Learning is Fundamental - A Yappy Obi story
(For any past fans of my Yappy Obi stories who may still be around, here is a new adventure. 13 year old Obi-Wan aka Yappy Obi is at it again as Qui-Gon tests him on the names of the Jedi Council)
Obi: Okay, I'm ready, Master.
Qui: This is serious, Obi-Wan. You must know the Council members by sight and name. They don't just sit in the chambers all day long. They do move about the temple and when you see them, it is proper to bow and address them by title and name.
Obi: I understand. I've been studying. I can do this, Master. Test me.
Qui: Okay, first holo. This Council member looks like…
Obi: The elephant man.
Qui: What?
Obi: He looks like the elephant man.
Qui: I asked you who he was.
Obi: No, you asked me what he looked like.
Qui: Who he looks like.
Obi: The elephant man is a who and a what. That's who and what he looks like. Next?
Qui: No, not next. This man is not the elephant man. What is an elephant man? Okay, let's begin again. The person in this holo is who?
Obi: I can't tell. He has the dark breathing mask on his face. Oh wait…Darth Vader! But wait…it can't be him. He doesn't kill me in the girlie fight until I'm an old sad hermit from the desert. No, never mind. It's not him. I give up. Who is it, Master?
Qui: Okay...what?
Obi: Nothing. Nothing to see here. Move along. Next?
Qui: No, you must answer the question. Who is this man in the holo?
Obi: I don't know, Master. If it's not the elephant man and it's not Darth Vader, then I've got nothing. Please tell me.
Qui: Plo Kloon.
Obi: That's not his name.
Qui: It is.
Obi: That's made up. What parent would name their child Plo Kloon? Parents who wanted their kid to get beat up in class, that's who.
Qui: That is his name. Learn it. Remember it. Next holo. This Council member looks like…
Obi: Oh, I know this one. That is Master Siamese Twin. Got it. Next?
Qui: Wrong, but in the general area. Sort of. This is Master Saesee Tiin.
Obi: Too many vowels in that name. He looks like one of those giant sheep things with the big horns, but the horns were deflated and just hang down now. Wouldn't that be sad, Master, if that happened to you?
Qui: I don't have horns on my head.
Obi: But you have hair and it can deflate.
Qui: Moving on. Next holo. This Council member looks like…
Obi: A non-green mutated version of a man-troll.
Qui: Who is he, Obi-Wan?
Obi: But you asked me what he looked like!
Qui: Don't make me strangle you right here in the dining hall.
Obi: Why are we doing this here anyway?
Qui: Because if I did strangle you, there would be witnesses and I would be punished for it. It's a deterrent to keep me from killing you. Please tell me who this person is.
Obi: Even Piell.
Qui: Yes. Yes. That's correct. Why didn't you just say that the first time?
Obi: Because you asked me what he looked like, not who he was. We just went through this, Master. Wake up!
Qui: I will not kill the child. I will not kill the child. I will not kill the child.
Obi: Next one, Master?
Qui: I will not kill…yes, right. Here. This holo. Who is this?
Obi: The devil.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Look at him and tell me he does not look like the devil. Better yet, if you paint his head black and red and not brown like it is, he'd look just like Darth Maul. But I can't think about that right now, because it's sad and I'll miss you. Can I have a hug?
Qui: No and never mind. This is Master Eeth Koth. Next. How about the person in this holo?
Obi: That is wrong, Master. Are you trying to scare the hell out of me?
Qui: Say that again?
Obi: Sorry. I'll wash my mouth out with soap later. I mean, that thing…uh…man? In the holo? Looks like someone bred a Pekinese to a member of ZZ Top. What the hell? Damn.
Qui: I have soap right here in my pocket.
Obi: Is that's what keeps leaking down your pants?
Qui: Stop looking at my pants. Look at me.
Obi: Your pants are part of you.
Qui: No, I will not do this. Strangulation is bad. Very bad. Who is this Council person?
Obi: No idea, Master. I don't think it's actually a person either, so maybe you got played. Face all smashed in. Who breeds people like that?
Qui: Oppo Rancisis.
Obi: Bless you.
Qui: Killing is bad. Killing is bad. Okay, next holo. Tell me who this person is and do not tell me he looks like an elephant, sheep or a pekawhaeverthehellyousaid.
Obi: Oh, this guy with the green eels on his head? That's Mr. Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Don't ask me what happened to the first or second kind. I guess good math doesn't matter to some people, but he's okay with me calling him that, so don't get mad.
Qui: What do you mean he's okay with it?
Obi: I called him that one day and he laughed. Well, he snorted snot all over me and honked, but I think that was his way of laughing. Disgusting as it may be. I did take a shower in Purell after that though.
Qui: What?
Obi: Nothing. Moving on.
Qui: You need to tell me his correct name.
Obi: Well, before the Close Encounters thing, I just called him Mr. Eel Head, so I'm okay going with that answer.
Qui: Wrong. It's Master Kit Fisto.
Obi: I don't like that name.
Qui: It's not yours to like. Next holo and if you get this one incorrect, I will make you eat your braid.
Obi: Not cool, Master. And that's Yaddle of course. And Yoda. Why are there so many trolls on the Council?
Qui: Small chairs. Next holo.
Obi: Medusa! I know her like the back of my own eyelids. She's always in the Gardens with her head in the water trying to let her snakes eat the fish. They do get hungry. Can't blame them. It's not a normal snake life to be tethered to someone's head. They seem happy enough though. Next?
Qui: Her name is not Medusa. And those are not snakes on her head. That is Master Adi Gallia. You should know this. You tried to hug her yesterday after our meeting in the Chambers.
Obi: Then the snakes hissed and growled at me. Warning to the unknowing…don't hug snakes.
Qui: Perhaps I can use one of her snakes to strangle you quietly. And wait…snakes do not growl.
Obi: Uh huh. Go threaten one and then say that to my face again.
Qui: Perhaps I should just shove the soap up your nose?
Obi: Sorry, Master. Next holo. Show me.
Qui: Calm, Jinn, calm. All right. This Council member looks like…
Obi: A gazelle?
Qui: Wrong.
Obi: A lady with Zebra legs on her head?
Qui: Wrong.
Obi: Can you give me a hint?
Qui: No.
Obi: You are supposed to be training me, Master. Training means helping when I need help. You don't feel like training me today, do you?
Qui: I feel like punching you in the face.
Obi: It happens. But seriously, who is the antelope woman?
Qui: Master Shaak T.
Obi: Master T? Does she know Mister T? Does she pity the fool? Explains the hair at least.
Qui: STOP IT!
Obi: Sorry. Hug?
Qui: NO, DAMN IT! Let's just finish this. Next holo! Who the hell is the person in this holo? Tell me, now!
Obi: That's the Schnauzer guy.
Qui: WRONG!
Obi: Tell me with a straight face that he does not look like a Schnauzer.
Qui: WRONG! Tell me who it is. NOW.
Obi: Mr. Conehead?
Qui: WRONG. That is Ki-Adi-Mundi, damn it!
Obi: He has a bad word in his name and a lot of hyphens.
Qui: No! His name is not damn it, damn it. It's Ki-Adi-Mundi. Damn it.
Obi: Ki-Adi-Mundi-Damnit?
Qui: Obi-Wan, so help me…
Obi: I can help you. Here, I'll hug you.
Qui: Don't touch me. Just tell me who this person in the holo is.
Obi: Ki-Adi-Mundi-Damnit?
Qui: No, damn it!
Obi: He's not a Damn-it? Is that a family name? Master, the veins in your neck are starting to pop out. I should call Master Bren.
Bren: Hey Stretch! Hey kid! You called?
Obi: Wow.
Bren: Wow, what?
Obi: You're here. Already.
Bren: Heard your call.
Obi: I didn't call. I was going to.
Bren: I know.
Obi: You do?
Bren: Okay, I cheated. I saw you and your Sexy Beast of a master in here a while ago. Looked like he was training you, or at least making the attempt. I knew I'd be needed, so I stuck around. I was sitting behind you the whole time. You should pay attention to your surroundings, kid.
Obi: I should. You are good, Master Bren. Will you be my master? And please don't call Master Qui-Gon a Sexy Beast in front of me.
Bren: No go, kid. On both counts. I'm busy with my own life and he is too. Can I help here though?
Qui: Yes, you can. Hello, Bren. Would you mind going over these holos with him once more. He should identify them by name. I need to stand and run away screaming before I strangle my apprentice with my hair tie.
Bren: Ah, sure there, Qui-Gon. No problem. Get up and stretch your legs for a minute. I'll take care of the kid. Okay, holo one. You ready, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Ready.
Bren: I'll show the holo and you name them. I'll time you. Ready Go!
Obi: Master Plo Koon.
Bren: Next.
Obi: Master Saesee Tiin.
Bren: Next.
Obi: Master Even Piell. How can they call him Even when his face is lopsided?
Bren: Next.
Obi: Master Oppo Ranscisis. Yikes!
Qui: What is happening?
Bren: Shut up, Stretch. Obi-Wan, next.
Obi: Master Kit Fisto…of the third kind.
Bren: Next.
Obi: Master's Yaddle and Yoda. Trolls. Nasty.
Qui: This is not the same child I was just working with!
Bren: Same kid. Obi-Wan, next.
Obi: Master Adi Gallia. Free the snakes!
Bren: Next.
Obi: Master Shaak T. She pities the fools.
Bren: Next.
Obi: Master Ki-Adi-Mundi.
Qui: Damn it!
Obi: He's not a damn-it any more, remember, Master?
Bren: Next.
Obi: Master Mace. The man loves him some purple.
Bren: Last one…
Obi: Master Poofy. And now I will have nightmares.
Bren: Nice job, kid!
Qui: Excuse me, but what the hell just happened?
Obi: I learned?
Qui: No. That's not it. I give you the test and you act like you've never seen these people before. Bren gives you the test and suddenly you aren't a moron.
Obi: I'm not a moron, Master.
Qui: I see that. Now. But you were only moments ago.
Obi: The test was easier when she gave it.
Qui: It was the same test. Show a holo, name a Jedi. How hard it that?
Obi: I can't focus when the veins on your neck are getting ready to rupture. You stress me out, Master.
Qui: I stress you out? Do you know why the veins in my neck are like that?
Obi: Lack of mush?
Qui: Obi-Wan, so help me…
Obi: I learn better from people who hug me. Or even a simple pat on the back. A gentle squeeze to the neck.
Qui: I'll squeeze your neck all right. Until your head pops off and…
Bren: Okay, okay, that's enough for today. No one is squeezing anything off of anyone. We all need our body parts attached to our bodies. Qui-Gon, put your veins back in your neck.
Qui: Fine. For now.
Obi: Master, don't hate me.
Qui: I don't hate you, Obi-Wan.
Obi: I learned from your test and then I remembered for Master Bren's test. If you hadn't helped me first, I would have failed hers.
Bren: Yes. Exactly. Good point, kid. See, Stretch? You and the kid have an odd way of communicating and teaching and learning, but in some mysterious, strange way, it works. He needs you. You need him. And you both need me. So, there. Happy now?
Qui: Well, okay. I can accept that. I did teach him first after all. So, the work was mine. You just came in a looked like the hero. I'm all right with that.
Bren: Good. Now, go find a table in the dining hall. The kid and I will be along momentarily. I'm hungry.
Qui: As am I. See you in a few moments then.
Bren: Okay kid, he's out of ear shot. Did you really learn from what he taught you?
Obi: Nah.
Bren: Didn't think so.
Obi: It was fun to watch the veins pop out of his neck though,
Bren: It is fun, isn't it? Okay! Let's go eat!
END