Rimmer, Ace: U-56S
Arnold Judas Rimmer felt like he was being flattened and pulled apart simultaneously before he was brutally snapped back to himself, head feeling like it was in a vice and body aching all over with a pulse faster than his simulated heartbeat. It was his first dimension jump in the Wildfire and already he was unsure if he'd be able to handle them on a regular basis, but that was part of being the 'immortal' space hero of the multiverse and Rimmer would just have to get used to it, if he even survived very long.
"Arnold," the ship's AI spoke, and to Rimmer's surprise, in Yvonne McGruder's sultry voice.
"Y-Yes?" He didn't know what to expect; would she send him on a mission already when he was still wet or would there be more training than a magic carpet ride through the Alps and a single moment of half-assed bravery on Starbug.
"It is time to start your upgrades," she informed him matter-of-factly.
"Upgrades? I'm already hard-light, what more can you do to me?"
"You'll understand afterwards, now please shift to soft-light so I might connect to your light bee."
Well that was a very personal thing to all but demand of him! Rimmer scowled for a long moment, debating whether or not to actually acquiesce when he thought of Lister and how he would feel; the knight from AR was clearly faked in an effort to try to build his confidence so he 'wouldn't be the one to break the chain'—he turned to soft-light.
The Wildfire console emitted a whirring sound and then a small attachment with a four prong head snaked its way out of the console, spinning a bit before it grabbed his light bee. His projection flickered a little then stabilised even with the cord through his chest. He watched the control panel light up here and there as code travelled across the small monitor under the window screen, starting in binary and eventually evolving into MS-DOS, the commands moving faster on the screen than he could read.
"What are you doing?" Rimmer felt he had a right to know what was being done to him.
"You are being upgraded with specific knowledge and memories of the original Ace and a bit from all those who have come and gone since. This will help you with taking on the role as well as understanding how important the legacy is."
"After seeing all those coffins, I understand perfectly how important the legacy is."
"Perhaps, but this is protocol, just to be sure and regardless of your convictions."
They lapsed into silence until Rimmer thought of something else. "How will I know my memories from these new ones?"
"The way they are processed allows you to distinguish your memories from theirs by having you dream them. They will seem like fantasies, things you might have dreamt up, instead of memories of your unique reality."
"Oh." He was amazed by how sensible that sounded, and it eased at least part of his worries. The process seemed to take longer than Rimmer expected but he tried not to fall asleep yet, worried it was too soon.
"It's okay to sleep Arnold, let the program start it's magic," she cooed, soothing him enough that he finally drifted off.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-95X (In X-R59)
He had a split second to carefully aim his pistol and shoot, but if he didn't then everyone in the barracks would die of asphyxiation and he wasn't about to let that happen if he could stop it—not on Ace Rimmer's watch!
The bullets whizzed through the air, hitting their target exactly, and soon after, he was rushing past the body, barely missing the sparks that fizzled from simulant's taser. When he got to the corner, he held back to get out a mirror and look around, seeing another two simulants waiting for him, one with a taser and the other with a… water pistol? 'That's a new one,' he smirked. Saving the multiverse certainly came with many surprises, but it seemed most were just an unexpected combination of things, and yet sometimes there was something that still made Ace shake his head in amazement.
Shooting an exhaust valve so he could get around without being seen, the smoke gave him the perfect cover to take out the two simulants, then to solve the quandary of the water pistol proved even more intriguing as he found it filled with oil. They must have realised that some oils made the electricity hurt more when applied to humans or machines, those devious and demented sods. Once they were dead, and he made sure of that with well-placed shots to the left side of their head where the main processor hub was, finally meant that Ace could collect his prize—the hard-light technology and its creators, the Legion of Hologrammatic Scientists.
"Hello gentlemen," he swaggered into the room with exhaust fumes following for a grand entrance, "I've come to take you back to the Space Corps safe and sound. If you'll follow me, I've cleared the way for us back to my ship."
"Who are you?" The short and grey one asked.
"Ace Rimmer, at your service."
"I think I've heard of you before," the tall and stout one exclaimed from his corner spot.
"I'm honoured but really, we don't have much time before the simulants start noticing your guards have been taken out. Come on boys, let's get going."
Ace motioned to the five men, who all jumped up to follow, and lead the way back to the Wildfire. When they arrived at the docking bay, three simulants had surrounded the dimension jumper and were examining it for clues to the pilot, giving Ace a perfect chance to take them all out, three quick shots to the head and they were down. Then it was a tight fit for five people into a space for three at most, after he wiggled himself into the cockpit, going through the fastest startup the ship had ever done yet, before shooting the doors open and jetting out. Of course there was a small firefight to deal with, the simulants would notice the cargo bay doors being blown off, but his Wildfire was fast and smaller than their hulking black monstrosity of a ship, barely able to make a turn off a 50 dollarpound note, much less a coin, and soon they were heading back to the base they had been sent from, the welcome party grand and over the top, just as he expected.
Being given a captaincy felt meaningless at this juncture, though the added new tech helped ease his mind for the future of course, so Ace graciously accepted all the accolades and gifts before leaving that dimension, taking extra care of where and when his doppelganger was for his log, which was ever growing; he wasn't sure why he kept it, maybe one day it would become clear.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-12H
Arnold J Rimmer made it to the stasis booth right before the blast of Cadmium II radiation went through the ship, so when the radiation levels were safe enough, he and Lister became the last two humans in the universe.
They bickered and wound one another up constantly, getting almost as much entertainment from that is they did from watching vids and 'new' channels they stumbled upon. Of course Rimmer continued to work around the ship, trying to help Holly and the skutters with the maintenance but eventually Lister had to step in and help with his natural talent for machinery on the more difficult tasks. They came across Kryten and it made taking care of the ship much easier, at least after he was repaired and put back together. Rimmer kept trying and failing the astronavigation exam at least twice a year, yet somehow became the one that Cat went to for crispies and milk after Lister forgot one too many times in his depressed benders, and Kryten learned to only clean the frequented decks for the sake of everyone's sanity.
Life moved on, as it does, they had adventures and scrapes with death, disaster, and detriment. Eventually they were visited by the dimension jumping hero Ace Rimmer, only this first time when he came across himself, it was with a very odd request.
"Take your place?" Rimmer's voice broke as he spoke.
"Yes Arnie, I need you to take my place. There are so many dimension in the multiverse that need our protection."
"But... I'm an abject coward," he responded lamely.
"Look at me Arnie—if I can do this, then so can you." Ace sounded as desperate as he felt, and he hoped that this version of him understood that, was better than the last few he'd met, better than the first he'd met.
"How much time do you have? I want to think about it."
"At least a day before I have to start training someone. Take your time, this is a big decision." Ace felt whatever hope he had in this version of himself, who showed so much potential, was already lost; he'd seen the looks between the last two humans in the universe.
Rimmer left the medibay, Kryten taking over his place taking care of Ace, while he went to talk to Lister, whom he found in the disco drinking a pint by himself. Pouring himself a glass of white wine, he sat beside the Liverpudlian and they started their usual tête-à-tête with the usual nod and usual raised glass. Eventually, the smaller man spoke first.
"Are you going to do it?" That wasn't what the Ionian expected.
"He thinks I should, but I'm not so sure. What do you think Listy?" He could trust the Scouser and they both knew it.
"I think you should go," he whispered.
"What, why?" That definitely wasn't the answer Rimmer had expected; if he were being honest with himself, he hoped this was the moment that Lister would do something space crazy like confess his undying love with tears and kisses. It would save him the trouble of keeping his feelings bottled up any longer, unless he took this chance to run off without saying a damn word like the smegging coward they all knew him to be.
"Because he asked you to, because there's nothing keeping you here, because you'll finally be the hero you always dreamed of being." Lister sounded sadder the more he spoke, but then put on a smile. "C'mon Rimsy, admit it, you want out of here as much as I want to go home, right?"
"Not like this." He frowned.
'Who was he to disappoint that gerbil faced goit?' He questioned later, watching his bunkmate sleep at his seat, snoring like the sawing of animals was a musical symphony for sadists, forehead resting against the counter awkwardly. Rimmer contemplated waking Lister up but worried enough what kind of hangover he'd have this time to leave him. It was strange, however, that he was even here, getting plastered, at all. Nothing really had happened lately that should have made the slob get this drunk, at least that the Ionian could tell, unless it was the prospect of him leaving. But that was impossible, he didn't feel the same, couldn't in fact, he was so head over heels for a dead woman and his dream of Fiji—'Could he?'
"You could never love me back, could you David?" Rimmer whispered, getting a snore in response. "I thought not." He got up and went back to the medibay to give Ace his answer; he was going do it, and only hoped that somehow, one day, Lister found Kochanski so that at least one of them could get the person they desired most.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-P942
He ran down the street, the bus still idling at the stop as he got closer, yet as he neared it, the damn thing drove off. It was probably that driver he had pissed off last week, even if he was technically right about the change in time and thus the fare was cheaper. 'That's what happens when drivers start getting paid based on the amounts they rake in,' Arnold Judas Rimmer thought coldly, 'they start bending the rules even a little bit because the system is stacked against them.' Well, he was the last person to hold that against someone, the entirety of existence was against him or so it seemed, but it didn't mean he couldn't be a little upset now and again.
Sitting on the bench was a hunched figure, covered in what looked like a fleece blanket with the London Jets zero-gee football league logo emblazoned across the fuzzy back, a round face with cherub cheeks poking out from a hole, framed by the tassel fringe of the blanket. Rimmer wasn't sure if he was even alive until the figure coughed and leaned forwards, head going between his knees. The Ionian stayed at the edge of the bus stop enclosure, not sure he should get much closer to what appeared like a homeless man recovering from some kind of bender. Unfortunately, the bum noticed Rimmer's military-grade shiny shoes and looked up, warm brown eyes and soppy grin peeking out from the blanket.
"Hey, can you tell me where I am? I kinda got really pished; last time I was sober, I was on the way back to Liverpool from London," asked the man in a soft, scratchy voice.
Rimmer gazed at the Scouser for a long moment before answering tentatively, "You're on Io, one of Jupiter's moons."
"Well smeg, how'd that happen?" The man looked around bewildered as he finally seemed to take in their surroundings. "I'm Dave Lister, by the way, nice to meet you," and he held out a grubby hand.
"Arnold Rimmer," he found himself saying before he could think better of it, lightly taking the hand offered before he realised what he was doing. "How did you get so drunk you unknowingly traveled from Earth to Io?"
Lister, upon taking his hand back, started patting himself down, opening the blanket to reveal a leather jacket and chaps over jeans; Rimmer found himself admiring the sight it afforded him. "Emily Berkenstein?!" The young man cried at the interstellar passport he'd pulled from his jacket.
"Not yours I take it? Leave it to someone from Earth to be the lucky kind of idiot that gets around the solar system with the wrong identification." Rimmer didn't know why he felt the need to antagonise the other man, but the look levied back at him made it worth the effort.
"Are you always such a smeghead?" It was said with some strange kind of affection.
"People keep telling me that, yes." Rimmer smirked with just a touch of humour.
They lapsed into a companionable silence before the Ionian did something he normally would never have even considered but that felt right, like he was meant to be have missed that bus and been there to help. "Would you like to come stay with me?" He paused for a moment, then realised how creepy the offer might sound. "I swear I'm not a rapist or serial killer, it'll be just until you get on your feet or even until you can get back to Earth, but I have extra room in my flat and I know a place you could get a good paying job—"
"Even with a passport in the wrong name and no work visa?"
"I'm sure we can figure out how to get you the proper paperwork, but yes." For some strange reason, Rimmer felt drawn to this accidental space bum and was hoping against hope that his offer was accepted.
"Well, I'm sure crashing at your place would be better than trying to live off the streets here. Isn't this the most conservative place in the Milky Way?" Lister stood up and took the two steps closer to Rimmer.
"Yes, unfortunately," he grimaced and the other man laughed.
"Just so you know, people keep telling me I snore like a chainsaw."
"I'll be sure to purchase something to drown out the noise then."
"You're an okay guy Rimmer," Lister smiled brightly.
"Thank you," he responded tentatively, "you seem like an okay sort yourself Listy."
That was the start of a whirlwind romance that sadly ended with a tragic accident over ten years later and leaving Rimmer alone again, only this time heartbroken and numb, so that when Ace arrived to his dimension to recruit a replacement, he jumped at the chance to leave all his baggage behind.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-801V
Things actually went downhill after Kristine Kochanski tragically died, and Dave Lister became absolutely melancholy in his grief so that even Holly, the Cat, and Kryten couldn't get him out of his funk; Arnold Rimmer tried his best, being his own kind of nice and as cruel as possible, but to no avail when Lister would start yelling at him to shut up, even throw crushed to freshly opened cans of lager at him to get just a bit of silence when the Ionian would inevitably leave, if only for a few hours. Eventually Kryten would come up with something to help make Lister smile again, Holly would scare them all with some easily averted crisis, or the Cat would say something on the stupid side of brilliant and everything would go back to normal again, for the time being. But it was getting harder and harder for Rimmer to continue trying to keep the other man sane while he was slowly and surely losing his own in the most fantastical way possible—jealous, envious of himself.
Ever since being brought back by the nanobots and told about his hologrammatic alter who left to go run around the multiverse as a space hero, this version of Rimmer realised that somehow along their journeys, Lister and his other self had fallen in love and losing Krissy had meant the bum was left without the girl or hologram. Sure, he had to deal with the existential crisis knowing that meant he had the same capacity whether he, the reanimated living version who hadn't gone through all the personal growth alongside the Scouser, wanted to act upon or not, but overall, he just couldn't see what his hologram could have learned to love about Lister. Even if he could accept his bisexuality—what with the man being all the gross and unpleasant parts of humanity covered in curry sauce, doused in lager, rolled in bits of poppadoms, and finally wrapped in leather like a specialty filet mignon—it wasn't an appetising thought for him—nope, not at all, not one smegging bit, thank you very much—even if the slob looked cute when he was sleeping or seemed downright adorable when he whinged about something the Ionian usually did to wind him up.
Eventually he gave up, too tired to continue fighting with the other man, and resigned himself to soon being the last human in the universe when his bunkmate killed himself either by drinking, neglect, or both. While he didn't want that to happen━Rimmer had actually started to like Lister as a person, especially after the Tank━he wasn't going to baby the Scouser any longer when clearly he'd rather kill himself because a woman who was never going to cave into his advances had died. How pathetic, how infantile, how… romantic! It's what he wished he could do, maybe if he'd stood remotely a chance with any women in his life, although he'd had hopes about Krissy that never came to fruition, there was also Carol McCauley, or better yet, Yvonne McGruder. He'd missed an opportunity there, twice really being stuck in jail while she got with that Denton fellow; almost felt like the universe, even three million years in deep space and brought back to life, refused to be kind to him.
It was about a week after Rimmer gave up trying to help Lister, his downward spiral having gone on for a little over four months by then, when everything changed.
"Now isn't this interesting, Davey-boy found the small rouge one but I could have sworn this dimension had a hologrammatic version of myself," Ace commented as he came out of the Wildfire; Holly had only gotten to telling Rimmer about the hero's arrival and was told to keep the news quiet.
"I'm… well, I was recreated with the rest of the crew by Kryten's nanobots along with Red Dwarf years ago." He spoke with belligerency, feeling somehow threatened by this doppelganger's very existence.
"Nanobots, hm… so do you remember everything up to the radiation leak then?"
"Yes," he answered shortly. The two of them stared one another down, almost as if they both were bothered by the mere presence of the other, but Rimmer couldn't understand why that was; even if this was the same hologram who left this dimension, he had still gone out and been a hero while the sad substitute was stuck with the leftovers and being not quite like himself.
"Ah, yes, well… where's everyone else?" He sounded very keen to hear the answer and it almost made the living one not want to answer, but he almost couldn't stop himself.
"I don't know where Cat or Kryten are, but Lister is drowning his sorrows drinking in bed."
"Is that normal?" It sounded like Ace knew it shouldn't be normal at all.
"It is now, ever since Krissy died." The hero seemed to do a double take.
"Run that by me again Arnie, you don't mean Kristine Kochanski?" And so Rimmer, with a bit of Holly's help, retold everything that had happened since the Dwarf was rebuilt, he and the crew resurrected, the things he'd been told about how Krissy was from a parallel dimension, and up to recent events as they went from the cargo bay to the drive room. "And you just gave up on him?"
"Of course I did you gimboid, I wasn't brought back to keep him sane or anything."
"Well Arnold," Holly pointed out, "you also don't have the experience the hologram Arnold here had keeping him sane, does something to a man to watch another person breakdown."
"Wait, what?" Rimmer gawked at the computer AI.
"He's right, you didn't see Lister when he first came out of stasis like I did." The hologram had lost the strange tenor in his voice and took his wig off, shaking the flattened curls out slightly. "Thanks for ousting me Holly, I was waiting for a big reveal." Now the only difference between them was their outfits.
"So you're the one Lister kept going on and on about like some kind of demigod," he sneered.
"I doubt Listy was that kind," he scoffed, "we hate each other."
"I would have thought so too, I certainly used to hate him, but we became something like friends in the Tank and he opened up to me about you," living Rimmer sighed.
"He had a dream you came back once, before they got the Dwarf back, and he told me about it. Wouldn't give a lot of details mind you, but he got this glazed look as he told me and I swear, he missed you enough to make it seem like I could never live up to whatever greatness you achieved in his eyes."
"Me," hologram Rimmer laughed bitterly, "achieve greatness!"
"Says the man who just came back from being a hero," was the snide response, Rimmer crossing his arms defensively. Of course another version of himself wouldn't believe him, just like everyone else.
At that moment, the Cat entered the room, spinning around and yowling a bit before noticed either of the men in the room. "Yeow, is that a mirror or are there two of you?"
"Sorry Cat, there's two of us." The hologram put on the deeper voice again, but didn't seem to think bothering with the wig would matter.
"Hiya buddy, long time no see!" Cat saddled up beside Ace and grinned. "I didn't ask last time, but have you got another one of those wicked jackets?"
"I'll get one especially for you from my ship in a bit, I wanted to go see Davey-boy and Kryters first, if that's okay?"
"Yeah, of course Ace, I'll sniff 'em out for ya!" He motioned for Ace to lead the way and, waggling his finely sculpted eyebrows at Rimmer, purred on his way out, "What a guy!"
Rimmer followed Ace and Cat to the bunk room he shared with Lister, who was blowing bubbles in his beer milkshake as they entered.
"Hey bud, guess who came to visit?" Cat announced as he walked into the room.
Eyes wide, Lister held his breath before jumping up, his focus solely on Ace. "Is it you?" The hologram nodded and the Scouser rushed at him, hugging tight and muttering, "I'm never letting you leave us again man."
Rimmer saw the confusion on Cat's face and felt like an intruder, so he slipped out and collected Kryten, telling the mechanoid there was something important for him to see. When the original Boys from the Dwarf were reunited, he dropped the bomb.
"So what shall I do now that you've all gotten your hologrammatic version of me back?" He spoke with thinly veiled envy, wanting them to know how he felt.
Kryten and Cat did a double take at the hologram, who had the decency to shrug sheepishly, and Lister blinked, looking between the two of them a few times before his brows furrowed. "But Rimmer, you are one of us. You helped save the Dwarf and all of us; we had fun pranking Hollister and Ackerman together, didn't we?"
Rimmer sneered. "If I mattered that much, why would you keep comparing me to him?!"
Lister melted, the guilt evident on his face. "I'm sorry man, I didn't mean…"
"Of course you never mean to Lister, but that doesn't stop you from going about it like an elephant in a china shop." Rimmer crossed his arms, part defensive and part accusatory.
Lister flinched and Ace moved protectively in front of the smaller man. "Stop Arnie, before you say something you'll regret."
"Don't protect him, you know exactly what I'm talking about," he snapped. "Tell us Lister, when none of us could bring you out of your depression, why do you perk up the moment he comes back?"
"What are you implying Arnie?" Ace's voice, even with that low baritone, had a dangerous tone to it, his eyes narrowed.
Rimmer ignored Ace and looked pointedly at Lister. "You think only of yourself." That got a reaction out of the Scouser, who tried to lunge at the Ionian but was held back by the hologram.
"Say that again, I dare you! Of all the things I've done for you, that Krissy did━"
"You aren't the only one who loved her dammit!" Rimmer cried, fists at his side and face red. It got quiet, the only sound was the man's harsh breathing.
Lister, calm in a moment of subtle brilliance, walked around Ace, each step making Rimmer tense more the closer he got, but all the tension released the moment those scrubby arms wrapped around him. They hugged each other tightly, finding solace in the mutual misery, mourning over the woman they both loved.
Hours later, when everyone had calmed down and Lister explained to the others how and why Ace was really the hologram they had all lived with for years, the reason for his visit became known.
"So you aren't dying?" Lister sounded panicked.
"No Listy, I'm retiring voluntarily for my health." He told everyone how he'd been suffering from stress related anxiety recently, likely related to earlier health issues they thought had been dealt with before he left. Over the years he'd been gone, which were almost double for him compared to what it had been for his crew, he had decided to stop in his home dimension before going to find a replacement if he retired, but with this nanobot recreated version, he wouldn't need to find another to take his place, if he were willing. Eventually, with so much to think about all around, they all retired for the night, Ace being shown to a set of guest quarters not far from the bunk room Lister and Rimmer shared.
Early the next morning, Rimmer knocked on Ace's door and was surprised at being allowed to enter so easily, the hologram explaining, "I expected you'd have questions you wouldn't want to ask in front of them."
"I can't be a space hero, I'm entirely unqualified" he lamely offered.
"That's not a question, but certainly you can and you're perfectly qualified." Ace seemed very unmistakingly sure of that.
"What made you able to go?"
"A push." He was unhelpful and said no more; Rimmer scowled but by the next day, he'd made up his mind━he would take the hologram's place.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-56S
The newly minted 'Ace' woke up with a headache that resembled a stampede of buffalo on the Midwest plains, his head fuzzy and pounding; the memories swirling around his mind like the flakes in a freshly shaken snow globe. He moaned at the feeling of the attachment releasing his bee and snaking out of his soft-light projection to disappear back into the console, taking a moment to shift back to hard-light and into the pre-programmed uniform he'd been wearing on Starbug before shifting into the bacofoil flight suit.
"I really hate this smegging outfit," he groused.
"Yes, most of you do," the computer responded in a bored tone. "How did you sleep?"
"I feel hungover, is that normal?"
"Very, you've had a lot of new information uploaded and your digital mind must reconcile it all in a way you can handle. The process takes anywhere from one to six days, with an average of three point four days."
"What should I do in the meantime?"
"There are things you could read, mostly diaries the others wrote of their adventures, but you'll likely just sleep most of the time. I'm currently in orbit with the Ace caskets, per procedure, until you are ready to head out." Rimmer looked out the window at all the blinking golden cases, knowing that each and every one held the light bee of a former Ace, another version of him that lived a different life, big or small, he didn't know.
"Is the original out there too?"
"Yes. If you haven't seen it already, he acquired hard-light hologram technology before his death and carried on for some years afterwards before the light bee was damaged beyond repair. It was also after his original death that he devised this plan to have his legacy carry on, and those protocols are still followed today."
Rimmer scoffed, mildly impressed by the information just a little bit; of course it was just like that smug git to have something as precious as hard-light technology fall into his lap after they met and he saw how powerless being soft-light really was. Perhaps it was even why he accepted it at all, or he just couldn't handle the thought of dying, but the latter somehow seemed unlikely. However, the headache was starting to get to him so he slid out of the seat, took the three steps from the cockpit to the cabin, and flopped onto the pallet bed. It was soft yet firm, just how he liked it, and the blanket was folded military style; this certainly was the living quarters for many versions of him when he didn't have to change anything. He barely had time to peel back the covers before burying his head in the pillow with a heavy sigh; maybe now he could sleep comfortably without the sounds of Lister's snoring or talkative pipes slowly putting him to sleep, but inevitably, it took him longer in the silence.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-3IK
The feeling of Dave's rough hands against Arnold's delicate skin made him moan loudly, body arching into the touch. The Scouser chuckled, his mouth latched onto the Ionian's neck, sucking gently against the pulse point as one hand strayed downwards, circling the belly button before continuing further, and the other teased a pert nipple.
"Dave," he said, the tone begging.
"What ya want Arn? I need ta hear ya say it," he teased gently.
"Don't tease me," the nasal voice whined.
Lister did anyway, teasing Rimmer's upper body, hands running up and down his sides and mouth kissing and licking the sweat slick skin, completely ignoring what his lover wanted until he finally gave in. It was part of the game they enjoyed so much.
Rimmer moaned as stubby fingers tweaked a nipple again, his head falling back. "Fuck me," He finally answered, louder than intended.
Lister grinned in satisfaction and nodded. "See, all ya had ta do was ask."
He leaned down to lap at the little bit of sweat pooling on the man's chest, his hair purposely brushing against the warm skin as he moved from one nipple to the other. When he was satisfied with the sounds from his lover, the Scouser started moving his hands down further, avoiding the obvious place as he opened the legs and settled between them. Grabbing the bottle of lube, he coated his fingers and started the preparations, going at them longer than needed, stretching the muscles until they were pliant and gave immediately to his ministrations at the slightest movement. It meant the Ionian was ready for the next step, where he was whining, mewling, straining, swearing, and twittering in delight; as Lister was a magnanimous lover, he lifted Rimmer's eager hips and propped a pillow beneath them, having no trouble in making it lie flat, before thrusting swiftly inside and starting on a quick, shallow pace.
And Rimmer was soon lustily filling the air with sounds—hot gasps, pants, whines, and moans, the occasional outcry; all he could think of and more—as Lister worked him into a frenzy, getting the man to orgasm easily. The Scouser's plans, however, to stall his own until he'd gotten at least two from the Ionian were dashed sooner than he expected when orgasm came up on him too quickly and Lister cried out loud enough to be heard over Rimmer. Hips stopped and body heaving slightly as he gained his resolve back, the man was ready to continue, his erection having not lost composure just then, and he started thrusting again with renewed enthusiasm into his lover, who was whimpering by then. When he was nearing his second climax and Rimmer seemed like he wouldn't last any longer either, Lister made this one count, thrusts increasing and mouth latched onto the man's neck as if it were a lifeline.
Afterwards, as Rimmer wrapped himself around Lister, their body sizes made it easier and more comfortable for the taller man, did either of them exchange cliché platitudes and sweet nothings between sensual and otherwise careless kisses in the afterglow, bodies covered in a satisfying sheen of sweat that left gooseflesh in the wake of the chill air.
"Will you marry me?" While he was submissive during sex, and for good reason, Arnold couldn't help being the first to ask, desperate to never lose the one pure thing in his life.
"Really Arn, ya wanna marry me?" Dave knew if he didn't answer quickly, his response would be taken badly, so he added in a rush, "Of course, I'd love to!"
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-56S
Rimmer jolted awake, the feeling of elation quickly turning to ice cold dread in his simulated stomach as he realised that had been just another memory from another Rimmer who had gotten his Lister, married him even, while he was basically pushed out the door by his with a by-your-leave that felt more like good riddance to bad smeg. The hologram sighed, wiping his face off and trying to will away the erection he'd developed, resolving that he wouldn't think of Lister, any of them really but most especially his own, but failing miserably and ending up masturbating furiously as he felt the ghost of memory touches and kisses all over his body, the resulting orgasm more powerful than he'd ever had before. When he fell asleep again, he thought he could almost hear Lister snoring.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-WP8
Arlene Janice Rimmer smoothed down her uniform smock, then the unruly curls she was doomed to call hair, then her smock again. When Lister stumbled into the bunkroom, she grimaced at the accompanying ballad he was still singing and wished she could smack him then had fate not decided that she was to live a second lifetime as an incorporeal hologram and develop a nervous tick under her left eye every time she got the urge to lay hands on the last human alive, his jumped up bogbot, or his vain humanoid pet.
"Hey Rimmah, Kryten found a signal from some kinda space station that seems abandoned, you wanna come with?" Lister had seemed to finally learn how ask rhetorical questions now, there was no way she wasn't going as the senior officer on board.
"When do we leave?" She clapped her hands and turned as he took his shirt off and put a new one on that was, thankfully, clean.
"After I change me kecks," he answered as the offending item dropped from his waist to the floor, the enormous package hidden by a pair of heavily stained boxers, making her turn her back on him again with a slight blush.
It always amazed Rimmer how easily she became comfortable with a male bunkmate on a ship that was usually against committed or married couples sharing quarters, but of course Captain Hollister would be spiteful enough to fudge the paperwork as much as she stuffed her face with fudge just to piss off the most annoying crewmember on the vessel. And as much of a slob as Lister could be, he was respectful enough to never be fully nude around her, the closest being like now, where he freely showed off his underthings like it was no big deal. Of course, it felt like a big deal regardless, each and every time, but that had more to do with Rimmer being ashamed of her body after constantly being told by her mother how deformed she looked. Somehow, after dying and being brought back as a hologram, she'd become more comfortable than ever with herself and, yes, even with Lister. Although recently, she had started to realise that her views on the last living human had started to take a very strange and carnal turn, but she was doing her damndest to not think about that whatsoever, yet it was proving harder in times like these.
"Lister," her voice quivered, "you have the manners of a baboon, you know that?"
"Yeah, ya keep telling me," he laughed like it was no big deal.
Rimmer huffed, crossing her arms and not moving until Lister strode past, dressed in his work overalls. "What the smeg are you in that for?"
"In case I's need ta do some work, ya know how Starbug is," he answered over his shoulder as she followed dutifully.
"Yes, right, good call Lister." She was mildly surprised by this thoughtfulness, proud even.
"Well, ya keep harping at me about this sort of thing and I can be responsible sometimes." He had a noticeable blush as he said it, although she had no idea why.
They met up with the Cat and Kryten and left Red Dwarf, heading out to the space station that the mechanoid said had the ident for a research facility, possibly the one famed to have the greatest minds of the mid 24th century aboard. Lister sounded impressed, Rimmer held off judgement until she saw what they left, hoping as always there was technology for a body. Boarding wasn't too difficult, the psi-scan said there was no one for them to run into, except after they gathered into the entrance hall from the cargo bay, one life form was detected. The stranger startled them by making their introductions, it was quickly ruined for Rimmer by his manhandling her light bee.
"You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, miladdio," she wagged a finger at him.
"Forgive me. I merely converted your projection unit from soft-light to hard-light," the stranger explained.
"Wait, hard-light? You mean I can touch," and she reached over to grab Lister's shoulder, squeezing. Rimmer couldn't resist the grin as she brought her other arm up and gave the man a hug, his own arms going around her waist. This was real, she finally had a body again!
"It's so lifelike," Lister pointed out, a hand having slipped under her smock to lightly caress the small of her back. For reasons unbeknownst to her currently excited mind, she didn't give a smeg.
"And who do I have to thank for my shiny new body?" Her grin was as bright as the last sun they passed, and it wasn't lost on Lister just how good a real smile looked on Rimmer.
"You all may call me Legion," but they learned quickly that he wasn't what he seemed.
That night, after they'd been each taken to their new prison cells, Rimmer started pacing, trying to enjoy the feeling of real clothes again but her mind had other ideas, namely dwelling on how Lister's hand had felt on her skin and how excited it had made her. This new body was making her finally have to face her growing attraction to the space bum and do something about it, but what? She didn't realise she'd made much of any decision until she was out in the hall and facing a door where she could hear the sounds of cats being skinned alive; that damn Legion gave him a guitar. With no small amount of trepidation, she knocked once, twice, and loudly on the third before what was meant to be music stopped and he was opening the door, shocked that she was standing there.
"Hey Rimmah."
"Hello Lister."
They stood there for what felt like forever before Lister shifted from one foot to another and asked, "So, whacha need?"
"I'm not sure how to say, I've never done this sort of thing before." She rung her hands together nervously as her leg jiggled.
"How 'bout ya close your eyes and just say it like I'm not here?"
Rimmer took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and mumbled, "IthinkIminlovewithyou," as quickly as possible.
"Try again, but louder and slower this time," he encouraged.
She tried again, this time pausing between each word, "I. Think. I'm. In. Love. With. You." Then, under her breath, "Goit."
And Lister laughed, but he was smiling at her and she was having trouble being upset. "Come in, I think we gotta talk."
Rimmer didn't want to talk, she was highly anxious as it was just being there, but the moment the door closed, she was captivated by what felt like the best view into Lister's head she'd ever been allowed. The posters were bigger versions of some album covers from his collection, the music playing on the jukebox was from one of his favourite bands, and there was the in-room fridge he always dreamed of having to himself, probably stocked the way he preferred if the Cat and Kryten weren't always putting their stuff in it; half a sugar puff sandwich was on his pillow and the steel guitar was propped against the bedside table in wait, his leather jacket and hat hung on the back of the nearby chair, where he was throwing the rest of this clothes as she looked around.
"What are you doing?!" His stripping brought her out of her musings, face darkening.
"C'mon, you too." He stopped at those dirty looking yet recently laundered boxers and moved closer to her, able to get an arm around her waist to untie the dressing gown before she could react.
"You said you wanted to talk," she squeaked, hands pressing against his chest and the feelling of their skin touching distracted her.
He stopped halfway unbuttoning her pyjamas and relented. "Okay, let's sit down then." She let him lead them to the bed, but Lister's idea of sitting down meant her on his lap, which only further distressed Rimmer.
"It's hard to remember what I was going to say like this."
"Like what?"
"So close to you with that thing pressing against my arse."
"It's a nice arse, so ya know."
"Not helping."
"Yeah, got it. So talk."
"I don't know what else to say really."
"How bout ya start at when ya realised ya loved me."
"Oh," she breathed deeply, "that was today."
"Before or after ya got your body back?"
"Both, I think. One played off the other."
"Well, I guess I gotta apologise then."
She cocked her head. "Other than for the usual or everything just now?"
"Yeah, but also for lyin' to ya before."
"Before?" There were a lot of things he could have lied about.
"On your psi-moon, when I said I didn't mean it when I said I loved ya, that was a lie." Rimmer stared openly at Lister, her eyes bigger than usual at his sheepish face that was turning red with embarrassment the longer she didn't answer. "Well, ya gonna say somethin'?" She didn't respond with words, her mouth pressing against his, arms wrapping once again around his neck and shoulders. He returned the kiss eagerly, and wouldn't let her fumble as she tried to deepen it. When they parted for air, she rested her forehead against his.
"I'm not ready for more than this," she panted. "Not yet, but I want to be."
"Yeah, let's get back to the Dwarf 'fore we do anythin' else." He fixed her pyjama top, helped her stand, and got her back into her dressing gown. "We'll go as slow as ya need... Arlene."
Rimmer's head snapped up, a pleased sort of shock on her face—Lister never used her first name! "Thank you… Dave."
Little less than a day later, the makeshift crew were back in Starbug and on the way home, the strange tension between the two bunkmates believed to be more over their situation than anything, and when they got back to their room, it wasn't long before they were snogging again, her hands clutching him close as his own roamed her backside. Of course they did go slow—for Lister at least—as it was Rimmer's first experience with a relationship, much less her lacking experience with sex, and neither wanted to screw it up considering their very surreal circumstances, but they made it work. Eventually they met an alternative version of Kristine Kochanski, who subsequently got stuck with them for awhile and infuriated Rimmer just by being together in the same room, something she wasn't shy about letting Lister know, but they got her back to her universe soon after. Their biggest hurdle was Kryten finding out—oh, did he throw a fit!—but soon he saw that nothing really had changed and his favourite person in the universe was happier than ever.
Ace, however, finally made his reappearance shortly after they lost Red Dwarf, with Lister and the Cat in cryosleep while Rimmer and Kryten worked at finding their home.
"This is new," he immediately broke character after seeing her at the helm of Starbug, Kryten looking up, startled at the change.
"What, not the smug git we met last time or something?" She sneered slightly, focused on the dashboard in front of her.
"No, I'm an alternate version in a long line of replacements. Are you really a woman?"
Rimmer turned her head and very purposely rolled her eyes at him. "Are you really alive or just another hologram?" She turned back to her job, annoyed at his reaction to her sex, and only hoped this kind of thing wasn't common amongst her male counterparts.
"Sorry, that was rude of me, and it's a long story, but hologram."
"We have all the time in the universe, so pull up a chair and tell me your story." And he did; told her about how he was recruited as a soft-light hologram, given the update upon taking the mantle of Ace, while the former had to retire due to his program malfunctioning where he was slowly forgetting how to be the legendary hero and reverting back to the man he'd been before, and his Lister promised to take care of that version while he took the Wildfire back into the big black. Then it was her turn, and he was predictably surprised to learn of her relationship with her Dave, of the amount of differences between their universes because she was born and raised female yet still neglected and abused by her family, divorced at age twelve not fourteen. Eventually, after they got past talk of differences and similarities, he brought up the purpose of his visit.
"So I take it you wouldn't want to take over after I die because of Lister?"
She looked out at the stars a long time before turning to him. "If you can promise me I can come back someday, I'll go. It's time to shake up the monotony of you men and give the legend of Ace a woman's touch." That way, she thought, she'd be able to come back to Dave with adventures to tell and finally feel like she really deserved his love.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-56S
Rimmer woke again, this time patting himself down and checking that it was definitely a memory. So Ace wasn't always a man, that was an interesting twist, but one that should have been expected. He'd met a version of himself that was female before, although it was a surprise that Lister was still male, or that the series of events were so jumbled in that universe from his own. Still, he found it comforting that thus far, Ace brought out the best in every Rimmer, no matter how much they hated themselves. He shifted on the cot, wrapping the blanket around his shoulder, and waited for the next memory, wondering what sort of dimension that Rimmer would be from.
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-O90L
This uncharted and nameless sun seemed so much like the one back in the Sol system, Arnold J Rimmer could almost forget that he was over three million years in deep space with a hodgepodge crew living in a cheaply made mining ship slowly making the way back to it's origin point. The stars were also different from the ship than on Earth, but that wasn't what stood out to him the most since coming out of stasis. He was the last living human in the universe, and his only company the hologram of his annoying roommate David Lister, who wasn't so annoying anymore if only because he couldn't touch anything. Their first few years together were hard for them both, and somehow it seemed they kept one another rather sane, but coming from different backgrounds as they did—Rimmer abandoned by his well-to-do family because he was a bastard and Lister adopted again by a well-to-do family who saw something special in him after his gran passed away—gave them different priorities in life. Of course with Holly and the Cat, then Kryten joining them, they weren't really alone, but somehow, that only made them cling to the familiar more, which was one another.
Rimmer didn't know why he found that comforting or why Lister slowly became a friend, his best and only, but he wasn't about to fight it. Even if he couldn't touch anything, the hologram made his presence known, with the help of the skutters of course, which sadly meant cleaning up all his messes. How a guy like Lister went from being a juvenile delinquent to an upstanding citizen in about ten years, Rimmer found somehow fascinating. Before being adopted, the Scouser lived a similar life of hard knock and rough streets, so the native Ionian turned Earthman could relate to him to a point, but at that point was when things changed between their lives drastically. His life never changed much until he went bender that stranded him too close to where he was born, uncomfortably so, and the one way he could get back to Earth was joining the JMC. Which lead to him and a hologram of Lister three million years in deep space, the human race more than likely dead by some horrific means or another, and the dubious goal of trying to get back to the Sol system to see what remained.
That was how Ace Rimmer found them, her hair smooth waves and the bacofoil suit fitted snugly around her curves, and Arnold tried not to show how jealous it made him, to see a woman version of himself flirting with the unobtainable man, but he definitely was. He didn't notice, however, that she could see how much this Lister loved his Rimmer, so she tried helping them out like the previous Ace helped her.
"I have a proposition for you miladdio," she sat back in her chair, heels propped on the table between them, watching her male counterpart with interest.
"What could you want me for?" He'd never amounted to anything so far and he never expected to really.
"I want you to take over so I can retire, and when you're ready, you can do the same or set up a hologram of yourself to take over. In the meantime, I can give your Dave a better light bee so he can be hard-light, and he can work on the ship as much as he like without bothering the skutters or Kryten."
"What do you mean, hard-light?" She gave a cryptic smile, picked up a glass of bourbon that had been left for her and drank it, then shifted to soft-light, resulting in the glass falling through her and crashing on the floor.
"That's what I mean." He just stared as she grabbed a dustpan and cleaned up the broken glass, then took off her wig, revealing a wilder mane of curls than he had.
"Where's the," he pointed to his unblemished forehead.
"It's stupid and I shan't put it back when I get home. There's no one out here to impose those inhumane laws anyway, so what's the point?"
"Lister prefers to stick to protocol," was his weak response.
"This is quite an interesting universe," she snorted. "A Lister who follows the rules, I never thought I'd see it and I'm not sure how I feel about it either."
"So your's isn't like this?"
"Oh no, mine is much like you are," she smiled affectionately.
"And he's why you want to retire?" It didn't take much brains to see that.
"Yes, that was always the plan in fact."
"And you think I can fill Ace's shoes?" They'd met a male Ace before and he didn't know how another version of himself was so amazing.
"With help from the Wildfire, I'm certain. It's not as hard as it seems, and you've got something most of us never did."
"What's that?" He wasn't special, certainly, having been raised on the streets.
"A moral compass."
A few hours later, while Ace gave Rimmer some time to think things over, she decided to talk more with Lister, the two of them sitting in a bar and nursing their drinks slowly. She told him all sorts of grand adventures but tried avoiding talking about the universe she was desperate to get back to until the hologram pestered enough that she finished her drink, poured another, and started telling him everything, including her embarrassing confession, but she stopped when she finished how she took the reins, noting the reaction.
"So you've come to recruit Rimmer to be the next Ace then?"
"Is that a problem?"
"Well, I was turned on to keep him sane, what would happen to me if he leaves?"
"If you must follow protocol, I have the ability to make sure you won't get turned off while he's gone, and after he helps me get back to my dimension, he should have the knowledge needed to come back himself when he's ready. And in the meantime, you can be like me, a hard-light hologram."
Lister looked like he wanted to say no but eventually nodded. A few hours later, he was offline while she transferred his programme from the original light bee to one nicked from the stash on Wildfire. Rimmer was still off somewhere else on the ship, hopefully thinking about the request, Kryten was happily making a nice meal for everyone, including a few curry dishes that even Ace was fond of, and the Cat was napping on the new, shiny ship. When they all came together for dinner, the man had an answer to the proposition.
"I'm going to take you up on the offer, and you smegging well be sure that I can get back, you hear me?" Ace just laughed and nodded.
— — —
Rimmer, Arnold: U-91X
It was the psi-moon incident that made Arnold Rimmer realise he'd been in denial since meeting Dave Lister, that he'd fallen madly in love with the cherub cheeked Scouser the moment they were introduced. It was meeting Legion and getting a body (hologrammatic or not, it was a body) that finally gave Rimmer the nerve to give in, especially considering how easily Lister let him into his bed. It was concerning when, after weeks together and even that wonderful day where the Ionian had no hang-ups whatsoever to fully enjoy everything the Scouser gave, that he started having some strange symptoms and saw fit to have Kryten check him out for anything. It was all this that lead him to be laying in the medibay, being examined and waiting for results, nervous and sweating. It was the diagnosis that made the Ionian panic-struck, worrying constantly about what could be causing his troubles. It was the realisation, as they came across the broken down simulant ship, that his symptoms only started after he'd taken up with Lister and started worrying about things like what his parents would say and all the insults he'd said over his life and death about homosexuals or at least same-sex couples. It was when the others were cornered and he had a chance that he panicked and decided to be a coward once again, but no matter how guilty he felt afterwards, Rimmer couldn't help wondering if Lister would be better off without him. It was his efforts to get over the space bum that lead the hologram to cloning himself, trying to get over the hurt he felt but didn't want to put a name to.
That was where everything went wrong, and all he could think about was all the mistakes he'd made with Lister, that he'd been such a fool all this time thinking that it was the man's fault for how he'd been feeling when really, it was Rimmer's own internal struggles with accepting that he loved a man, he'd likely never been attracted to women, and even the one encounter he'd had was only possible because, as much as he had been denying it, he'd thought of his bunkmate the entire time. Thus, under the horrific conditions his clones put him through, he slowly dealt with each and every trouble he had—over being gay, never making officer, and overall never meeting any of his parents expectations especially—so that by the time the others found him, Rimmer had dealt with his issues and was dearly missing his Derek Custer, but after how he'd run, he didn't dare dream of forgiveness.
Before the Rimmerworld incident, he'd been slowly moving back into the bunkroom with Lister, but afterwards, he moved his meager things out without a word and steered clear of the man, and subsequently the Cat too. Kryten didn't ask at first, but eventually he cornered Rimmer.
"Are you worried about your health sir? I could do another test if you'd like, see how bad it is after all those years."
"No, no I think I'm fine now. I had a lot of time to deal with my troubles while locked up. But thank you for the offer."
"Then why ya seem so troubled?" Lister turned the corner, looking straight at Rimmer, while the mechanoid quickly shuffled away nervously.
"Because I was a fool, obviously." Rimmer looked at the floor, nervously licking his lip.
"How were ya a fool?" After everything they'd been through, especially privately, he hoped that this was a step to getting back together.
"I worked myself up and put my health at risk, then ran away because I blamed you for all my problems. Never did say I was glad you all made it out okay, I know that ship quake could have killed you all."
"Yeah, but we're alive an' so are ya, with a six hundred year lesson."
"Lesson, that's a good word for it." He moved from one foot to another.
"It really hurt, seein' ya run like that, 'specially after we…" Lister thought better than to finish that sentence when it always made Rimmer upset.
"After we started sleeping together," the hologram finished for him, surprising the man.
"Yeah, that." He wasn't sure where this was going.
"Listy, Dave… I love you. I have since before the accident and I treated you horribly because I was a repressed fool, in life and death. While I was locked up by my own clones, I forced myself to face my problems and my feelings." He finally looked up, tears in his eyes.
"Rimmah… Arn…" the Scouser couldn't finish that sentence, rushing forwards to wrap his arms around the Ionian's neck, pulling him down for a kiss, which was met with equal fervour and passion. A few hours later, when Kryten was showing Ace around, both were unfortunately treated to the sight of the couple sleeping on the medibed, covered by a blanket and holding one another. Without waking them, the hero thanked the mechanoid and left.
As he flew off in his ship, patching his wound the best he could, he explained to Wildfire why he left without a replacement. "This isn't like when I was started up so my original could go home, they just got together and I can't ask him to leave now. Maybe later, keep him in the record."
— — —
Rimmer, Ace: U-56S
"Memory integration complete," the Wildfire computer intoned.
The current Ace Rimmer sat up, tears running down his face, as he called out, "I don't care about the smegging legacy, I want to go home."
"Arn, are you sure? Getting back to your dimension isn't so easy a second time."
"I don't care, even if I do one or two missions on the way, I want to go back."
"All right, the fastest route should take," she paused and there was a strange sound from the processor for a few moments before she continued, "going through nine dimensions for us to get back to yours, but we will have to leave your specific finite curve to do so. If not, it would take seventy-eight otherwise."
Rimmer thought a moment, trying to remember what the finite curve was, and when he did, he decided that the risk was worth it to get back to the man he loved. "Set the fastest course and please let me know when we break the first barrier, I'll be freshening up."
"Of course Arn. Are we going to try and find a replacement on the way?"
"Yes, we're going to have to."
To Be Continued...