Rick bolted awake, sweat dripping from his face, his clothes clinging to his over heated body. A stressful day of helping Magnum on yet another case had led to the awakening of some memories he much wished he could have forgotten. He found himself having had a day where his smile could only last so long against the pain of memories rearing up within.
Whilst he would never fail to help Thomas when he asked, he much wished that once in a while he would take a break. Take a break when the events of cases brought up memories of that time. That time in Afghanistan which they all would rather forget.
Sometimes it would just become to hard. To hard to be the one forcing a smile on his face, trying to keep the spirts of his friends' light in situations where they could so easily become dark. Whilst he knew that he could go to his friends with his struggles, confide in them, who was he to do so! adding to the weight his friends carried from their time in captivity.
One of the things he hated most was how light he had got off physically in comparison to his brothers, often being the only one left untouched whilst his friends were beaten, instead finding himself be forced to watch and in the aftermath do the patching up.
So instead he held onto his pain alone, internally calling it repayment for the suffering he escaped from during their captivity. Letting the darks memories express themselves as nightmares, robbing him of sleep, making things harder by the day.
Getting up Rick knew he was due to be meeting Magnum and TC in only half an hour up at Robin's Nest but found himself struggling to want to be sociable.
The lack of wanting to interact with others wasn't new. For all of them in the weeks after their release, merging back it to the real world seemed like an almost insurmountable problem. Without each other to lean on it probably would have been. But whilst, for the better part, they had all managed to assimilate into normal life they all still had bad days. Days of struggle. Today was one of Ricks.
Hanging out with the boys at the Nest was always comforting but today Rick just couldn't find the energy to smile and be his normal self. Quiet and reserved, not two words you would normally use to describe Rick, and both Magnum and TC quickly noticed.
Both aware of the case they had just put to rest. Magnum and TC both could take a guess at what memories would be plaguing their brother. During there captivity Rick had often been the lesser target of their captures and therefore the one left to help the others deal with their injuries. Why the lesser target? Mainly because Rick often found it impossible to keep his feelings off his face and their captors quickly realised they could cause him more pain harming his friends and forcing him to patch them up than harming him. Whilst it was more painful for all of them to watch each other be hurt the others were better at hiding their emotions do their captives did not find it to be as effective with the remaining men.
In the case of the past few days both TC and Magnum had ended up pretty roughed up when they got caught up in a fight with their latest suspects. Yet again it had fallen to Rick to act as medic. Rick had been spared from fight as he had been caught up with a client at the club and didn't get Magnum's calls in time. A fact that just lead to guilt and further upset for Rick.
Both men watched as Rick sat in the corner of the sofa closed off and quiet as they watched the football, despite the fact that it was his home town team the Chicago Bears that where winning. Magnum eyed TC. His look said it all.
"How do we help?"
Rick knew he was failing to keep his soured spirit from his brothers. Knowing his quiet persona was a large give away, but also from the looks he could see his brother sharing. He could see they wanted to ask what was wrong, what they could do to help, but as was often the case they just didn't know how to approach the conversation. Normally Rick was always the instigator of such conversations. Not wanting to sour the days of his brothers as well, Rick got up aiming to leave.
"I'm heading out, I'll see you guys later?" Rick turned heading towards the door, and to be honest a little bit of freedom. On days when memories of captivity overtook his thoughts, even just being indoors made him feel trapped. Being inside the nest, despite how open plan the layout is, he could feel the anxiety building within himself as memories of the walls and bars that surrounded him for so long continued to assault him. In times like this he would often escape to the waves that the islands are so famous for, heading out into the ocean where he always felt a sense of freedom. So that was his plan, head to the oceans and let mother nature lend him and ear, instead of putting more on his friends.
"Wait aren't you going to watch the end of the game?" shouted Thomas, just as Rick was reaching the doorway.
"Sorry man…can't…got some stuff that needs doing at the club" Rick did a quick 180 heading out the door but before he could reach his car he felt his shoulder being grabbed from behind.
He only just managed to suppress the flinch that wanted to escape his body at feeling the unexpected touch, knowing that it was a friend not a foe.
"Speak to us Rick" said TC from his position stood behind Magnum whom had been the one to grab him.
"It's just a bad day guys, I'll be fine in a while" Not having the energy to explain the full depths of his depressive thoughts but knowing he couldn't fully hide it.
"Rick, speak to us man. You always let us lay it on you, so lay it on us! This is why we stuck together man, so that we can all be there for each other whenever we need it!" exclaimed TC, who was desperately trying to get a read on Rick. One of them hurting meant all of them where hurting.
Rick headed away from cars and down onto the sands of Robin's private beach. He heavily dropped onto the sand, knees folded into his chest. Arms wrapped around his knees. TC and Magnum quickly dropped down on either side of him, TC wrapping an arm around his shoulders and Thomas dropping a hand onto his knee. As it had many times during their captivity, those simple touches granted him an internal feeling of safety knowing his brothers where by his side.
"Why never me?" Rick almost whispered.
TC glanced over Rick, confusion spread over his face, however Thomas instantly felt a light switch go off in his mind.
"How we wish it was never you, never any of us. Rick, they hurt you just as much as they hurt any of us. Maybe they hurt you less physically but not less as a whole"
"Yeah…Because little old me has the worst poker face. My crap poker face lead to more beatings for you guys." Rick said self-deprecatingly, looking down into his knees.
A small smile started to pull at the side of Magnums face, just leading to more confusion for poor TC.
"Rick you had a strength that not many in that place had!"
Now even Rick looked up confused.
"Your ability to find a way to laugh, to smile, to joke and make others do so even in those darkest of times was more of what got me through than any of your physical medical skills. It was you who was a big part of keeping our spirts alive in those times. We never blamed you for those beatings Rick, there was nothing you could have done. They were going to hurt us all anyway. You should not feel any guilt brother, any and all blame I could even try to find to place on you was so far outweighed by my thanks for your strength of spirit, that is what helped get us through"
TC nodded his head in agreement.
"I know words won't take it away, but you don't have to feel guilty for being harmed less physically. We all carry scars from that place both physical and mental. But we are also all here to help each other deal with them when they rear their ugly heads. I know it was patching us up last week and not being there for the fight that has led to this. Maybe next time…well actually hopefully their won't be a next time, we will get patched up at the hospital. It was unfair of us to put that on you."
Rick shook his head.
"Happy to help…just don't like the memories that comes with it"
"Well if it does ever occur again, or anything kicks up the memories, talk to us brother. I know that at times even your smiles can only last so long!" Magnum spoke to his brother, making sure he had good eye contact.
"You don't have to be the happy one all the time, you are allowed to have bad days. We all are, and that is why we stuck together. So we can pick each other back up and return those smiles to each other faces."
A small smile pricked at Rick face as he nodded his thanks.
They all knew there would be many bad days to come, but they all knew that those days would not last. Their brotherhood and their smiles would endure over the pain. As the three sat overlooking the ocean, they knew that happiness would win out in the end.
Rick could feel the sides of his mouth tugging up into a smile and he sat in the comforting presence of his brothers. As time goes on he knows his smile will last longer and longer as time wins its battle over pain.
The End