I do not own DEH or it's characters. I'm simply a die-hard fan. Please enjoy the first story on my account. My cousin and I wrote this (well, she wrote it and I edited it). Anyway...I wanted to make sure there was more than just Treebros out there.
WARNING: mentions of attempted suicide, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.
If I'm being honest, I do not believe it is all that graphic, but I have never experienced anything remotely similar to this. My cousin was the one that came up with the idea.
So, just in case it's more triggering than I believe it to be, please READ WITH CAUTION. I don't want anything bad happening to someone because of what I write.
Reviews are always welcome (good and bad alike). If you have any good ideas for stories or just random headcanons you want to see, please feel free to contact me:) I only ask, try to stay away from romantic requests...I am not very good at writing romance, LOL!
Anyway, enjoy!
If I told you that who you saw wasn't really me at all…
I screwed it up. I screwed it all up. I ruined everything, I ruined everyone, and there's nothing I can do to change it. It's all gone now, and it's because of me. My friendship with Jared? Gone. My relationship with Zoe? Gone. The love of the mother who once cared for me so much? Gone.
Evan's eyes were pink and swollen from crying, and his posture was so hunched it hurt, not that he cared anymore. A pile of tissues littered his bed, which he was seated criss-cross on, and his hand hung limply over the box next to his knees. He made no intention of moving it. What would it matter? Another tissue, another tear wiped away, another loss unresolved.
Evan was counting his losses, but he forgot about the most valuable of all: himself. The one thing he could actually bear to lose. The one reason he was in this mess in the first place.
Ever since the Connor Project ended, Evan hadn't been himself at all. The bright-eyed boy with the goofy smile and shy blushes had been reduced to an empty shell, a husk of who he had once been. Instead of sparkling like ice, his eyes were dark with pain. The once healthy, thick mop of hair on his head had gone limp. The soft, flawless skin of his wrists was mapped with scars, though most of them were old as Evan hadn't been able to even muster the energy to pick up his razor lately.
He was not Evan Hansen. He was someone who might have once been Evan Hansen, perhaps in another lifetime, one where he could remember what pure happiness felt like. But those memories had disappeared along with himself.
Now that the thought about it, exactly why was he still here?
He wasn't doing anything particularly useful, just sitting, thinking, and producing twice his weight in tears. He was a waste of space, he noted as he glanced down at his skinny arms and traced his fingers along the thin lines. He hated it. He hated being a waste of potential and a disappointment to probably every living being on Earth.
They don't want you here either, Evan.
The voice echoed in Evan's ears, and he sucked in a sharp breath, the pounding in his ears getting louder. The voice was wrong, he tried to tell himself. It was wrong it was wrong it was wrong. But his efforts to convince himself felt weak and forced.
It's right it's right it's right.
How many people would miss him? Would his mom? Maybe, but once she remembered who her son was- her lying, manipulative son- she'd forget. And Jared? Would Jared miss him? Never. Evan didn't need to think twice. His dad? Ha. Evan's father had probably forgotten he had a son.
Wincing with the effort, Evan reached to the side of his bed and picked up his laptop from the floor.
…I'd run to a secluded place, climb, close my eyes, and fall.
The first thing Evan saw when he opened his laptop was his home screen, decorated with the wallpaper he hadn't bothered to change in months. It showed Evan- the real Evan, long gone Evan- standing in front of a thick oak tree, blond curls hanging in his face, his grin somewhat crooked but nevertheless overjoyed. He held himself with much more bravado than he usually did, and the "Apprentice Park Ranger" badge pinned to his uniform glinted in the sunlight.
He felt unexpected tears prick the back of his eyelids. That was his first day on the job that had changed his life. His mind flickered back to the day- the day he was called and informed he'd been given the job, the celebration his mom had thrown for him, and then taking his picture in front of his favorite tree for his scrapbook.
He remembered the day, only a month later. he'd gone back to that oak tree, and he'd started climbing, and he looked out from the top branch and wondered why he'd never bothered to seek this glorious view before.
The day he'd let go.
He forced the memory out of his mind, steadied his shaking hand, and clicked on Google Docs.
Would you think that it was me who suddenly left you behind?
One time, before the Connor Project, Evan's mom had walked into his room with a sizable stack of papers in her hands, her smile as bright as ever. She'd explained to him that the papers were essay contests, and with his skills at writing, he might win himself a scholarship. "You're a fabulous writer," she'd said. "Imagine the colleges you could get into!"
She'd believed in her son so much. She'd been so confident in his abilities.
And now her son was gone, taken by the repercussions of his lies, leaving a sickly doppelgänger in his place.
They would not miss him.
At least he could now put his writing skills to use.
Or would my empty shell be the one you try to find?
Thirty minutes of writing, revising, and editing finally led Evan to where he wanted to be. The document was long and his throat ached with unshed tears when he finished and hit the print button, but he'd be okay. In the long run, it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't matter. Who was he kidding, he didn't even matter now.
After stumbling out of his bed and making his way over to the printer he had in his room (one of Heidi's many kindnesses), he fetched the document and placed it on his neatly folded bedsheets, on top of his tear-stained pillow. Crossing his arms, he stepped back to admire it. His breath hitched in his throat. Nobody walking into his room for the first time would guess that it belonged to a quiet, scarred, tired boy formerly known as Evan Hansen. It looked like it belonged to the real Evan, the one who loved and could be loved, who could find happiness in the small things like sunrises and the breeze rustling through tree branches.
Once everything was ready, Evan debated taking his phone with him for only a moment before deciding it was probably wise to leave it behind. Quickly he snatched it from his nightstand and disabled the password so Heidi would be able to get in. At least he wouldn't be able to get yelled at for his internet history after today. Not that Heidi would care. She'd see and laugh, and then she'd think about how she expected nothing less from such a horrible person, and that even now Evan would soon be no more than a forgotten memory.
I deserve to be forgotten. Let them forget me.
Evan's plan was now in motion.
He began to approach the bedroom door slowly before hesitating, his pale hand ghosting the doorknob for a second before he turned around to take in the details of his room for the very last time. Another unexpected wave of memories washed over him like a tide and made him feel nauseous.
Image after image began to fly though his head. Each one was louder than the last.
Evan and Jared, playing Mario Kart instead of studying. Evan was winning.
Evan having a panic attack and crying into his mom's shoulder, whispering how much he loved her, and Heidi whispering her love back.
Zoe, her lips pressed to Evan's, their fingers intertwined as their brains went haywire together.
And many more, years upon years of memories, memories Evan had vowed to never forget, but here he was.
And suddenly Evan was crying, because he knew he didn't want to die, that somehow everything would turn out alright like it always did. Heidi would come save him. Jared would forgive him. Zoe would whisper sweet nothings into his ear. Alana would assure him that he was still loved and valuable. And he'd be Evan again. He'd be happy.
But that feeling was gone as soon as it had appeared, and Evan was left alone with his tears and ragged breathing.
He needed to leave this all behind.
So, he slipped out of his room without a second glance.
Since Heidi wasn't home from work yet, Evan was able to slip easily into the garage and into his car. He let the familiar sound of the old engine starting lull him a bit. The sound was relaxing and something he was very used to, and he felt his breathing instantly calm. He'd be okay.
He pulled out of the driveway unceremoniously, since no goodbyes were necessary. His house would be so much brighter without him, wouldn't it? Why would he bid goodbye to something that would be better off without him?
Why would he bid goodbye to something he would be better off without?
The country road to the national park was silent. It was a weekday and school had only just gotten out of session, so nobody was traveling quite yet. Once again, Evan was alone with his thoughts. He gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white so the thoughts would stay away. He just wanted to keep his eyes on the goal, and the intrusive memories were not helping.
It wasn't long before he arrived.
He parked right in front of his oak tree. His ears starting to ring, and his heart starting to pump faster. This was it, this was the end. It seemed so surreal. Evan let out an involuntary laugh of relief. Everything was going so fast. Memories were whirring past him like a tornado, and he was caught in the eye of it all. They just kept whirring and whirring and suddenly Evan wasn't really aware of himself anymore. Time sped up. He got out of the car. And then he was climbing.
One foot after the other. One branch, then to another.
Keep going, keep getting higher, until all you can see is sun.
Let it shine on your face.
Let the world mourn the Evan they have already lost, not the Evan they are about to lose.
And suddenly he was there. He was on the same branch. He was looking at the same sun.
He let go.
And there was no pain.
Only darkness.
I promise I'm still here, even if you cannot see…
"Evan!" Heidi called cheerfully as she dropped her bags by the front door, almost panting with tiredness. It had been a long day, but it was over. She'd made it through, and now she had arrived at her favorite part of the day, which was spending time with her son. Evan hadn't been feeling so well the last couple of days, but Heidi knew she could cheer him up.
"Evan?" Heidi called again, her brow furrowing when she didn't get a response after a moment. Oh well. He was probably in his room, sleeping. She'd be sure to wake him up gently.
She climbed the stairs with ease, the name tag on her uniform jingling until she arrived at Evan's door. Pushing the door open, she gazed to her son's room. "Ev-" she began, but stopped mid word.
Evan's room was empty.
Normally she'd just turn and leave. She'd go search for Evan somewhere else. But a small shape on Evan's bed caught her attention, and she slipped inside his room slowly, listening to the door creak.
Evan's bed was neatly made and his room was cleaned perfectly. Heidi hadn't seen it this nice in a long time. He'd even put his laundry away.
But she laid little mind to that compared the the shape on Evan's bed.
As she got closer, she saw it was a folded up note, which immediately sparked her curiosity. She picked it up gently and saw it assessed to "mom" on the outside.
Suddenly her heartbeat increased rapidly.
With shaky fingers she unfolded the note, scanning it quickly, and suddenly she knew exactly what it was.
"Mom,
This is short but I hope it gets the point across.
If you're reading this, it means I succeeded this time.
I'm sorry I've been so unlike myself these last couple days. Because the truth is, I haven't been myself. The Connor Project took that all away from me. I don't know whether it was Jared, or Zoe, or even you that made it happen, but it happened and none of us can change it. I'm sorry. I miss you so much already. I miss our taco Tuesdays and your essay contests. I miss your hugs and I miss your smile. I miss those times when you'd calm me down after an anxiety attack, and then we'd go eat popcorn and watch Disney movies. I'm sorry I took all that away from you. I'm sorry I snapped some time during the school year and turned into the lying disgrace of a son who you know and don't love. But it's okay. I got what I deserve.
I don't want you to think that Evan Hansen is the one who died. He's not. Evan is still with you, even though you don't know it. The person who died is just a changed version of me who doesn't deserve to live.
I don't mean to hurt you. I just want to help. All I've always wanted was to help. I don't want myself to die, I want you to know that I live on. Please remember the real me. Think back on all good memories. That's the me I want you to remember. The me you used to know.
I love you, Mom.
All I ask is one thing:
I know I'm not who you think I am, but please don't forget me."