DISCLAIMER: Hetalia: Axis Powers – Hidekaz Himaruya
DISNEY SEX
DENMARK'S HOUSE
Six times a week—!"
Denmark shrugged and bit cavalierly into a sugar-cookie. "Yeah, why?"
Norway, sitting between his partner's splayed knees, lying comfortably back against his chest, failed to stifle a chuckle. Their guests gaped at the pair in jealous disbelief.
"But—how?" said Prussia incredulously, voicing what they were all thinking.
"You have five small colonies at home," England noted. "How the hell do you find the time—"
"And privacy," France interjected.
"—to have sex six times a week?"
"At least," Denmark smirked, smug.
Sweden rolled his eyes. Finland, pacing as he bounced fussing little Sealand, asked: "You have sex with your colonies in the house? In broad daylight?"
"How?" Prussia repeated fervently.
Denmark finished his cookie, and simply replied: "Disney sex."
His guests stared at he and Norway in perplexity, until Spain finally broke the befuddled silence by saying:
"Huh?"
"Is that as creepy as it sounds?" England asked.
"Do you dress-up as princesses?" Prussia teased.
"You started it," Norway said dismissively, taking another cookie out of Denmark's hand. "You explain it."
"Okay—" Denmark shifted his weight, like a businessman giving a speech to his colleagues, "—so, a few years ago Norge and I realized we weren't having sex as much as we wanted to," he said bluntly, unashamed, "and it was all because of the colonies. So, I came up with a great idea to solve the problem: Disney sex."
"Yeah..." said Spain skeptically, "we're going to need more of an explanation than that."
"Every night at seven o'clock, Dan's Disney channel airs an hour of uninterrupted cartoons," Norway said.
"The colonies love it," Denmark smiled. "We just plop them down in front of the T.V. with dessert and then go upstairs for grown-up time," he put in air-quotes.
"Oh my God," said England, still scowling dubiously. "Does that actually work?"
He glanced at France, who looked intrigued, no doubt wondering if the same distractive tactic would work on their own demanding colonies.
"Works like a charm," Denmark grinned.
"As long as you don't mind doing it to a Disney soundtrack," Norway added.
"Oh, yeah," Denmark confirmed. "It is not okay that the sound of The Little Mermaid makes me horny now."
"Gross," said Prussia with a sarcastic smile.
Spain was still looking at Denmark and Norway, as if he couldn't decide if they were idiots or geniuses, and finally said: "You guys are weird."
Denmark shrugged again. "I'm telling you," he said enticingly. He kissed Norway's cheek in proof. "Six times a week."
ENGLAND'S HOUSE
Hey! America stole my dessert!"
"You weren't eating it!"
"Yes, I was!"
"You want it back? Here—I'll give it back!"
"Gross! DAD!"
England fisted his hands in France's shirt, closed his eyes, and took a deep, calming breath.
"We could... try it, you know?"
England opened his eyes.
France ran his hands greedily down England's torso and cupped his hips, squeezed his hips. "We could try... Denmark's thing," he clarified, a bit desperate.
England was thoughtful for a moment, then, very seriously, he said: "You get the desserts, I'll get the boys."
Five minutes later, at seven-ten in the evening, England and France found themselves upstairs in England's bedroom, rushing to clumsily undress each other; touching and kissing eagerly, because neither of them fully trusted the Disney film to distract the short attention-spans of their energetic colonies.
"Oh, chéri," France kissed England's neck, his chest. He pressed his knee to England's stiff groin. "You make me feel so—"
Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
It's the Circle of Life~
"Just ignore it," France advised, feeling England tense in annoyance. "Come on, chéri, lie down and I'll—"
THUMP
"Ouch! Canada, that hurt!"
"It's your fault!"
"Give me that—"
"No, get off! It's mine! Papa gave it to me!"
"Ignore it, ignore it," France urged, covering England's mouth with his. He splayed England's legs, then lifted them up, anchoring England back as he prepared to enter. England pulled France closer, trying to bury the dramatic soundtrack in the Frenchman's proximity. He wrapped his arms firmly around France and moaned louder than usual, trying to focus on his arousal and not—
In the Circle
The Circle of Life~
"Ow—! Stop it! I hate you!"
"I hate you more!"
CRASH
"Oh, for the love of—that's it," England sat up, pushing France off. Angrily, he tugged his clothes back on and marched downstairs.
France lay on his back on the bed in concentrated frustration.
"America, Canada—front and centre now!" England's voice wafted up as the film suddenly ceased. "What did you break?"
Spitefully, France grabbed his cell-phone and made a call. The dial-tone rang a few times, before a breathless voice answered:
"This had better be good, France," Denmark panted. "What did I tell you about seven o'clock?"
"Yes, that's why I'm calling," France said through grit teeth. "It doesn't work. Your solution sucks!"
"Hey!" Denmark argued, affronted. "If it didn't work for you, it's because you didn't do it right. Disney sex always works."
France shook his head. "You've really got to stop calling it that," he advised. "It's so creepy."
"Fuck you," Denmark said in farewell and hung-up.
DENMARK'S HOUSE
What was that?" Norway asked.
Denmark tossed his cell-phone aside and looked down at flushed Norway, whom he was straddling. "France. He and England tried Disney sex; it didn't work, apparently."
Norway shrugged. "Then they did it wrong. Disney sex always works."
Denmark kissed Norway in agreement and resumed their amorous activity, while, downstairs, five colonies quietly ate their double-fudge ice cream, all captivated by the film that filled the house with an orchestra crescendo.
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea,
Wish I could be
Part of that world~
"A-Ah, Dan!~"
THE END
THANK-YOU for reading. Reviews are always welcome and appreciated :)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This one-shot is nothing but evidence of my brain on cold medication, and was inspired by a book I read by Helen Russell, an English journalist in Denmark:
"Those who aren't indulging in blue movies may still credit celluloid with giving their sex lives a boost thanks to 'Disney sex'. Every Friday, Danish children countrywide sit down to an hour of Disney cartoons at 7pm, and a lot of parents use this time to 'cultivate each other'...while the kids are entertained. Every parent I speak to tells me that 'Disney sex' is a fantastic invention (despite the dodgy name)." — Helen Russell, The Year of Living Danishly