Beating a dead Horse
(The following letter was found in the desk of former actor and late Bojack Horseman at his home in rural Colorado. The mostly forgotten former actor known for his early work on the Sit-com ''Horsing around'' which aired between 1987-1996. Seldom thought of today but easily forgotten as one of the cornerstone pieces of hollywood history which paved the way for the development of the modern TV show. But his most popular work came 19 years later from his memoir ''One trick pony'' in which ghost writer Diane Niguyen followed him for just under a year and wrote a telling of the darker side of Hollywood fame and the story of a complicated man. And that next year, his main role in (2015) secretariet. Although he raved at his role in the movie in interviews short after its release, disclosing that they only used computer models of himself in the picture.)
To say that I have regrets in my life is like saying it snows at the south pole. But I have no true way of saying really what I regret. Saying so would only cause more damage to good people or be misinterpreted as just a desperate cry for attenction. But I can't just let these things fester inside of me. So, I'm writing this letter, to absolutley no one else but myself. I don't particularly think I deserve redemption for what I've done. I have to learn to live with that fact.
Charlotte, the word sorry has never been so under powered in all of history. It feels as empty and futile as putting a single sandbag down to prepare for a flood. I can't truly express the regret and pain that I feel for you. And you have absolutely no civil expectation or duty to listen or take in any of what I write. I don't want you to to be honest. As doing so would only cause more damage, and I never want to do that ever again, as I've done enough to you and your family. But I will tell you why I am sorry, as I hope that will be enough, which it won't.
I'm sorry that I met you back in the 80's. You and herb were honest and free from any guilt or pain and by meeting you and having the feelings for each other that we did. I'm sorry that I was a coward all those years ago and never saying how I really felt.
I'm sorry that for 30 years I was your ghost, your ''what if'' question that I'm sure haunted you. I'm sorry I never tried to call. To try and fix what I had done.
I'm sorry that I came back, finally, but waay too late. Coming back after 30 years is insane. But I wa- (the next two lines are darkly scribbled out)
I'm sorry I started to connect with you and your family, I know now that you knew, I know that you read that book, and thought again of sorry old me. And you still loved me deep down, I'm especially sorry for that. You tried to help me. After 30 years you still tried to help me. And that's what makes it so danm horrible. Because you're good Charlotte, you've always been good.
I'm sorry I nearly ruined you, I'm so so so danm sorry.
I'm sorry I made your daughter have feelings. Your goddanm daughter I'm so goddanm sorry. I was trying to be good, but I tried so goddanm hard and I became me again. I almost SLEPT with her! No matter what my mindset there is no excuse, and there never will be.
I'm sorry I almost ripped your life apart, I was so goddanm in lo-(the next bit of the line is scribbled out) that I was willing to tear your family apart to get that effection and that was selfish and unfair and wrong, so so wrong.
I'm sorry that I became a bigger ghost to you than I ever was before. You probably thought sadly about me from time to time but now, I've effected your entire family. I tried to come to you get rid of that tar inside of me, instead I broke off a little and put it all in you and no matter what, there is no justification for that.
I'm sorry for the rift I must have created between you and your daughter, your husband, your family, everyone. I hope every day that you all were able to move past me. That you don't think of me, that your daugher dosen't think of me gaddanmit I'm so sorry and I don't deserve forgiveness. That your husband dosen't think of me, your son, anyone. I hope you're all happy and love each other and all that pain and suffering I created was healed.-this is turning creepy sorry.
I want to tell everyone who I really am, what I've done. I don't deserve people looking up to me. I want to shout what I've done from the mountian tops I'm so horrible. But the first thing they would do is look for you and your family and that would hurt you and everything you love. And that destroys me. Which I have earned and deserve.
I came back into your life like a wrecking ball and no matter what my cause or justification I was still that wrecking ball and I had no right to.
To Penny, I'm sorry I met you, I'm sorry that I effected you in such a way that caused you to have a crush on me. But jeeze I was 50 years old for crying out loud, I don't know why I do things that I do. Don't think that for one minute that you are at fault for a single thing that you did. Not one, not anything you said to your mother afterwards, or to your father, listen to your father, he's a better man than me that's for sure. Please, please please believe that I am not right for you ever ever ever. You are smart and responsible and such a good person. Please stay a good person. One day you will meet someone, and goddanmit make sure that they never mistreat you so horribly as I mistreated you. If you have a rift between you and your mother I beg you to please mend things with her. Neither of you are at fault. I caused it, I was the adult, I'm responsible no matter what you think I am. I hope I didn't ruin you. You've probably graduated college by now. I hope you are happy, I'm sorry for any long term damage I may have caused. But Penny, I'm not a good person. At least not when I was with your family. Don't worry about me, that may seem like some mind trick to make you care about me but I'm dead serious about this, (in dark bold letters) don't care about me. Please live your life and be happy.
To Charlotte's husband. You are right about everything you no doubt think about me. You are right that I am a homewrecker. You are right I tried to seduce your wife, you are right about me seducing your daughter. You were right when you surely questioned me showing up on your doorstep. You are right that I am a monster. You are a great man. You have a family that you love and that love you. I had no right what so ever. I tried to destroy everything you held dear. And you are the better man. You. I have no right to even think of having the privelage to speak to you. You are modest, you make YOUR wife happy and you give her love, you give your children love. You are a great man. And to say that I'm sorry to you should be taken as an insult. But please do not let me poison you. Do not let it poison your relationship with your wife, she loves you, and YOU make her happy. Actually don't listen to what I say, you have your shit figured out a thousand times more than I do. Please be you. And don't let me turn you into anything else. Please.
To Trip, I'm sorry for the damage I caused to your family. You and your family are good people, remember that. The drama I no doubt have caused is not them. Its my doing which I caused from my actions. Be a good man. I didn't get to know you too well and that is probably good. I was a horrible person to you and your family. Take after your mom and dad.
To herb,
There is no going back and fixing what I did to you. I have to live with what I did. I deserve nothing else. I'm sorry for abandoning you. I'm sorry I didn't recognise that you would care more about me abandoning you when you needed me most. I was a coward, you were right. I have to carry that. I didn't realize that you would care about me abandoning you and not calling for so many years more than you getting fired. I was afraid you would care about me getting you fired with no one behind you. And I felt I didn't deserve your presense. Didn't deserve to even be in the same room as you. And that was wrong? I guess? I don't know. I was not a good friend to you and nothing will ever change that. I'm happy you had a good life though. I wish I could change things, but I don't deserve that. You were right.
One last thing to everyone that is alive though. I can never forgive myself for what I've done to anyone. I don't deserve forgiveness from anyone else. I only hope that to anyone else I don't know about, maybe some random person I may have met briefly and tore down in a swift moment. At any point in my life. Like this one young shy girl who came up to me saying how she read my book and how it was inspiring. All I was interested was jumping into bed. I don't want there to be any confusion that I am not a good person. Please do not be like me. I am selfish and narsisistic and rude and cowardly, and a liar. I'm not even writing this for anyone but myself. That in itself is cowardly and selfish. But to anyone who foolishly feels bad for me. Please don't but if you just can't help but feel for someone as bad as me know this.
I'm learning how to be happy again. I'm learning how to be a better person, I'm maturing. I thought I was still a teenager until I was in my 50's. But I've moved away from LA. And I've met someone who makes me happy and I make them happy and shes a wonderful woman. I've tried tried to convince her I'm not the one for her but she is as stubborn as me. She makes me a better person, I make her a better person. We're both old and have blackness inside us, but we work together to fix that. And I think we are making progress. I think we can make this something great. And even though I can't forget what I've done, I think I can learn from it, and that's all I can do.
(Bojack Horseman died peacefully in his sleep with the comfort of his family at the age of 88, on march 12. He leaves behind his wife Susan 91, his oldest daughter Harper, age 31, his son Richard, age 29, and his youngest daughter Lillian age 26.)