Title: Never Can Say Goodbye
Author: SpecKay
E-mail: see personal profile for information
Website: see personal profile for information
Rating: IM15 & AO (password protected version and only available at the above mentioned website)
Classification: Harm/Mac, Romance
Disclaimer: JAG and its characters are the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount.
Spoilers: Fair Winds and Following Seas
Summary: This story is my version of series finale. This scene takes place at Harm's apartment several days after they have received their new orders and shortly (very shortly) before they had to leave for their new billets. It includes more inter-interaction between Harm & Mac i.e.: more conversation… more emotion… and yes more steam. I think you get the picture.
Beta read: Michi and I have beta'd this story. It would have taken a month to get it done the right way… so I decided to wing it for fear I would get cold feet and never post this story; therefore, any and all mistakes are definitely mine.
A/N: The only part of this story that is factual is the transfer orders for Harm and Mac to London and San Diego respectively. Everything else is what my shipper heart would have liked to have seen take place after they received their orders, but before they actually had to separate. Neither their talk at Harm's apartment nor their farewell party happened on screen.
I would like to say a very special, heartfelt thank you to my mentor, who is also my dear friend. I think many of you already know her and her wonderful stories. I'm referring to the one and only incomparable Michi. If it weren't for her, this story would never have been written. It still would have been tumbling around in my head. Our paths crossed due to our mutual love of JAG and of course all the wonderful fan fiction. We quickly became friends and cohorts. When she asked me to be her beta reader, I was honored and nervous because I was embarking on totally new territory. This was something I had never done before. She opened up a whole new world to me, and I love every minute of it. That is when she encouraged me to write a story of my own. It took a whole lot of persuasion, but I finally did it. It was with her support, nurturing and her extreme faith in me that I was finally able to put the words down on paper. If it weren't for her, this story wouldn't be here and you would not be reading it. Thank you, girl, from the bottom of my heart. I love you. You are the best.
He was finally home… behind the closed door of his desolate apartment. His empty apartment reflected his somber mood. He scrubbed his hands over his face and let out the sigh that he had been holding on to for what seemed like forever thinking, 'if Mac were here, she would know exactly how long it had been.' Mac…whew, he exhaled loudly and discontentedly slumped to the floor, his back resting against one of the few remaining packed boxes. He reached out to the picture frames that he had left on one of the boxes. He had decided to put them in his carry on versus packing them for shipping. They were way too special to him to be destroyed or lost. He looked at them and smiled. One was the one of him and his father and the other was the one of him and Mac taken in Afghanistan. He reverently ran his thumb over her face. He could almost feel her soft skin beneath his fingers. Looking back to the other picture, he whispered, "What do I do, dad?"
The night had started out innocently enough. 'I thought we were having a good time with all our friends talking and laughing. So why did she bolt out like she had been struck by lightning?
I took her by the hand and led her to the dance floor where an old classic was starting to play an old popular tune… Unchained Melody by the Righteous Bros. I had her wrapped in my arms; her head was resting comfortably on my shoulder. I started to commit everything about her to memory… the way she looked in that sexy black slip of a dress that hugged each and every one of her alluring curves, showing just enough bare skin to entice, but left her tempting secrets hidden beneath that silky material… the way she felt so soft and smooth… the way she smelled a mixture of vanilla shampoo and her unique perfume that I would know anywhere… the way she touched me with her body and her hands, setting me on fire. I wanted to absorb the very essence of Sarah MacKenzie before we had to say our final goodbyes.'
Goodbyes…
"Oh God…," he cried out in despair into the quiet room. 'That was it. It had to be. She couldn't say it… and that's why she ran out like she was on fire.'
He sat there on the floor, his elbows resting on his propped up knees, his head in his hands… she consumed his every thought. He remembered when they first met in the rose garden and he thought he had seen a ghost. He grinned, thinking back over the years how they had fought like cats and dogs, both in and out of the courtroom, but no matter what transpired between them, their loyalty to one another was steadfast. They had always covered each other's six and followed each other to hell and back.
His reminiscing brought him back to when he nearly got her killed by poachers in the Appalachians, and how he almost lost her at the hands of the disturbed Hodge on the Watertown, and to a stalker who ended up being the psycho cop Coster. He recollected all too clearly how his heart had been broken when she resigned to join Lowne in civilian practice, although he would never admit it to anyone. He dredged up the pain he caused her on a ferry in Sydney when he rejected her and sent her running into the arms of that arrogant Australian who she nearly married as a result. He shook his head despondently over that particular memory. Then there was the whole ugly and distorted Paraguay debacle and he would never forget the fiasco that ensued with the incomparable spook, Webb.
He became somber, thinking back over these particularly disconcerting times he and Mac had shared. At times their relationship was so fragile it was akin to ripping a band aid off a scab, causing it to bleed yet again. Obviously, their relationship could not be denied because their friendship had persevered through all these challenges and more and remained intact. Obviously, in hindsight, he would have done a lot of things differently. Dwelling on that now was a moot point, because everything was about to change. Their call to duty and country reared its ugly head and they were about to be separated by over five thousand miles. He raised his eyes upward as if looking for resolution from above, resting his head against the box. He closed his eyes, attempting to block out the reality of the situation that was at hand… their separation.
They had been together for nine years, and though they had their share of good and bad times, he would not have traded their time together for anything. They both knew that this could happen someday… and he wasn't talking about his 'elevation to greatness' as Mac so eloquently stated, but now that the time had actually come well… It couldn't… it just couldn't end this way.
He was anxiously rubbing his hands over his thighs in frustration. He had to do something. He jumped up, ready to spring in to action, but was halted by the sound of faint knocking on his door. He didn't have to open the door to know who was on the other side. Mohammed did not have to go to the mountain for the mountain had just come to Mohammed.
x
There she was, standing in the familiar hallway and knocked gently on the door, knowing that when opened it would reveal her best friend. The one person she could trust with her life. This place had become her sanctuary. The place she always ran to when she was sad, hurt, confused and upset. So many memories were locked up here. The good ones immediately came to mind.
The countless working and non-working dinners they shared. Harm's meatless meatloaf was one dish in particular that stood out, causing her to actually shudder as her taste buds remembered the experience. Many nights had found them cuddling on the couch, watching movies - Top Gun and A Few Good Men immediately come to mind. She smiled, remembering how he became totally engrossed and mesmerized each and every time he watched those men and women in uniform, flying planes and deliberating in a courtroom. Heck, he was like a kid in a candy store. And, just to be fair, a few sappy chick flicks were thrown in for her every once in a while and he would laugh when she cried, dangling a tissue in front of her face. They had spent hours conversing over half veggie-half meat lover's pizza and laughing over stupid jokes compliments of both Mattie and Chloe. This had been the place where they opened up about their childhoods, giving them greater insight into each other's psyche.
There were also the difficult times when she had needed to talk to him, and he was entertaining another woman with a romantic candlelight dinner, and she had to walk away. She vividly remembered another time standing outside in the pouring rain, watching him in the window comforting another woman and again she walked away. They had many a disagreement here… one about a particular mission to Paraguay stands out foremost and again she had to walk away.
All of these memories came flooding back to her in such a rush that she gasped and staggered, putting her hand over her hammering heart. She was suddenly overcome by a terrible emptiness filled with sadness… all these wonderful and daunting memories defined their nine-year tumultuous professional and personal relationship.
Could she… would she walk away again?
They had just spent the evening at McMurphy's with all their friends and co-workers. It was their way of bidding them farewell and wishing them luck in their new billets. She still found it hard to believe that she would be going to San Diego and Harm… well Captain Rabb was going to London.
It had been a pleasant evening sitting around a table joking and telling stories. Everyone had their own funny tale to tell about one of them. There were more than enough stories to go around when it came to 'Batman and Robin' or 'Butch and Sundance.' She smiled at the thought of the nicknames they had come up with for their partnership. They had always been determined to go out in a blaze of glory. 'Ha... glory I wish… definitely not feeling very glorious right now,' she thought.
The evening was going by without a hitch until they danced. That was when it all started to go downhill. Harm had taken her by the hand and led her to the dance floor without saying a word. They fit together perfectly like a hand in a glove. The song that started to play was 'Unchained Melody'. They swayed back and forth, holding on to each for dear life… afraid that if one or the other let go they would just evaporate into thin air.
He looked good enough to eat in his black slacks and form fitting light blue vee neck sweater that accentuated the color of his eyes as well as his muscular arms, its softness enveloped her like a warm blanket. Being so close to him, his strong arms wrapped around her, and the smell of his cologne mixed with the scent that was strictly 'him' assaulted her senses, and she was completely overcome. Then the lyrics from the song started to echo in her head… 'I need your love… are you still mine…God speed your love to me,' spinning around over and over, making her dizzy. At that moment, the thought of having to say goodbye hit her in the face so hard that the tears were about to fall and she felt as though she was about to be sick… so she ran.
Now here she was… standing in front of the door to the place she always ran to when she was in trouble, or needed comforting, or just needed to be with a friend. This place had become her sanctuary and her confessional. 'How was she going to talk to her best friend about 'him,' the man she loved more than life itself,' she wondered as she gently knocked on his door.