Vampire Mainstreamers
A Buffy The Vampire Slayer Fan Fiction
By Ashley Cadwallader aka GreenLightAltAshley
Chapter 1
I had sex with Spike whil listening 2 a Radiohead alum King of Limbs on vinyl. He stuck his throbing peen into my vag, and I moaned alternatively. I waz about to hav a orrggasm Then it made me think of that Katy Perry *yuck* song wear she seys she had sex whil listening 2 Radiohead. Than I felt too mainstream coz katy perry did dat. When I hav sex I want it 2 be an authentic alternative expperience. Than I got up 2 turn da reccord player off . Whenn I vent back 2 havingz sex with Spike, and now I couldn't gat a orrggasm. I wuz reely pissed off about dat and I went to sleep.
da next dey I wen over 2 Spike's Crypt he invited Willow and me over 2 his crypt (not 2 sex dis time tho) He asked us if we wanted 2 "drank some beers and listen 2 da Juno Soundtrack on vinyl." Next thing u know I saw him bitting his fangs into Willow's neck. I tryed 2 kick him but I wuz too drunk. He grabed my leg and through me 2 de other side of de room. Than he stuk his fangs into my neck. Than I felt my teeth with my tongue, and they we're all poiinty. Willow and me bcam vampires!1!111111
I said, "think it'z a god thing coz I used 2 be alt-human now I'm a alt-vampire, and alt-vamps are more alternative then alt-humans coz there is less vampires."
Spike said, "Oh yeah? Well I was a vampire B4 u we're!"
Az soon az he said dat insult I wuz zo angry, I wanted 2 drive a stake threw his fucking heart. But I stupped myself for doing so coz I had 2 insult him bak 2 restore my indie cred,
"Do you lik "Some1 still Loves You Boris Yetlsin?"
"Ye, I have all there albums."
"Well I loved Some1 Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin way back when no-one loved Boris Yeltsin!" I said alternatively.
Folowing dat burn he locked insulted, and I staked his heart, and he shattered in2 dust.
(btw I'm not plaugeiarizing Carles, mkay? His is a blug and mine iz a story, it's different we write about different stuffz. Just coz i use som of da sam wordz az he does, doesnut meen I'm ripping him off!11!11111111)
So dat was the end of my weekend where I bcam a vampire. OH SHIT accidently just used vampire and weekend in da same sentence! Vampire Weekend r a mainstream indie or mindie band, dat only lamestreamers lik. Vampy Weeks even wherez mainstreamer clothing like polo shirts. They are so 2010, and now it's 2012 so I don't know if they are even still relevant eggnough 4 me 2 mention them in dis story. Dey probably won't even be relevant eggnoughh during there next album cycle.
I wuz back at Sunnydale High School. I vent 2 math class I was siting next 2 Xander. He asked me,
"Hey Buffy can I borrow yur textbook?"
"I didn't bring my books 2 class only paper and a pen, coz I don't have room in my messenger bag coz it'z a portable vinyl record player."
"oh."
On da strap of my messenger bag, I hav band pins dat I got at showz of Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, She & Him, Sonic Youth, Grimes, The Decemberists, Youth Lagoon, and pins of at least 100 other buzz bands U have never heard of B4.
I asked him Xander,
"How wuz you're weekend?"
"It wuz good, Seth and me went over to Cordeliaz haus. She had asked uz if we vanted 2 drank beers and listen 2 Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation on vinyl. It sounded like shit zo Cordeliaz put on the CD Justin Bieber 2.0. I love dat album!"
My jaw droped I was speakless ...
...
... CORDELIAZ MUST HAV BITE SETH AND XANDER AND TURNED THEM IN 2 MAINSTREAM VAMPIRES!11!1!1!1!11111!1111111111
I thought how coul they hav bean fooled? It'z well know that Cordeliaz is a mainstreamer. They should hav bean suspicious dat she wuz luring them over with a Sonic Youth album. She doesn't even listen 2 Sonic Youth.
Xander continued and he said
"After listening 2 Justin Bieber, we also listened 2 Arcade Fire and Nickelback."
I puked all over da floor coz he now has de worst taste in music.
Wen da bell rang I went 2 my locker Willow woz their she said,
"WTF happen 2 Xander and Seth?"
"Cordeliaz bite them and turned them in2 mnstrm-vamps."
"That fucker! turning our chill alt friends into lamestreamers/
"If we don't stop them soon, than they will multiply and every ALT in da world will be a LAMESTREAMER!11111!111!1!1!111!1!11!111111111111!111111!
"What if we bite them, woul that change them bak to alt?
"I don't know but we hav 2 go meet Giles and come up with a plan NOW!"
End of da chaptar.