It's not very well known that, if you are extremely skilled, you can detect someone by hearing the noise they're not making.
When people especially skilled at sneaking are in "sneak mode", they actually make so little noise the decibels are measured in negative numbers. They can reduce the amount of natural noise in their immediate area through an aura of non-sound. This, in turn, can cause some people to sense them, not by hearing them, but by not hearing them. It's almost a separate sense than hearing, if used correctly, and many people can't. In the history of any given Earth, there are about two dozen people who could. Most are dead, or at least, not on Earth any more.
This was one of those people.
He crouched silently, sweat dripping off his face. The shadows of the rocky ceiling provided a lot of cover, but for how much longer, he didn't know. He watched in horror as a bead of sweat seeped through his mask and dropped the long, long distance toward the ground. It splashed, making an unnaturally loud noise. He winced as the microscopic echo lasted much longer than it should have had any right to, and then waited. Maybe she hadn't heard--
A blade swished through the air by his shoulder, so sharp he could feel the sting of the air current it created. Almost faster than his attacker could see, he raised his arm toward the opposite wall.
Thwipp.
Spider-Man swung across the cave, landing on all fours vertically on the opposite wall. The green-clad ninja leapt in pursuit, blades flashing unnaturally fast before her. Spider-Man rolled along the wall it was a horizontal surface, causing the ninja to miscalculate her trajectory and land, blades first, into the wall.
She hung there, blades sticking into the rock, trying to catch her breath. She looked at him, panting underneath her mask. Spider-Man looked back, face also masked, trying to decide what to do next.
"We don't have to fight, you know," he said cautiously. Neither of them moved for a second. Spider-Man suspected that her arms must be getting tired, and the ground was a long way away. "I can help you get down. I can get beneath you, and you can just drop." She seemed to agree, but a lifetime of mistrust made her pause.
"How do you know you won't kill me once I let go of my swords?" She asked.
"Lady, you're dangling helpless above a thirty-foot drop with almost no way to get down safely. If I wanted to kill you, I'd have left and let gravity take care of it."
"True," she replied, shrugging as best she could while hanging on for dear life. "I can climb up okay, but I was expecting your corpse to break my fall on the way down."
"I'm glad to know I was in somebody's plans for the future."
Spider-Man shot a web into the ceiling above the ninja's head and swung to a spot suspended just below her.
"C'mon, jump," he said.
"No," the ninja said, suddenly stern. Her voice took on an edge of steely resolve. "A ninja must find her own way. Rely on no one, for everyone always lets you down in the end."
"But isn't that what you want? To be let down?"
"No. I will figure a way down."
She was silent for a moment.
"How, exactly?" Spider-Man asked.
"I…I will attach a grapple line to the wall and rappel down."
"What grapple line?"
"I will jump off the wall and catch my blades in the rock on that side, then jump again until I can get to the bottom."
"The other side is about forty feet away. And it's all smooth rock on that side."
"I will…I will call my comrades for assistance."
"You just said a ninja must make her own w--"
"Enough!" the ninja yelled. "I will find a way down. I don't need help from a man with ropes coming out of his arms."
"Alright," Spider-Man said, lowering himself down on his 'ropes'. "It's your funeral."
The ninja looked at the wall, then the ceiling, then at Spider-Man, then caught sight of the distance to the ground, and instantly regretted it. She mumbled something.
"I'm sorry?" Spider-Man asked, stopping.
"I said I need help getting down," the ninja said.
"You'll have to speak up."
"I said I need help!"
"I heard you, no need to shout," the masked man said disapprovingly. "Okay, I'll catch you. Just drop."
The ninja looked down to Spider-Man's arms, and came to the conclusion that she didn't have a choice.
She let go of her swords and dropped.
She landed lightly in Spider-Man's arms, to her pleasant surprise.
As he lowered himself and the ninja down, he said, "So?"
"So what?"
"Usually, there's something people say when their lives get saved," Spider-Man said, setting the ninja on her feet on the ground. "Or do you not have that on this planet?"
"No, we don't."
"Oh, fine then."
The ninja began to walk away, and Spider-Man followed behind her.
"Why are you following me?" The ninja asked.
"I was hoping I could find out your name," Spider-Man said, stepping over a branch. They had entered a heavily forested area, and judging by the humidity, there was a swamp nearby. He didn't know what kind of crazy world he'd landed on, or why there seemed to be some incarnation of the ninja on every single planet, but he was determined to get some answers.
"That's none of your business."
"Moriko!"
The ninja cursed and looked in the direction of the new voice. A machete sliced through the thick underbrush, and following closely afterward was a man in a cowboy hat. He had some sort of cloak wrapped about him, and an ancient-looking rifle on his back. The man saw Spider-Man and stopped.
"Uhh…?" he asked.
"He assisted," Moriko said through clenched teeth, and stepped through the hole in the jungle created by the new man. Spider-Man shrugged and held his hand out to the man.
"Spider-Man, friend. Can I ask where I am? Physically speaking?"
"Erm…" the man said, looking from where Moriko had gone back to Spider-Man. "Y-y-you would p-p-probably have to t-talk to Ullar."
"Ullar?"
"He's our g-g-gen-gene….boss."
"Really?" Spider-Man said. General? There was some sort of war going on? That would explain why he was attacked on sight, actually… "Well, take me to your leader!"
*****
If Spider-Man hadn't been raised in New York, he might have been offended by the stares he got. It was a little weird, though. Back home, people worshipped the ground he walked on the few occasions he went out in public. When he saved someone's life, they panicked trying to thank him, but here…it was all crazy. Vaguely human creatures stared at him as he entered the camp. Snake things lurked in a pool of water nearby, half-seen. And to top it off, there was a dragon. A freakin' dragon. Just sitting there, curled like a cat, smiling a snaggle-toothed smile, watching him.
"Uhh…" Spider-Man said, catching up to the sniper. "What's going on here?"
"W-we're 'bout to meet up with J-j-Jandar and attack an enemy p-placement," the man stuttered.
"Uh-huh," Spider-Man said, getting a particularly nasty look from a particularly large snake. "Who is Jandar?"
"You'll have t-to ask Ullar," the sniper repeated.
Soon enough, he got the chance.
Spider-Man was led into a round room that looked as though it was grown from the plants around it. In the center was the table, and seated around it, from left to right, were Moriko, two winged men in rapt discussion, and someone Spider-Man knew very well.
"Cap!"
Captain America looked up and smiled.
"Parker!" he said happily. He stood up and shook Spider-Man's hand, then offered him a seat like an old friend. The two men looked up. One was blond and wore shining silver plate armor with gold trimmings, and blue pants underneath. He looked Spider-Man up and down and asked Captain America, "So this is your friend?"
"Yes," Cap said. "I knew he was here, just not where he was. Glad to see you again."
"Great to be here," Spider-Man said, leaning back in his chair. He leaned so far back the chair was balanced perfectly on two legs. Then he gave Moriko a look. "I almost wasn't, you know."
Moriko slunk further down into her chair, but the other winged man, dressed in green and silver, raised an eyebrow.
"Moriko attacked you?" he said. "Interesting. Usually, she has to tell us she attacked someone, because those she attacks don't live to say so. Anyway, I don't think we were formally introduced."
"Ah, yes," Cap said. He gestured to the blond man. "This is Jandar, and his friend is Ullar. They are two of the Generals of Valhalla."
"Hi," Spider-Man said. "I'm Spider-Man. Wait, Valhalla? Didn't Thor say something about that? Well, we can just call him up and have him mojo us back home, right?"
"As far as I can tell, this is a different Valhalla," Cap said, wincing.
"You don't mean…?"
"I'm 'fraid so. Alternate universe."
"Ugh, I hate alternate universes," Spider-Man said, rubbing his temples. "They always make my head hurt."
"Anyway, things are a bit complicated. I'll let Jandar explain."
"Thank you, Rogers," Jandar said, standing. He tapped the table, and little lights began to hover above it. Spider-Man looked closer, and saw they were bugs. Like little trained lightning bugs, they assembled themselves into a map like a constellation. Jandar cleared his throat and continued.
"Six years ago a Kyrie named Thormun--"
"Kyrie?" Spider-Man interrupted.
"Native people of Valhalla," Cap said.
"Yes," Jandar said. "Thormun stumbled upon what we now call the Wellsprings. They granted him amazing powers, not the least of which was visions. Visions of warriors from other worlds, locked in combat or waging war. He stopped drinking the Wellsprings, and so lost these visions, but others followed his lead."
He tapped the map again, and two men appeared, standing like colossi on the map, arms folding and staring each other down. One looked like Jandar, but the other was decidedly more sinister.
"Two Kyrie, myself and another named Utgar, drank of the Wellsprings, claiming their power for two very different ideals. I wanted to bring total peace to a land with tribal infighting, and Utgar wanted to conquer it. But these visions plagued us. What were they for, if not a warning, or a sign? A sign that these warriors were to be our armies. And so, we devised ways to summon these warriors from their home worlds on the event of their deaths to Valhalla, to fight for us."
He tapped the map again, and two armies of little figures crowded around each Kyrie's feet.
"Three more Generals drank of the Wellsprings, massing their own armies."
Three more Kyrie appeared on the map, standing so that they all were the same distance away from each other, with their own armies of little figures around their feet.
"For a time, we fought for control amongst ourselves, each not willing to give the other ground, even though the four of us, excluding Utgar, fought for nearly the same goal. Peace."
The armies massed together, as if waging war.
"But while we did so, Utgar's power grew to enormous proportions. And then I had another vision. This time, of a number of amulets. Objects of power that, in my vision, allowed Utgar to transport his troops, en masse, to the homeworlds of our warriors. That is why the other Generals and I formed an alliance; to isolate the devastation to one world only. This one."
Jandar sat and the glowing map disappeared. Then he sighed and rubbed his temple.
"There is no need to make other worlds suffer for our mistakes."
Spider-Man saw that 'I'm Captain America and I approve this valiant effort' look on Cap's face, and rolled his eyes beneath his mask.
"So you summoned us?" He said, putting out his arms to balance the chair on one leg. "Didn't you say you only summon people when they're about to die? Hah. Plenty of times to choose from, eh, Cap? But the thing is, I don't remember being about to die. In fact, I remember MJ, and a dinner, and a robbery, and some police, and a great evening, but not much else."
"That's just it," Cap said. "Neither do I. Jandar didn't summon us."
"Well, who did?"
"No one."
"So, by some weird cosmic coincidence the two of us are both in a crazy Viking afterlife where all kinds of summoning and war are going on?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Geez, where's Strange when you need him, huh?"
"And it's not just us. I know Banner is here, and I saw Doom."
"You sure?"
"Yes," Cap said gravely. "And Banner's very angry."
"I don't like him when he's angry."
"Nobody does."
"If I may interrupt, good sirs," Jandar said, standing. "Maybe this was a good thing. A child could see you two are great warriors. Why, Rogers has told me of your accomplishments, and you seem to be very able fighters. With only one common enemy from your world, you could easily defeat him and help us win this war!"
"Two problems," Spider-Man said. "One, Doom's not stupid enough to just be taken down by the two of us. It'd take Armageddon to shut him down permanently. In fact, I think he took Armageddon in the face once. And B, the Hulk's here, too. He's impossible to stop. We'd need to calm him down, and for that, we'd need an empath."
"This…Hulk," Ullar said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Is the Banner Rogers mentioned, correct? The large green beast?"
"Yes," Cap said, leaning on the table and gesturing with his hands. "Normally, he's a human, and a rather slim one at that. He once was a scientist who was trying to develop a technology that--"
"Oh, technology," Ullar said dismissively. "I could never understand it. Just skip forward, if you please."
"Alright. Well, when he gets angry or agitated, he transforms into the Hulk. The only way to get him to transform back is to calm him down, usually with whatever empath was handy back on Earth."
"An empath…" Jandar said. "We may have an empath here on Valhalla."
Spider-Man let his chair down on all four legs.
"Why does that not surprise me?" he said. "Where is he? Imprisoned in the Mountains of Doom guarded by the Cyclops of Evil, which is surrounded by the Valley of No Return?"
"No," Jandar said, staring at Spider-Man, eyebrow cocked. "She is in my fortress. After a very…strange series of events she was promised permanent sanctuary from war. She will not take being called into battle lightly."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Spider-Man said. He got to his feet and stretched. "Let's get to that fortress."
"I'm not scheduled to leave for a week yet," said Jandar, rubbing his temples. "After the siege."
"Siege?"
"Our Valkyrie friends are planning a siege of an enemy fortress," said Captain America. "Held by Utgar. I was thinking of helping out. I couldn't ask you to participate in a war you know hardly anything about."
"You don't have to, Cap," Spider-Man said. "I trust your judgment to the ends of the universe. Been there too many times to think otherwise."