A/N: This is just an idea for Thursday's episode.

I don't own any of it.

That secret that we know
That we don't know how to tell
I'm in love with your honor
I'm in love with your cheeks

-Blood Bank, Bon Iver

Being in love is absolutely horrid. I can't understand why anyone could ever want to live like this. It is utterly unbarrable. I don't think that I could ever admit to feeling this way because of how poposterously awful I feel right now.

It's worse than when he 'died'. At least then I didn't have to just sit and wait, and God forbid (no pun intended) pray that everything would be okay. All I can do is sit in this horribly plain waiting room -and support it's definition- and wait. Looking at the walls in hospitals can become quite redundant.

What a stupid fucking idea. Why the hell would I have ever asked him to father my child? I mean, yes, I wanted a baby, and still do, but I realize now that all I wanted was for it to be with him. To always have a part of him with me if he were to leave me behind. Or I leave him. It seems as of now, that it was him who would be departing.

And now I have to keep this horrible thought, secret even, deep inside me, and never let it free. I can never speak it. Deny it's exsistence at all costs.

Truth be told, I lie to myself all the time. For the longest time I told myself I didn't need anyone, until one day, I suddenly did. I woke up and realized that my life did not feel whole; that I was incomplete.

Hours pass slowly when you watch analog clocks. They hands move forward, but time seemingly stands at a still.

Love does that - it stops time.

When I asked him to father my child, He'd freaked out because we were with Sweets. "That's something you have to talk to me about privately, Bones," he'd said. I'd apalogized.

He said no.

I was almost angry. I would have been if his reasoning hadn't made such perfect fucking sense. How can someone like Booth, who is so...emotional, be so damn rational? How could someone who bases everything that happens on a greater being be rational?

Whether or not you believe in faith comes down to one thing: who you blame when something goes wrong. Do you think it's your fault- that if you'd tried better, or worked harder, it wouldn't have happened? Or do you just chalk it up to circumstances?

I know people who'll hear about the people who died, and will say it was God's will. I know people who will say it was bad luck. Then there's my personal favorite: They were just in the wrong place at the wring time.

Then again, you could say the exact same thign about me.

What if I hadn't met Booth when I had, or if one thing in his life had been different? How would that afect our lives today? Who I be sitting in this idiotic waiting room, praying to who knows what, just hoping that he'll be okay?

Would all of our friends be here, and still say nothing? Would they still have no words of comfort to give me? Or would that nurse in scrubs be walking towards us at that very moment?

I stood and she greeted me as Ms. Booth, no one corrected her. In my mind, it was basically correct. She said I was aloud to go and see him, but no one else could - that he was still asleep.

I went in and just looked at him. He looked so peaceful. I simply held his hand, and thought about how horribly difficult love was for me, and for him. For us both.

And I prayed that maybe, just maybe, things were looking up. Just like he did as his scratchy voice spoke the greatest words of the English language.

"Bones," he said. "I'm so sorry I kept this secret from you." I looked down at him quizzically. A small smile graced his lips as he spoke. "I love you so much more than you could ever know." I leaned my head against his chest. "More than you'll ever know."

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