Disclaimer- I do not own Mortal Instruments or Breakeven by The Script.
This is a oneshot songfic about the wonderful Clary and Jace set to the song Breakeven by Irish band The Script. Lyrics in italics. This was my first Mortal Instruments Fanfic- it was edited on the 1st/September/2009. Feel free to review and let me know what you think.
This came 2nd in the 2009 Mortal Instruments Awards in the Category of Best ClaryxJace.
Thank you for reading! =D
It was a popular song, a song full of emotion and conflicted feeling. Clarissa Fray and Jace Wayland heard the opening chords and felt their broken hearts tear a little more.
It was a typical Magnus Bane party: glitzy disco balls glimmering on every extravagantly painted wall. Music blared throughout the luminous abode and most people were dancing provocatively on the dance floor. But Clary and Jace were doing neither. Clary had floated around, attempting to meld into the walls like a chameleon while Jace had sat at the bar ('borrowed' from a high-end club in Milan) and stared into his glass all night long.
They were avoiding each other.
With a sudden bang of a drum-machine, the generically over-produced mess of psychedelic disco rubbish ended and the cursed song began. The song which made the handsome Shadowhunter pull away from his near-empty pint glass of water and wish for an escape. But the lyrics echoed throughout the room, piercing his eardrums and resounding in his head.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
God didn't exist, Jace thought bitterly. No higher being would ever put his people through this. No God to Man would allow him to fall in love with the one person he could never have. That wasn't the sugary, wholesome love that "God" was supposed to provide. That was just cruel. There were no happy, fluffy bunnies hopping between colourful flowers under "God's" wonderful watching eyes. All Jace had was pain and an unattainable love. And it tore him to shreds.
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Damn straight, Jace agreed. His heart hadn't broken even, in a simple line down the centre- it had been shattered and crushed into tiny, unfixable smithereens. He had been given the death sentence while Clary was granted liberty: her freedom from him. He had told her that he didn't want her… that he wanted to be her brother. Such deceitful lies. Lies that left him watching on in unbearable pain, telling himself that he had done what was best for them both. After all, to love was to destroy and to be loved was to be the one destroyed… and Jace could never destroy Clary.
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
She had Simon now. The Mundie. The Vampire. The unworthy idiotic fool. The Downworlder leech was never good enough for his Clary- never was, never would be. The fact that Simon would always put her first and always want what was best for Clary was his only credit and that wasn't enough to sway Jace, in fact it made him despise the creature of the night even more. Simon had done the right thing though, Jace's inner good-guy reasoned, Simon had walked away. But he still loved her from afar, Jace's bitter inner demons spat back.
The music kept playing at migraine-inducing decibels. Forcing its way into the heads of every dancer in the High Warlock's flamboyant home. But for two people, the only two that did not seem to be enjoying themselves, the music spoke cutting truths that reopened unhealed wounds. Jace tore his gaze away from the wooden surface of the bar and caught sight of his sister across the room. She was frozen to the spot, locked in his gaze.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
The words stabbed them both to the core. Tearing her eyes from his golden irises, the copper-haired girl ran from the room. Knocking his barstool to the ground with an unheard crash, Jace fought his way through the milling mass of moving bodies. He took the stairs leading to the roof as Clary had before him. Even the simple act of going onto a rooftop with Clarissa shot poisoned arrows of pain through his chest making it hard for the Nephilim to breathe. Last time they had been on a roof together, he had kissed her. It was acceptable then. They were merely two people then, a boy and a girl. Now it was different. Now it hurt. Now they were brother and sister.
A gust of cold air slammed into Jace's face as he crept across the flat roof. Clary was huddled on a rainbow coloured beach chair. Only the warlock, thought Jace. Her head was buried in her hands and heart-wrenching sobs pierced the midnight sky.
Ironically, the rooftop had granted no escape from the awful song as the tormenting words still continued to echo loudly around them.
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise word's gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving,
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even
"Clary," he whispered. Her breath caught in her throat and she attempted to stop her cries, she miserably failed.
"Go away Jace. Please. Please, don't." The girl with the flaming sounded broken.
"Don't what? Don't breathe, don't speak, don't gouge my eyes out from over-exposure to fluorescent colours?" Even now his defences were up, his reliable sarcasm.
"Just leave me alone, Jonathon. Not now, okay."
Like the sudden brightening of the sky as the moon peaked out from behind the dusty clouds, Jace's mood changed from sarcastic to angry. "No, Clarissa. I will not leave you alone! What's wrong with you?"
Her red-rimmed eyes glistened with teardrops as she stood up fiercely, her fists balled at her sides. Jace resisted the urge to sigh. Isabelle had played dress-up again- Clary was wearing a deep green dress with jangling bracelets and anklets adorning her petite frame. She looked like a true Shadowhunter. She looked beautiful. Her brother felt sick to his stomach at the truth his own mind spoke.
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains
'Cause you left me with no love, no love to my name
He couldn't love her. It wasn't allowed. She said it was what she wanted, she said she wanted them to be siblings and nothing more. She had broken his heart a million times over with every hooded glance she gave him and each graceful move she made.
"What is wrong with me?" she shrieked, her voice foggy with raw emotion. "You, Jace. You are what's wrong with me." The bracelets on her wrists jingled as her hands came up to hide her eyes as she broke down once more.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
"Look what you do to me, Jace! Look at me!" She gestured wildly with her heavily bejewelled hands. "I'm falling to pieces and I can't breathe every time I see your face or hear your name. My heart breaks a tiny bit more each time," she sobbed through her tears.
The golden haired angel shook his head as if trying to dispel the muddled thoughts held within. "No," he stated. "No, you said… you said it was what you wanted. You told me it wouldn't work. You, you said-"
"I lied!" she shouted. "I… I lied. Because it's what I should want. We can't… we couldn't ever… God, Jace!" Frustrated, her body folded in on itself as she bent over barely able to stand, the last few tears making tracks down her beautifully pained face.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even
Wrapping his arms protectively around her upset form, Jace held her tight to his muscled chest. "God doesn't exist Clary. Don't swear allegiance to the names of fictional characters as if it means anything. He isn't real, if he was then this wouldn't happen."
She shook and trembled silently, his neck was damp from the way she buried her face in the crook of his neck. He could only marvel at the cruel way her body moulded against his. They fit.
"I'm sorry," her lips mumbled, sending vibrations along the tiny hairs on his clavicle.
"Me too, Clary," he sighed. "Me too."
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
"We can work through this. We can… it will be okay Clary. I swear to you, it will be okay." Clary blinked the final salty tears away as his lips pressed softly to her temple again and again. For tonight, she would let herself believe him because in her heart she knew that once morning came they would be apart once more, drowning in feelings they couldn't feel, and falling to pieces like their broken hearts.
I'm falling to pieces,
Yeah, I'm falling to pieces
'Cause when a heart breaks,
No it don't break even