KAREN:
I am so sick of this.
No, seriously. I am sick of it.
It hasn't even been a week since Jim told me about the feelings he used to have for Pam, and about their kiss, and about the friendship, and yadda yadda. And I haven't stopped obsessing about it ever since. And I am already sick of it.
This is ridiculous. Why does this always happen to me? Why can't I ever be the first choice for someone?
I have been in a number of failed relationships in the past. In some of them, I was more invested than the guy was, and he just got out of the way. I have been very much in love in the past, and I have had a relationship with the man that I loved, and it still didn't work out. So when I decided to take a chance with Jim, and actually move to Scranton to be close to him, I thought that the fact that I was NOT completely in love with him yet, was a good thing. It was going to keep me safe. I liked him a lot, this was fun, and I really wanted to push it and move it forward, because it seemed like something good would come from it. But I was not head over heels, passionately in love with him, not yet. So, I figured, I couldn't get my heart broken (not too badly, anyway.) He did not matter that much to me...yet. So, why am I feeling like shit now? Just because he told me about this other girl he used to love? Oh, and because I have to sit here and see her nine hours a day?
Hmmm...let's examine my own feelings. What hurts? Am I afraid of losing him, or am I just pissed at him? Does my heart hurt, or is it just my pride?
Look at her. In her stupid little cardigan and pastel-colored shirt. She is like this big hit at the office, and I honestly don't understand why. I guess they haven't had any really hot girls work here, ever, so they have to settle for Pam. I mean, she is not ugly, but she is not what I would consider HOT.
I guess it's the "sweet factor", she's got that working for her. Even when she is secretly making fun of someone, like Michael or Dwight, she still looks and sounds sweet like an angel, and guys really can't see past that. But I can. Especially now that I know that she kissed my boyfriend.
I see things in her now, all these little cutesy movements, and I convince myself that they're all aimed to try and entice Jim. I am making myself sick. She is just answering the phone and saying her neutral standard greeting, right? Or is she changing her intonation and secretly winking at Jim, trying to make herself look attractive to him? And why is he looking at her and smirking?
I could just stand and punch them in the face, both of them.
Everything Pam does and says now seems fake to me. I feel convinced that the only person she cares about in this entire workspace is Jim, and he's the only one she is ever honest with, and genuinely nice to. To the rest of us, she's putting up a smiley, fake front. But with Jim, she is honest. God, it kills me that I cannot just slap her in the face and yell at her, "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!", and tell her to stop it. I don't need anyone to humor me and pretend to be nice. And especially not this dumb little bitch.
I walk into the bathroom, and as I wash my hands, I take a look at myself in the mirror. My hair looks good, and my face looks good, and I have good eyes and good lips. Why in the world would Jim prefer her? I stop myself, thinking that technically, Jim is still my boyfriend, and that should be an indication that he prefers me...But it doesn't seem to convince me. In my head, the moment Jim admitted that he had feelings for Pam, was the moment when she won him and I lost him, and it's only a matter of time until he realizes that and it's all out in the open.
He's going to leave me for her, or I am going to break up with him AND push him towards her. I've already given up in this stupid relationship. What is the point?
I fix my bangs and I wonder if my suit fits me as good as I thought it did. In my own eyes, I look pretty hot. But even when Kevin and the other guys talk about the girls in the office, it seems to be a pretty hard choice between Pam and me. Is it because she wears skirts and I wear pants? I thought I still looked pretty feminine. Even more, I think it's sexy in a woman to be in masculine clothes. There is something about the contrast of male/female, something about the dark, severe lines of a pant-suit dressing the curves of a girl...In other words, I always thought I looked good. Better than the cardigan girl. But still, no one seems to see it that way.
As you see, I am driving myself crazy.
I don't know of any other offices that stop work in the middle of the day to drive to the Mall. This is pretty ridiculous, but apparently, because my Boss is having relationship troubles, we all have to go to the Steamtown Mall with him, as part of his "Women Appreciation" Seminar. Ah, the stupidity of this! Especially the ride up there, in Meredith's crappy van, that she has almost crashed three times in twenty minutes. I really hope we make it to the Mall alive.
We actually do, and I feel a little better. That is, until we are sitting at the Food Court talking with Michael abouit his problems with Jan. I'm not even sitting next to Pam, but I still feel her presence really strongly, and everything she says or does bothers me. I seem to thihk that Michael and Jan can work on their issues, and she seems to think that they need to break up. What are you trying to say? That there's no fixing a relationship? That the moment there is a little issue, you should just give up and find somebody else? I bet you would LOVE IT if Jim and I did exactly that, wouldn't you? It sounds like we're not even talking about Michael anymore. You mean that Jim and I should break up.
I try to stop myself AGAIN. I am going nuts.
About a half hour later, in a bizarre twist of events, we all find ourselves in a Victoria's Secret store. This is absolutely messed up, a Boss buying lingerie for his female workers. But I guess there's no shame in looking at clothes, even if I have no intention of letting Michael pay for them, right?
I'm about to walk in one of the fitting rooms with a couple of bathing suites, when something happens that stops me cold.
Pam is in one of the dressing rooms.
She hasn't realized that the door is not properly closed.I can't see her figure, but I see her reflection in the mirror through the cracked open door.
I should fix the door or say something, but I just stand there, looking. Her back is to me. She is trying on a light blue bra.
Her reddish hair falls on her shoulders and her curls move as she is undoing the bra. I really should stop looking, but I can't seem to do anything else but stare. I don't know why.
I don't know why, I want her to turn. She takes off the bra, but I still only see the back of her, and she is wearing pants. I want her to turn or at least show me the side. I want to see her breast. I want to see her naked breast.
She bends to pick up her own bra, and she angles her torso in a way that allows me, all of a sudden, to see her nipple.
There it is.
Feeling completely satisfied in my insane, sudden curiosity, I react and rush into my own dressing room, and close the door. When Pam hears movement, she realizes her door wasn't closed and she fixes that...Thankfully, I am already out of her sight. I sit down in my dressing room and I try to breathe. I have no intention of trying on any clothes now.I need to gather my thoughts and figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and since when have I become a pervert who spies on women at lingerie stores.
It's been only a day since we went to the Mall, and it's been the weirdest 24 hours ever.
I don't know if the dressing room incident completely messed me up or something, but I had a dream about Pam last night.
Me! About PAM! What the hell?
I should probably tell Jim, I think, and I smile to myself knowing that I will die before I admit something like this to him. But wait, wouldn't he find it hot, and blah blah...? Oh whatever. I'm not going to work on that angle of things for him. He cannot have us both. I am not gonna provide those mental images, either.
On the other hand, I DID have a strange dream.
There wasn't really any nudity in it, though. We were just in the same room, on twin beds, like at camp, or something. And Pam suddenly got out of her bed, and she was wearing pajamas, and she just got inside MY bed, without asking my permission. I wondered if I should fake being asleep or something, but she knew that I was awake, and I knew she knew. She just came inside my bed and pressed her body against mine, and said: " Come on...isn't this what you wanted?".
And I don't know what happened after, but I seemed to have the memory of feeling really aroused. In the dream, of course. Only in the dream?
That feeling of arousal hasn't really left me all day. It is so weird. I am typing things in my computer, apparently working hard, but my head is very far away. Even though I look like I am concentrating, I am keeping a very close watch on both Jim and Pam. I have been doing that since Jim told me he liked her...but today it's different. I still want to strangle her, but she has also acquired some new color in my head, something has shifted. I don't know.
I wonder if it is my desperate control issues, taking over. Is that what it is? I want to control everything in this world, so I am making myself be somewhat attracted to Pam, so I can be the puppet master and in case she and Jim DO get together, I can somehow control what they do and be involved as well?
Is it about power? When I saw her in the dressing room, I was dressed and she was naked. Maybe I just felt powerful because I had the shield of my clothes, and I wanted to see her in an defenseless position, nude, vulnerable. Maybe that's all this is.
Or maybe, plain and simple, I just wanted to see her boob. I was in the right place at the right time, and before I could think about what I was wishing, I just plain wanted to see her naked. Is it about vulnerability? Or is it about desire?
Am I even allowed to be remotely turned on by this?
Pam crosses in front of me, taking some papers to Michael's office. For a split second, I look at her shirt and I think: "I KNOW what's under there. I've seen it".
The thought does make me feel powerful. So, it must be about power, and not about attraction.
About an hour or so later, my brain is ready to explode. I have been staring at the computer nonstop, trying to numb myself instead of thinking dirty thoughts, and it has worked. But now I really need a break. I walk over to Jim's desk and tell him we're gonna go get coffee. He grabs his blazer and comes with me. We're making small talk, as usual, and I find some comfort in that. Maybe things aren't as weird as I am making them out to be. The last thing I see before we leave the office is Pam, staring but pretending she is not staring, from her desk. I grab Jim's arm and I glare at Pam shamelessly; everything about my actions is making a statement: He's mine, and not yours, deal with it. But when my eyes meet Pam's eyes, I feel again that blur of arousal sensations, and it's almost as if this wasn't about Jim anymore, just about Pam and me: the two of us.
It's been almost a week, and things seem to have gone back to normal. I haven't had any more dreams, I have blocked any weird thoughts, and I have decided that Pam is still a bitch, and that's all there is to the story.
On the other hand, things with Jim are still okay. There are no ups or downs, our relationship just sails through pleasantly...it is a little dull, but that's the way Jim is. Or that is the way we are together. I don't know. We haven't been intimate in a while, but that's okay with me. He hasn't said anything and I am not really feeling it these days, so we don't have a problem.
Since it's Friday, a whole bunch of us have decided to go to Poor Richard's for drinks. We're all sitting along a big table, having cheap beers and cheap wings, and it is almost kind of fun. I'm just downing the Yuenglings like there's no tomorrow, and the more I drink, the funnier that everything sounds to me. I notice Pam sneaking glances in my direction, and I wonder if she's just looking at me because I'm sitting next to Jim, or if it is because I have been ignoring her in a very obvious way for the last week, and she must be wondering what the hell is wrong with me. She even came to my desk earlier today, to bring me some photocopies, and she awkwardly asked if I was okay, if everything was okay. I pretended I didn't hear her, just took the copies and mumbled "thanks", without looking at her.
With my senses somewhat altered by the alcohol, I start to sneak glances at her as well. She's drinking and her cheeks have some color, and her eyes are sparkling, and I understand how Jim could think she is cute. Especially when she laughs in that innocent way. I could see how that is cute, yeah.
She gets up and goes to the bathroom. I am drunk, and keeping a very close eye on her. I realize that I am standing up too, and timing my movements very specifically, so I will cross paths with her when she gets out of the bathroom and I go in. Again, I don't know why I am doing this. But the beer has taken away my inhibitions, and I am just acting, not thinking. Seriously, what do I expect? That I am gonna break into her stall and see her naked again? That I'm gonna push her face against the wall, cover her taller body with mine and feel her up and down? That I'm gonna be, like in the movies, ripping her shirt open and biting her neck, and she is gonna react just right and sigh really loudly, and ask me for more?
WHY am I even having these thoughts?
Whatever the reason is, as a result of these thoughts I am completely turned on when I do cross paths with Pam. Instead of letting her exit the bathroom before I enter it, I meet her halfway under the door frame, and she has to squeeze past my body, and I feel like I just eat her with my eyes. It is a very intense look. She says "oh, I'm sorry", and initiates a coy smile, and I feel my own right hand going to her hip. I mask my movement as something I'm doing to help her get out and help me get through the door. But I leave my hand on her body longer than I need to, and again I stare into her eyes, while inside I am screaming at her: "I COULD FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW". I don't know if she notices or not. But her chest is barely touching mine, I wish I was taller so I could be more intimidating.
Within a second, she is gone and I am alone in the bathroom. And once again, something in my lower stomach, or even lower, seems to have a pulse. I can't walk around being this turned on all the time.
Later in the night, we all keep drinking and having fun. Jim and Pam are laughing about some inside joke, and I observe them with my beer in my hand. Ordinarily, I would be too busy being jealous of Pam and worrying about their chemistry together. But drunk as I am, and given my thoughts as of lately, I am just wondering what would they look like in bed together. Or what would she look like in bed. Or what would it be like to be in bed, with her.
I have never felt this way before, in my entire life. I feel like a loaded gun. How could I be this horny and not know it? And how funny is it that Pam is the one who would wake me up to it? Pam, of all people.
I start a mental list of all of her flaws. All of the little things that make her NOT perfect. Her lips are too thin. Her teeth aren't completely white and straight. She looks tired all the time, has bags under her eyes.
Even though I am listing bad things about her, I realize that I don't care. Every item in the list is actually a plus, in a messed up way: " I don't like this about you, but I still want to do you".
We all get out of the bar into the humid Summer night. People are exchanging hugs, and my head is spinning. I am standing next to Jim, who is talking to Pam, as usual, and saying something like "Good night, Beasley". They hug briefly, with only one arm. Then Pam looks at me, unsure of what to do next. I can tell she doesn't know if she should half-heartedly hug me too, or just go. So I take her hand and I say good night, while I motion towards her; she reads me perfectly, I'm gonna kiss her on the cheek, and she motions towards me as well. But I feel kind of daring, and I angle my face the perfect way so instead of getting her cheek, I get the side of her mouth. Really close to the mouth. Like, is it the side of her lips that I am feeling right now? It's warm and soft enough that it could be. But the kiss is already over.
I turn around and leave her there, because I want to leave her confused and I want to keep my mystique.
I need to go home and think about this.
PAM:
That was weird.
What did just happen?
That was so weird.
I could swear that I just was kind of kissed by KAREN!
What? We were saying good night, and we were gonna kiss on the cheek, but I must have turned my head or something, and I think she accidentally got my lips. I am not sure. But it...it...it's like it erased EVERYTHING else around me. It felt like a wave of heat, and I forgot where I was, and who I was, and who she was...whoa! What am I even saying? Is that weird?
Well, it WAS weird! It was like there was nothing else left in the world, but that kiss.
Oh my God, this sounds so cheesy. And why am I even thinking this? Karen is a GIRL!
A girl.
But it still felt like everything else didn't exist. I think I'm just drunk. Maybe I have been single for too long, or I just miss having a boyfriend. Or maybe it's because Jim was there.
Although I was not thinking of Jim during that kiss. I wasn't thinking of anything.
I cannot remember when I felt all that just with a semi-kiss. Even when I made out with Jim, it wasn't...wait, I shouldn't be thinking about that. We're friends, and he's with Karen. Period.
Karen...
Why am I feeling like my heart is racing?
I get home and I go through my usual nightly routine, but I still feel my head spinning and all these questions forming in my head. The image of Karen can't seem to get away from my brain.
Already in my sleeping clothes, I pull out my laptop. I want to see a picture of her, I figure it's like a reality check. I need to see that it's KAREN the one who is making me feel so strange, and I need to decide that is not a big deal, and move on.
I realize that I don't have any pictures of her. We're not even friends on Facebook. I type her name into the search engine and I see that she does have a profile, but it is set to private. For one second, my heart freezes and I wonder if she will be listed as "in a relationship with Jim Halpert". But she is not. Under her information, it just says "Female".
That should be enough to keep me NOT INTERESTED in her, right? It says it very clear: female.
I click on her profile picture, which is a simple polaroid in which her eyes look very green. I want to see it up closer. But since I am not friends with her, Facebook doesn't let me see the picture, just a thumbnail.
Without thinking, I request her as a friend.
KAREN:
Oh God!
She has requested me as a friend!
Like, an hour after she has seen me! SHE has requested ME!
The only possible conclusion is that she went home and was thinking about me too. Isn't it?
I walk around my apartment, not knowing what to do. I am way too awake to go to bed yet. I am excited, overwhelmed, confused, and still drunk. I cannot understand any of the things that are happening to me in the last weeks ARE happening. But the fact that Pam just requested me as a friend kind of validates my obsession, at least in my head. It means that I have made some kind of an impact on her. That is satisfying to me, because she has certainly made an impact on me too, and I would hate for that to be one-directional.
I spend the next hour or so looking at every single detail on her online profile, stalking her pictures, looking for hints of romance between her and Jim (or her and anybody else, for that matter). It is not very enlightening, but it calms down my nerves and eventually I feel like I could sleep.
It couldn't be any other way, and I have another dream about Pam.
I am laying on my bed, in the dream, and I am wearing shorts, and I feel hot under the covers. All of a sudden, I feel a tongue that starts to slide up my leg, around my calf, very slowly up my shin. I know it is Pam under the covers. She hasn't asked me if she could do that, she just happens to be there and decides to start licking my leg. I am afraid to move, because if I move she will stop. She slides down my leg and finds my foot, and I feel very clearly how she puts her mouth around my big toe and she very softly sucks on it. Then her tongue plays in between all of my toes, and I still can't move. I want to remove the bed covers and see what she is doing, but I am afraid she will vanish.
When I wake up, I am sweaty and more confused than ever. Although there is really not much more room for doubt, I am clearly having sexual desires towards Pam.