Script
North Park Season 1 Episode 1 - One Night of Drinking
[School bus passes by/transition to inside of bus]
Jack:
This sucks!
Chris:
God! Dammit!
Charlie
How the hell did the summer pass so fast!
Chris:
This is ridiculous! I hate it when the summer ends too quickly!
Jack
Our job kinda sucked ass dude!
Morgan
(Muffled) Yeah, the fuck kinda job was that?
Charlie
School is going to suck!
Chris:
You're telling me!
Charlie:
Oh God! My head!
Chris:
What's the matter Charlie?
Jack:
Yeah you look like total shit!
Charlie:
That's because my dad came home drunk last night and wouldn't stop fighting with my mom!
Jack:
Really? What happened?
Charlie:
Well he said he was going to buy drinks, you know just for parties and stuff. And then all of a sudden he comes home and starts yelling. Then he ends by pissing his pants and passing out. I'm telling you it was going on for hours!
Chris:
Dude my dad did that last night!
Jack:
Mine too!
Chris:
Except mine didn't cause a wreck at my house!
Morgan:
Yeah it happened to my dad too!
Jack:
What the hell is going on guys? Why are our dads drinking so much?
Charlie:
We gotta get them some help!
Chris:
We need to know more about this, just to be sure!
Jack:
God dammit!
[Transition to School: North Park High School]
Mr. Edward:
Ok students, today we are going to continue our study on Economics, you see economics is a social science concerned with the factors that determine-(keeps talking about economics)
Chris:
Dude what are we going to do? Our dads are endangering themselves!
Jack:
Maybe we should take their booze away.
Charlie:
Look all we have to do is watch our dads tonight and try to stop them.
Chris:
Calm down guys!
Charlie:
How the hell are we supposed to calm down!
Mr. Edward:
Boys are you paying attention? What the hell is going on there.
Charlie:
Yes Mr. Edward!
Mr. Edward:
So anyway students, I was saying-(bell rings) Oh god dammit!
[Transition to Jack's house]
Chris:
Oh sweet, I love this episode!
TV Man:
Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic and Today I'm going to review, MICKEY'S MASTURBATION?! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF TRASH IS THIS!
Charlie:
Ah the Nostalgia Critic, gives so much….Nostalgia!
Patrick:
Hi boys! I just came back from the store, just going to go in the backyard.
Jack:
Dad No! Guys stop him!
Patrick:
Jack what are you doing?!
Jack:
God Dammit dad! Stop drinking!
Patrick:
guys, F**k off! I'm fine.
Charlie:
Dude I think your dad is drunk!
Patrick:
Alright guys, see you tomorrow.
Chris:
God dammit what are we gonna do.
Charlie:
I know! Alec Baldwin is not dubbing Thomas any more.
Jack:
What the? Charlie what the hell? What does this have to do with anything?!
Charlie:
Fine, how about George Carlin dubbing it?
Jack:
Shut up Charlie!
Charlie:
Can't we just hide their drinks?
Jack:
What are you freaking dumb? Why would we do that
Charlie:
(Annoyed) Shut up Jack, just roll with it!
Chris:
Charlie is right Jack, we have to do it. It's the only way to save our dads.
Morgan:
Yeah, I don't want my dad to be an alcoholic!
Jack:
This is the stupidest shit I've ever heard!
Charlie:
Come on jack! Stop being such a jackass! Just do it during school
Chris:
Ditching school? Are you retarded?!
Charlie:
Look if you want your dad coming home drunk every night, then be my guest.
Jack:
Calm down guys, we can do it. You'll just need a hall pass.
Chris:
That's right. I'll do it, but if we get busted, I'm blaming you Charlie!
Charlie:
I'm willing to take that risk!
[Transition to North Park High School: Cloudy Day] Cafeteria
Chris:
Alright guys, stick to the plan!
Charlie:
Just watch out for the guard worm when we get here!
Jack:
What are you talking about charlie? In what scenario would there ever be a fucking guard worm?
Chris:
Dude, you're being overdramatic, stop!
Jack:
Whatever..
Charlie:
You haven't seen anything yet! (Charlie Sips his milk) What the? What is this in my drink?! Mordecai!
Mordecai
Hello there guys! What's up Charlie!
Charlie
What did you do to my drink?! Where's my milk?
Mordecai
Oh there's no milk. All the milk cartons have been replaced with alcohol.
Charlie
(Disgusted) Ah! Dude sick!
Jack
Dude weak!
[Transition to Chris' House]
Chris's dad:
Dammit, god dammit what the hell? Honey where the f**k are my beers?
Chris's mom:
I don't know, I've bought some just yesterday!
Chris's dad:
Chris! Chris! Get over here right now, hurry! (panacing)
Chris:
What is it dad?
Chris's dad
Have you seen my booze?
Chris:
Uh no dad uh sorry, I don't know...uh, the FCC took away the booze.
Chris's dad:
Oh my god! I gotta check in the basement!
Chris:
Ha ha ha, it worked. (chris's phone rings/jack calls)
Jack:
The FCC joke?
Chris:
Yeah I did, he fell for it goooood!
Jack:
meet us at the city park near the woods, we got all their booze
Chris:
I got them in a big bag upstairs in my room, I'll meet you there 8:30 sharp! (Hangs up)
Chris's dad:
Chris where the hell are you going, you have to help me find my booze!
Chris:
Sorry dad I'm going to the park to play basketball or something! (chris leaves the house)
[Forest/park]
Chris:
There you are guys! I couldn't find you (angered)
Jack:
Did you bring the damn drinks or not?!
Charlie:
Yeah we got all of our parents booze.
Jack
Though Morgan Forgot his parent's Booze! And arrived late!
Chris:
Where were you dammit! Haven't you stuck to the plan!
Morgan:
Hey shut the f**k up man! I live a long way from here!
Chris:
No you don't you live right across from me!
Jack:
Shut up and start digging!
(boys start digging in the snow)
Chris:
Ok come on let's go. It's 12:45 already!
Charlie:
We are such badasses! (Happy mood)
(Boys finish up digging and start putting in the booze)
[Transition to Charlie's House]
Jack's Dad:
So what are you here for?
Chris' Dad:
Well I was called in here because our boys said they wanted an intervention.
Charlie's Dad:
Why the hell do they have to make an intervention for us, we have no problem.
Morgan's Dad:
Tell me about it, I've not been that drunk!
Charlie:
Guys we have to talk to you
Charlie's dad:
What the hell do you want son? Why did you call us in here?
Chris:
Look guys, we are really worried about you and you should take the time of your lives to do something with it, not wasting it by drinking nonstop and f**king up your lives!
Charlie:
Yeah, you know I've learned something today, If you took time to spend your lives doing something with it instead of ruining it, you'll see that...life's not so bad after all!
Jack:
And if you ruin your lives by drinking nonstop, we'll have nothing to talk all about other than how our dads are nothing but alcoholic fags who have no lives.
Morgan:
You guys should enjoy life, not waste it!
Chris's dad
Yeah! They're right! Let's not waste our lives by getting drunk!
Morgan's dad:
Yeah, so….let's go to a strip club instead!
Charlie
Wait what?!
Jack's dad:
Yeah! Strip CLUB!
Charlie
That's not what we meant - oh fuck this!
Chris:
We'll I guess our dads are not going to learn anything!
Jack:
You're damn right their not. Why the hell did we go through all this anyway? It was all lame!
Charlie
Whatever.
Jack:
So what do you wanna do?
Charlie
Do you want to duel?
Jack
Ok.
Charlie
Good, but I get to use the Duel Disk first!
Chris:
No you don't, I own it. Get back here!
Transition to: Bus Stop with Charlie there:
Jack:
(Enters) Yo, what up Charlie!
Charlie
Oh, hey Jack.. What the hell was up with everything for the last 3 days?
Jack
Look I don't give a damn anymore, my dad has not learned anything! I mean, he bought 3 cases of 6 pack beers and other drinks. I generally don't care anymore charlie.
Charlie
So I guess they blew off the strip club?
Jack
Yep, they're not coming back there for a while
Charlie
Why?
Jack
You don't need to know. This entire time we been through was fucking stupid and be glad we are not them charlie.
[SCHOOL BUS COMES TO PICK THEM UP] Then drives away
Charlie
Last night I saw strange kid with red scars on his face rummaging through the garbage. I think he's a supernatural being.
Jack
Charlie, don't be stupid, they don't exist.