A/N: This was written by a friend after we did a performance of the play at school. it is a parody and includes a lot of inside jokes. This is purely for entertainment value. Enjoy the hilarious atrocity!

Fat Sam was a mess. The Speakeasy hadn't had visitors in 6 years and work for an ex-gangster was impossible. His love life wasn't much better either. Tallulah had left him at her feet and was now driving around in a limo with Dandy Dan. That bitch. Sam had no friends, no money and no life. That was until Mr Malone walked back into his life.

"Hey Mr Sam" came the voice from his office door. Sam turned around, trying to hide excited, slightly aroused expression on his face.

"Bugsy! Where have you been man!"Sam said coolly.

"Hollywood. With the big movie stars. Ain't no place for a guy like me".

"What happened Bugs?" Sam asked, moving closer to his old partner.

"Blousey moved on, she became famous, too famous for me"

"Bugsy she's an ordinary fool to leave you like that, you're the smoothest mobster I've ever known "

Bugsy sighed"Yeah but she doesn't want a mobster"

"I do".

Bugsy couldn't believe his ears. "You need some more help at the speakeasy?"

"That and... other things"Sam thought about his love life.

"I need you, not the speakeasy".

Bugsy felt his lips get closer to fat sam. No, this couldn't be. The big speakeasy boss who he'd liked for years couldn't be about to...Sam fell into Bugsy's arms. He'd missed the guy so much, in so many ways. Sam unbuttoned Bugsy's shirt and whispered into his ear. "Noone can say that fat sam's ain't the liveliest joint in town"

Soon Bugsy and Fat Sam were on top of each other Kissing and hugging and god knows what. Sam had never been so turned on by any other man. It was at that joyous moment that the phone rang.

"Hold on a minute Bugsy, I have business to attend to"

"But you have business here, fat sam" Bugsy moaned lustily. Sam rolled his eyes and picked up the phone, half-naked. Bugsy went over to one of the chairs and lay on his side "Paint me like one of your chorus girls" Bugsy mouthed, but Sam motioned for him to shut up.

"Hello Sam" came the voice from the phone. Fat Sam hadn't heard a voice that turned him on so much since...

"It's Dandy Dan here. I need to talk to you about a guy"

"What guy Dan? I don't know any guys since you shot em"

"My apologies Sam but I was thinking about a certain Mr Malone"

Sam's face turned from horny to concerned. He can't kill Bugsy as well?

"What do you want with him Dan"

"Its rather... embarrassing"

"Spit it out"

"Fine. Tallulah wants to add an extra guy to our relationship. "

"You dirty rat Dan"

"Hey Tallulah said it not me, I don't even like guys"

"You're not having my Bugsy"

"You're what?"

Sam slammed the phone down.

"Honey don't switch that off, I was enjoying that, Sam heard Bugsy yell from the other side of the room, his left hand holding the receiver, his other hand.. elsewhere.

"You were listening? "

"Every last word".