Life Can Be Re-found
They say you cannot live on suffering with money. That you need joy and love to survive. But what if your pain, your suffering, your unhappiness, provides money to keep the one you love, the one you would give your life for, alive, healthy and happy.
That was what life was like for me. I was twenty-one. I had dark brown hair. I had pale skin, chocolate eyes, fairly tall and skinny. Every time I looked in the mirror I would see a girl I didn't know. The girl that I was now. If I try to see the girl I once was I would see myself happy, a healthy weight, my skin not so translucent. I would see myself standing next to a guy with reddy-browny hair, tall, with the most amazing emerald eyes. I would see myself next to the guy I loved. The guy I still loved. I wish I could rewind time and be that happy 18 year old, content with her life. I wish I could run back to him now. But I can't. I am too late.
I don't know how long I sat looking at the girl in the mirror. The girl I didn't know. She was an unhappy house-wife to a man she didn't love. A man she would never love. I knew that. I had known that I didn't love, and couldn't love Jacob from the day I had met him. I knew he knew that. But he loved me and still took me in. I saw the hurt in his eyes everyday he saw me; he knew I was still in love with the other guy. I hated hurting him. Any women would be lucky to have him. He was good looking, he was kind caring and very loveable. But he chose me. I shouldn't have said yes to him and thrown myself away. But I was so broken I didn't know what I was doing. How could I? I shouldn't stay with him. I shouldn't hurt him anymore. I should leave him now. But I can't. I needed his money. That sounds so selfish. Why couldn't I go get a job? Fend for myself? I could do that for me. But I had to stay. I had to stay suffering to provide for the only spark of hope left in me. I had to stay for one reason. But that one single reason made all the difference.
"Mummy!"
That was why I had to stay.