Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerers
Chapter One: But I'm a wizard!
Thump! Thump! Thump! Harry's eyes slowly opened, and he awoke to the sound of thumping. Now, thumping can be very loud when you're in an enclosed space, and he was indeed in one. He was in a closet, and not the large kind of closet that was big enough for clothing racks, toys, shelves, and maybe even a small mattress. No, Harry was in the small kind, big enough only for himself, a blanket, a pillow if he was lucking, and a small shelf for the few other possessions he had. For, in fact, that was what the closet contained; A small white blanket, a pillow (more like a rock) and a small shelf with clothes, plus some of his toys (he only had a few) and that was it. That was all he owned in the world. Thump! Thump! Thump! The thumping persisted, and he slowly got up from the floor, and opened the door to his closet. "Yes, uncle Vernon?" Harry asked. "So, you finally got your lazy arse up, did you?" His uncle shouted from the stairs above him. His uncle was a fat man, with a deep voice; he had a bushy mustache, and small beady eyes. His uncle was also probably the meanest person he had ever met in his life, besides maybe the evil lady who lived across the street, and had lots of cats. He had tried to count them once, but lost count after the 49. "Yes uncle." Harry replied. "Good, well then you can get your smart mouthing butt over to the kitchen, and cook up some food!"
"But uncle, I'm a wizard! I can just do that with magic!"
"What? What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm a wizard! I can just make food with magic!"
"Oh god, not again. Petunia! Get the needle! Harry's gone crazy again!"
Petunia was a slim woman, and tall in stature, and her face always looked like she had just swallowed something extremely sour. "Can I stab him this time mum?" Came Dudley's voice from the kitchen. "Sure honey, just remember not to jab him too hard." Petunia Crooned. Dudley was an asshole. There is nothing else to it. Simply that, nothing else, no questions asked. Stab! Harry was hit by a flying needle, and fell uncoinsuos.
After Harry's little… encounter with Dudley and the needle, Harry started to cook for the Dursleys. Shortly after, harry received a letter from Hogwarts, requesting him to attend school there. The reason I'm skipping all of this is because it's boring and nobody wants to read it, so we'll just skip right to the part where Hagrid bursts into the shack on the island.
Boom! The door was busted down by a very large figure. "S-s-stay back!" yelled Vernon while pointing the shotgun at it. "Blarrgnorphskieg!" the huge figure uttered something incomprehensible, and snapped the gun in two. "Ahh!" Dudley yelled, and the figure suddenly pointed a pink umbrella that randomly appeared out of nowhere, and turned him into a squirrel. He then grabbed Harry, ran out the door, opened the umbrella, and flew off. After about five hours of flying ( in which Hagrid told Harry his name and where they were going), he and Harry landed in the middle of what seemed to be an alley and the man said; "okay, so now, your going to go buy a wand from that hobo over there, while I go get you a flying newt." Then the figure randomly disappeared. Harry shrugged, and walked over to the Hobo in question. He smelled like dog breath, and looked even worse. "Ello mate! Would you like to buy a wand?" He questioned. "Umm…sure." Replied harry. "Take a look at all my fabulous wares!" He screeched, and opened up his coat. In the coat, Harry saw a fork, a pencil, a shoelace, a bullet for a sniper rifle, and a pickle. "Wow…you sure have…unique items." The Hobo made a face so weird that he thought he might explode, but instead he handed him the pickle, and yelled "the miscellaneous object chooses the wizard!" while running away. Hagrid than reappeared, and yelled "Here's your Newt! Now, fly!" And Hagrid punted harry with his newt and pickle, into the air. Harry landed on a train, and smashed through the top of one of the carts. Crash! He landed on a seat next to a red haired kid. "O-M-G!!" The red haired kid screamed at the top of his lungs, and then immediately started glomping Harry. "Ahh! Get off!" Harry yelled. "Your like, Harry Potter, Though!" He said in a really girlish voice. "Yeah, I know." Then a girl with brown hair walked into the compartment, and said in an extremely deep voice "Hi, I'm Hermione!" They both just stared at her for a while, until she sat down. Then, yet another person busted into the compartment. "Sup my homie G's? " Said a voice. This voice belonged to none other than Draco Malfoy, who Harry for some unbeknownst reason, immediately hated. Harry just glared at him, while he introduced his "lady-friends" Grab and Boyle. Harry continued to glare at the space he had just been even when he left, and for the whole bus ride, he stared at the same spot. This resulted in Harry being temporarily blind, so he couldn't see that what he had run into when attempting to get off the train was not a piece of luggage, but in fact, Boyle's butt.
Chapter 1 part 2: Pigpimples.
"All first years into the main hall!" Yelled Professor McGonagall. All of the first years shuffled into the hall at her command, and lined up for the sorting cat. She read off the names on the list. Pansy Slutinskon, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Neville Shortass, ECT. Finally, Harry's name was called. He walked up to the chair, and sat down. Minerva placed the cat upon his head, and he could immediately feel its conscience beside his. …the proud and brave…for the greater good… I feel these things inside you…you shall be…Gryffindor… Then harry thought back Gryffindor? Freaking Gryffindor? I'm evil! I wanna be in Slytherin! The cat was surprised by this, and replied I can assure you your not, Mr. Potter. "Gryffindor!" the cat yelled. "NO! NO! I'm evil I tell you! EVIL!" Harry shouted as he was dragged to the Gryffindor table by security guards. Next it was Ron's turn, and as he sat down, he saw an extremely hot chick wiggling her boobs at him at the Ravenclaw table. He thought; Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw! But to no avail, as the cat shouted "Gryffindor!" and he was, like Harry, dragged to the Gryffindor table by security guards.
So, how did you all like it? The next chapter will be; Defense Against the Farce Arts class, Here's a preview!
"Ahh!" Harry screamed as a fart curse was shot his way. Phhhhhhhhht! It exploded in a veil of green gas created out of pure stink. "Auug!" Harry moaned as he fell to the floor…he couldn't take it…he was…losing…breath to…fast... he gulped for air, but to no avail…he was going to die… all because of this stupid… Farce arts class. As he sucked in his last breath, he thought he heard someone saying his name…