Dr Phil at Seven Thirty Chapter 1, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Or Dr. Phil.

I'm pissed off, but that's okay, because I get pissed off a lot, at the littlest things, like Charlie leaving the toilet seat up, and how old people drive thirty miles a fucking hour just to piss you off.

But that's not just it. I actually have a reason to be pissed off and I have a reason a reason a reason.

"Bella, come downstairs and eat dinner." You know what else pisses me off? My parents. Not just some stupid teenage angst either, I mean they royally piss me off. I hate them I hate them I hate them.

"Bella. Unlock the damn door and come to dinner." But the parent that pisses me off the most is Renee because Renee is a goddamn whiny little bitch and what if I don't want to eat fucking dinner huh? What if I want to stay in here just to piss you off like you piss me off every single day? Stupid bitch. I hate her.

Instead of answering Renee (which I knew would make her angry; she hates to be ignored) I go and swing my legs outside of my open window. I'm at the second story of the house but I don't think it'd do me permanent damage to jump down. So I say a little 'hasta la vista bitchs' inside my head and jump.

I land flat on my ass. That's okay. I never claimed to be a cat. Besides, I've always had a bubble butt. Maybe this'll flatten it out. I hope so because working out sucks and I hate it. I hate it hate it hate it.

My old Chevy is in the driveway but I decide that it will bring too much attention if I turn it on because it's as loud as Renee when she has the big 'O' and I think it'd alert people down the street. So I decide to walk.

I'm not sure where I'm going but I do know it's far away from home. I never liked staying at home. Renee hates me and Charlie is. Well. Charlie's just there so I can't say anything about him but I can say it wouldn't kill him to drop the toilet seat once in awhile. Asshole.

I contemplate walking to Jasper's but decide against that. He lives halfway across town and as small as Forks is I don't have legs to walk that far and I don't feel like flashing some trucker for a ride at the moment either. So Jasper's house is out.

So instead of walking somewhere purposefully I just wander around like an idiot. That's not new, though. After the first few times doing it the neighbor's stopped notifying my parents that I was found jaywalking some few miles from their house. Sometimes I think they watch me though just to see what I'll do. Housewives are nosy.

I'm about to light a cigarette some few miles from home when something runs into my leg. I hate it when things and people run into me. Watch where you're going, dumbass. I'm about to tell the thing off when I hear it speak up.

"I'm real sorry, Miss. Daddy always tells me to watch where I'm going." I'm kind of interested now. This kid is cute. I've never really liked kids much but I think this one will be an exception. He has doe like green eyes and messy black hair. He must have good looking parents. And be new because I hadn't heard of him yet through Renee's personal grapevine.

"It's fine kid. I'm Bella." I decide to throw him a bone. He looks so hopeful even I with my black heart of despair couldn't turn away.

"Hi Miss Bella!" He perks up and suddenly I feel like I've done the wrong thing. Hyper kids are bad. "My name's Anthony Cullen!"

"Um. Hey Anthony." Then something strikes me. I understand why I'm jaywalking but this kid looks like he should be in preschool or something. I don't think he's hit that rebellious stage yet. "Where's your dad? Um, or mom?" I feel kid of stupid but some sense of morals I still seem to have won't let me leave him alone.

"Oh, Daddy's at our house." He points to the house right beside us and I feel stupid. "We just moved and I was running around 'cus Daddy says I need to work off energy. Then I ran into your knee. It's kind of bony." I raise an eyebrow but don't retort. How incredibly rude. And I thought he was a sweet kid.

"Well, you're skinny. So there." He sticks his tongue out at my words and crosses his arms defensively.

"I'd rather be skinny than fat." His voice is accusing.

"You can't be fat and have a bony knee. You've made me mad. I'm leaving." I kind of salute the midget and turn away but he tackles my knees and I wobble. What the hell?

"Sorry Miss Bella don't leave me! Daddy's talking with the mover people so I'm all alone." So am I, what a coincidence. But I take pity on him and dig a piece of paper out of my pocket. I always have paper and a pen in my pockets. I don't know why. Maybe I kept them in there for this moment alone.

"Maybe we should go out for ice cream. A date?" Jasper would kill when he heard I went on a date with a preschooler, but I had set my standards pretty low lately. I doubt he'd be that surprised.

"Oh! Yay! Let's go!" He tugs on my jacket and I grunt, waving my hand at him. Before we go I write a note on the piece of paper. I've never kidnapped a kid before but I guess now is as good as never. Besides, I was leaving a note. That had to count for something.

We left, and the only thing that stayed in our wake was a note that said, 'Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. I have your son. Going out for ice cream at Dairy Queen. Probably be back by seven.' I just hoped nobody got the police after me or anything. It was just ice cream.

"Miss Bella, I like chocolate chip mint."

"No, you do not. Nothing should be mint except toothpaste." I was arguing with a preschooler about ice cream flavours. After we walked the whole two miles to Dairy Queen (and the runt made me carry him the second mile) we settled into a booth and a waitress was taking our orders. She looked kind of pissed. I would be too if I was a waitress.

"But I want chocolate chip mint. I don't care if you think vanilla is good." I saw the waitress write something down and I snapped.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm not sitting here waiting forever. He wants chocolate chip mint. You want vanilla right? Okay. I'll be back with your shit later." She almost skates away and it makes me angry. Anthony was sitting beside me and when I ate my ice cream I didn't want to smell his toothpaste shit right beside me.

"Miss Bella?" He breaks me out of my angry (and petulant) reverie and I snap at him. He shrinks back and gives me a big wide eyed look. I roll my eyes.

"What, what?" I ask.

"Well, even though you're kinda cranky, I've needed a new mommy for awhile, so I've decided you're my mommy." I shrug. Maybe his mom died or his parents got divorced or something. Either way, apparently I had a kid at seventeen.

"Okay. But don't call me mommy. Call me Bella Mommy."

"Yes Bella Mommy. Oh look! Ice cream!" We were in a Dairy Queen, yeah there was gonna be ice cream. But it was the bitchy waitress with our shit. She kind of slammed our ice cream down.

"Anything else?" She asks, and I know she really doesn't give a shit if we want anything else. I name her Bitchy Rosalie because that's what it says on her nametag, minus the bitchy part.

"Yeah. We want a better waitress." I reply snarkily and begin to slurp my food. I've never had much table manners when I was hungry, and apparently neither did Anthony. He probably got more ice cream on his Transformers shirt than in his pie hole.

"Fuck you." The waitress replies and leaves. I shrug and continue eating. Anthony occasionally asks questions and I answer some and don't answer others. It's not that I'm secretive or anything, I just don't like talking while I'm eating. I never understand dinner talk. Dinner is made to shove food in your mouth. You can talk later.

After we finish I leave our trash on the table happily, because I was still kind of sore from Bitchy Rosalie. We leave Dairy Queen and I vaguely hear the blonde waitress cursing as she throws napkins in the trashcan.

"Bella Mommy, carry me home." Anthony demands and I frown. Are all kids this demanding? I knew I was demanding but I was always a bit of a bitchy kid. Anthony isn't bitchy, he just knows what he wants. Eh. With a sigh I heave him up and know I'll probably lose more weight in this one day than I had in the past month.

Anthony and I talk on the way back to his house. He indulges me in information I was too lazy to ask for. Apparently his mom left his dad after his dad caught her 'boning a two ton bastard'. Anthony didn't know what those words meant but I kind of sniggered. His dad had a sense of humor. Wasn't stuffy. Good to know, since Anthony declared me his mom and all. I was like the virgin mary, except I gave a blow job once. I accidently bit his dick but he was an asshole anyway.

We hit Anthony's house twenty minutes later and I drop him off at the side of the sidewalk where I meet him. His dad is on the porch of the house, I think, and Anthony runs to meet him. I can't get a good look at the guy, so I shrug and leave. He's probably happy that Anthony wasn't kidnapped by some child rapist or anything. If I had a kid I'd want to know if some crazy motherfucker took him or not.

The walk home gives me time to think, not that I use it. I don't like to dwell on things because my temper gets the best of me sometimes and I'll usually walk into the house pissy for really no reason at all, and whoever gets close to me first gets blown up at. That's mostly the reason nobody talks to me straight after I get home.

I see my house come into sight soon and I sigh in relief. My feet were killing me. I guess I should get new Docs soon but I was really close to the ones I was wearing. I hade down all my firsts in them, step in dog shit, get kissed, all that. They were special to me. I even named them. The right one was Phil and the left one was Robin. I was a big fan of Dr. Phil. Sue me.

My house isn't anything special. My dad's the chief of police and my mom is a flaky bitch who can't keep a job for her life. So it's pretty average. A two story white house with the paint chipping off the sides. I love it anyway and that's saying a lot.

When I walk into the house and kick off my shoes I notice everything is quiet. Renee and Charlie probably noticed I was gone not too soon after I'd actually left but were too lazy to actually try to find me. That actually sounded like them.

I walked into the kitchen, intent on heating up some leftovers, because even though Dairy Queen ice cream was good, it wasn't really dinner. I noticed a post-it note on the fridge, written hastily in Renee's sideways writing. She always wrote like she was drunk or suffering a major hangover.

'Your dad and I went to Billy's for a bonfire. Be back around ten. Leftover meatloaf in the fridge - Renee'

Sometimes Renee forget I was her daughter and put her own name down on her notes. That didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was the meatloaf part. Like hell I was eating that shit. Renee cooked like a drunk college girl on acid on a good day.

Instead of heating up leftovers I had to make myself a sandwich. Usually I liked to cook, like really liked to cook, but I was tired for some reason. Maybe it was carrying a preschooler on my back for two miles that day but I wasn't in the mood for the whole sauteeing flip and fry thing today.

Soda in one hand and turkey sandwich in the other I turned on the TV in the living room and sat down on the rinky dinky leather couch. I never liked it because it held in the smell of ass like hell but Charlie was cheap and sentimental, so damn him if the couch was going, so was he.

Nothing was on except the usual game shows, news, that stuff. I settled on a rerun of Dr. Phil and promptly fell asleep on the couch just as some teary eyed MILF explained why she'd actually cheated on her hunky husband.

I didn't even get to the part where Dr. Phil would tell her how to work it out.

Author's Note: So, should I keep going? Give me a yes, a no. Also, tell me if you want lemons. :) I'd love to have everybody's input.