Chandler huffs as he slowly stands up. He catches a glimpse of Ashley standing in the doorway to her bedroom and offers her a small smile.
Her expression remains placid but she doesn't move.
"Do you two want to…help me with dinner?"
"Not hungry," she states simply and then disappears from view once more.
He doesn't fight it. Doesn't argue. He knows he doesn't have the right. Her love…their trust. He'd have to work at regaining both. At first it would seem like an uphill battle but he knows the end would be worth it. At least…he hopes it will be.
"Be right back."
Chandler's hand gives his son's shoulder a supportive squeeze as he pulls away and heads toward the back of the small home, pushing his way outside into the late afternoon air and then pauses for a few seconds as he looks around. For a few seconds he hears himself…his wife…the kids laughing; the four of them playing a friendly game of touch football. For a few seconds a smile appears, the light shines and his heart settles – he feels a peace. For a few seconds.
However, that happiness is soon clouded by darkness as he hears his daughter screaming and Shaw laughing as a bullet pierces his thoughts, the air around him and his father's chest. He hears his father cursing Shaw's name before his own frame offers a shudder.
"Damn…" he curses once more as he continues on his way toward the garage.
He pulls the door open to the musty smell building and once again holds his place for a few seconds before daring to walk the rest of the way.
However, when alone…away from prying, watchful or wondering eyes, Tom Chandler's eyes well, he sinks to his knees and he cries. His head hangs and his chest starts to heave as his body finally is able to expel all the pent up emotion that he had been carrying inside for months. Literally.
"Why…" Chandler's voice starts off with a small whimper as his steps start to falter. "Why!" Comes the rhetorical request as his fists tighten into little balls. Here he didn't have anything to prove or anyone to answer to for his emotional outburst – he could just expel whatever was pent up inside, fighting to get out without fear of judgment or consequence.
"WHY!" Chandler's voice shouts as his legs wobble finally giving way and forcing him to his knees. "Why…why…" his lips quiver as his lungs start to gasp for air as his arms drop to his sides.
The emotion comes, non-stop, angry, resentful, remorseful, uncertain and guilty. But before his entire frame can sag completely to the cold floor of the small garage, his feels arms wrap around him and he lifts his watery eyes affix on a sad expression and finally focus.
"Why?" He asks as Ashley's head buries itself in her father's neck. "I ki…killed them…all of them. Rachel, Rivas, Cruz, Tex…dad…your mother."
She hugs him tightly as she starts to cry as well, the two of them finally allowing their grief to finally find a voice. "He didn't…blame you…grandpa…he…he didn't blame you. He wanted…me to…to tell you that."
Deb had told him that but hearing Ashley tell him – there were no words. Nothing he could offer as gratitude for being released from part of his own inner hell. A weight is lifted. Somewhat. Relief tries to wash away the guilt. It doesn't have the strength at the present moment. But that would come. Within minutes Chandler feels his son's arms around him and looks at his son with a begging glance.
"Forgive me," he begs as a single tear escapes and slides down Sam's cheek. He next turns to his daughter and asks the same tormented question, "Forgive me…please."
"Love you so much," Ashley whispers as she kisses his tear stained cheek. "We're a family again."
"I love you both so much and I'm so…so sorry," he whispers again as he holds them close. So many lives lost…so many lives destroyed but in that moment three lives find a small glimmer of hope.
As Tom Chandler holds his children close a small voice in deepest depths of his soul…of his mind…of his heart is trying to be heard, trying to make itself acknowledged, trying to give them hope. And it would be heard…in time.
In that moment he knew two things very clearly – one, he had to slay his inner demons for any hope of mental peace and two that even though he didn't know quite how to do that – he wouldn't have to do it alone.
The three of them remain huddled together, crying, talking, cursing…healing.
A/N: Ah yeah you know I just couldn't let this one go. Hope you all liked this little angsty peak into Chandler's mind and up next is a visit from a familiar face. How will that go? please review before you go and thanks so much!
PS: Yes I will be updating 'Stolen' next…please don't despair or be angry but my muse was so inspired by all the emotions of this season and this final eppy