Rambling of a Lunatic
This was my first fic, thought I would put it out here… I prefer honest to gentle, so let me have it!
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG, if I did there would have been an entire season of Mac and Harm kissing!
Mac's Head
It is 2:03 a.m., and I am thirsty. I am warm and cozy in bed and I do not want to move. I should roll over and nudge Harm, maybe I can convince him to get me a drink. Yup, that sounds good. I roll over and he's not there. Well, guess I can get my own drink while I am finding him.
A cold chill strikes the second I am out from under the blankets and I shiver. I grab the throw as I head towards the front room to find Harm.
I don't make it to the front room when I notice a soft glow coming from Mattie's room. I peak my head in to see a couple candles still burning on her dresser. As I am about to sneak in and blow them out I notice movement from near the bed. I stand there for a minute and I realize that Harm is holding Mattie and she is crying. My heart is breaking. She has had a rough week at physical therapy. I hear a few muffled words between the sobs; "disappointment… angry… in her way…" Forget breaking, my heart was just ripped out. The words repeat in my head, but one sticks out most, HER, in HER way.
That's when it hits me. In the time that we have all been here, twice now I have let my hopes get up that I was pregnant. This month and 3 months ago. Both times I was late and excited. Both times I was let down, upset, and slightly moody. Both times Mattie had bad weeks at therapy… Her therapist told us she lets her emotions impact her progress. She is a teenager, her emotions impact EVERYTHING.
I guess I didn't realize so do mine. A thousand thoughts go through my mind. Does she think she is disappointing me? Am I taking my anger out on her? God, wouldn't Harm tell me if I was? Wow, I am not sure he would, maybe he would just give her excuses to protect us both. She thinks she is in my way? I have to say something. I can't just barge in. I need her to know that she is not in my way, that I love having her here, that I love her. Think Mac think. I can't intrude on their moment. I'll go get my drink.
As I walk towards the kitchen I realize how cold it is in here. Go check the thermostat, 67 degrees, I bump it up to 71. We need a wood stove, the heat bill would be lower. I make it to the fridge and grab a bottle of water and take a big swig. I can't stop thinking that I am the reason that Mattie is in there crying, maybe there is a reason I can't have kids. No, don't think that way, everyone makes mistakes, I need to talk to her. I need to sit down, good idea, let's go sit. For a second I wonder if normal people talk to themselves in their head like this. Yeah, they must. Of course, now I am answering myself too. That is enough, lets go in the front room and sit down.
I plop down at the end of the couch, set my water bottle down on the end table. "Geez…" I say out loud when I notice the half eaten sticky candy cane stuck to the table. Harm, you are worse than I kid. "Sometimes I wish I could just…" I start to mumble as I stand up and pry the candy cane off the table. That is when I notice Mattie. Tears welling up in her eyes.
"I'm sorry." she says as she turns on her crutches and hobbles back towards her room.
And to think, I wonder why she thinks I don't like her…
Harm's Head
1:16 a.m.
I am laying here in bed wide awake. I roll over to look at the clock, damn it is 1:16 already. I should get up and go to the kitchen. Mac had a rough week this week. She cried herself to sleep in my arms. She should wake up shortly with dry mouth and want something to drink. She will roll over and start nudging me and try to get me to get out of bed because she is cozy. Luckily, I find this cute and I will do it for her. Besides I missed out on a lot of trips to the kitchen for her, so it is the least I can do. Well, might as well go while I am awake anyway.
I hop out of bed, man it is warm in here. Walking down the hall, I notice Mattie is up and on the phone. ON THE PHONE, doesn't that girl know what time it is! Let me grab the water I will peak in on my way back. I stop at the thermostat, 71. Does Mac think heat is free, I bump it down to 67. I grab a water bottle and head back down the hallway.
"Mattie." I notice she is off the phone now. She doesn't respond so I step inside. Aww, I think she is crying. She notices me and turns her head, now I know that she is crying. I slink down next to her on the floor and pull her to me. "What's wrong, honey?"
"Nothing." She says this as she starts to cry harder. This is one of the moments I question my desire to live with two women. Don't get me wrong, I love them both, but two crying women in one night is a lot, even for me. My brain starts raking over the 'nothing'… Now, this could mean so many different things. Nothing translates to, 'something, I just don't want to have to tell you.' Or it can be 'You should know, so the only reply you are getting is nothing.' Now that one I would expect more from Mac. Randomly, it actually means nothing, it is one of those weird women things I do not understand and there is really nothing wrong, they just feel like crying. I thank God again that I am a guy. The nothing I am going for though, is the 'something is really wrong, but I don't want to open up, so will you drag it out of me?'
I take the risk as ask her, "Mattie, honey, talk to me, what has you so upset?"
"Nothing." she sobs.
Nothing again. "You crying doesn't sound like nothing. You can talk to me, ya know?"
"It's just…" And she is crying harder.
"Just what, Mats?" I think I am getting somewhere!
"Just nothing… never mind." Back to the nothing, and followed by a never mind. And I thought for a second I was getting somewhere.
"Mattie, honey, it is obvious that something is wrong, talk to me."
"It is stupid, I am just being a baby." I wonder if all women go to this response next, or if I just happen to live with two that, nope, no need to finish that thought, it is my two tough as nails girls.
"Hey, you are not being a baby, just tell me what is going on." Maybe I should go wake up Mac, they can have a girl to girl chat.
Her crying calms down a little, hopefully she is going to start talking. "Sometimes I am just so stupid…" I think about jumping in here and telling her otherwise, but she is starting to talk and I do not want to stop it. "I was talking to Jen on the phone." What could Jen have done? "I am just having a bad week, ya know? And I was frustrated…" She is crying a little harder again.
"What happened Mattie? Did Jen say something to upset you?"
She lets out a long sigh. "No, it was me, I was just disappointed in myself, and angry for having such a bad week. I shouldn't have taken it out on her. That new guy Todd she is dating, he wanted to come to the movies with us Friday." She starts crying more, where do women store all of these tears? "I was just upset, and I didn't mean it, she probably hates me."
The tears are on over drive. "What Mattie? What did you say?" What could she have said that was this bad.
"I was disappointed… and angry… and I told her never mind I didn't want to go, I didn't want to intrude on her date and be in her way… then I hung up." And the tears come harder if this is possible. Any normal guy would not understand this. Unfortunately, I have years worth of these conversations with Mac. I understand the regret of taking pent up feelings out on someone you love, and I understand how hurt and confused Jen must be feeling.
"Hey Mats, I am sure Jen understands. How about you try to get some rest and call her in the morning. Okay?" Please help me to find the words to comfort her.
"I know you are right, sometimes I just hate the things I do."
"We all have those moments kid, and I am sure Jen understands that." We sit in silence for a moment, Mattie is calming down. She nods at me, guessing maybe she thinks I am right.
"I think I am dehydrated from all this crying, I am going to go get a drink."
She is joking with me, good. Thank you God, for helping me through this night. "How 'bout I go get it and you get ready for bed?"
"I know you mean well, but I would really like to do it by myself." She gives me that look, the one I can't say no to, followed by "Please." She knows she has won.
"Okay. I am going to go check on Mac really quick. I will meet you in the kitchen though to make sure you got everything okay. Then, I am making sure you go to bed, got it?"
I hear her "humph" at me as she gets up. I take it that means there will be no argument about it. At the door she heads to the kitchen, I head to the bedroom. I comforted and calmed both of them in one night, yup, I am good.
I walk in to find the bed empty. Mac must have got up for a drink too. As I start back down the hall Mattie rushes past me. She is crying again. I am about to turn and go after her when I hear Mac call her name. I look towards Mac who is walking this way and notice that she is crying again too.
WOMEN!
Mattie's Head
Same Night
Come on now, pull yourself together. I have been crying long enough. I need some time to regroup, lighten the mood in here. I pull away from his hug and tell him, "I think I am dehydrated from all this crying, I am going to go get a drink."
He gives me a quick smile and says "How 'bout I go get it and you get ready for bed?"
"I know you mean well, but I would really like to do it by myself." I give him that look, the one I know he can't say no to, followed by "Please."
I see the defeat in his eyes before he even starts to talk. "Okay. I am going to go check on Mac really quick. I will meet you in the kitchen though to make sure you got everything okay. Then, I am making sure you go to bed, got it?"
I would normally argue with him on this, but it has been a long week and I might need a little help in the kitchen. I don't want him to know I might need his help though, so I growl out a "humph" as I get up.
Ugh, getting up should not be such a chore. I start crutching down the hall when my legs start aching, maybe I should have let him get me a drink. I am about in tears when I notice Mac grumbling about a candy cane. She looks annoyed. With the week I have had, that look turn my tears back on. I have to get out of here. I stammer out and "I'm sorry." and quickly turn and crutch back to my room.
I pass Harm in the hall, God I hope he didn't notice I was crying again. I shut the door and fall on the bed. I am crying again, and I can't help it, this has been an awful week! Please, don't let one of them come in here now.
"Mattie." I hear Mac's voice at the door. Maybe if I don't say anything she will let it drop. "Mattie, can I come in?" Maybe not. I don't want to face her. I have been pushing her buttons all week. "Please Mattie."
"It's open." I say trying to hold in all the signs that I have been crying. Okay Mattie, control yourself, you don't want her to think you are a baby. Mac's a Marine and Marines don't cry.
She comes over to the bed and sits down, I am looking the other way. I should say something, anything, come on, talk. "I am sorry about the candy cane, I should know better."
"Hey, it is no big deal. I am sorry I upset you." She sounds like she has been crying too. I turn to look at her, it is obvious she has been crying. Did I really get her that upset? I know she hasn't been herself all week. Extra moody, kinda depressed, she seemed very disappointed. It all clicks in my head. Disappointed. All week. I have only seen her like this one other time. The week I fell at therapy. Both times were my bad weeks. How did I not realize? She is sick of taking care of me. The more bad weeks I have the longer she has to wait on me, no wonder she is depressed.
I can't hold the tears in anymore, they just start pouring out. I need to think of something else, I need to get myself under control. Come on Mattie!
"Mattie, it wasn't a big deal. I didn't mean to get you so upset. I am sorry, please don't cry." Great she is trying to comfort me, and I am the one that is screwing up her life. "Mattie, talk to me."
No, I don't want to have this conversation, can't she just leave me in my misery for a while. It is bad enough that I know I am a burden, I am not ready for us all to discuss it out loud. "Please, just leave me alone." I mutter between sobs.
"I… I, I'm sorry Mattie." Great, now she is crying. She goes to get up and leave my room. This is what I was hoping for, but I can't let her leave crying.
I open my mouth and I can't seem to stop the words, they just pour out. "I am sorry Mac. I know it was a bad week, but I will do better next week I promise. I know that you are sick of taking care of me. I am sure it was bad enough that Harm came with a teenage daughter, but having one that needs as much assistance as a two year old. I mean, come on if you wanted a two year old I am sure you and Harm would be trying for one by now. I promise though, I will try harder, and I will do better about picking up after myself. I'm sorry."
There, the words are out, it wasn't THAT bad. Okay it was pretty bad, and I am still staring at the floor. She is not saying anything, I should look up. I just don't want to see the resentment on her face. Deep breath, look up…
God, she looks broken, tears streaming down her face. Now what did I do?
Mac's Head
Same Night
"Please, just leave me alone." She says sobbing. Maybe I should get Harm in here. She must hate me. I have been awful to be around all week, how could I be so insensitive to her. Oh yeah, great mother material I am, taking my problems out on a teenager. A teenager with more of her own problems than any adult should have.
"I… I, I'm sorry Mattie." I stammer as I get up to leave the room.
"I am sorry Mac." I turn back as she starts to talk. "I know it was a bad week, but I will do better next week I promise. I know that you are sick of taking care of me. I am sure it was bad enough that Harm came with a teenage daughter, but having one that needs as much assistance as a two year old. I mean, come on if you wanted a two year old I am sure you and Harm would be trying for one by now. I promise though, I will try harder, and I will do better about picking up after myself. I'm sorry."
I can't breathe. God, I feel my knees growing weak. What do I reply to that. Please I need words. I can't stop the tears, my brain is focusing on the 'would be trying' comment, it should be focusing on telling Mattie how wrong she is. I can't just stand here forever, I need to say something.
"You two okay in here?" I hear as Harm pops his head in. Do we look okay? Two women crying uncontrollably? Oh, we are just peachy!
"Fine." We both mutter.
"Harm, can you give us a minute? I need to talk to Mattie." Please let me find the words.
"No Mac, I am okay, you should go to bed, it is getting late. Besides, it has been a long week for all of us." She is trying to get rid of me. I guess if I thought what she thinks, I wouldn't want to be alone with me either.
"Mattie, we really need to talk." Just let her give me a minute to explain, I have to clear this up. I love her, I have to make her understand how wrong she is.
"Can't it wait, I am really tired, and I have had a pretty rough night." She is looking to Harm, her eyes are begging for his help. Smart tactic, I have to give her credit.
"Come on Mac, lets go to bed. You two can finish this up in the morning."
"No, one thing I have learned from you Harm, some conversations cannot wait." As I say this, I look at him, begging for his help. It is a smart tactic, but I think that I can play the card better than her.
"Mattie, if Mac thinks that this is that important, why don't I give you guys a few minutes to sort through this. Okay?"
"After how bad that phone call went though, I don't want to risk another conversation to end up like that Harm. Please?" Phone call? What phone call? By the look on his face I think she just pulled a trump card. She is more his daughter than I gave her credit for; pulled a rabbit out of her hat.
"You might be right Mats." He says, then he turns to me, "Come on Mac, I am sure sleeping on it won't hurt anything. Mattie needs some rest, and so do we."
He guides me to the door, it just doesn't feel right to leave it like this. How am I suppose to get any sleep knowing that she thinks I don't want her here? I can't let her spend another night thinking that. As we get to the door he leans down and asks me, "Are you all right?" No, I am not all right, far from it.
Harm's Head
Same Time
"You two okay in here?" I say as I pop my head in. What is this a misery loves company festival? I get them both calmed down and they get together to cry some more?
"Fine." They both mutter. Fine, ah, that is another 'nothing' word. So many things that this could mean, but FINE is definitely not one of them.
"Harm, can you give us a minute? I need to talk to Mattie." Wow, I suddenly feel the tension in the room, what did I just walk in on? I have never seen them fight. I know that I am not with them 24/7, but neither one of them has ever mentioned anything to me about not getting along. God, I hope they just don't pretend to get along for my sake.
"No Mac, I am okay, you should go to bed, it is getting late. Besides, it has been a long week for all of us." I think that she is trying to get us out of here. Whatever this is must be serious.
"Mattie, we really need to talk." Okay, I am so confused. What the hell is going on?
"Can't it wait, I am really tired, and I have had a pretty rough night." Mattie is giving me those eyes, the ones that are begging me to rescue her from this situation. A little sleep won't hurt anything.
"Come on Mac, lets go to bed. You two can finish this up in the morning." I say.
"No, one thing I have learned from you Harm, some conversations cannot wait." Now Mac is giving me those same eyes. I just walked into a female war, and I am the weapon!
"Mattie, if Mac thinks that this is that important, why don't I give you guys a few minutes to sort through this. Okay?" Mac is right, some conversations should not be put on hold.
"After how bad that phone call went though, I don't want to risk another conversation to end up like that Harm. Please?" Mattie has just taken full control of the weapon, the weapon being me of course. She is right too. I don't want her to feel bad for saying something else she doesn't mean, and I don't want Mac on the receiving end of those comments.
"You might be right Mats." I says, then I turn to Mac, "Come on Mac, I am sure sleeping on it won't hurt anything. Mattie needs some rest, and so do we."
I guide Mac to the door and lean down and ask her, "Are you all right?"
She starts sobbing. I have never understood in all of my years why asking a female if she is all right brings out tears. We are just outside Mattie's room and she is crying uncontrollably on my shoulder. WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT ROOM????
"Mac, honey, tell me what is wrong." Please, let this be something I can fix. I wonder if the local college offers a class on understanding women?
"She… she… she…" She is sobbing so hard she can't talk.
"She what honey? Did Mattie do or say something to upset you?" What could Mattie have done? Of course, she is a teenager, sometimes they talk without thinking.
"No, she didn't do anything." Her crying has calmed down enough for a complete sentence to come out, this is a good sign. "We have to tell her Harm." Hmmm, tell her what? Racking my brain here, coming up with nothing.
"Tell her what Mac?"
"We have to tell her that we are trying for a baby Harm. She thinks that she is the reason I have been so upset all week." Her crying is picking up the pace again. "She thinks I am disappointed in her, and that I don't want to help her." She shoves her face into my shoulder and starts crying even harder. She is still talking, but between the sobbing and the muffledness, hmmm, is that a word, I barely hear a thing. All I manage to get out of what she is saying is something about a 2 year old, and something else about a candy cane. Yup, sign me up for Women's Psyche 101.
"Shh, calm down honey. We will talk to her in the morning, okay? You both need some time to get your emotions in check." Oh please, let me have worded that right, I do not need to make her more upset.
"You are probably right." she says as she starts to dry off her face. "I just can't stand the thought of her spending another night thinking, thinking… that I think of her like that." She pauses, she is really racking her brain here. "No Harm, I have to go back in there and talk to her. Look at all the times waiting to talk screwed us up. I love her, I have to tell her." She looks up at me with those eyes, and I am melting. "If I would have just told you that when I felt it, look at all the time and misunderstandings we would have avoided."
Yup, she is going back in that room. Mattie's phone call with Jen doesn't compare to 9 years of misunderstandings. They need to talk. "Do you want me to go in there with you?"
"No, no. I can, I have to do this." She is staring at the floor. Ironic, huh? My big, bad Marine is nervous over a conversation with a teenager.
She takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. "Mattie? I am sorry Mattie, but this really can't wait until tomorrow." She walks back into the room. I send up a silent prayer, Please God, let them fix this.
Mattie's Head
Same time
"After how bad that phone call went though, I don't want to risk another conversation to end up like that Harm. Please?" This is not a complete lie, I do not see this conversation going well. Please Harm, please help me.
"You might be right Mats." I try so hard not to sigh as he turns toward Mac. "Come on Mac, I am sure sleeping on it won't hurt anything. Mattie needs some rest, and so do we."
As he starts to guide Mac to the door I start breathing again. I hear the door click shut and I fall back on the bed. I know that eventually she will want to discuss this, but maybe I have bought myself enough time to win her over. Maybe I can start helping out more around here. There are some things that I am capable of doing. I am getting pretty good about supporting myself with my crutches at my armpits with my arms still free. I should have thought of that, I can do dishes like that, and help with cooking, and wipe off the countertops. Starting tomorrow, I am pulling my weight around here. It is the least I can do.
Okay, so tomorrow I am going to try to make it up to Mac, and I need to call Jen and apologize to her. I hope she knows I was just upset. Maybe I should avoid Harm for a little while, would hate to upset him too.
As my brain starts to calm down I hear noises by my door. Harm and Mac are still standing by my door. I can hear their voices, but I can't make out the words. What are they saying? Maybe I should get up and see if I can hear anything. I swing my feet over the edge of the bed.
I am about to stand up when I hear Mac's voice. "Mattie? I am sorry Mattie, but this really can't wait until tomorrow."
I am sitting up as she opens the door and starts to come in. She looks shy. How is that possible? Mac is a Marine. She takes a deep breathe and starts "I, uh, about what you said earlier… I…"
I jump in, this conversation is going to be way to long and painful at this rate! "Don't worry about it Mac, I mean honestly, I would probably feel the same way. I mean, if I were, uh in your shoes and all."
"No Mattie. That is the problem, you don't understand." Ouch that hurt. I know that I am young, but I get that she wants time with Harm.
"Really, Mac, don't worry about it. Can we just forget that this night ever happened?" Do you think that I could get that lucky? "Tomorrow I am going to try to help you out more, pull my own weight, ya know."
"Mattie, just let me talk for a minute, okay?" I nod, great here it comes. "When Harm and I decided to get married, I knew that you were part of that deal. I didn't know you all that well, but Harm loved you, and well, I think I loved you just because I love him and he loves you. It is not like that anymore Mattie." Great, she has lived with me and now she doesn't love me? "I would like to think that we are atleast friends now. I no longer worry about what to say when Harm leaves and it is just you and I. I no longer feel awkward when you need help with something a little more personal, like getting out of the shower. I am comfortable with you. Do you know why that is Mattie?"
I don't know what to say to that. I am in awe that she thinks we are friends. I mean, she is amazing, and I am a crippled teenager that needed Harm to take me in.
I guess I waited too long to think of something to say, because she starts talking again. "Mattie, I feel like that because I love you. Not out of loyalty to Harm's love for you, but because I love you. I think you are amazing, Mattie. I am blown away everyday by how far you have come in such a short time, how well you handle yourself, how much you cheer me up just by being in my life. You are family to me Mattie. I am so sorry that you didn't know that." She pauses for a second and I am speechless. I am sitting here next to a women that is everything that I hope to be someday, strong, beautiful, smart, confident and she thinks I am amazing. Me, amazing. I think I just got butterflies in my stomach.
Mac's Head
Same time
"Mattie, I feel like that because I love you. Not out of loyalty to Harm's love for you, but because I love you. I think you are amazing, Mattie. I am blown away everyday by how far you have come in such a short time, how well you handle yourself, how much you cheer me up just by being in my life. You are family to me Mattie. I am so sorry that you didn't know that." I pause for a minute and sit down next to her, letting both of us process the conversation.
"You… you" She looks away from me kinda shy-like. "You really think I am amazing?"
The fact that she is so surprised that I feel this way about her breaks my heart. "Of course Mattie. You are so much more together than I was at your age."
"I have two really good influences, it helps." I can't help but smile.
"Mattie, you are the one with the courage to keep trying, and the drive to push yourself at this pace, and yet through it all you still stay upbeat. I mean it Mattie, I think you are amazing." I am going to have to say this a million times to make up for the fact that she didn't know. I will never let her forget it.
"Thanks Mac." She says as she leans in to hug me. It has all the awkwardness of a first time emotional breakthrough hug, but at the same time, it feels just right.
As she pulls away, I realize I need to clear one other thing up before I go. "Mattie, about what you said, about pulling your own weight and all. I want you to know that nothing could be further from the truth. I feel bad for admitting this, but neither Harm nor myself expected you to come so far so fast. Not only was I figuring on doing everything around here, I planned on doing a lot more for you. Since I don't have to, you really give me more free time than I had planned for." I give her a big smile, and hopes that she realizes just how true that is.
She smiles at me and I can tell she understands. We sit there for a minute before she speaks up, "I really am tired though Mac." I know she means it, I am exhausted too.
"Okay." I say as I get off the bed. "In the future though, I mean, if you're comfortable, maybe you could come to me, ya know, if something is bothering you. Especially if it is me. I want us to be friends, Mattie."
"Me, too." She says with the most sincere look on her face. I think my stomach just did a flip flop.
"Goodnight then." As I walk across the room I feel like a weight has just been lifted, maybe I will actually be able to sleep.
As I reach for the door knob, I hear Mattie start to talk. "For the record, I think you are amazing too, and I love you." She turns her head away from me as she finishes. I don't think teenagers are suppose to show that much emotion. Of course, until this precise moment, I didn't know a teenager could put me on cloud nine.
She loves me, too. Wow! Maybe I have a little more mom in me than I thought.
I had fun playing in everyone's head... but now they are going to bed now and I am not tired. Of course, staying in Mac's head while she goes to bed with Harm could be a lot of fun...