A/N: Hello all! This story somewhat follows 19x8 Intent; however, for the sake of the plot let's just pretend that the timeline happens closer to New Year's Eve. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A cold gust of wind hit Amanda square in the face and she turned up her collar in response, tugging her too thin jacket tighter around herself. She knew it was far past time to break out her winter coat, but she always delayed in doing so. As much as she loved New York she still missed some things about Georgia, namely the mild winters.
Amanda shuffled past another crowd of excited party goers-a group of young ladies in metallic dresses huddled together for warmth as they wobbled down the sidewalk in their too-high heels. A faint smile crossed Amanda's face as she remembered those days of her own.
Shrugging off her nostalgia, Amanda's frozen fingers groped for the entrance of the tiny but packed bar. Warmth enveloped her the moment she stepped through the door and she exhaled in relief, grateful to be out of the cold.
The bar was filled with unknown faces and Amanda felt at ease. This tavern wasn't one she usually frequented, but right now she craved anonymity. A heavy cloud of cigarette smoke lingered in the air and the dim lighting made the inebriated patrons even more obscure, but Amanda couldn't care less. She was here with the sole intention of getting drunk and at this point anyplace that served alcohol would suffice.
Amanda reached up to unwind the scarf from her neck as she edged towards the counter. Her week had begun decently, but it had gone downhill fast and now she had every intention of drowning her sorrows until the past ceased to be a memory.
She was halted on her approach by a tall and heavily intoxicated man who staggered towards her, narrowly avoiding knocking them both over. He managed to right himself, slurring an apology as he made his way to the door. Amanda scowled at the man's retreating form, not so much bothered by the man's actions but rather by his appearance. He bore a strong resemblance to the reason she was at the bar in the first place.
Carisi.
Amanda's thoughts trickled back to the last time she had been in a bar. She was with Carisi, having more fun than she had had in a long time. He was one of the few people that she felt comfortable enough around to share stories of her past with. She thought the night had ended well with both of them riding the high of their bar brawl. She was so at ease that she was completely taken aback when he moved in closer.
Amanda plopped down on an empty stool in front of the bar while reaching up to unzip her jacket. She knew he was disappointed when she rejected him, but his confession had truly surprised her. She only thought of him as a friend, and up until that moment she thought the sentiment was mutual.
It was rare that she had a close friend whose only benefit was friendship, which is what made being with Carisi so refreshing. It was the one relationship in her life that she hadn't managed to fuck up, until now.
Groaning, Amanda swiveled around to face the bartender and ordered a beer. As she idly jostled her leg whilst waiting she couldn't help but wonder if it happened because of something she did. She knew they spent more time together than coworkers normally did, but that was because they were good friends, right?
Images of the two of them going out for drinks alone after work, having dinner in each other's apartments, and sitting side by side watching trashy reality tv floated through Amanda's head and doubts flooded her. Perhaps she was too friendly and somehow gave him the wrong idea.
Amanda pondered for a moment reexamining her actions for any minute hints she may have given off that signaled her interest. However, after a minute she shook her head in frustration refusing to take the blame.
She thought she made it clear that she only thought of him as a friend. Hadn't she been supportive of his relationship with Aria? She teased him of course, but it was all good-natured, she really was happy for him. Didn't she emphasize that she considered him to be the brother she never had? She had told him how glad she was that Jesse had a loving uncle to look after her.
Amanda sighed as she absentmindedly picked at the label on the bottle. It didn't matter what she thought. Now that she knew how he felt, surely that changed things. She doubted that he'd let the matter drop; he was annoyingly persistent like that sometimes.
Although she knew he was probably feeling worse than her right now, Amanda couldn't help being upset at Carisi for complicating the easy relationship they had.
Amanda sat up straighter and glanced down, frowning at the beer in her hand. She needed a stronger drink. That was the whole point of being here, to drink until she forgot; at least for a while.
Signaling to the bartender, Amanda smiled gratefully as he slid a glass of whiskey in front of her. Wrapping her fingers around the cool glass, Amanda rested her elbow on the bar and gazed around, casually surveying the patrons.
Despite how packed it was, the tavern was seemingly devoid of couples. The dismal atmosphere was hardly an ideal location for a romantic rendezvous, especially on New Year's Eve; a main reason Amanda had sought out this place.
The blonde brought the glass to her lips and froze. One lone figure in particular caught her eye and Amanda narrowed her gaze trying to figure out why they stood out to her.
A brunette woman was sitting hunched over at the end of the bar, cradling a beer. Amanda took a moment to let her eyes sweep appreciatively over her frame until the woman shifted and Amanda caught a glimpse of her face.
Shit! Amanda fumbled with her drink, nearly dropping the glass. As the figure of Olivia Benson came into focus Amanda could only curse her luck. Of all the bars she could have walked into, it had to be this one. Amanda toyed with the idea of sneaking out before her boss saw her, wanting to be alone with her problems.
She dropped a few crumpled bills on the counter and was halfway off the bar stool when instinct made her spare the lieutenant another glance. The blonde slowed her departure as she took in the forlorn expression on the brunette's face. She looked miserable.
Guilt gnawed at Amanda and an internal debate waged within her. On one hand she hadn't been seen; it would be so easy to slip away. And perhaps, Amanda argued, Olivia didn't want to be disturbed.
Yet it felt wrong to leave her.
Amanda hovered by the stool before making up her mind. Despite her desire for solitude, she couldn't walk away without at least checking on Olivia. Besides, Amanda reasoned, if Olivia really wanted to be alone, she would have no problem sending her away.
Amanda sidled closer to Olivia, who had yet to notice her, and eased onto the vacant stool next to her.
In spite of her inebriated stupor, Olivia sensed someone was watching her and she glanced up with a look of annoyance that quickly morphed into surprise.
"Amanda?" Olivia slurred, squinting to confirm it was really her. "What are you doing here?"
Amanda took in her boss's intoxicated appearance. She didn't need to see the empty glasses beside her to tell that Olivia had clearly been here for a while.
"The same as you I suppose. Drinking away my sorrows." Amanda supplied, nodding at the half-empty bottle in Olivia's hand.
Olivia merely shrugged in response, still looking a little dumbfound to see Amanda.
"I didn't know you came here," Amanda continued, making idle conversation in an attempt to put the brunette at ease. "I haven't been in this place since before Jesse was born." Amanda remarked.
"Where is Jesse?" Olivia asked suddenly, snapping out of her stupor and peering around as if expecting to see her.
Amanda stifled a grin at Olivia's naive action.
"Well seeing as how there's an age requirement for being in bars, and her forgery skills aren't that good yet," Amanda quipped, "I left at home with Kim."
At the mention of Amanda's sister, Olivia's eyebrows rose.
"I know, I know, Amanda interjected, seeing the concern etched on Olivia's face.
"But my sister's doing surprisingly well. She's been taking her meds, and it's made a world of difference," Amanda reassured. "I never thought I'd say this, but I actually trust her," the blonde confessed, feeling a rare moment of pride for her younger sister and the progress she had made. Years ago she wouldn't trust Kim with her wallet, much less her child.
"Wow," Olivia murmured. "That's great, Amanda," she congratulated, sincerity ringing in her tone.
"Speaking of kids, where's Noah?" Amanda innocently asked, but she regretted her question as Olivia's expression soured.
"With Sheila." Olivia muttered. "He decided he wanted to spend New Year's Eve with "Grandma," Olivia ground out, trying and failing to suppress the bitterness in her voice.
At Amanda's questioning stare, Olivia continued. "I didn't want to intrude. They're still getting to know each other, and I thought they'd be more comfortable without me hovering."
"Liv it's not hovering when it's your kid." Amanda insisted. While she knew Sheila meant well, she was finding it hard not to resent the woman who uprooted Olivia's life just when she was finally happy. As much as she had been through, Amanda was convinced she deserved the peaceful life which the universe appeared unwilling to grant her.
Olivia shrugged. "Kids typically spend time with their grandparents without their parents being present. I just want him to have a normal family life." Olivia confessed.
They fell silent for a moment until Olivia turned towards Amanda.
"That's enough about my problems," she announced, forcing false cheeriness into her voice. "What brings you to this classy establishment?" she asked, clumsily gesturing at their surroundings.
"Nothing much, it's just Carisi," Amanda replied nonchalantly, not wanting to go into detail with her superior officer.
"What did he do?" Olivia immediately questioned, a sudden edge in her voice.
"Nothing," Amanda assuaged, feeling touched by the brunette's concern. "He just got the wrong idea."
"Wrong idea how?" Olivia asked, a protective streak flaring up as she regarded the blonde who now seemed vaguely uncomfortable.
Amanda shifted on her stool thoroughly regretting bringing up Carisi. She had approached Olivia with the sole intention of making sure the lieutenant was okay, not to divulge her own personal drama. Olivia was watching her intently, looking more alert now than she had all night and Amanda sighed as she realized she wasn't going to let the matter drop.
"He kind of admitted he liked me as more than a friend, and thought I might feel the same," Amanda disclosed, watching Olivia carefully for her reaction.
"Oh," Olivia blinked in surprise, a trace of irritation ghosting across her features. "Well it's hard not to like you Amanda," the brunette finally mumbled, seemingly to herself.
Olivia cleared her throat, "So are you two..." she trailed off leaving Amanda to fill in the gaps.
"No!" Amanda emphasized, "I made it clear that I don't think of him like that. He's only a friend a to me," Amanda promised. She could have been mistaken, but Amanda could've sworn she saw a flash of relief pass over Olivia's face. Feeling suddenly bold, Amanda continued.
"But there is someone else I really like."
"Oh," Olivia murmured on edge again, her fingers unconsciously clenching around her bottle. "Then he's very lucky to be admired by you," she said honestly, faking enthusiasm she didn't quite feel.
"Do I know him?" Olivia probed, attempting to keep her tone casual.
A subtle smirk danced across Amanda's face. "Oh yes, very well," Amanda teased, reaching over to ease the bottle out of the brunette's grip.
"For one, it's not a he. And she happens to look absolutely gorgeous right now." Amanda revealed, fighting back her nerves as she uttered words she never thought she would have the courage to say.
Olivia's eyes widened as she processed Amanda's words, a small burst of hope blossoming in her chest at the mention of a woman. She twisted in her seat, nearly toppling off her stool as she tried to find the mystery woman who apparently was in the same bar. Failing to clearly distinguish any such person, Olivia stared back at Amanda quizzically.
Amanda merely grinned before finally taking pity on the befuddled brunette. "I was talking about you," she whispered, leaning over.
"Oh," Olivia breathed, a smile tugging at her lips as she moved in closer.
Around them the patrons could be heard drunkenly counting down the final seconds of the year, but they were oblivious to the noise as they closed the space between them, lips meeting amidst the sound of cheering as the clock struck twelve.