The most boring Saturday ever

"Jasper, I need your help with something," Bella said. "What do you need help with?" She replied with, "I need to make a list of stuff that Emmett can't do, wanna help?"

List of Stuff Emmett is must ALWAYS remember

Don't run in an airport saying, "terrorist! Terrorist on the loose!" while pointing at Jacob

Don't hum brick house around Carlisle

Don't hum sexy can I around anyone at all

Don't picture Bella in a chastity belt while crawling on her knees nude when Edward walks by

Don't try and shave Rosalie's hair

Don't stuff it in her car engine either

Don't take the school intercom and say I RAPED MICHAEL JACKSON!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Don't put a Hitler mask on and say that you are a German Speedo model

Or a George Bush mask either

Never put on a Hilary Clinton mask at all

Don't rub butter in Alice's hair

No matter how drunk Jasper is

Don't burn the TV when Alice is watching what not to wear

And but fire's pretty is not an excuse

Barney is not out to cut your head off

Neither is Mc hammer

Nor Ronald McDonald

Butter goes on toast, not in Jasper's nose

And Christmas lights go on the porch, not on the Volvo (Edward's idea)

Don't give Kahalia (Bella's cousin) mountain dew

Don't use Kahalia's bra to clean your car

Don't steal Esme's bra to look like a woman

Don't use a canoe to break down Carlisle's door

"Why do you say that Kahalia?" Jasper asked. "Well, he used one to break down my door and stuff your confederate uniform and blame it on me," she said.

Don't steal K-hal's underwear and wear it on your head

Overall, don't steal

Don't hide your stash in K-hal's room (or else…)

Don't give Rosalie a boob job

Even if she wants one

Don't keep grizzly bears as pets

And because they pretty isn't an excuse

Don't swat flies using a flamethrower

Don't make a funny noise whenever Bella trips (which would get very annoying)

Don't put Hannah Montana posters in Carlisle's xxx stash (even if it would match perfectly!)

Cottage cheese is meant to be eaten, not to be bathed in

Cheese is food, not a sex jelly

Don't play hide the uniform with Jasper

Don't play naughty jeep

Never ever be a transvestite, even for Halloween

Esme is not your sex toy

Neither is Bella

Neither is Alice

and neither is Renesmee

And don't play hide the remote when Alice watches what not to wear

Bread is food, not toilet paper

Neither is pizza

Neither is K-hal's i-pod

Never ever hang a sign on how many times Alice and Jasper have done it

Don't tell anyone that Renesmee is Bella's and Edward's biological daughter

Because her friends will ask her if Edward is good in bed.

And NEVER tell Esme that they cancelled the show home improvement

"Wow, we did a great job on this list, didn't we K-hal?" asked jasper. "Well, we did a great jo-"

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!!! NEVER EVEN TRY THAT AGAIN!!!" Bella screamed. Then I handed her the pen and the list.

Don't take your pants off in front of Bella

Or Alice

Or Esme

And…especially Carlisle

You are NOT harry potter

Even if the 4th graders think so

Because they are wrong

Never pee on the spinning sphere in tomorrowland at Disneyland

And splash mountain is NOT pee here world

Neither is the Matterhorn

And Alice is NOT from Alice in Wonderland (even if she is crazy)

Don't give Alice short pills (she's tiny enough)

Never admit your hornyness for Edward

Or Jacob

Or mike

Or Jasper

Or Seth

Or Sam

Or Aro

Don't hum lollipop in front of Edward

Or Rosalie

Or Esme

Don't hump Esme

Or Alice

Or Bella

Or K-hal

Steak is good

Smurfs aren't sex toys either

Don't take Bella's chocolate from her

Don't say that Jasper is on permanent pms

Neither is Edward

Neither is Alice

Maybe Esme (poor Carlisle)

Don't call Rosalie and tell her she needs Botox

Don't call random people at 2 a.m.

Don't give Bella lipo

Whatever Rosalie says

And werewolves aren't terrorists

Neither are teletubbies

Don't give Alice sugar of any kind

Don't put Kahalia on Ritalin

She will be pissy if you do

Don't force Rose to watch SpongeBob

Don't even think about giving Esme` a boob job

Even if Carlisle likey

Don't make an army of vampire fruit

Or vampire kitties

Don't let Renesmee watch South Park

Don't use your whip for ANYTHING

Don't call Edward a sexay thang

Don't burn down Target

Even though it's like crap

Never imitate Chris on TDI

Or chef

And don't make every first day of the month 'Jasper is a homo day'

Don't try to seduce Carlisle

Or Seth

Or Aro

Or Edward

And lollipops are food, not sexiness enhancers

And Kahalia's surfboard is not a giant hotdog

No matter what Alice says

Don't make out with a Celine Dion music store standee

Don't sing like a banshee

Don't eat the toilet paper

No matter what Jasper tells you

Never wear a giant banana costume

Even if it is pbj time

Don't take Esme to a flea market

Especially if you're using Carlisle's credit cards

Don't make Jasper scream like a little girl

Never ever stick a needle in Bella, especially by Jasper.

Do not take Edward to a strip bar

Don't take Jasper either

Or Carlisle

Don't put a dead rabbit in Renesmee's bed

Or a dead penguin

Or a dead polar bear

Don't steal Bella's left socks

And don't feed them to her in a sock waffle

And don't drag Bella to a wild party

Don't buy Edward xs condoms

No matter what Jacob says

Don't stuff macaroni cheese in Carlisle's desk