On this Island- Chapter 1

This jet is an expensive one. I guess all jets are expensive but this one is first class. I can tell by the lack of motion and the fact that I can only hear a very slight thrumming noise that lets me know we are in motion. I'm tired, exhausted really, but I can't sleep because of all the anxiety tearing my stomach apart. Across the room from me Liam is stretched out on a couch snoring quietly, his hand thrown over his eyes in an effort to drown out the soft lighting of the room. Woody has already retired to one of the private compartments for the night and Francis and Nina are settled around a small round table speaking in low voices as to not wake the others.

Josh sits in the chair next to me pretending to be asleep so that I don't feel bad about keeping him up. He doesn't want to leave me alone in case I want to talk. I don't want to leave him alone because I know what no one else does; that he will be just as lonely as I am once we get back to LA. At the moment I am not sure who is keeping the vigil, me or him. I am more to blame for my loneliness than he is his. I am the most eligible bachelorette in the country. I could go out any night with anyone but nothing ever feels right. My dates feel forced and awkward on my part and usually end with me sitting alone in my kitchen drinking. Josh has found the love of his life. Unfortunately for him she lives in Spain and they don't see each other often. He complains about it constantly but at least he has Skype. The closest thing I have had to intimacy in a while is sex toys and porn.

I am bitching about my life again and I hate that which puts me in an even more pissy mood. I have nothing to complain about. I am young, healthy, talented and rich. Everyone wants to be me. That doesn't make me feel any better though. I can't shake the sinking feeling that the Hunger Games were the best thing that will ever happen in my life and now it is over. When we finished shooting a year ago I just felt numb. I couldn't even comprehend that the family I had spent years building and growing with would soon be disbanding. Josh and Liam assured me that everything would be cool and that we would hang out all the time. Everyone told me that I had even bigger and better projects coming. What I had coming was hours and hours of endless work with strangers who care less about me than the insane press who I swear do everything they can to ensure that I have to live in a virtual prison.

I close my eyes tight and wish it all away. No, I have to face that this is my life now. I am J-Law, America's favorite down to earth, girl next door, Hollywood movie actress that makes more money in a day than they will in a year and who wears dresses that cost more than their college education. I don't even realize I have the arm rest in a death grip until Josh covers my hand with his own. It is warm and steady and so familiar that I relax and look up at him. I can see the concern on his face, the worry that I am not doing as well as I play for the cameras. I know it is pathetic but I turn my hand over and interlace our fingers. He has always been my rock and I need his support and comfort tonight. He was famous long before me so as all this craziness has escalated over the last few years he has always been so calm. He always knows what to do.

That is one thing I know is never going to change. I can count on him and Liam no matter what. I am just not sure what that will really look like in my life a few years down the road. Josh has Claudia and I know even though the public does not that Liam has Miley again. I hate it when the press asks me in interview after interview to choose which guy I would like to be with in real life. They know I hate it and they ask anyway because they don't know why I hate it. They think that I fear hurting one of their feelings or their heart throb image. What they don't understand is that they both had their chance with me and they both chose someone else. It might be a stretch to say Josh has had his chance with me. We have been best friends since maybe week two of knowing each other and now we are like family but we have never been single at the same time and I have always refused to think about him that way. It is too risky. In this business the second you starting screwing someone is the second you start losing them.

Liam and I have kissed a few times but it really came to nothing. We have a good easy friendship and I love him very much and he is super-hot but being together one on one without Josh or Woody feels strange. It is like our relationship requires the context of others. We went on a few dates and found that all we ever did was talk about our mutual friends so we decided that is what we should stay. That and I could not shake the feeling that I was cheating on Josh somehow. Which is ridiculous since Josh is like my brother.

Josh is like my brother, Josh is like my brother, Josh is like my brother. I have said it in interviews plenty of times but I have said it in my own head a lot more. It is not exactly untrue but I feel like if it was completely true I wouldn't have to forcibly say it so often. My feelings for him are hard to explain. We are not romantic but it is not because of a lack of certain feelings for him it is because of the presence of too many conflicting ones. When I met Claudia last summer in New York I have to admit that my heart twisted in my chest. She is beautiful and charming and Josh absolutely adores her. I went home and drank until I vomited all over my bathroom floor and cried myself to sleep. I have examined my reaction a few times since then to try to determine if I am jealous because I want a close relationship too or if I am jealous because I want that relationship to be with him.

I don't like the idea of Liam and Miley getting back together either but that is mostly because I don't like being the only single one and because she is such a weirdo. He can do better and Josh thinks so too. He calls her Smiley Virus when Liam isn't around and it makes me laugh. Maybe I have been projecting like some of our ridiculous fans but somehow I thought at the end of this road that one of them would want me. I clearly have poor judgement when it comes to the feelings of men though. I thought Nick loved me too and the whole world can see where that went. Josh and Liam aren't like him though; they really do care about me. I look at Josh's hand in mine. I don't want him to be my boyfriend. That would be way too scary. I just want things to stay the way they are forever. I want us to travel on these tours and make more movies and play and have fun together. I want to stay up all night in the trailer talking about nonsense. I want to fight with him over stupid stuff all the time because I know he loves me enough that it doesn't matter.

I shouldn't be having these thoughts. I am a horrible friend. I should be happy that he has a great future ahead of him. It is just hard to imagine a future in which he grows older, gets married, has babies and I am not a part of it. All of that growing and changing means that someday I will just be an old friend that he talks to from time to time about the good old days. I should just be happy that I have had him at all. I open my eyes and take him in. Then I look at Liam and Francis and I think of Woody too. I usually think that I am nothing like Katniss Everdeen but I do think we have one thing in common. We definitely do not deserve the great men that we have in our lives. This is the last thought that I have before finally falling asleep.

I wake to the feeling of my stomach dropping out of my body and to the sound of Nina's scream. I open my eyes and see Liam flying off of the couch and I grasp tightly to Josh's hand. He is waking too and reflexively pulls me to his lap. I should be terrified but I honestly have no time to even realize what is happening. His arms closing around me is the last thing I feel before my whole world is obliterated by the impact.

Wind. I can hear wind. I should not be able to hear wind. I am in a plane coming home from the press tour for Mockingjay Part 2 with my friends. If I can hear wind it means that I am not in the plane and I know that we have not landed yet. I can feel sand beneath my hands. That is how I know that I am dreaming. There is no sand on an airplane. I must have fallen asleep and I am dreaming of a windy beach. I am afraid to open my eyes so I call Josh's name. That is when I realize how badly I am hurt. Just the effort of speaking causing a searing pain to spread through my whole body and settle in my head. I black out again.

When I come to the second time I hear the ocean. It reminds me of filming in Hawaii and I allow a smile to spread across my face. That is when I know something is wrong. My face is hurt. I touch it and force my eyes open and I see blood. I start panicking at the knowledge that I am hurt and no one has helped me. If I had gotten hurt on set someone would have helped me. For a sickening moment I think that I may have hurt myself on purpose. I have thought of it many times and done it a few but I know I would never have cut my face like this. It is too painful and too public. I hear the ocean again and when I look up my world shatters.

I am lying next to the wreckage of an enormous airplane. I sit in shock for what might be a few minutes or half the day. The plane has gone down I shout in my mind. I can't believe it. When the disbelief begins to subside that is when the urgency comes to the surface. If I can move I need to get the others out. They could be hurt even worse than I am. I am relieved to find that I can stand and I ignore any other injuries I have and charge into the wreckage. The plane is broken into two pieces and I go to the front first since it is closer. The pilot and co-pilot must have known we were going down and saw it all to the terrible end as their facial expressions reflect horror even in death.

I am shaking as I turn and stumble in to the second part of the shell and it is completely surreal when I see three bodies lying face down on the floor. I want to turn and run but I can't. I scream their names over and over but only stillness and silence return my cries. I force myself to come closer and I touch each one in turn to find them lifeless and stiff. When the full realization hits me that Liam is dead I cover my mouth with both hands and scream hysterically. I fall to the ground crying and my hand touches his face and when I feel how cold it is I get to my feet and run. I don't know where I am going only that I cannot be with his corpse. I make it only a small distance when I fall headlong over something on the ground. I whip around to find that it is a charred body. I look at the ashes that surround the skeleton and I breathe some of it in on the air. I cough and realize that I have just ingested someone that I love. I have a moment of complete insanity staring at the skull. I don't know who it is and I don't know if I am alone in this hell. I vomit on the ground and don't even register when I fall into it.

The only thing that keeps me from taking my own life right then and there is the fact that I have only found six bodies. Someone is still missing. I need to find them and make sure that there is nothing else I can do. Some part of me hopes that they are dead so I can join them without any misgivings. I am weeping openly now and stumbling around blindly trying to find the last body. I need to hold it together long enough to stop crying so that I can see clearly. I try to bring something calming to mind and remember Josh's arms holding me. He didn't do it often but he would if I was really struggling like when Nick broke up with me or after Phil died. I bring the sensation to mind and am able to slow my breathing slightly. That is when I remember that he was holding me right before the crash. His body was likely close to mine.

I was paying no attention to where I was when I ran into the wreckage before but I am able to follow a dripping blood trail back to where I was. I scream his name but get no answer. I search the surrounding area calling for him over and over but I only hear the ocean waves crashing against the shore. I am starting to wonder if I will ever find him or if he has somehow been washed out to sea when I hear a slight murmur almost directly beneath me. I pull back a few pieces of metal and I see him. He flinches in pain and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. He is badly injured and suffering but he is alive. He is alive and I am not alone.

I clear everything off of him and begin to examine his injuries. I am not sure where he may be damaged internally but all I can see is a large gash in his arm which is bleeding steadily. The bleeding is not heavy but he has been here for a while. If I do not stop the flow soon he will be dead. I rip off my shirt and tie it tightly around his arm. I do a quick once over on myself as well because if I am badly injured and don't make it Josh won't either. He is going to need someone to care for him. Luckily, all the cuts and bruises that I find will likely heal on their own. I feel like I have been hit by a truck and my head throbs but I am not seeing double and now that I have something to do I am not as nauseated. I search in the immediate area and find my bag. I don't need any of the stupid makeup I brought with me but I do have a couple of small bottled waters in there. I take one and get Josh to take a couple of small sips and I drink from it as well.

I sit beside him a while just rubbing my hand across his back and marveling that he survived. It is not until the temperature drops that I realize that the sun is setting lower in the sky. The cool ocean breeze teases the hair on my bear arms and I begin to shiver a little. Josh is delirious and keeps muttering my name over and over. I try to sooth him but he won't calm down and he won't wake up. Part of me wants him awake so that he can tell me what to do but part of me doesn't want him to ever wake because I can't bring myself to tell him that our friends are dead. Instead, I find a piece of cloth nearby and cover us both and I snuggle against him. He is warm and he smells like Josh and the combination of the two along with the toll the most horrific day of my life has taken on me mercifully causes sleep to overtake me.