Friendship doesn't feel quite like the right word to describe his and Cal's relationships. Their not 'more than friends'. They're not fucking gay, and yeah they joke around the way normal dudes do. Or at least the way Andre assumes normal high school guys do. He's never had many friends. They're more like brothers, but brothers seem to always fight. They don't fight. Sure, they dis agree on shit. Of course they do. But they don't fight. At the core, they are always stable. Andre doesn't know quite how to describe it. Cal would though.
Sure, Andre does a lot of talking, in their videos, in life. He's got a big, powerful voice. Commanding even, he likes to think. But he always rambles. Its like he talks in manifestos. Angry manifestos. Cal, it seems like even his internal monologue is ready to be in some sort of new wave, pretentious literary piece. He just has the ability to spew stuff that would sound like utter bull shit from anyone else, but from Cal, it seems completely sincere and logical. Cal has a weird sort of charm.
Cal's not popular, he doesn't make friends too easily, as evidenced by Cal's and Andre's relative solitude. But, if Cal really wanted to, he could probably do it. If he just pretended to be normal, turned down the crazy sense of humor he had, switched his instrument, and got some new clothes, Cal could have friends. It was easy to see. Rachel seemed to love Cal. Her crush on Cal was sickeningly obvious. Andre didn't know how she could stand herself, acting like that all the time. It was embarrassing. But whatever.
Cal was all weird, endearing charm and wit. Andre didn't have that. He was too serious when others were joking and too jocular when others were quiet. He just didn't get it. He should have more friends, he should have a girlfriend, a group. He thought he was decent looking, and though his sense of humor was often ill timed, he thought he was pretty funny. He ran track, not so jocky to be an asshole, but fit and sporty. He was fucking smart too. No idiot could plan such a successful operation.
He is fucking brilliant.
And even if he wasn't, it shouldn't matter. He's got a car, a job, his parents let him do what ever the fuck he wants.
So why did everyone hate him? He's got one fucking friend. One. One friend who could easily jump several rungs up the social ladder.
Andre thinks back on all of his years of schooling often. At no point does he really understand what he had done to deserve this level of ridicule. Who had he pissed off? Who had he fucked with?
He can't think of a single fucking moment.
So instead, he's decided that everyone else fucking sucks. Its like one day, a flip switched. Everyone else got a new rule book and they fucking forgot to give it to Andre. It was like standing completely still on a crowded street. Everyone has a purpose and if they don't, they know how to fake having one.
Andre doesn't. He and Cal had to work so fucking hard to make a purpose for themselves. They had to fight so fucking hard. Carve out their own little niche in a world that wanted them to shrivel up and just die.
No one knew what it was like, having no fucking idea what to do with yourself. This wasn't like not know what you wanted to do with your life, what career you wanted, if you wanted to stay with your high school girlfriend. This was waking up every fucking morning, know the world didn't want you, no one fucking wanted you, yet you were still fucking here.
Jesus, Andre is so fucking sad. Him as a person. He doesn't know whats wrong with him, why he can't just fucking get it together, why he's such a failure. Why does everyone push him down into the dirt, smash his head in over and over, why won't anyone let him breath? They want to see him humiliated, he just fucking know it. It's in their eyes, the way they look at him their sneers, their rejections.
Its not fucking on him. Andre reminds himself every fucking day, when he checks the guns, builds the bombs, goes on their missions. Everyone else, they can die. And they will, by his fucking hand. THEY DESERVE THIS. They've been asking him to do this, being him. They need him. They need his Godliness. Those sneers, rejections, looks, they're snuffing him, feeding the mother fucking fire.
He and Cal have talked about this. Long before they even had plans for Zero Day, they knew. They knew that the people around them were not good enough for this world. They weren't good enough for Andre and Cal. Andre and Cal, Cal and Andre. Kings, kings of the fucking world. They're so smart, so AWAKE. There is no fog. Having no purpose fucking sucks, but it's made Andre so much fucking stronger, Cal too. They have had to fight every single hour for every single day.
Andre and Cal, they were so fucking lucky to meet. They match, they make the perfect team. Andre seems normal to half, and Cal to the other. They mask each other, yet they bring each other to their top performances. Neither one of them is stupid, neither one of them is doing this for the glory. Well, they are doing it for the glory, but its not the same glory that so many fools do shit for. It's their own, deep, perfect fulfillment. There is no greed, no struggle between them. Plus, its not like either of them will actually be around to claim their place in history. They are going to be so fucking immortal.
Andre, well Andre's on the fucking top, he's miles above the rest. He and Cal, they're gonna stand above all of these idiots, right where they fucking belong. They're GODS. Fucking Gods among men. And after all these years, they deserve it.
Cal wishes that their were more words in the english language. It's such a senseless, dense language. There are so many beautiful turns of speech in the world, yet he can only speak the worst one. It's obtuse, ugly, it doesn't even come close to rolling off the tongue. Cal never feels like he has the right words. He can't express all of the things in his mind, but oh God, if he could. If Cal could only spill the contents of his mind into the conscious world. If he could only be truly understood by all of those around him. He's got so many things to say to these people. The knowledge he could impart. He supposes the world may not want it, may not think the need it, but that will melt away, so easily, so quickly, if only he had the language to truly express all that he knows. Right now though, there are so few people that understand. That is why Zero Day is so important. It is imperative. Words, words are golden, but actions do speak louder, and so, Cal will act, and finally, the world will understand what Cal means.
Finally the world will hear him and Andre. Andre has all the words in the world. He's bilingual, but that's not just it. Andre, angry, angry, burning, but controlled, so powerful and so loud. That's what Andre wants to be. And Cal can tell, he's so close. Andre is his comrade, his brother in arms, his kin. On their missions, Andre is just as he wants to be. He's got it all down. He and Cal are perfect compliments. Cal lives in his head, he's got his own world. He chooses the things he wants to bring in and the things he wants to leave out. Andre brings the whole wide world into his head and spits it back out. Cal is like poison, Andre is like an explosion (Their lives are so full of violence). Cal seeps in, charms people, and seeps them of everything. Rachel loves him, adores him. She thinks he's funny, he's lovely, he's so different from all the other guys she knows. He's not an asshole, she thinks, he gets it. He's shocked she doesn't think he's gay. She's asked him to prom, he's accepted. He laughs just thinking about it. He's stressed, terrified maybe, about having to go with her. They'll ride in a car full of people that Cal doesn't know, they'll be confused, he'll just want to go to Andre's house. He'll probably say something about it. They'll joke about him when he's not around. Rachel will have to defend him, defend herself and her choices, he taste in guys. He wonders what she'll say after Zero Day.
Yet, it doesn't get to him. The fear, the anxiety, he's acknowledging it, he's feeling it, but he's not. God, he wishes there were more words at his disposal. He's living on two different planes. One plane acknowledges all of his simple thoughts and urges and a whole other one, where none of that matters. He lives in this second plane. The first feels like an afterthought. His sad, banal urges, they just don't touch him. He's spent too much time, fighting to maintain his sense of self, to fall into the parts of humanity that will only drag him down. He's chosen the parts of humanity that help him. Imagination, humor, wit. He picks and choses. He could be a free spirit type of guy, go on soul searching trips, be pretentious and say he's trying to find himself. But he just likes Marilyn Manson too much.
Andre the explosion. Andre doesn't seep in, he has no friends, other than Cal. He's all big blows, of comedy, of anger, of insight. Most people, they don't know how to handle it. It's to much for them to take in, they don't understand it. So, they reject Andre. Cal though, he loves it. He wants to understand how Andre does it, how he can be so genuine, always letting his true personality shine through every layer he's tried to put on. Cal has put on so many masks that he's not sure if there's a real Calvin Gabriel anymore. It's like he sees the world through fuzzy, fuzzy glasses.
Cal wonders, how much of him is his own human nature and how much of him has been nurtured? His humor is like his dad's, he's got the nurturing feel of his mom, kids love him. He makes people feel welcome just like his family always does. His parents have never planned a mass shooting though. The world around him though, it's taught him what cruelty and violence looks like. It's taught him what it means to rise above. He's learned who he is, where he exists in this world. Or, where the world wants him to exist. He knows that the world is wrong about him though. He should be standing above them all. It's not their fault, the world has told them to push down the little guy. What they don't know though, is who the little guy really is. It's them. They've been pushing themselves down every time they wrong him. Every word thrown at him and Andre, every glance, every snuff. They inspire them. They raise them up and prepare Andre and Cal to push them all so, so far down.