If you're going to leave hateful comments because this is an anti-Chuck fic, but it's tagged with him because he focuses heavily, then fuck off. I don't need any more hateful or hurtful comments that attack me. They're really damaging and affect me hugely - to the point where it induces suicidal thoughts (thanks to who ever commented on my last fic saying the idiot is back! nice one!). NOT CHUCK FRIENDLY (since ive written him in a realistic portrayal imo lmao) I've given plenty of warning about this so you can't attack me for it. It'd be more misleading to not have him tagged as a main character. Just a reminder that I'm a minor! So you're attacking a teenage girl if you choose to do so and a large percentage of this fandom are gross adults.
some nights
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2005
Blair is fifteen the first time she has sex. It's not the grand romantic evening she'd had prepared in her mind with Nate, but it's not the horrible tales Penelope spins of her first time.
It's a healthy in-between. It takes her a full month to accept it.
It's in the middle of the summer in 2005, sweltering days following after one another; it's on the 7th of the middle month that it happens, lounging outside the pool with Serena in Cece's backyard.
"Don't you ever wonder what it's like?" Serena asks, flipping through Cosmopolitan. The page it's open on is a page dedicated to Sex! written in big bold letters, it takes up the first half of the page, the exclamation mark seems daunting to Blair.
"S, you're not a virgin." Blair says, rolling her eyes. Blair has heard all about Serena's nightly exploits—the boys in bands, the older men in business suits who she never goes all the way with, the boys in their year at school who hook-up with her at parties and talk about it the next day in the locker room. It makes Blair feel like a child sometimes, the most she's ever done is given Nate a quick blowjob.
"I'm not talking about me." Serena bites back, her tone chilly, before she smiles at Blair. "I'm talking about you."
Blair's cheeks flame up, "Oh." It's not like she hasn't thought about it. It's just that she needs it to go exactly like it's planned in her head. Nate thinks they should just get it over and done with already. "Well, sometimes." Blair says quickly. It's embarrassing talking about sex with someone who's had sex - Serena knows what it's like, she's even good at it. Blair knows what she knows from magazines and movies; it's not the same.
"Oh come on, B." Serena whines, stretching out against her chair. "Nate's hot, you love him. Why the wait?"
Blair doesn't even know why she's waiting at this point. All her friends - even the ones sans boyfriends they've had since forever - have done it at least once.
"Serena, it's just - " Blair sighs, closing her eyes. It's too hot to even think about shopping, how is she supposed to think about why she hasn't had sex yet?
"Have you guys at least done stuff." Serena whispers the last word, wiggling her eyebrows. Blair opens her eyes up just in time to catch the action, rolling her eyes in mild disgust. Serena knows everything about Blair, but her sex life - or lack thereof - is the one topic they usually steer clear of. Blair shrugs, it's nothing compared to what the other girls have done.
"I give him blowjobs." Blair says, "Sometimes." She adds. It's not a frequent every day occurrence like Kati and Zach's hook-ups are.
"Okaaaaay," Serena drawls the word out, raising her eyebrow. "And?"
"And nothing." Blair snaps, glaring at Serena.
"Nothing," Serena gasps, in pure shock from her answer. "Look, I knew you guys weren't like doing it but that's all - He's never even touched you? Has he seen you naked, Blair?"
Blair wriggles around on her seat, trying to get comfortable and avoids Serena's gaze. "Serena, I don't want to talk about it."
"He hasn't." Serena says, her suspicions confirmed by Blair's lack of response and avoidance of the question. "B - if you want, I could help you. Boys are selfish, they take what they can get and never give back." Serena informs her, like she's an expert in this area.
Blair snorts. "You're gonna tell Nate to have sex with me?"
Serena grins, "No, B." She giggles, "I'm going to show you a good time."
So Blair is fifteen the first time she has sex, outside by the pool on the hottest day of the year so far, her best friend's head between her legs.
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2007
Chuck assumes she's a virgin. He makes a big deal of it in the back of the limo, when her heart is in pieces and she's a giddy-sort of drunk. He thinks he's making her feel special when he tells her, "I usually don't fuck virgins."
Blair's heart is in it up until the point his lips move from her mouth to her thighs. Her mind drifts off into another world - thinking about how Nate looked when she left, the one time Kati said Chuck liked to think he was a sex god but was mediocre at best, how Serena looked that day by the pool. Her mind isn't on her slip being lifted up over her shoulders or the way Chuck is telling her that's she's lucky her first time is going to be so good, that with Nate it wouldn't be like this—
He doesn't make her laugh. Serena made her laugh, giggling against her shoulder blade, panting against her skin. "Fun, huh?" Serena had said, grinning ear-to-ear. He makes her gasp and scream and moan—and all the things she's seen in the movies, but it isn't the stuff of legends. He isn't the stuff of legends.
"You're good," He tells her afterwards, his head nestled in the crook of her shoulder; there's sweat sliding off of her. "For a virgin."
It feels like an insult, a slap across the face—virgin. Little Blair Waldorf, virgin; it's what everybody thinks. Prim and proper, Nate isn't getting any. Some days she wants to scream that she isn't a virgin; she isn't this clueless little uptight bitch everyone makes her out to be. And other days she wants to keep it a secret that she's a cheater, that she likes girls, that her and Serena have done everything and never talked about it once.
"Yeah," Blair echoes, pushing her slip back on and stumbling out of the door half-dressed; her dress bunched up in her hands and her heels hooked around her finger. For a flash of a second she prays that this isn't going to be a picture that ends up splashed on Gossip Girl. Then she heads back inside, runs up to her room, into her bathroom and empties the content of her stomach as what she just did settles in—she feels dirty. Blair didn't feel like this when she did cheat on Nate, again and again and again. No - that felt special and loving and right; what she did with Chuck was a mistake.
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2006
"I love you." Serena says, once she's caught her breathe.
"I thought I love you doesn't count after sex." Blair retorts.
It's the only time they talk about it.
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2008
"I don't get it, B." Serena says, she's lying by her side on the bed. Flipping through a magazine while Blair writes down a list of what she needs to do before school starts in a few days; her last year, their last year. It seemed much more exciting last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, now it just seems like something that's going to happen. It's going to fly past and Blair's going to have to be an adult, living the adult life she's had planned out since she was four. It's exciting and thrilling and scary all at once.
"Don't get what?" Blair mumbles back, half-paying attention. Serena rolls her eyes.
"I don't get you and Chuck." Blair pauses, pen hovering over the paper; her and Chuck—
Her and Chuck are nothing. He left her all alone in Tuscany, they're zilch, zip, nada.
"S - " Blair says, a warning tone in her voice. It's a conversation topic they haven't talked about since Blair got back from Tuscany, a new boy on her arm.
"B," Serena echoes back, her voice sharp. It's rare that moments like this spring from Serena, the nice girl shriveling up and letting her more demanding side take over; Serena isn't a pushover, she isn't just the Golden Girl, Nice Girl - she's beaten men up twice her size and used to control Constance Billard without ever trying.
"What? There's nothing to get." Blair defends, rolling over to face Serena who's abandoned her magazine by now. "Anyway, I thought you were happy for me."
"I was happy for you when you were happy." Serena says softly, "But are you, Blair? Because I don't think you are. Chuck isn't good and he's already hurt you, what's it going to be like if you two keep this game up?"
Game—right, that's all this is to Chuck; some sick little twisted game where he can do whatever he wants with her, sleep with her, make horrible comments about her and to her, leave her all alone in Tuscany by herself.
"Good thing I'm done with Chuck Bass." Blair says, sliding off of the bed and collecting her things. It feels too stuffy in the room, like it's swallowed her whole.
"I didn't mean to upset you, B." Well, Serena never means to upset her but she ends up doing it anyway.
"Yeah, whatever. I've got to go." Blair says quickly, flitting out of the room before Serena can stop her.
And then, as if her day could get any worse, she runs into Chuck.
Before any smarmy comment can roll out of his mouth and make her regret (again) ever sleeping with him...once, twice, three times, too many to count— and then thinking he had any feelings for her what-so-ever and then agreeing to go to Tuscany with him only to be stood up—
Well, she speaks before he can. "Look, Chuck." Blair sighs, hand on her hip, head cocked slightly to the side. "I'm not up for whatever you've got to say so just get out of my way." Her mind is playing Serena on repeat, asking what's with her and Chuck- there's nothing with them, (but Blair can read between the lines, understand what Serena is really asking: how can you choose Chuck Bass, of all people, and not me. It's a simple answer: because Chuck isn't someone I genuinely care about in a romantic sense, or any sense).
For a second it looks like Chuck is about to speak, for slime to pour out of his mouth. Instead he silently moves out of the way.
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2005
Nate tells her he wants to see other people. Blair knows it's code for will you fuck me already. If it wasn't clear enough when he sits her down and tells her very gently that they should take a break, see other people, that they're young and will always come back to each-other anyway, it's clear when Chuck tells her.
"He's only breaking up with you because you don't put out." He's got a glass of scotch in his hands, looking like the smug bastard he's always been. Blair thinks it's tacky to be fifteen and to drown yourself in scotch like a middle-aged man cheating.
Blair swirls the straw around in her martini, snorting gently. "Nate loves me." Blair says firmly. He does. He loves her and he'll come back and they'll live the dream of the white-picket fence and 2.5 kids and he'll have a political career and she'll be a style icon. In between then she doesn't have to feel guilty about hooking up with Serena every day of the week.
"You're delusional if you think that." Chuck tells her, smirking at her. Running his fingers down her arms. Blair hates him - she hates Chuck Bass more than anyone.
"You're delusional if you think you can touch me." Blair retorts, pushing his hand away from her arm. He smirks, and she wonders why he always has to look like a cartoon villain.
"You know you want to," He wriggles his eyebrows and she wonders how many girls he's told that to, how many girls he's made feel unsafe, how many girls he's guilt-tripped into sleeping with him—she wonders how many girls he's raped.
"Fuck off, Chuck." She bites out, shivering from the thought; she knows he doesn't care about any of the girls he goes to bed with each night. Hazel once told her that he kicked her out in the middle of winter, at two in the morning. Told her he doesn't want sluts to hang around once he's gotten off. Blair's fingers curl around her martini glass a little tighter. It's boys, men, like Chuck that ruin everything in the world.
"Blair," He says, scooting closer towards her. It makes her insides freeze.
"No, Chuck. I said no. Do you know what that word means?" She spits out, glaring at him until his smirk fades.
"Fine, bitch." He's off to find a new girl to harass. Blair can only pray for that girl — the only time she believes in religion or whatever.
Nate does love her; she knows he does. And she loves him. But it doesn't feel like the end of the world. It probably would be if Serena hadn't happened over the summer, if she hadn't been cheating on Nate again and again. But Serena isn't her happily ever after, she's her go-to in between, her release. Nate is going to be who she marries and has children with, builds a future and a life with. It's not going to be wild child party girl best friend Serena van der Woodsen. It's just not—for starters, she's a girl - if anyone knew Blair liked girls like that (their mouths pressed up against her skin, their tongues delving into her mouth) she'd never be popular again.
And Blair can't have that. Serena and girls are fun but they're not a future for Blair.
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2015
Blair divorces Chuck.
"I want to see other people." She tells him. She's spent a life-time with him, years wasted following him around, of having her heart attached to the same line of string his was attached to, being broken down by all the times he's mistreated and hurt her. It was something she thought she could forget when he "reformed" - when he changed, became better. But it's not; she wishes it was, she wishes she wasn't heading for a second divorce at twenty-five, with a toddler to him. She wishes she could cut ties to him forever. But she can't, so she settles for the divorce.
"See other people?" He asks, eyebrows wrinkling. If this was the Chuck a few years ago, he'd break something, smash glass, yell at her for leaving him; all classic signs of abuse, her therapist had told her once. But that's not who he is anymore. He looks sad. Blair doesn't feel sorry for him - she's spent too long feeling sorry for him.
"I need to see other people." She tells him gently.
"You've dated other people while we've been broken up." There's no malice in his voice. It surprises her.
"Chuck." She says softly. Part of her loves him. But it isn't the part of her that was blindly-crazily-wide-eyed in love with him. "I need to date women." Apart from Serena, she's never explored that side of her identity before. Maybe if she had married someone else, maybe if she'd married Dan or Louis hadn't turned evil or another man, she wouldn't feel the need to date women so strongly. Or maybe she would. Blair doesn't know, she can't know, because she married Chuck.
"Women? You're a lesbian now?" He says, confused, hurt, angry—there's the Chuck she remembers.
"No." Blair says, softly. "I'm bisexual. I don't really see how it's any of your business." Her tone turning slightly harsher. It isn't his business. It's her business. It's not information about herself she needs to divulge.
He shakes his head. "I'm being dumped because you want pussy." He sneers.
Blair can feel her blood boiling, pushing herself up off of the edge of the bed she stands up and stares at him. "I have wasted my late teenage years, my early twenties having my identity and life based all around you, Chuck. I don't know who I am! Before you there was Nate, Serena—my whole life I've been tied to other people, I need a break from it. I'm not asking for a divorce. I'm telling you we're getting one." Once she's finished she turns on her heel and storms out, grabbing her bag, phone and keys.
Serena is the first person she calls, she's outside when Serena answers and she's freezing, she'd forgotten a coat inside. "S," Blair says, her voice sounding like she's about to break out into a sob.
"Hey, are you okay?" Serena asks, immediately switching to worry mod. Blair puts a hand over her mouth as the fist sob escapes, flagging down a taxi with her other hand, phone nestled in the crook of her shoulder.
"I'm divorcing Chuck." Blair says quietly, sliding into the taxi. She quickly flings him Serena's address. "I told him I was bi. That I needed to date women." Blair tells her quickly. It's the first time she's ever said those words out loud she realises, first to Chuck, and now to Serena. It feels freeing, and scary, and thrilling all at once.
"B!" Serena squeals. It's never been a secret that Serena's into women just as much as she's into men, two years ago she'd officially come out as pansexual, telling everyone via Snapchat; It's not a big deal to me, she'd told Blair. But this - being bisexual - is a big deal to Blair. It feels like she's finally able to put a label on all these feelings she's had since she was fifteen, since the first time Serena kissed her. It's comforting and freeing to her.
"I'm so happy for you, Blair." Serena tells her, serious now. And Blair grins—she grins so wide her mouth hurts and she laughs until her throat hurts and she feels as if she's on the top of the fucking world.
"I'm happy for me." Blair tells her, once she's gotten herself out of control; she throws cash at the driver and thanks him, hoping out of the taxi and walking up to Serena's apartment. After her last break-up with model Coraline-something, she moved to Brooklyn for a "fresh start". Out of habit Blair frowns at the sight.
"You should come over and celebrate!" Serena exclaims, like the idea has suddenly occurred to her.
"Already ahead of you." Blair giggles, like she's young again.
"You're here?" Serena gasps. Her front-door is slung wide open a second later, Blair's fist poised above the door ready to knock. Serena's barefoot, her hair tied up in a bun and wearing a long over-sized t-shirt. It takes all of thirty seconds before Blair presses her body against hers and kisses her like she's never going to be kissed again.
It's been too long (Paris. Heartbroken, the two of them). "Blair," Serena pants once they break apart. "I don't want you to jump into anything. You just—"
Blair cuts her off with a kiss. Being with Serena isn't jumping into anything. It's not scary - not the way it was when she kissed Nate at the movies, not how it was when she put her heart out on the line with Chuck, not like saying yes to Louis proposal, not like admitting she had feelings for Dan, not like coming to terms with her sexuality - it just feels right; like all the dots have started to connect and the puzzle pieces all fit into each-other. It'll be scary when (if) Serena tries to make it into something more.
"Serena, don't think." Blair whispers against her lips. Serena closes the door, strips out of her top and raises an eyebrow at Blair.
"I can be good at that."
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2007
Nate tells her about the Shepard wedding, how he slept with Serena, how he's sorry but—
Blair kicks him out, crying and screaming and wanting him to vanish forever. On her mind, playing on a reel is: Serena in the gold dress she'd sent Blair a picture of. Nate kissing her, touching her, taking her dress off.
It plays again and again and again, (and she doesn't know why she's mad—she's been sleeping with Serena, cheating on Nate, since she was fifteen).
It's easier to forgive Nate knowing all that she's done to him behind his back. It's easier to take him back, have him promise to never see Serena again. It's harder to forgive Serena. It's harder to be able to let go of the image of Serena and Nate intertwined, harder to let go of the Serena part of that image.
(It's because she loves Serena, because her heart races every time she thinks about her. It's because Nate has always been a constant, the end of the road stop for her, but her feelings for him have diminished over time. Her feelings for Serena have only grown brighter, bigger. It's because Serena is this ball of energy that never fails to make Blair feel—anger, happiness, frustration, joy, every feeling under the sun—but Nate is just there for her and she loves him but it's not the same).
"I'm glad you could forgive me." Nate tells her. Cotillion. Her hand is clasped in his. It feels like her childhood dreams coming true. Her eyes keep catching sight of the gold of Serena's dress, twirling and glittering on the dance floor.
"Yeah," Blair says, smiling up at him. This feels right, it does. "It's what we always planned."
It's no surprise they end up tangled into bed together a few hours later. He pushes her dress off of her shoulders and unclasps her necklace, setting it aside on the table next to them. He's so gentle, so soft, and she thinks this isn't how it was always planned for them; there's no candles or music, but he's still as soft and gentle as she'd imagined.
But he treats her like she's going to break. He doesn't make her laugh, either. Every clumsy move is covered up by a goofy smile on Nate's part and an apology, her stomach twists and turns with desire but she misses the loud laugh from Serena, the mane of blonde hair flying everywhere, the cheeky grin and flirtatious remark - somehow sexual and funny all at once.
It's quiet, afterwards. Silent in the aftermath. He falls asleep quickly and Blair feels empty and hollow but desperate to hold onto any piece of him she can—this is the life she carved out for herself when she was younger, the one she lost a few months ago but she has a chance to win back.
"I love you." Blair whispers, in the dead of the night. Nate smiles against her skin, her childhood sweetheart.
"I love you, too."
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2016
Henry climbs up on her lap, little hands curled into fists.
"S," He says, looking over at Serena. "When are you getting married?" He babbles, making grabby hands for the bottle of juice near her. Serena passes it over to him soundlessly, shrugging her shoulders as she catches Blair's eyes.
"I'm not getting married, Henry." Serena tells him, laughing. Four year olds have strange ideas.
"You should marry mama!" He exclaims happily. Blair's smile falls. Things between her and Serena have been casual, fun, half-in a relationship and half-open to seeing other people. Blair got divorced so she could explore the dating pool, not to fall right back into another marriage.
Serena laughs, the laugh that made Blair fall in love with her all those years ago. "Maybe someday."
It's a promise, the twinkle in Serena's eyes that confirms that.
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2011
"Blair," Serena whispers, casting her eyes over to where Blair is curled up on her bed.
Her heart aches for her. Her fingers itch to touch her.
"I'm okay." Blair whispers back, there's rustling, and then Blair's turning over to face Serena. Sliding out of bed, Serena walks over to Blair's bed and gets in with her.
"I love you, B." Serena tells her, "And you deserve so much better."
Blair initiates it, the unspoken promise of keeping it between the two of them. Blair hasn't kissed her since she was sixteen. Since before Serena ditched her for boarding school. It feels different. Over time Blair has forgotten what her lips feel like, how hot her skin burns when Serena touches her, the difference between kissing a boy and kissing a girl. The difference between kissing Serena and kissing anyone.
In the back of her mind there's Nate, and there's Chuck, and there's all the similarities between them and Serena. And then there's Serena, with her fingers gripping Blair's hips and her leg in between Blair's legs, giggling against her lips.
It's over quickly, Serena sliding back into her t-shirt and cuddling up against Blair.
"I miss Nate." Serena says quietly, so softly. "Everyday it feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest, I miss him that much."
Jealousy curls around Blair like a vicious old friend, infecting her blood-stream. It's an old closed wound, Serena and Nate and her, but it still stings. It's taken time and distance and platonic relationships with the two of them to see she wasn't jealous of the attention Serena received from Nate, how in love he was (is) with her, but the affection and attention Serena dished out to him, too.
It's always been Serena. It's terrifying.
"It doesn't mean I want to be with him." Serena continues, turning over to face Blair. Their noses brushing against one another they're so close. "It just means I miss him. I miss what we had. It's okay to miss that. Blair, it's okay to miss Chuck." Serena kisses her then, so tenderly, with all the love in the world that Blair starts to cry.
"I feel so stupid for loving him." Blair says, in between gasps of air and sobs. Serena's eyes are glistening with her own tears, she's cupping Blair's hand in her face and she's shaking her head.
"It wasn't stupid, Blair. You're not stupid. So, you fell in love with a jerk. We can't help who we fall in love with." Serena says.
Blair chuckles, "You sound like a lame 2000's romantic drama."
Serena bursts out laughing, resting her head against Blair's shoulder.
"I guess you would know that you can't choose who you fall in love with. You dated Dan Humphrey." Blair teases.
"Jealous?" Serena retorts, rolling over until she's straddling Blair. On instinct Blair puts her hands on Serena's hips.
"Hardly." Blair scoffs, the corners of her lips twisting upwards into a smile.
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2023
"I can't believe how long it took you to marry me." Serena pouts.
Blair rolls her eyes, "We're here now."
tbc maybe