Violence Disclaimer: None really…
Copyright 2000 by Mythe. All rights reserved.
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XANDER:(whining) Awww…do I have too?
BUFFY: (rolls eyes) If I have to buy condoms that glowing-the-dark, then you can pick up a package of pads.
XANDER: (whispers) but it's maxi pads…for you know-
BUFFY: Duh…it's not like their used or anything else. (pushes him towards the paper isle) Now, be a man a grab a package…oh the scented ones, please.
XANDER: (blushing) Fine.
He stomps down the isle and bee-lined it to the feminine needs. His eyes widen at the sight of vast choices, shaking his head.
XANDER: GADS!!! (reading them) Long…super…thin…overnight…shields, powdered scented (stutters) Ta-ta-tampons? (thinking aloud) They stick them up-
A beautiful tanned woman, DAWN approaches him. She brushes her curly red tresses from her gray eyes and plasters a mischievous smirk. Carrying a basket half full of health food and two cans of hairspray.
DAWN: Hey good lookin'!
XANDER: Yeah… (spun around and takes gander at the gorgeous babe) Oh, hello.
DAWN: You look like you need some help.
Xander leans coolly against the shelf and inevitably knocking packages of pads to the ground.
XANDER: Sorry… (picks them up) Trying to pick the right one.
DAWN: (giggles) Well, what does your girlfriend want?
XANDER: (shakes head) Friend…not my girlfriend.
DAWN: (takes a mental note) I prefer ultra thin- (lowers voice) So, no one knows I'm on it. It's a fashion foopa if people can see one walking like a penguin. (wrist gesture) How dreadful.
XANDER: (blushes) I never thought…
Buffy tossed a package of condoms into her basket, sped around the corner and CRASHED into another shopper.
A dark spiky haired chick, wearing a Xena t-shirt, cutoff jean shorts and pair of beat-up combat boots was in the process of turning a corner as well.
XENA FAN: (growling) WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!!
BUFFY: Sorry…I didn't mean-
XENA FAN: (recognizing her) Wait…are you-
BUFFY: (nodding) Yes, I am.
XENA FAN: Kool… (leaning on cart) I read in a rag that you're having Angel's baby. Like is that true?
BUFFY: No…way.
XENA FAN: Is it true that Faith's your secret lover?
BUFFY: (rolls eyes) I've gotta go… (pushes cart away) Bye.
XENA FAN: Xena and Gab are like totally out. (calls out) BE FREE!!!! OPEN THAT DOOR!!!
By the snack isle, a table had been set up for free samples. It had a large plate filled with tiny wieners with toothpicks in them. A bored SAMPLE PERSON was repeatedly STABBING a defenseless wiener. She blew her neon blue hair from her brown eyes and began to make a tiny sculpture out of her product.
Xander, carrying a large economy package of Maxi pads was joking with Dawn as they approached the sample table.
XANDER: I just can't thank you enough for helping me back there.
DAWN: (places an assuring hand upon his shoulder) No problem sweetie. (winks) I'd help you anytime. (notices the wieners) Oh…how cute!
XANDER: Huh? (sees the wieners) Okay…
DAWN: (takes a wiener) I just love wieners! (seductively takes a bite from it) Hummmm…
SAMPLE PERSON: (apathetically greets, without looking up) Thanks, for trying Don Don's smoked wieners. (lowers voice) Made here in the good olde' state of misery.
DAWN: Cheer up, little sister!
SAMPLE PERSON: (raises a brow) Thanks, Sir-(catches herself) I mean Ma'am. (stares at the guy and shakes head) Wieners are a big part of the food group. Come on, buy a bag and you won't regret it.
DAWN: (takes a bag) Sure darlin'. (nudges Xander) It's a fulfilling snack.
XANDER: (grins) I guess…it's better than those damn snack bars. (takes a bag)
SAMPLE PERSON: (smirks) Thanks for takin' the time to try our special wieners.
XANDER: (whispers) What's in them anyway?
SAMPLE PERSON: (leans over) Do you really want to know?
XANDER: (realizes what could be in it) Ahh…I guess not.
SAMPLE PERSON: Hey…do you know-
DAWN: (pulls him away from the girl) Let's go…we still have to go by the fruit section.
XANDER: Okay…
Buffy is in the snack isle taking four boxes of Twinkies and placing them in the cart, next to the two large bags of Kisses, a gallon of Rocky road, chips and a package of 36 rolls of toilet paper.
BUFFY: (checks her list) Stuff to make sandwiches…bread. (grabs two loafs) Now, some kind of meat product. (remembering her partner) Where in the world is he?
A Spider Monkey rushes by, KNOCKING over a display of Ding Dongs. Sending the packages sliding across the linoleum floor.
BUFFY: What the…
A BUTCHER: (chasing after it, with a large mallet) COME BACK HERE!!!
BUFFY: (grossed out) EWWWWWW!!!
Xander and Dawn are at the Melon display. She's teaching him how to feel up the Melons.
DAWN: It must be firm, but not too firm.
XANDER: (squeezing it) Like this?
DAWN: (nods) Yeah…perfect. (grins) You're a natural…I bet you're a good with your hands.
XANDER: (grins) That's what everyone tells me.
DAWN: (leans over) How about you and me-
BUFFY: (grumbles) Xander, why are you feeling up the Melons?
XANDER: (blushes and releases it) Dawn was teaching me how to choose the ripe ones.
BUFFY: (assesses the red head) I bet…
INTERCOM VOICE: Attention shoppers, our special meat steaks are ready in the butcher shop. Please come by and pick your choice cuts before you leave. Thank you!
DAWN: (kisses Xander on the lips) Until later… (stuffs her number in his pocket) Call me. (exits)
XANDER: (in awe) Wow…ne-never met a woman like that.
BUFFY: (rolls eyes) Xander…do you have a clue or do you always think with your other head?
XANDER: (getting it) Hey! I don't say anything about your lover boy (gestures) Dawn is sweet gal. (tosses the package of pads and wieners in cart)
BUFFY: (stares at the large package) My god! Did you get the largest one?
XANDER: Dawn says one should always be prepared. (shrugs) They're scented and thin.
BUFFY: (pushes cart towards the checkout) Dawn is a guy.
XANDER: Huh? That pretty thing? (shakes head) Nah…no way, we make a perfect couple.
BUFFY: Did ya notice his Adam's apple. (lowers voice) The roomies are gonna love this…Xander's seeing a drag queen! (cracks up laughing)
Xander: (realizing it) No way… (look of disgust) Was it?
BUFFY: (nodds) I'm afraid so. XANDER: (takes her number and shreds it) Grosse!!!! (wipes mouth off with his hand) Ewwwww….YUCK!
Buffy and Xander load the car up with their groceries and get in.
BUFFY: Remind me not to shop here again.
XANDER: Only if you point out the Queens next time.
BUFFY: (starts the car) Deal…but I though you two made a perfect couple.
XANDER: Funny…