A/N: This is for the Every Word Counts Challenge. It had to be exactly 500 words in length excluding Author's Notes and Disclaimer. I had been working on this before the challenge but edited it to fit.
This is the first in what I plan to be a series of fake excerpts from the fake Hairy Peter series. I have no plans to re-write the entire series or any book in this manner, but am planning on writing my own dirty take on different parts of the series. I will pick one portion from each of the seven books to re-write.
Disclaimer: If you are disturbed or offended blame those who raised me; a traveling band of hookers.
An excerpt from Hairy Peter and the Mysterious STIs (book one of the Hairy Peter Saga)
Taken from the chapter:
The Boy Whom Swallowed
Hairy Peter sat in a dirty shack feeling sorry for himself. It was his birthday and the entire Diddler family were asleep. A normal boy his age usually gets a hooker for his birthday, but Hairy knew that wasn't going to happen.
Visions of hookers filled Hairy's head and he began to drift off to sleep. Oh, what fun it would be to have a hooker of his very own! He was nearly asleep when he heard banging. Hairy woke quickly to listen in on those doing the banging, but was saddened to realize it was a different type of banging... it was just a loud rapping on the door.
The rapping ceased and a huge, grizzled man squeezed through the door.
"They call me Hung." Said the bushy, gigantic man as he approached a stunned Hairy and extended his hand. "But me first name be Really."
Hairy giggled as the implication of the huge pile of man's name hit him. "Your name is wha-?"
"I am Really Hung." The massive man replied.
"I would say, it would be a tad disproportionate otherwise... no?" Hairy asked with a smirk, he was thinking himself quite clever for his zinger.
It had never occurred to Hairy his own name was also humorous in nature. Hairy was what one would refer to as a moron.
"What ya- I aint got the patience to understand what you is tryin' ta ask." Hung was beginning to lose his composure.
Though Hung knew Hairy was something special, his desire to get away from the shack and the Diddler family as quick as possible was weighing on his patience with The Boy Whom Swallowed.
Hung took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his nerves. "Is somethin' funny wit me bein' Really Hung?"
Hung stared perplexed as Hairy suddenly slumped to the floor in a fit of girlish giggles.
"Get up you wanker." Hung said firmly. "You are a wizard and I gots me strict orders to get you to Whorewarts as soon as possible."
"Bwahahaha Whorewarts!" Hairy wiped away a tear from laughing indecently hard. "I am a wizard? Hahaha!"
"Yes and you will becoming with me." Hung said. "You are going to a Wizard school called Whorewarts. I will take you there."
The Diddler family had always encouraged Hairy to go with any stranger and had called him a freak enough for him to believe he could just be a wizard. "Awesome! Lets get going! I can not wait for Wizard school!"
"Just wait till ya take Wand Polishing 101." Hung said finally relaxing some. "That class be one hell of a ride, if ya get what I'm a sayin'."
Hairy was not sure if he liked the idea of that particular class.
"Who teaches that?" Hairy asked timidly.
"That'd be me" Hung told him with a wink and a smirk.
For the first time Hairy wondered if this adventure may not be as fun as he originally thought it would be.
A/N: Disturbed? Funny? Want more? Review!