Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, or even the fricking computer that I'm typing on right now (I'm at school, I didn't steal it, I swear!)

Very sorry if I used your penname. I did a search and nobody by the name of "kykin sexi gurli" turned up. It will freak me out if you ever named anybody by the name of the Mary-Sue mentioned in this fic. So don't sue me.

"Come one, come all, to a great showdown of the most talented writers in all of Who Wants to be a Millionaire Harry Potter Edition! This week, kynki sexi gurli tests her vast knowledge of Harry Potter!" shouts Regis Philbin.

A girl wearing ultra low-rise jeans and what appears to be a hankerchief covering her midriff swaggers into the room. The audience is captivated by her amazing beauty: boys shriek like young girls, and an old lady faints after screeching, "Damn, she's shit-hawt!" Kynki sexi gurli is an Animagus, Metamorphmagus (she somehow learned how to be one, even though its impossible), can do wandless magic, and is more powerful than Dumbledore, Voldemort, Merlin, and Harry combined.

"hey, wutsup sexi" she asks Philbin.

"Uh, I'm fine. How are you?" Regis wipes the drool collecting at the corners of his mouth, puts his eyes back in his head, and a crew member comes in with a car jack to reattach his jaw.

"im lyke totily good"

"Uh, right. Let's get on with the show." The lights do that cool swishy thing they do when the game starts.

"First question. For $500, how many years are there in Hogwarts? Is it a, one hundred; b, ten; c, seven; or d, as long as it takes for someone to get in bed with Amadalia Maleena Estanya Jasina Semena Latina Gareena Resteena Black Snape Potter Malfoy Lupin Riddle Weasley Dumbledore McGonagall Granger Thomas Jordan Longbottom Lovegood Flitwick Finnagan Moody Figg?" Regis is completely out of breath.

"is it lyke d"

"Is that your final answer?"

"yah. D, as long as it taykes 4 sum1 2 get in bed w/ Amadalia Maleena Estanya Jasina Semena Latina Gareena Resteena Black Snape Potter Malfoy Lupin Riddle Weasley Dumbledore McGonagall Granger Thomas Jordan Longbottom Lovegood Flitwick Finnagan Moody Figg"

"That's correct! Somehow, you've won five hundred Galleons!"

"lyke rele lyke ialwyas wanted 500 gallons of lyke soda"

Regis sighs.

"Next question: For 1,000 Galleons, who are Harry's parents? Are they a, James and Lily; b, Lily and Snape; c, Lily and Harry; or d, Dumbledore and…(Regis pauses as he stares at the card in awe) Hagrid?"

"well lyke ive saw al off thos pears kin I lyke fone a friend"

"I suppose…" Regis raises an eyebrow.

"im lyke gonna call hari he shud no hes lyke hari putter"

Regis flips through his rulebook to see if it is legal to call a made-up character to ask him who his parents are.

"Uh, Harry? This is Regis Phil—"

"Yo, Harry here. I like, can't come to the phone right now, but if you, like, leave a message after the like, beep thing, I'll get back to you. So, remember, like, I'm hawt." Beep.

"Wait…why does Harry speak in a stupid American teenager dialect? More importantly, why the hell does he have a PHONE!"

"well duh evry1 has lyke a fone"

"…not wizards…"

"u meen haris a wizzer o boi i wud lyke luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv 2 c his wand & i dont meen lyke a magic stik eethr"

"OK…I think we've heard enough for today…Do you have an answer?"

"it d-pnds on da fic…hari & lili r lyke poopuar 4 thyme trravlel fics. i no its not lyke jaimes & lili…whoever herd off that pearing…and lili ans snaip is uber-sexi lyke me…and ive saw dmdlore higrda 2"

"That's correct! All but Lily and James is correct!"

"lyke yay"

"Next question…for 2,000 Galleons…How do you spell Hermione Granger's name? Is it a, hermines; b, it changes every time; c, Hermione; or d, 'it's Mia dammit!'?"

"well dats e-z. d. its mia dammit"

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The correct answer is b, it changes every time. It's a tough one, I know."

"aw…i dont wiin neting"

"Nope, I'm sorry."

Kynki sexi gurli cries as she walks off the stage.

"Well folks, that's all for now. Next time, don't miss cUtXsAdXdIeDiEdIe as she shows off her knowledge of Harry Potter!"

Does anybody know how much it kills me to write like kynki sexi gurli?