Katie
by:muaaimoi
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summary: Katie was a real girl once upon a time. The problem was, Katie was weak. She couldn't last.
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Before Wade was Unique, before she found the strength to be herself, before she could be open about who she was, she was Katie.
She was Katie when she would sneak her mothers lipstick into the bathroom and paint her lips rouge. She was Katie when she pulled out the barbie she'd stolen from her cousin late at night and played with her under the covers. She was Katie when she painted her toenails with pink polish but wouldn't risk doing her finger tips.
She was Katie when she tried to tell her parents she wasn't a he and couldn't get the words out.
She was Katie when kids at school called her gay and she said she was a straight boy.
She was Katie everyday she was too scared to be a she.
The thing was, Wade didn't exist. Wade was a name given to a little boy her parent's thought they'd brought into the world. Wade was who the world had expected her to be before she was even born. Wade was the wrong idea people got when they looked at the body she inhabited. The wrong body she inhabited.
Wade was a boys name. More importantly, Wade was a boy.
She had never been Wade. It had just been the name she'd been taught to answer to.
Katie was the first name she had given herself. Katie, after her aunt Katherine, with her animal print scarves, seven inch heels, and fabulous fashion filled life. Unique had wanted to be her. Her aunt had been her hero. Four years old and knowing no one more feminine, she'd given herself a new name. She'd asked every one to call her Katie, just different enough from aunt Kate to be herself, but close enough that everyone would know who she would grow up to be like.
At first, everyone laughed. Her aunt was flattered, and her parents thought the whole thing was a new phase. A few weeks later when she was still insisting on her new name, no one was laughing. Her parents sat her down and had a long talk about her grandfather, who they'd named her after, and why she should be proud of her name. When that didn't work, they told her it was a girls name, and little boys weren't called Katie.
She may have been too young to understand what she'd been asking for, but she remembered her parents faces, clear as day. The confusion, the disappointment. The way the sadness settled in her chest when she insisted that she was a girl, not a boy and they told her, very firmly that she was a boy. Whether she wanted to be or not.
That that's how she'd been born and that she should embrace the body God gave her. She'd told them they were wrong.
And gotten herself grounded. She wasn't allowed to ask to be called Katie anymore. That's when she'd first started to be afraid. When it first occurred to her that it might not be right to want to be a girl after all.
Over the years, her family and her peers re-enforced the idea. Her parents told her that they loved him, and would accept him no matter what. Her cousins would ask her if she'd come out of the closet to her face. Everyone thought she was gay, it was this huge open secret to everyone. The giant elephant in every room she ever walked into. They still picked on her for it, but at least it was something they understood. They'd had no idea what kind of a freak she really was.
Then there was Brian. He was a year older than her and she'd gone to Carmel High to be in the same school as him. He'd been her best friend. Ever since seventh grade when they both got pelted with pee balloons for being the school fags.
Brian who'd always been there for her. Brian who read Vouge with her. Brian who loved her voice and was always quick to hug her or kiss her on the cheek. Brian who was gay and thought she was too. Brian who had been so brave when he asked her out.
He'd been the first person she'd tried to talk to about who she really was. When she'd turned him down, she'd tried so hard to say it. To explain that there was nothing wrong with him. That he was perfect, that it was just that he was gay and she wasn't a boy.
When she couldn't even tell him her real name, she knew she had to change. That she had to be different. Braver. Vocal Adrenalin coming down on her to be a cog in their machine was the last straw. She'd put Katie to rest. She set out to McKinley the next day.
She would be herself. She would be Unique. And Unique was so much stronger than Katie could ever be.
Katie was so weak.
Katie had hid for an entire decade.
Katie had pretended to be Wade for years because it was easier. Because it was safe.
Katie had lied and told her aunt Kate she really was gay once, just to test the waters. Her aunt had hugged her and told her it was okay. That she'd been born a certain way and that it would all be okay. Katie had cried, hope blooming in her chest that she might really have someone on her side. For a while she'd had someone to talk about boys and dresses with. She'd never had the nerve to even breach the topic of transgender people with her.
And then she'd come out as Unique and her aunt refused to speak to her. As Unique almost everyone refused to speak to her, and that was preferable to the people who just wouldn't shut up. Freak, abomination, wrong thing, and those where only the things Unique could bring herself to repeat. There was so much hate out there.
All because she'd been born a he instead of a she.
There weren't words for how much that hurt. That living a lie and being gay as Wade was okay, but being true to herself and a straight girl was too much. That it was wrong to want to change the body she was born in. That wanting to be a girl meant God had made a mistake, and most of her family wasn't having it.
Brian couldn't even look at her.
She'd been so lonely. Even with Marley, the rest of new directions, and her parents, she just felt so alone. All the time. All the support from the people online, all the love people promised they had for her never felt like much when her life was too busy being hell everyday.
Sometimes, she closed her eyes, and she wished it was all a dream. That she had never worked up the nerve to be herself and hadn't ended up thrown into high school hell. It had been bad enough when everyone just thought she was Gay. Now? It was so much worse. And no one got it. People on line were nice and all, but there wasn't a real hand to hold. A shoulder to cry on.
Because at least while she was Katie hiding behind her Wade facade she'd had people. A boy that wanted to be with her, a family that loved her, a whole school that knew she was different but respected her talent.
As Unique all she had were her parents and Glee club. And not even all of Glee club. Or even most of it. All she really had was Marley. Marley who was so sweet, and such a good friend. So lucky and so busy with Jake. She barely had time for Unique.
She'd felt so alone.
That was her only excuse. That was the only thing she had thought about when she'd pulled out the picture of that blonde girl and created a profile. Katie had always been a coward. It was easy to hide behind a screen and connect with the cute guy she was sort of crushing on.
Given the option Katie would have happily kept who she was to herself indefinitely. It had been the part of her that was brave, the part that believed that the risks where worth the rewards that wanted to come forward. The part of her that was Unique wanted to talk to Rider face to face, that daydreamed about holding his hand walking down the hall. And kissing him goodbye after dates.
That was the part of her that got butterfly's when she saw how intense Rider was about finding her.
The part that felt sick with fear? That was all Katie. And then Rider had thrown his fit and there wasn't anymore hiding to be done. Her heart hurt so bad. She really wished Rider had just hit her. She'd been so wrong. So weak.
She finally realized that she'd gone back to being Katie.
And that was it, Unique couldn't do this to herself anymore.
Katie's weakness had cost her for the last time.
Eventually, everything would be okay, Unique was strong enough to handle it. But she wouldn't be Katie anymore. What she'd done to Rider was the last straw. She would never be Katie, never again.
She was strong now. She had no choice. She was Unique. She was the Diva that was strong enough to be the poster child for every kid that was different.
Katie? Katie was dead.
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Okay so as a kid I basically lived in the library after school. It was my personal mission to read every interesting book in the YA section (One I accomplished.). And one of them was called Luna, I don't remember the author, but it was basically about this girl and her transgender brother. You know how somethings just stay with you? Luna's story was one of those things. And I remembered how before she was Luna, she'd called herself something else. Some other L-something name and said that that girl couldn't last because she wasn't strong enough.
I personally don't know much about the transgender community. I'm bisexual and all, but I'm not social enough to have really made friends in the LGBT community. Don't get me wrong, I'm supportive and everything, I just don't really put myself out there, so my social circle is about 98 percent straight people. I'm not trying to offend anybody, so if this horribly wrong and shit, and as a transgender individual you want to call me out on my bullshit, please let me know, I'm pretty ignorant about all this, so I'm claiming innocence, I'd be totally happy to learn though.
This was just an interesting idea to explore with Unique and how she might have felt being Katie.
Also, I was listening to Real Slim Shady by Eminem when I wrote this. I have no idea why I felt the need to let you guys know...But there you go. Please tell me what you think?