Don't own Final Fantasy

I Didn't Know It Was Part Of The Job Description

If you were to kidnap a raucous wind, roll into a ball, teach it how to bounce, and then give it a human form, the end result would be Eiko Carol Fabool, princess of Lindblum. The knights of Alexandria quickly learned that loud shrieks and other such chaotic noises were considered normalcy whenever the princess came for a visit. So the shout didn't faze Dagger at all.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!" Eiko bellowed, running by with commendable speed for a person in a bright yellow dress.

"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!" cried her pursuer.

Dagger shook her head, exasperated. "You are such a child, Zidane," she called out.

"I'm busy at the moment, Dagger. The master of tag is defending his title. COME HERE, VILLIAN!"

"OVER MY FESTERING CORPSE! I'LL NEVER SURRENDER!" yelled Eiko. She made for the stairs, but at that precise moment she stepped on the hem of the dress and slipped, going down the steps headfirst.

"Eidolons," cursed Dagger softly. Zidane on her heels, she went to the violet-haired girl and helped her up. "Eiko, are you alright?"

Eiko screwed her eyes and blinked. "I… think so." She touched her bottom lip. "Feels fat right here, but no biggie. Wait… I think I taste blood. That's… wait a minute…" She looked confused about something.

Zidane bent over the very bottom step and picked something up. "Hey, Eiko? I think you lost this." He held a tooth in his open palm. Eiko stared at it, slack-jawed. With her mouth open, they could clearly see the space that that particular tooth once filled. Eiko touched the bare gum, and grimaced.

"Now what am I supposed to do?" she asked weakly.

"Have you never lost a tooth before?" asked Dagger.

"No!"

Dagger smiled kindly. "It happens to everyone. Eventually, the adult teeth come in and replace the ones you lose."

"They do?"

"Yes, they do. Right, Zidane?"

"Of course they do," said Zidane. "And what's more, you'll get a visit from the tooth fairy."

Eiko stared at him as though he had just suggested that chickens knew how to tap-dance. "The what fairy?"

"The tooth fairy. Whenever a kid loses a tooth, they put it under their pillow before they go to sleep. When they're sleeping, the tooth fairy comes, takes the tooth, and leaves some money in its place for when the kid wakes up."

Eiko was still staring at him. "That is the dumbest story I have ever heard in my life."

Zidane protested, "It's true!"

"You're trying to pull my leg."

"I'm not, honest!"

"How gullible do you think I am?"

"I swear to Odin that I'm telling the truth."

She narrowed her eyes. "Prove it, then."

"Well… just put the tooth under your pillow and see what happens."

"If money does somehow magically get there, then how can I be sure that it wasn't one of you two?"

Zidane looked appalled. "Why would I do such a thing?"

"You know, Zidane," said Dagger, "it's a common belief that the tooth fairy is a hoax, that it's the parents who put the money there."

"Not you too, Dagger!"

"Well…"

Zidane crossed his arms. "The fairy is real. That's the fact, and I'm sticking to it."

Eiko rolled her eyes.

"What will it take to make you believe me?" Zidane asked.

"If this so-called tooth fairy is real, I want to see it in the flesh."

An idea slowly formed in Zidane's head. "Okay, Eiko, I've got a proposition for you. You and I will set a trap for the fairy. We'll stay up all night if we have to—though we'll have to pretend to be asleep. If the tooth fairy doesn't come, you win. If it does, and we catch it, I win. What do you say?"

"Zidane…" began Dagger.

"You can join us if you want, Dagger. The more the merrier."

She sighed. "Never mind."

"Eiko?"

She shrugged. "If you're going to be that obstinate about it, then sure, why not?"

*****************************************************************************

"I don't know, Zidane. If this fairy really does exist, I don't think it would be stupid enough to fall for this." There was an elaborate makeshift pulley system working its way throughout the guest bedroom. One little nudge of the pillow was all it would take to set the trap off, leaving the perpetrator dangling from the ceiling. Eiko's tooth had been placed under the pillow, and an Eiko-dummy made of blankets and bolsters lay in the bed, well protected by the covers.

"I agree with Eiko," said Dagger, who still didn't know how Zidane was able to convince her to join this escapade. The three of them were wedged in the closet; the door pulled nearly to.

"Spoilsports," said Zidane. "It'll work; just you wait. Now hush."

And wait they did. There was no way to tell how much time passed in that closet, but pass it did. They all fell into sleepy stupors, even Zidane. And still the fairy was a no-show.

The entire castle was asleep. It was one of those dead hours, where even the insects quit chirping. It was utter silence.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! DAMN IT! MIGHTY IFRIT, WHAT THE HELL?"

A tremendous bellow brought the three into consciousness.

"What was that?" asked Eiko.

"Sounds like our trap got someone," said Zidane, grinning.

"That doesn't mean it's the fairy," Dagger reminded him. "It could have been an accident."

"Only one way to find out," answered Zidane. He opened the door.

There was a long bout of silence as they gazed at the scene before them. Two minutes passed before anyone could speak.

"What the hell?" asked Zidane most appropriately.

Yes, the trap had indeed caught someone. That someone was hanging from their tail, looking understandably ticked off. They wore a bright pink tutu, upon which liberal amounts of glitter had been sprinkled. Wings—obviously fake—were strapped to the person's back (the wings, too, were incredibly glittery).

"Kuja?" asked Dagger.

Indeed, Kuja it was.

"But…" said Zidane. "But… but… but… you… you died. What the hell?"

Kuja rolled his eyes. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I did die, thank you for mentioning it, Zidane. But in the afterlife, they made me a deal. I could stick around in a realm full of dead people, or I could take the recently vacant role as tooth fairy. And for your information, dead people are incredibly annoying."

"What happened to the old tooth fairy?" asked Zidane.

"Something about her going mentally insane, I think."

"So what's with the dress?"

Kuja's eye twitched. "They neglected to tell me it was mandatory. I didn't know it was in the job description."

"Nice."

"Now that we've established all that, WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME DOWN FROM HERE?"

"For a fairy, you sure aren't very agreeable," said Zidane.

"I'm hanging from the DAMN CEILING! You really think I'm going to be agreeable?"

"Well, you could ask nicely."

Kuja's voice was strangled. "Please… let… me… down."

"I still get my money, right?" piped up Eiko.

"Rules are rules," Kuja answered in a monotone. "So yes, you'll get your money—if I ever get down from here."

"Well, how much do I get?

"One gil."

"Considering the fact that I helped capture you, don't you think you owe me more than that? Otherwise, we could hold you there indefinitely."

Kuja's face made an involuntary spasm. "Fine. Name your price."

"Two hundred gil."

"WHAT?"

"Take it or leave it."

"I saved your life in the Zero World, missy."

"Hmmm, that's true. Fine. One fifty."

"That is outrageous!"

Eiko crossed her arms. "That's my final offer."

Kuja muttered a number of incoherent words under his breath, many of which sounded an endless stream of curse words with phrases like "purple haired brat" and "thorn in my side" thrown in every once in a while. But in the end, he surrendered. "Fine."

Eiko nodded at Zidane. "Let him down."

Zidane smirked. "As you wish, princess." He turned to the crisscrossing ropes. "Umm…"

"Don't tell me you've forgotten how to undo it," said Dagger.

"Excuse me?" cried Kuja.

Zidane waved their comments aside. "I've got this." He stared for a moment. "You just… well… aha!" He pulled out his dagger and slashed the rope.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Predictably, Kuja fell. Luckily for him, he landed on the bed.

"Oops," said Zidane.

Kuja groaned from his landing-place. With an effort, he pulled himself into a standing position. He reached experimentally under the pillow and pulled out the tooth that had started this venture. After examining it critically, he stuck it in a pouch around his waist. After meaningful glance at Eiko, he reached into a different pouch and pulled out several coins, handing them over to her.

"Now if you don't mind," Kuja said, "I'm getting the hell out of here."

"Just what do you do with the teeth?" asked Zidane.

"Company secret. If I told you, I'd have to kill you. But then again, I wouldn't be mourning your loss." He glanced at them all with disfavor. "If that's quite all…"

Weirdly, the fake wings began flapping, and Kuja took flight. Six eyes were on him as he opened the window and flapped off into the night.

"That was bizarre," commented Zidane.

Dagger said grudgingly, "Well, Zidane, it seems you were right."

"Hey, I told you guys, didn't I?"

Eiko grinned and pocketed her money. "Yup."

*****************************************************************************

A very pissed-off tooth fairy made his way through the air as the moon began to set. That one hundred and fifty gil was going to come out of his paycheck—he just knew it. Lost in thought, he failed to notice a bird until it collided with his head. "GAH! Eidolons, I hate this job!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Q: What do you get when your nine-year-old sister likes FF9?

A: She insists that Kuja is the tooth fairy, which in turn inspires this.

I don't know if she's serious or just kidding, but she honestly does.