Author's Note: I had the lyrics to Jewel's You Were Meant for Me throughout the story but was made to remove them...so, please do go listen to the song if you would like to see where my idea for this fic came from. It's a beautiful song.
There was a ringing in Steve's ears on that warm Wednesday morning. The annoying alarm clock that Bucky insisted they keep woke both men at six A. M. sharp. Steve groaned and rolled over, wrapping his small arms around Bucky's neck.
"Good morning, beautiful." Bucky said with a wink, gazing to the crystal blue eyes that he adored so much. Steve smiled, but it turned into a pout at the droning buzz that was still filling the small bedroom.
"Why do we need that thing, Buck?" Bucky chuckled and lightly pecked Steve's lips, sitting up and running his fingers through his bedhead.
"You know I have somewhere to be today. Gotta pick up my uniform, I'm shipping out to England in the morning." Steve's heart lurched inside his chest, partly because of worry and partly because he knew the army would never let him go with James to the end of the line. He managed a smile anyway, sighing and forcing himself out of bed.
"Want breakfast?" Steve was a wonderful cook, his mother had taught him everything she knew before her untimely passing. He grabbed a pan and began to make pancakes and eggs, Bucky walking around and wrapping his strong arms around Steve's tiny waist. Bucky had never cared that Steve was sick and small…every little curve and crevasse of Steve's body was beautiful to him. He pressed his lips to Steve's neck gently and Steve had to fight the blush crawling up his cheeks.
"Buck." James hardly heard him, caught up in the rapture of what he knew could very well be their last morning together. He breathed in the Victory Garden Cologne that Steve's skin just about naturally smelled of now and attempted to burn the sweet scent into his mind. He didn't want to forget any aspect of his best friend and life partner while he was away. Especially if he wasn't guaranteed a return.
"Hm?" Steve rolled his eyes.
"C'mon, wake up. Go and get me some plates would you?" He chuckled happily to himself as he felt his friend sigh and walk to the cabinets near the refrigerator. He grabbed them each a plate and poured them some orange juice, setting the table while Steve brought the skillet over and fixed them each their food. Bucky grinned when they finally sat down.
"Smells delicious." Steve nodded and grabbed the maple syrup, coating both his and Bucky's pancakes before taking a large bite.
"Taste's delicious too, if I do say so myself."
Bucky snorted and poked his fork at the scrambled eggs on his plate, which Steve had delicately placed into the shape of a smile, like he always did. Bucky would never forget the day his mother died, he had broken down crying and admitted to Steve all of the little things about her that he was going to miss. Never in his life did he imagine Steve would take it all to heart, he had been making Buck's breakfast into smiles every morning since, just like her. Now it was something he would miss about both of them. Bucky choked up a little, deciding to take the opportunity to use the bathroom so that Steve wouldn't notice.
"Be right back, gonna hit the bathroom." He said gently, kissing Steve gently on the cheek and excusing himself. Steve didn't notice that anything was wrong and continued eating, forcing forkful after forkful into his mouth. He wanted to bulk up so that maybe, just maybe the military would accept him. They had a war to win and him sitting around doing nothing while people he loved…people like Bucky were laying down their lives just didn't sit well with him. Steve was concentrating on this thought when he heard his counterpart complain loudly from their bathroom.
"Steven Rogers…what am I going to do with you?" Steve looked up, mouth stuffed full of pancake and shrugged.
"What are you talking about?" It came out all grabbled since his mouth was full, but Bucky understood him loud and clear, walking into the kitchen fighting a smile. Bucky's eyes were full of love, but he attempted a stern face.
"Every day since the day we moved in together you have left your towel in the bathroom floor…you haven't even had a shower yet, Steve, which means this was in here all night!" Steve swallowed and winked at his love.
"You know you love to play maid." Bucky burst into laughter and threw the towel into the laundry basket.
"Yeah, sure. But you can clean your own toothpaste mess off of our mirror, you jerk." Steve sighed and rose from his seat, getting ready to put his plate in the sink.
"Sure, sure. I'll do it after I wash up these dishes." Bucky thought for a moment before a shit-eating grin crossed his face and when he headed toward the door Steve knew he was in trouble. He tried to sneak off to clean the bathroom before Bucky got their front door open but he wasn't quick enough.
"I knew it. Steve, I'm not always going to be around to make sure you take the keys out of the door. Someone could break in…" Steve laughed.
"I would fight them off." A certain brightness filled Bucky's eyes and face and he laughed playfully at Steve, pulling their bodies together and beginning to lightly tickle him.
"Oh really? The mighty Steve Rogers is going to fight off a band of robbers?"
Steve burst into tearful laughter, and Bucky cherished the feeling of his petite body squirming against his own. He caught Steve's wrists in his firm hands and pinned him against the wall, furthering the tickles and placing a few kisses along the side of his jaw.
"Ha-Ha-Ha! B-Bucky! Let me g-go!" Steve's laughs soon sputtered off into violent coughing and Bucky immediately felt bad. He tried to be gentle with Steve, who had terrible asthma, but sometimes he forgot.
"Stevie…" He whispered softly, in apology, and brought his head against his chest. He threaded his fingers into the blonde locks he adored so much and peppered the top of Steve's head with kisses. He refused to let go until he felt Steve's labored breathing return to normal, and he felt his forehead rest gingerly against his own.
"I t-think I'm okay." Bucky's deep ocean eyes were riddled with concern and it made him wish that things could be different. The only thing he regretted about joining in on the war effort was that he was going to have to leave this beautiful little mess of his to take care of himself.
"Promise me you'll stay safe while I'm gone." It was a passionate whisper, but Steve didn't want it. He wanted to hear that Bucky believed in him, that he could come along.
"Hopefully I'll join you soon." Bucky's jaw set and he sighed heavily. Steve knew how he felt about his illegal attempts to cheat the system. He didn't want to fight though, not today, so he forced a smile and checked his watch.
"If I don't get dressed soon I'll be late." He kissed Steve one more time before heading back to their bedroom.
After Bucky left to retrieve his uniform Steve didn't really know what to do with himself. He cleaned up the remaining bits of the house and decided to go out. He walked down to a coffee house on Fulton Street called Bickford's, it was one of the hottest café's in Brooklyn. He bought a newspaper and sat down at an empty table outside, smiling gloomily at the waitress. He already missed Bucky, even though he technically wouldn't be gone until tomorrow.
"What will it be, sugar?" Steve thought for a moment, looking up and down the menu.
"Just a coffee, thanks." He opened the paper up wide and took a look. He didn't know why he was surprised that it was filled with nothing but war talk. Hitler was still on the rise, though British tropes had successfully beaten German forces in Lebanon. Churchill and Roosevelt had unanimously decided that the war could only end with Germany's full and irrevocable surrender and they were preparing soldiers to make their final attempt at clearing the Guadalcanal. Steve's stomach churned as he read about the horrors and conditions people were living in in countries that had fallen. It broke his heart in half. There were woman and children dying…starving, being captured, and he was about to sip coffee at some stupid shop as if he had not a care in the world. By the time the waitress came back he didn't even want the beverage, though he politely took a sip anyway. He wasted about thirty minutes at the shop, deciding to finally just pay for the basically untouched drink and head over to the movies to kill some time.
It had begun to rain and Steve pulled his coat tighter against himself, sprinting a few blocks to the theatre to see a cartoon film. Hopefully by the time a short children's movie was over Bucky would be on his way home and Steve wanted nothing more than to spend every moment he could with him before he was deployed. Steve didn't even know what was playing when he absentmindedly walked into the movie and sat down, nothing playing though his head but the image of that gorgeous face. Before the movie started a short film about the war began to play and Steve let out an inaudible sigh. It was everywhere wasn't it?
"Who cares, get a move on already!" A loud gentleman seated in front of Steve complained. This rubbed Steve the wrong way, who didn't want to see the commercial either but was happy to show his support for the cause.
"Hey, why don't you show some respect." Steve whispered, though he wasn't sure the person heard him or not, because they didn't respond. The theatre quieted for a few moments more before the man spoke up again, only louder this time.
"Let's go! Get on with it, start the cartoon!" An anger began to simmer in Steve's blood past a simple annoyance and he whispered once more, harsher this time.
"Hey, wanna shut up?" Steve almost instantly regretted it as the person stood up in the theatre and was obviously about to start a scene. Steve quietly rose and walked outside, knowing the stranger would follow, though he was prepared to stand and fight once he was away from the crowd of movie-goers. The person ran out quicker than he expected and shoved him into an alleyway, clocking him in the face hard as he did so. Steve fell hard against some trash cans, but he wasn't about to be a coward. He stood and put his own fists to the best use that he could. He grabbed a trashcan lid as a shield, though it was easily ripped from his weak hands and he was punched square in the nose. He began to taste blood but got up anyway, though he felt as if he were about to topple over at any given moment.
"You just don't give up, do you?"
"I could do this all day." Steve bravely threw a punch at the man's face, who blocked it easily and knocked Steve back into the trash cans with one last forceful blow.
No sooner had the punch been thrown Bucky grabbed the back of the strangers arm and pushed him back towards the alleys entrance.
"Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" Steve couldn't help but admire Bucky's new uniform he was now wearing. It was form fitting to James's toned body and he looked so…so…dashing. Steve was driven from this thought when he saw the man attempt to hit Buck, though thankfully he missed and Bucky decked him hard. Once he had the guy turned around Bucky kicked him in the ass and the bastard ran off. Bucky sauntered over to Steve and helped him to his feet.
"Sometimes I think you like getting punched." If he hadn't been seeing two of everything Steve might have tried to make something sexual out of that remark.
"I had him on the ropes." Bucky just laughed and through an arm around him.
"Come on, man, gotta get you cleaned up." Steve raised an eyebrow.
"Where are we going?" Bucky didn't answer, just winked, and the two came home for Steve to change his clothes and for Bucky to make sure his injuries were clean.
"If we are going out you need to tell me what kind of clothes to put on." Steve said as he walked into their room and opened the closet door. Bucky walked up behind him and nuzzled into his neck.
"No one said we were going out, you assumed that. Frankly, for what I have in mind I would prefer it if you had no clothes on at all." Steve turned around in Bucky's arms, doe eyes wide and a bright blush across his cheeks.
"What?" Bucky knew that Steve was a virgin and he cupped his face tenderly, bringing their lips together in a soft, loving kiss.
"We don't have too if you don't want to, but I just thought if this is our last chance to―" Steve cut him off with a searing kiss, the kind of kiss that bruises lips and Bucky let out a small, surprised moan.
"I do want too." Bucky smiled and loosened Steve's tie, pulling it off over his head carefully and working to unbutton Steve's shirt. Steve timidly removed Bucky's hat in response, weaving his fingers into Bucky's hair as the solider pushed his shirt and jacket off of his shoulders and tossed them into the floor. Steve shivered at the cool air that now tickled his bare chest and Bucky reached down to plant a gentle kiss on one of his shoulders.
"God, you're perfect." Steve placed a hand on Bucky's tight, muscular torso and shook his head.
"Not as perfect as you." Bucky smirked smugly and practically ripped his uniform off, so that Steve could get a real feel. Steve had seen Bucky shirtless before, but something about this was different and he couldn't seem to tear his gaze away. He bent forward slowly, unsure if what he was about to do was correct, but he was going to do it anyway. Steve took one of Bucky's nipples into his mouth and began to lightly suck, earning an encouraging moan from his friend. Bucky removed both of their pants as best he could and then easily lifted Steve into his arms. Steve wrapped his legs around Bucky's waist and sighed with content as the larger man pushed them back onto the bed, Steve on bottom.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Bucky asked one final time, reaching for the lube he kept in his bedside table. Steve nodded, fearless, because he knew that no matter what Bucky could never hurt him. Bucky crushed their lips together one more time, enjoying the sweet flavor that belonged to Steve and Steve alone before squirting some of the lube onto his fingers. He held the kiss long and hard, hoping to distract his love as he delicately inserted one finger. Steve's body tensed, but he otherwise showed no signs of being in pain, which Bucky took as a great sign. He nipped and bit excitedly at Steve's sensitive neck while working to fit in one more finger. Steve mewled loudly, pushing back on Bucky's fingers with a whimper.
"Hmm, sounds like someone is ready for the real thing." Bucky teased, reveling in the gorgeousness of the need plastered all over his boyfriends face. Steve laced their fingers together and brought one of Bucky's hands up to his mouth to kiss in adoration.
"Please?" How could anyone say no to that? Bucky held Steve's hands tightly as he very gently eased himself inside of him. Steve cried out in pain for a brief moment, locking eyes with James, who remained very still. They shared the most intimate, loving look in that moment, that moment where they had become one for the first and last time. Bucky's hips finally rolled into Steve and they began to make love, slowly, passionately. Each man poured every ounce of their souls into one another as their bodies collided in their sweet, sacred act. When they finally reached the peak of their adventure Bucky collapsed tiredly on top of Steve and they lay there for a long time with one another. Steve was so proud of himself…he hadn't coughed once. Bucky pulled the smaller man against his chest and held him there possessively, burying his face into Steve's chest.
"I'm going to miss you so much." A few tears escaped from Steve's eyes, though he was very thankful that Bucky didn't see.
"Don't you worry, Buck. I know you don't believe me, but I'll join you soon. We'll win this war together." Bucky just laughed, a bittersweet sound that hung uncomfortably in the air for a few moments before he finally replied.
"My sweet little idiot." James kissed the side of Steve's face and he just grinned, running his fingers through Bucky's hair. I love you so much. Steve thought to himself, and those would be the five little words he would regret not saying for the rest of his life.
Steve woke up in bed the next morning alone. A panic surged through him immediately and he shot up, looking around for any sign of his friend. He was about to call out his name, hoping he was just in the kitchen or something, when he noticed the note neatly perched on Bucky's side of the bed.
"My dearest Steve, I am sorry to leave you this way, but we overslept and I couldn't bring myself to wake you. I didn't want to see the tears in your eyes as I bid you goodbye…the heartbreak. We said all we needed to say last night, believe me, you showed me everything I needed to know about how you feel. I hope I was able to do the same for you, and I swear to god Steven if I make it out of this war, I don't care what the government or anyone else has to say…I will make an honest man out of you. Wait for me, don't do anything stupid. At least not without me. Yours Truly, Bucky"
Steve didn't know if he was grateful or upset, but either way his heart was breaking into a million pieces. He curled up on Bucky's side of the bed, wallowing into the other man's pillow in an attempt at catching any sort of trace of his scent. He was able to catch the faint smell of butterscotch, though it was fading. Bucky had smelled that way his entire life, though neither knew why, he didn't wear cologne. Steve smiled at the memory, though it only made him cry harder. He wondered briefly if he could call the base…surely they weren't doing anything yet. Then again, he didn't know the number and what would he say? What could he possibly say to the man who had just walked out of his life and into the battlefield…nothing that would make it better. Nothing except possibly I love you, though he knew he would never be able to choke those words out. Not now.
Steve cried for a good long while before he ever moved, yearning for the touch of the love of his life, the only person he had ever been with. After about twenty minutes of this he decided to get up and stop feeling sorry for himself. Bucky wouldn't want that. He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, careful to not get any on the mirror, Bucky wouldn't want that either. It was still very early in the morning, and the dull ache in Steve's chest was enough to make him want to go back to sleep. He rinsed his mouth, reaching to turn the bathroom light off but stopping mid reach. He remembered the first night they ever shared the same bed, Bucky got so irritated with him because he kept getting up and turning the bathroom light on when he'd wake to find Bucky had turned it off again. Finally Bucky rolled over to look at Steve and demanded to know what his issue was, discovering that Steve was afraid of the dark. The annoyance melted off of Bucky's expression and he had gently kissed Steve's forehead and whispered "Don't you worry, Stevie. As long as I'm around nothing can hurt you." Steve hadn't needed the light on since, but now, Bucky wasn't here anymore to protect him from the things that went bump in the night. Steve wasn't afraid any longer, but he was in a symbolic mood and decided to leave it on. He grabbed one of the many books the couple kept in a little basket in a corner of the room and pulled his sheets back, staring for a minute too long at Bucky's side of the bed. It looked so empty…so lonely. It was too big a bed for such a small man alone.
Steve crawled into bed and turned his back to Bucky's side, unable to look at it any longer. He hoped the book he'd picked up would be enough to take his mind off of it until he could fall back a sleep, realizing he hadn't even looked at the cover. The book he picked he didn't recognize, it was one Bucky must have been reading and he opened it up to the last bookmarked page.
"I bare my soul and you are suspicious! No, Scarlett, this is a bona fide honorable declaration. I admit that it's not in the best of taste, coming at this time, but I have a very good excuse for my lack of breeding. I'm going away tomorrow for a long time and I fear that if I wait till I return you'll have married someone else with a little money. So I thought, why not me and my money? Really, Scarlett, I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands. " He read aloud, from the book that was obviously Gone with the Wind now that he had begun reading.
"Damn it Bucky, I can't read this, not now." Cap threw the book onto Bucky's side and fell back into his own pillow, wishing he could get drunk but knowing damn well that Bucky took everything they had with him. The hurting deep in his heart told him it would be years before he ever held Bucky again, ever heard his voice. This might have depressed him had he not had faith that somehow, that very day if he had his way, he was following Bucky into the damned army. This is what was on his mind as he began to drift quietly back into sleep…until there was an extremely loud blasting of AC/DC's Highway to Hell rattling his brain.
Steve's eyes fluttered open, eyes wet and stinging from the dream he had just had. He dreamed about that last day more often than he would ever care to admit, and he shuddered a bit as he felt himself whisper that one sentence that had haunted him ever since; "I love you so much."
"I love you too. Hey, what's wrong?" The voice beside him asked, the voice that didn't belong to Bucky. How he ever ended up dating Howard Stark's son 70 years later was beyond him. Tony gently ebbed Steve's tears away with the back of his hand and pulled him into a tight embrace.
"Bad dream?" Steve nodded and took a deep breath, curling into Tony's chest and playfully fingering his facial hair. He loved Tony, he really did, but there was always going to be a huge chunk of him that belonged to James Buchanan Barnes.
"Something like that." Tony kissed him lightly and stretched, looking over at the clock and reluctantly pulling away from Steve. The couple had an Avengers meeting today and Tony still needed to take a shower. He snorted and shook his head as he approached the bathroom.
"You left the bathroom light on all night again. Afraid of the dark, Captain?" Tony teased, earning a smug yet bittersweet grin from his boyfriend.
"Incurably so."