My head pounded harder, refusing to be ignored and I couldn't think straight through the pain. I needed a moment to collect myself. "Russell, were did you put my damn painkillers. I think I left them over here."

"In the bathroom, on the cabinet, second shelf. Do you want any tea or coffee?" I stood then headed to his bathroom to grab my painkillers. I yelled a no over my shoulder as I left. I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me and took the pills then slid down against the wall, and tried hard not to cry. My head, plus the news from the doctor, and then catching Russell, was too much for me. I sobbed into my hands, bringing my knees up to my chest and crying.

I heard Russell knock gently and jiggle the door knob. "Ed, please open the door, or come back to bed or something. I love you." I gasped at his words. Did Russell just admit that he loved me? "No, Russell don't say that. Please…It'll only make it harder."

"What do you mean? Ed please come out and talk to me. Let's go to bed and we'll talk. I'll change; I'll do whatever you want. Just stop…crying." I stood and unlocked the door and he was in his blue pajama pants holding out his hand. I took it and we climbed under the covers and he held me.

"Russell, I'm dying." He squeezed me tighter, and didn't say anything. "Edward, please don't say things like that. It's not funny, okay?" I looked up at him and he had a look that was between smiling and crying.

"Russell, it's not a joke." He sat up and pushed me away from him. "I told you it wasn't funny, so stop."

I sat up and looked at him. "Russell, I'm not kidding. I'm dying. I have a genetic disease; I only have 3 months left."

He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. "I said IT ISN'T FUNNY!" He was crying freely now and he grabbed me, hugged me, and kissed me like I was going to disappear if he stopped. I kissed him back and gently rubbed his back. "Why? Edward why is this happening to you, you of all people? You're so fucking beautiful, you don't deserve to die. I love you, I finally said it, and now I realize I'm going to lose you?" His voice was hardly a whisper, and he was now sobbing against my shoulder. My heart cracked at the sight, and I shushed him gently. "Russell, it's okay. It's going to be okay. We're going to be together until I leave, and then you'll be okay." I felt like this situation was somehow backwards. I was comforting him, and telling him he was going to be okay, when I was the one who was dying.

"It's not going to be okay, it's never going to be okay again. I need you. Ed, I'm so sorry. For everything I've ever done to you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry, that I waited until now to tell you I love you back. I'm sorry you have to die so young and so beautiful. I wish it was me. Fuck, I wish it was me."

He pushed me gently onto my back and got on top of me and kissed me gently, but I pressed into the kiss, heating it up and turning it into a passionate union. His hand trailed up and down my side and I moaned lightly. I wanted it, but I knew I wouldn't be able last through it, I was so tired.

"Maybe it takes tragedy to realize how much someone means to you. Too bad, by the time you realize it, maybe they're on their way out, or worse, gone." He trailed kisses down my jaw and kissed my neck, nipping it and leaving hickies. I pulled him back up and we kissed again his tongue invading my mouth and we fought for dominance. He collapsed next to me after clearly winning that battle, and pulled me close to him. "I love you, Ed. I'm going to tell you that every day, until… until I can't anymore."

"I love you too, Russell." And we fell asleep so close, it was like we were trying to melt into each other, wishing that we would wake up, and this all be a horrible dream.