What is it that makes Parker so irresistible to Buffy? Could it be a magical crab? A Crossover between the movie "Simply Irresistible" and Season 4 Buffy. Set after "Fear, Itself"
Disclaimer : Simply Irresistible was written by Judith Roberts. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was created by Joss Whedon. All rights reserved by them.
Strangely Irresistible by M. O'Ribund
"Ah, there you are, Willow. Did Buffy tell you why she wanted to meet us here?" Giles had just arrived at the lobby of Stevenson Hall. Willow was sitting in one of the comfy chairs.
"Sorry, Giles, I don't know any more than you. Whatever it is, remember to be extra nice and supportive. She's been feeling kinda down lately, what with the whole Parker thing."
"Yes, of course. We must all do our best to ... oh, there she is. Hello Buffy."
"Hi Guys." Buffy looked around the crowded lobby. "I don't think we should talk here. Follow me." She walked toward one of the doors. Giles and Willow followed her outside. "This way," she pointed. The threesome started along a path.
"So, what's the big secret that nobody can overhear, mystery-girl?"
"Oh, nothing like that, Will. It's just that, well, I need you guys to help me do something - something that could - be considered wrong - if overheard by a stranger - who didn't know all the circumstances. You see, I need you to help me break into Parker's room "
"Buffy, that's completely - "Willow's glare interrupted Giles. "um, completely dependent on the circumstances - which are?"
"It's like this. I can't find a very important earring that I, well, borrowed from Mom. Huge sentimental value. I'm sure I left it in Parker's room."
"Surely you can just ask - "
"No, Giles, I - I just can't. I'd - Look, it'll just take a couple of minutes. You're, like, expert lockpick guy and Willow can be lookout."
"This is -," Willow gave him an even stronger look from behind Buffy. "Oh, very well."
"Great. We're almost there. Kresge Hall is just around the corner."
"What, you mean break in now!?" Giles came to a stop.
"Shhh, someone will hear you. Of course 'now'. Parker has class starting 5 minutes ago. Come on." Buffy strode around the corner, then Willow. After some hesitation, Giles followed.
-
"Here we are. Parker's room. Giles, you crouch and make like Remington Steele. Willow, we should stand in front of Giles for cover."
"Y'know, Buffy, I'm sorta having doubts about this. Maybe we should stop and really think about this. We haven't really done anything wrong until we go through the door."
"Willow, don't get cold feet now. How's it going there, Giles?"
"Almost - I've got it." The door opened. Buffy pushed Willow in ahead of her, entered, and dragged Giles in behind her, then closed the door.
"Boy, Parker sure is messy. Look - he left his coffee maker on." Willow reached over and turned it off.
Buffy put her hand on Willow's shoulder. "No, Willow, we have to leave everything exactly as we found it. He can't know we were here."
Willow turned the coffee maker back on. "Good point. Ok, let's start looking. I'll check under the bed."
"Ok, Will, I'll check his desk, and Giles, you - "
"Buffy, I think I see it. Aaah" Willow screamed and jumped back. "There's a crab under here - a live crab."
"Ewww." Buffy took a step backwards.
"Let me see." Giles bent down and looked under the bed. "Good Lord!" He stood up. "I believe that is a Mandashell Crab. This may be the source of your trouble with Parker."
"Giles, that's ridiculous - a, a CRAB influencing people's love lives?"
"I know it's hard to believe, Buffy, but these have been documented several times. They result from the earth-bound spirit of a recently dead mother or father desperate to keep controlling the life of its child. It has the power to make its child supernaturally attractive to people it chooses."
"Giles, are you saying that that crab is the reason Buffy has been so obsessive about -"
"Willow!" daggers shot from Buffy's eyes.
"Well, you know, Buffy, you have been kinda not yourself lately, and maybe there's a reason all my best-friend heart-to-heart talks haven't been working and, um, guys, why is the floor getting all smoky." Thick white gas was flowing out from under the bed, covering the floor about an inch deep.
"I forgot, that's one of its other powers," Giles exclaimed. "It can defend itself by creating a protective layer of fog."
"Ow, something bit my foot." Willow jumped on the bed, catching her elbow on a poster and tearing it. "Oops, sorry."
"Oh, maybe we can fix it with some tape, or - enough talk, Giles let's get rid of it. I think I see it" Buffy lifted her foot and gave a quick side-stomp. "Damn, I missed it." She stamped her foot again.
Giles joined her and started stamping at any sign of movement. "Over here, Buffy, I think I have it trapped under my foot." Buffy stepped towards him, stake in hand. Giles pointed, "It's just to the right of my left foot, don't miss, ohhh." Giles had risen about a foot off the floor and kept rising. "I forgot, they have the power of levitation." He had now reached the ceiling.
"Now you tell me. Gonna need you to be 'strong Willow' now, Will." Buffy said while she tried to break up the fog with her hands.
"O-OK" Willow took a step off the bed. "It's under my foot - get it Buffy! Ohhh" Willow began to rise, eventually touching the ceiling near Giles.
"There! I finally have a clear look at it." Buffy lifted her stake and brought it down firmly on the center of the crab's back - where it splintered and broke apart. "Also protected by a thick shell. Giles, what am I supposed to do with this stupid crab? Wait, I know what to do with a crab."
With a blurred movement, Buffy reached down and grabbed the crab by the edges, took two steps, and dropped it in the boiling coffee. It emitted high-pitched squeals and struggled furiously, sending coffee onto the carpet, the bed, and papers on the desk. After about 10 seconds it stopped. Instantly, Willow and Giles fell from the ceiling. Giles onto the desk, knocking books, a spider plant, and a lamp onto the floor. Willow onto the bureau, which tipped over slowly, the top drawers sliding out and sending clothes onto the floor.
"Oh wow, I feel so - I haven't felt this good for weeks!" Buffy had her arms stretched out and was bouncing lightly on her toes.
"Uh, Buffy," Willow was lying on her side. Only her head and right arm were visible above the fog and strewn clothes. Her hand was pointed to a spot above Buffy's right shoulder.
"What?" Buffy turned her head. "Parker! I thought you ..."