A/N: This isn't my usual thing, but I'm posting it anyway. Let me know what you make of it because I'm not even sure about what I think about it!
And this song is "Never Alone" by Lady Antebellum.
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you
When it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
I stand watching Ollie and his new girl, Tara Lo, talk. Chatting. Laughing. In a very socially awkward way. Why does he always pick the socially inept ones? Jac. Now Tara. Chrissie was the exception that proved the rule. Mind you, he's a bit strange himself.
They sit at the main desk on Darwin, eating their very unhealthy lunch. Sausage rolls, Coca-Cola and Jaffa Cakes. Very healthy.
"So what was your sister like?" Tara asks out of the blue, and Ollie freezes. A look of dread crosses Tara's face as she realises she's touched a nerve. But he gathers himself quickly, and he turns to her with a reminiscent smile gracing his lips.
"Beautiful. Smart. Strong," he listed quietly. "Gave me too many chances. She was the studious one. The one to pay attention to detail. She made less mistakes than I did." That's all he says, but he's got the message across. I know he really is sorry for his actions. For swapping tests. For claiming the credit for my efforts.
And I'm looking over him, making sure he doesn't do anything too stupid. I let that issue go a long time ago. There's no point of wishing someone ill will when you're dead and they're trying to get on with things. He's faced Hanssen. He's been reminded what an awful thing it was. And if Hanssen could forgive him, and let him keep practising, then I guess so can I. I think he expected Hanssen to kick his backside out of the hospital. But then when can you ever predict what Hanssen will do?
I spent a little while wishing him all sorts of horrible misfortunes, but I don't anymore. I want to see him happy. With Tara. Because they're clearly made for each other. I want him to have a smooth life. A happy one.
I step back to leave them alone, and I accidentally knock the phone off the desk. Ollie and Tara look round, and Ollie picks the phone up with the faintest smile, and I know he knows I'm watching his every move.
May your tears
Come from laughing
You find friends
Worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone
Now I find myself watching Frieda treating a foreign man, and she seems torn between tears and laughter at whatever the talk about in a language I do not understand. This is what I want for her. I want to be able to see her making friends, having a good time, doing something she actually believes in. She saw something she didn't want to see at Holby when she left. She saw Ric Griffin and the new and exceedingly manipulative Serena Campbell at loggerheads, creating a feud for themselves.
Frieda seemed to recognise that this feud was not going to stay between just Ric and Serena. I watched her realise that others would be caught up in it. Malick. Chantelle Lane. Hanssen, even. So she left to do something she honestly believes she can do good in. And for that, I admire her more than ever before.
I'm glad that she's found this. She's not one to take part in politics, and there's no need here. She does things solely for the good of the person she's treating. She's outside the system, doing things her way. No power struggles between two consultants obviously as strong as each other.
She smiles more here. She isn't as sarcastic. It's like she's free here. Which is good, since smiling was never her forte. At least not when I knew her. Though I do recall the sunflower incident. She's not all miserable. She just chooses when she ought to smile. And when she does smile, I know she means it.
I want her to know I'm here, looking out for her, but I don't know how. I can't talk to her, obviously. She's about to use a cannula, so I slyly move it to another workbench. She looks confused for a moment then grins to herself, and I know she knows I'm here for her. Whenever she needs me.
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat
Of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you
Stay with you
Baby you're never alone
I wander Holby City Hospital aimlessly for a little while. I walk onto AAU to see the usual chaos, but find myself smiling. Sacha and Chrissie are married. How sweet. I remember the days after Linden died, running this place on my own. Nightmare. Only when I misdiagnosed a hypo as drunkenness did Hanssen see what state the place was in and assign Michael as consultant.
Speaking of Michael, there he sits in his office, looking as cocky as ever. I open the door and slip in, and he looks around suddenly. Shaking his head, he closes the door again. Now, I've watched him screw up. First with that plastics insanity and more recently with the Richie Mooney incident. I've been with him every step of the way, and I hope he knows I want to slap him silly for some of his mistakes. Though he's had close to that from certain members of staff already, so the urge isn't that irresistible.
I see him deal with Eddi McKee, and I've watched her descend into the seventh circle of hell. How Michael and Sacha are dealing with her isn't really working. No, I think the only person who can help her is this Luc guy. I've never known him, but he seems to know her better than she thinks.
I leave again, but this time I shut the door behind me, just to freak Michael out, because it's funny. I walk out of AAU again and wish them all, those I know and those I don't, good luck. Because I'll always be with them, and I know some of them know that.
I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise
That cold winds won't blow
So when hard times
Have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Now I'm on Keller and I see Malick isn't amused by this anymore. Do those two agree on anything at all? Ric wants to keep his patient a night longer and, surprise surprise, Serena wants him discharged. Ric's call, but Serena keeps hassling him because she wants that bed for an elective.
"Right," Malick sighs, finally coming to the end of his tether. "You clearly can't agree on this so let me put it simply: butt out of each other's business!" he tells them impatiently. "Yes, you're both consultants, but you have your patients, Ric, and Serena, you have yours. The less you have to do with each other the better."
As much as I'd like to, I'm not going to make Malick the false promise of peace on Keller, because with those two, that's clearly never going to happen. But I can stand by him while he tries to minimise the feud. That moment he told them to "Play nice" in theatre made me laugh. Antoine Malick telling his consultants to behave themselves?! By God, he's come far. I remember when he was the one being warned for his behaviour.
"Yes," Serena says slowly, and I can tell there and then that she's about try and charm Malick into agreeing with her. "But if it affects my patient care and my throughput, I have to say something. And right now, Ric, I'm telling you we need the bed."
Now I see why Malick is torn. He practically worships Ric because he's a very good surgeon and patient care is at the top of his list of priorities. But he sees where Serena's coming from: a ward must also be efficient in order to sustain itself. It cannot survive on compassion alone.
"Serena," Ric argues. "He is my patient, so why are you even arguing this with me? He is to stay here until tomorrow morning, and only then will I discharge him." There's a finality in his tone that makes me wonder how the hell this woman has it in her to keep fighting him.
"That's not my point," Serena begins again, but Malick steps between them.
"You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say all this petty arguing is a smokescreen for the fact that you might actually like each other. More than you'd ever let on," he smirks. They both glare at him, finally agreeing on something, and he just smiles to himself. "Touch a nerve, did I, guys?" he adds, satisfied he's put an end to it.
He looks tired of all this, and he looks like he needs a friend, so I push a patient's table across the ward until it hits the wall right where Malick had just moved from. The resulting crash attracts the attention of Malick, Chrissie, Chantelle, Ric and Serena, and Malick grins as he walks away from the mess. And I know he knows I'm still his friend.
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat
Of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you
Stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you
Stay with you
Baby you're never alone
I wander off back up to Darwin and catch sight of Jac Naylor and some Scottish nurse. Jonny, I think he's called. Oh, how that woman hated me. Mind you, she hates almost everyone. But not this guy, it would seem. He actually makes her smile, which is an achievement in itself, since she's a cold-hearted cow. I really don't like her very much.
Elliot bumbles into view, and he asks Jac to allow Tara to assist in her theatre later today. Now, Tara, she's young, eager and very intelligent and hard working, but unfortunately, she gets right up Jac Naylor's nose. I don't envy Elliot his position. Keeping Jac in check when she's at her nastiest is a hard enough job, not to mention my brother's occasional notion to go too far. And Tara has to be kept an eye on by Elliot, since Jac isn't very find of her, and there's a Transplant Unit to take care of too. At least Mo Effanga seems reasonable. Must be a good break from dealing with Jac.
Anyway, Jac predictably objects to Elliot's request. And he predictably pulls rank and tells her she will let Tara into her theatre. And Ollie is sitting with Tara still, listening and fighting back the laughter at Jac. She storms off to the main desk where Ollie and Tara still sit with their lunch, glaring at Tara like she's some kind of inferior species.
In a moment of madness, as Jac goes to sit down on the computer chair and check a patient's file, I pull the chair away and she lands on her backside. Ollie and Tara start sniggering and Mo and Jonny are shaking with laughter. Elliot even grins. Serves her right for being stroppy.
Elliot and Ollie share a glance and Ollie has that look about him. Two odd things have happened here today that he knows of: the phone getting knocked over and Jac's chair moving out of nowhere. He seems to see that, just maybe, that's no coincidence.
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you
When it's time to go home
So when hard times
Have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
But even though Jac was not my best friend, to say the least, I won't wish bad things on her. Something had to have made her the way she is, and I'm guessing she's had her share of hard times. Maybe she'll soften up with this Jonny guy. He seems like a good laugh. He doesn't take her crap. He doesn't listen to most of what she tells him. Maybe he'll be good for her.
She's dysfunctional, but not unsalvageable. There must be something in there worth saving, and I think Jonny may have tapped into it. I bet underneath it all, she isn't so bad. I saw her after her radiation scare. After her false pregnancy alarm. As she helped Mo give birth and explained why her colleague should at least hold the child. She's not all bad. Probably about eighty per cent bad, at best, but there was twenty per cent goodness in there somewhere.
From what I've seen of her recently, I'd cautiously say that she's mellowing ever so slightly. She's still awful to Tara sometimes, but to Jonny she can actually be...nice. As nice as Jacqueline Naylor can achieve, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, she does have feelings.
As she stand up, looking indignantly around the ward at her colleagues and boyfriend, she turns around and looks straight at me. She can't see me – I know that – and I never took her as one to believe in such things, but she is definitely staring straight at me. Rather accusingly, might I add, but that could just be her regular expression.
She better not have a sixth sense. She probably doesn't, but I know she knows I'm here on the ward.
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat
Of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you
Stay with you
Baby you're never alone
I leave them to it, and I think on the things I've witnessed. Malick is caught in a power struggle between two people who are as frustrating as each other, and he doesn't seem to be getting much out of it other than irritation these days. Though I do think he's on to something with his smokescreen theory. There is definitely and glint in both their eyes as they refuse to agree, even if it's just to agree to disagree.
Frieda has finally found something better to do than be stuck in the same position as Malick. She's doing some good, and she's enjoying it. She's even smiling. I think seeing the way Keller was going reminded her there are more important things that carving a career like Ric, Serena, Michael and Hanssen's. She'd rather see the miracles she is working.
Michael has had a rough time of it, though much of that can be blamed on his own stupidity. All the same, though, he's still a good guy. Just a reckless one.
Jac's got a boyfriend, and he actually cares about her, as much as he denies it to his best friend. And as much as she denies it, Jac does care about him too.
And Ollie...well, he's chosen a career and he's found a girl. He's got over the guilt of his own idiocy and betrayal and got on with it once given a second chance by Hanssen. He's living, and that's all I need to know.
Hope this is OK!
Please leave a review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x