Life or Death
Author: Melissa
Category: Post Graduation, M/M, hints to M/L, and K/I
Summary: A glimpse into life after Roswell. Life isn't happy for everyone.
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell or the characters. Just borrowing them!
Rating: M, to be safe
We fight. We yell, scream, shout and even cry. Sometimes I throw things. Sometimes you blow things up. We've never actually hit each other. I don't even wonder if you would. I'm not afraid of you.
Our arguments are always loud and they have drawn the attention of several people. The cops have stopped by more times than I can count, but usually by the time they arrive we've already finished arguing.
Sometimes I go in the bedroom and write, while you stare blankly at the television. Other times we find ourselves gasping for air and panting each others names. I never lock you out of the bedroom and you never leave the apartment. Both of us stopped running years ago.
Liz sat me down once. She wanted to talk about us. She said that her and Max were worried. Our fights had gotten worse and she suggested that we were broken. We were unfixable and unhappy in their eyes. She encouraged me to leave you. She tried to convince me that I could be happy with out you. She told me I shouldn't cling to you because I don't have any other options. We may be on the run, but that doesn't mean we have to be together. We could be alone. Being alone isn't necessarily always a bad thing.
I didn't dismiss her. I thought very carefully about it. I mulled it over. I wrestled with it. Then I promptly stomped the idea to death. I don't stay because I'm afraid of being alone.
I used to compare our relationship to Max and Liz's. They were the perfect couple, we weren't. He was romantic every second of every day, you had your moments. She was the supportive wife, I was the complaining girlfriend.
Spending so much time with the married couple gave me some insight into their relationship. The cops don't show up at their apartment because they don't fight. Sometimes they barely even talk. Liz drinks and Max disappears for hours at a time late in the night. They both pretend it doesn't happen. They pretend to be perfect, but they aren't fooling me anymore.
Kyle has never really verbally questioned our relationship. Although I'm still haven't figured out if he is a silent supporter, or just a silent critic. In the end I know he wants us to both be happy and I think he respects that we're still trying after all of these years.
Isabel always wanted us together. She pretends to be annoyed with our banter, but she told me once that she envies what we have. According to her, we share a passion she has never experienced herself, not with Alex, not even with Jesse. I made it clear after she told me this that if she dared to try and steal you from me, powers or not I'd kick her ass all the way back to Antar.
I love Kyle and Isabel, but they are definitely the couple who are clinging to each other out of loneliness. I think Kyle truly loves Isabel; I suspected it even before we left Roswell. Isabel on the other hand loves Kyle, but she's not in love with him. He knows there are other guys, but he pretends not to know. Instead he keeps trying to make her notice him. He tries so hard to get her to love him, but she never will and even he knows that.
Sometimes I watch you sleep. I even counted your freckles by moonlight once, and then I proceed to lick each and every one of them. I'm sure you remember that last part.
I was putting our laundry away one day and I found a book in the closet. I had never seen it before. I hesitantly pulled it from the shelf and carefully opened it. I cried softly as I worked my way through the pages. Each sketch was perfectly executed. Every shadow and line carefully placed. I was beautiful. I was sensual. I was sad. I was giddy. I was a wife. I was pregnant. I was a mother. I was yours.
I jumped you as you walked through the door that night. You were surprised and it took you a couple of hours before you caught on to my secret. You weren't angry. For the first time I saw modesty in your eyes. I could actually feel myself falling deeper in love with you. At that point I didn't even think it was possible.
We moved again a few weeks after that night. I insisted on getting an apartment with two bedrooms. You were confused and oblivious. You got so frustrated with me. I could see the anger rising inside of you. Finally, the microwave exploded and you just sat down and stared at me. You knew it wasn't you that caused the explosion.
I had seen you cry before, but never out of pure happiness. We were starting a family together. Our dreams were coming true. We went through a brief honeymoon phase after that, but it didn't last. If it had we wouldn't be us.
Liz looked disappointed when we told the group. At first I thought she was still worried that we weren't going to work out. Then I realized she was jealous. My heart ached for her. She deserved to be happy.
Max was angry. He asked how we could be selfish enough to bring an innocent child into our world. Life on the run was not ideal for raising children, but we already knew that. You defended our decision and he stormed out. I felt sympathy for him too. Giving Zan up wasn't an easy decision for him and he obviously had second thoughts about it.
After Max's blow up Kyle stood up and congratulated us. He hugged us both. He was honestly happy for us. I realized then how much he had really become like family. I was happy to finally have a brother.
Isabel congratulated us as well. She seemed a little saddened by our announcement, but at the same time genuinely excited. She bought our daughter her first outfit the next day.
I was honestly surprised when you suggested leaving a few weeks later. The others would never settle down in one place. They were all too lost is there own fears to feel safe enough to commit to any one place. I was ready for the normalcy and the security, and I was even aware that you felt the same way, but I didn't expect you to be willing to leave our family.
After we made love that night I realized that Max, Liz, Kyle and Isabel were no different from the family we left behind in Roswell. I didn't leave Roswell for them, I left for you. I left to spend my life with you. We were about to start our own family and that's all that mattered. I love them. I honestly do, but they aren't my world.
We decided not to tell any one that we were leaving. They would just try to stop us, so we left them each a note instead. We left in the middle of the night. I felt sort of silly. I joked nervously about trying to hide our romance from our overbearing and feuding families. You laughed and said we weren't Romeo and Juliet. I looked away slightly hurt by the implication that we weren't star crossed lovers. You caught my disappointment and explained that we would never be stupid enough to get ourselves killed. We would do anything to be together, but it would be in life, not death. If we had stayed with the group it may have led to our death as a couple. I realized that sometime shortly after we were married.
I always imagined my wedding being sort of simple, but with friends and family of course. Instead it was just us and the minister. I wouldn't change it for the world. The moon was full and the wind was warm. I never knew the east coast could be, so beautiful. It was perfect. I made you sketch that night over and over again. It was better than a camera in my mind.
The night our daughter was born was magical. A hospital was obviously out of the question, but you took care of everything. I was of course hysterical and nervous, but you were cool, calm, and in control. We read all of the birthing books that the local bookstore had and spent hours in the internet café across the street. When my water broke you went into autopilot. You timed my contractions as you made preparations for the big event. I had never seen you so focused. I was never more proud of you. Everything went perfectly and after nine longs months we finally had our beautiful baby girl.
Her deep brown eyes and shiny blonde hair combine perfectly into a little us. I swear sometimes I stare at her in awe, I can't believe that we could create something so beautiful.
Tonight is her birthday, she's two. It's been nearly four months since I've seen you. I've tried to hold out hope. Some days I convince myself that they didn't get you, that you managed to escape before the building exploded. Other days I can barely breathe because the terrifying reality is, you're probably dead. You're dead. You died for us, your family.
Sometimes I think I never should have left Roswell. If you had gone with out me we would never have split from the group. Maybe you would still be alive. Then I look at our daughter. Not leaving Roswell to be with you was never an option.
We had a plan, just in case. Tomorrow I'm supposed to show up at the rendezvous. Will you be there?