Chapter 1: Cold Winds, Blow

I felt their approach to my office long before they even turned the corner and opened the inner doors for them. I had been anticipating their visit for no small while now but was unsure what their choice would be. I rather expected them to ask to leave together and never return, something I dearly hoped they would not do. I was about to find out, though.

I heard them enter and looked up to find Zekk and Jaina standing respectfully, stances alike, waiting for my acknowledgement. Nodding for them to sit, I asked what I might do for them. I put on my "Master" face and waited for them to tell me what was troubling them. I didn't have to wait long.

"We wish to leave."

My heart sank as low as I thought it possibly could at Zekk's statement. They had chosen then, and it took all of my Jedi training not to plead with my niece and her, well, and Zekk… something that I knew they would not understand in their current state.

"You are not a prisoner here. Why are you asking?"

"We wish to leave the Order," Jaina clarified.

I was wrong. Now my heart was in my boots.

"We? As in Jaina Solo and Jedi Zekk? Or 'we' as in JainaTaat and ZekkTaat?" An unfair question, I know, but I needed to hear their reasoning. If it was as I feared then there was no point in trying to stop them from leaving our lives forever, as painful as that would be. They merely shrugged.

"We are-"

"-what we are."

"And why do 'we' wish to leave?" I pressed. They turned first to one another and then to me and I was careful to hide the shiver I felt at their movements that so precisely mirrored one another. Even now, a month after their return from Taat, they still moved as one. It was discouraging to watch these two slide further down that path even as the other Joiners showed signs of improvement. I was very much afraid that we reached them too late and their choice seemed to confirm my fears, at least on the surface.

Together they began, "It is-"

"-difficult," Zekk finished. After a moment they lowered their eyes and he continued. "We feel everything Jaina feels and it is uncomfortable for us. We are never alone."

I sat back, stunned and trying very hard not to show it. He is referring to Jaina's feelings for Jag! I tried to imagine myself having to experience Mara's feelings for a lover every minute of every day. I couldn't even bring myself to face the thought. I realized that Jaina was continuing their speech, following them was confusing at times.

"But we are lonely."

"We are part of each other," this from Zekk's mouth.

"But we are not whole," Jaina said mournfully.

"We wish our freedom," they said together with a conviction that truly surprised me.

"But we must leave to learn how again. It is too hard here." They looked intently at me as Jaina concluded their explanation.

I knew, of course, that there was more to it. No one in the Temple was comfortable with them with the possible exceptions of my son (not something Mara and I were thrilled about, I assure you) and Jacen and they knew it. We all tried to understand, though, for their sakes. None of this mattered then, however. My relief was so great that, despite the seriousness of the situation, I could have laughed out loud. They want to leave separately! That was better than I hoped for.

"Permission denied." I said, very firmly.

As they both narrowed their eyes in identical expressions of outrage, I did laugh. It was probably a bad idea since it only angered them further but I didn't care. While Joiners made me uncomfortable, I had more than enough experience with rebellious teenagers to make the rest of this a walk in the park. That they were somewhat older now made no difference to me. Grinning, I told them that I had missions for both of them and sat back in my chair to await their response.

They cocked their head at an unnatural angle and clicked in the backs of their throats, I assume communicating with one another, before responding thoughtfully.

"We would be apart? And away? But still part of the Temple Hive."

Their choice of words in that last statement made my stomach sour but I merely nodded at them.

"We accept."

"Good." I said with a genuinely cheerful smile on my face before getting down to business.

Somewhat more seriously I turned to my lost niece. "Jaina, you will go to Zonama Sekot and work with the Chiss. You will help them uncover the deceptions of the Dark Nest and allow them to see that not all Joiners are to be hated and feared and that, perhaps, there is still hope for their lost ones. Jaina," I said this gently and made sure she understood, "Jag will be there, too."

They sat back, silent, save for the clicking they didn't even seem to be aware of. It was clear that they did not expect this assignment and were not happy with it. Finally they spoke with Zekk's voice.

"We are pleased to see Jag again but we do not trust the other Chiss. We fear for our," Zekk paused and said with no small effort, "her safety."

"She will be under the guardianship of Sekot itself and I am sending Kyp with her as well. You need not fear for her safety."

"When do we," she swallowed, "I leave?"

Jaina hadn't made me privy to her fears since the war and for her to show any sign of fear now made me believe that she was terrified. Surely not of the Chiss, though? Probably the stress of being away from Zekk.

"Tomorrow morning."

Turning to Zekk, I experienced another moment of doubt about the mission I was about to burden this young Jedi with. I just didn't have many choices in the matter at hand.

"Alema can still be saved."

Zekk merely nodded but Jaina's eyes snapped back up like she had been struck. "We are not interested in suicide missions!" That was encouraging. They very rarely acted out of sync. I focused on Zekk as he began to speak again.

"We are not sure we are strong enough." It was a simple statement and chilling in what it implied. "We are very lonely. We despair of never being alone again. We despair of losing Jaina forever. We despair of falling again because the Dark Nest will accept us."

As I regarded this broken young man before me I wondered at the capriciousness of the Force because I knew that he was Alema's only chance. And, by the same token, she was his chance at healing completely. Force knows that if anyone deserved healing, it would be Zekk. I just wish he would realize it.

"Your heart is stronger than you know, Zekk. Your doubt is all that clouds your judgment." Softer, I added, "I know that the shadow still calls but you can be a light against the darkness, Zekk. You will be whole someday."

I stood at a respectful distance, watching the scene unfold before me. Kyp was packing up the last of their things in his ship Goddess, trying very hard to give them some privacy while Zekk and Jaina "said" goodbye. It occurred to me that this mission would be straining for Kyp, too. He and Jaina had become very close in the last years of the war and he loved her fiery temper and independent mood swings. I know he missed their talks. I also knew that, while it was a lot to ask of Kyp, he could do it. Jaina's friendship had changed him from the angry young man he once was to a confident, smiling adult. Oh, he still has a twisted sense of humor but then, so does Han. With that I returned my attention to Zekk and Jaina.

There were no words to be heard but the tears in Jaina's eyes as she caressed his forearm lightly, and then his face, spoke volumes. The way Zekk's eyes closed at her touch was quiet poetry. I lingered, enjoying the bittersweet moment because I was beginning to understand the courage this single act of separation required of them. It was clear that they were loathe to leave one another and I couldn't imagine the price they would pay to achieve their freedom once more, if it was even possible. They are stronger than many know but this trial will be harder than anything they have ever faced and they know it. I was beginning to know, too, and I could only stand amazed. Eventually Zekk bent down and gave Jaina a chaste kiss on her forehead and stepped backward. In a low voice he began to sing.

The cold wind carries us far from our nest,

The cold wind sweeps us where it may.

Cold wind, bear us out of danger,

Cold wind, carry us home again.

A chill ran down my spine as Jaina's voice joined his before turning abruptly and striding up the ramp of the awaiting vessel. Just like that, she was gone. I couldn't help but hope, again, that I had done the right thing. This felt right, though, and I had to trust that.

Zekk left early the next morning alone and without incident. I know Jacen offered to go with him. I encouraged him to accept the help and take a starfighter as well but, in the end, Zekk refused both. His only companion was San-ah, his seedship from Zonama Sekot. She was a marvelous creature with beautiful red and earth-tone swirls on her hull-skin and I worried for her but I trusted Zekk's judgment in this. I had to. This was his destiny, not mine.

The Killik Traveling Song is quoted from Troy Denning's The Joiner King.