All characters are the property of NBC.
The Office
"High School"
Written by Chris Souza
Cold Open.
Int. Dunder Mifflin, Morning.
An excited MICHAEL emerges from his office, and futilely tries to get his employees to join in his enthusiasm.
MICHAEL:
Everybody, listen up. I have a very important announcement to make!
STANLEY:
Those words have lost all meaning.
MICHAEL:
Not everything has to mean something, Stanley. [Stanley looks back to his computer, ignoring Michael.] Alright, everybody else, listen up. Tonight, I will be reliving my wild, sex-crazed youth at my 20 year reunion at West Scranton High, and-
PHYLLIS:
25.
MICHAEL:
What?
PHYLLIS:
It's our 25 year reunion.
MICHAEL:
Well, maybe it's your 25 year reunion, Phyllis-
PHYLLIS:
It's the same reunion, Michael, we're the same age, same graduating class-
MICHAEL:
[over Phyllis] Shhhut…Well, I'm sorry, Phyllis, but I always thought that you were a lunch lady or something. Or a librarian. But not the sexy kind.
Phyllis looks displeased.
PHYLLIS: [Talking Head]
Yes, I'm going to the reunion. I've never been to one before. It's going to be hard admitting to everyone that I work for Michael…But I'm going with Bob. It'll be nice to see the looks on everyone's faces when I walk in with such a sexy guy. [Phyllis beams.]
Back to main office.
JIM:
So, was that the important announcement?
MICHAEL:
Mmm…yes. [as people start to walk back to their desks] Wait, wait, you guys are missing the most important part.
JIM:
Oh, wouldn't want that.
MICHAEL:
Thank you, Jim. The best part is that accompanying me tonight will be the lovely Mrs. Jan Levinson Scott.
JIM:
I'm sorry, "Mrs.?"
PAM:
Also, "Scott." Michael, you two aren't married.
MICHAEL:
Merely a technicality, my dear Beasley. The point is, this is my chance to show the class of Eighty-eight-
PHYLLIS:
Eighty-three-
MICHAEL:
[louder, to drown out Phyllis' voice] This is my chance to show them how successful I have become!
MICHAEL: [TH]
This is going to be the most awesome high school reunion ever, because I will be the most successful person there. And not just because I'm the regional manager of a small yet…surviving paper company. I tried mentioning that at my last few reunions, and…people were not impressed. I guess some people just don't appreciate where their paper comes from. But this year, I will be walking in with a beautiful, intelligent, bosomy woman named Jan, who I am deeply in love with. And love is the true measure of success. The Beatles said, "All you need is love. Love is all you need. Love, love…[pauses, as if trying to remember] Love." [beat] And that is how I am going to show those jerks that I am better than them. [MICHAEL smiles]
END Cold Open.
Credits.
Act 1
Int. Dunder Mifflin.
JIM [TH]:
Most embarrassing high school moment…you know, that's hard to say. Probably because anything embarrassing that could have possibly happened then is overshadowed by what happens here every day.
Meanwhile, the office is buzzing with gossip. OSCAR whispers something into ANGELA'S ear. KELLY passes a note to TOBY.
KEVIN approaches PAM's desk.
KEVIN:
Hey Pam. Did you hear about Jim seeing Karen in Utica?
PAM:
[with gentle sarcasm] Yes, Kevin, I think I did hear something about that.
KEVIN:
That is rough. Everyone's talking about it. You guys aren't going to break up or anything, are you?
PAM:
No, Kevin.
KEVIN:
[mildly disappointed]
Oh.
KEVIN [TH]:
I've got money on this.
CREED [TH]:
The big man bet me $50 that the hot receptionist and the dude with the funny hair are gonna split by the end of the week. But I think I know those two kids well enough to say that this is gonna last.
Back to main office.
KEVIN:
Well, if you need to talk or anything…I'm right across the office.
PAM:
That's good to know.
JIM: [TH]
There's really nothing to tell. Yes, I saw Karen. I wasn't planning on it, and neither of us were very happy to see each other. It was just…an embarrassing situation for everybody. [As Jim speaks, we see clips from the trip to Utica from "Branch Wars."] So, there will be no need to alert Gossip Girl.
PAM: [TH]
No, I don't have anything against Karen at all. She's really nice, and I got along with her better than I get along with most people here. I just think that, with me dating Jim now, it's probably for the best that we don't see her anymore. Otherwise this place could just get awkward. [long pause]…er.
MICHAEL's office.
PAM: [on speaker phone]
Michael, Jan wants to talk to you.
MICHAEL:
Jan! Probably just calling to tell me how much she loves me.
JAN:
Michael?
MICHAEL:
Yeah, Babe, what's the matter? I've only been at work for a few hours. [to camera] The woman just can't be without me.
JAN:
Hey Babe, I just wanted to let you know that I've changed my mind about the reunion tonight.
MICHAEL:
Um…Jan, I think there might be something wrong with our connection…
JAN:
No, Michael. I just can't go tonight.
MICHAEL:
What…what do you mean you can't, it's not like you have anything better to do.
JAN:
Michael, I just want to stay in. We can do that thing you like, with the handcuffs…
MICHAEL:
First of all, that's your thing, and second of all, we've done that the last five nights! I have bruises, and…I don't understand why you don't want to leave the house anymore. You've become like…agri…agriculphobic!
JAN:
What is that, fear of agriculture?
MICAEL:
Well…
JAN:
I am not agoraphobic, if that's what you're trying to say, I just-
MICHAEL:
Well, y'know, this is very important to me, and you're being extremely insensitive to my needs! Once again-
JAN:
Your needs? Oh, that's hilarious, your needs-
MICHAEL:
Well, if you don't want to go, I'll just find someone else who will!
JAN:
Oh, yeah, like who?
MICHAEL:
Like Pam!
JAN:
[pause] You said you wouldn't say that name anymore.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, well we both seem to say a lot of things we don't mean! [long pause as Michael tries to recompose himself] Jan, look, if you want to apologize, I'll-
JAN hangs up. MICHAEL looks panicked.
Meanwhile, KELLY is at the reception desk with PAM.
KELLY:
Oh, my God, Pam, I am so sorry. You must be freaking out. I would be freaking out!
PAM:
Over what?
KELLY:
You know…[whispering] J hooking up with K on the DL?
PAM:
I don't know what any of that means.
KELLY:
Ugh, you are so brave. But hey, if you need some relationship advice, you know homegirl's got your back.
PAM:
Thanks, but I don't think I need any help from you. [Kelly looks offended. Trying to recover] I mean, the general you, not you personally.
KELLY:
Fine. I see how it is. Just don't come crying to me when Jim stomps all over your heart and moves to New York and starts going clubbing with all kinds of white girls and never returns your calls…[Kelly begins to weep. PAM sighs and looks at camera.]
PAM [TH]:
You know, if Jim and I ever do have a serious problem, I think I will talk to Kelly about it. It'll be a nice reminder that even if things get bad-like, really, really bad-my problems won't ever be as big as Kelly's.
MICHAEL emerges from his office.
MICHAEL:
Everyone, we have a crisis!
DWIGHT:
Crisis everybody! Listen up! What's wrong, Michael? Is there a fire? A bat? Down-sizing?
MICHAEL:
Worse. Worse than all of those things.
TOBY:
What's the problem?
MICHAEL:
Your existence is the problem, Toby, so why don't you just put a plastic bag over your head and leave it there forever. [pause] Sorry, that was…I am under a lot of stress right now, and Toby is making it worse by breathing. Jan…has decided not to go with me to the reunion tonight.
OSCAR:
Michael, you shouldn't say "we have a crisis" unless it's something serious.
MICHAEL:
Are issues of a man's heart not serious, Oscar? When your boyfriend says that he won't go to the Pride Parade with you, do you not cry?
OSCAR:
How is this like a Pride Parade?
MICHAEL:
Well, I'm proud! Or at least I was going to be, when I walked in with Jan! But now that that's not happening, all I'm left with is shame. Straight shame!
ANGELA:
I don't see what this has to do with us.
MICHAEL:
Oh, of course not. You know, I would do anything for you people. And no one here can even do me this one simple favor.
PAM:
You didn't say anything about a favor.
MICHAEL:
Well, it's not so much a favor, as…a show of your gratitude.
PAM:
What's the favor?
MICHAEL:
I need a new plus-one for tonight.
PAM:
[instinctively] I can't.
MICHAEL:
Did I say I was asking you? Jeez, you're so vain. Janet Jackson!
MEREDITH:
I don't have anything to do tonight. We could go.
MICHAEL:
OK, well, don't you have a kid to take care of?
MEREDITH:
I can get a babysitter.
MICHAEL:
Well, you know, a babysitter can't replicate that all-important mother-son bond. So maybe you should take tonight to reaffirm that sacred bond, before that creepy kid of yours becomes a serial killer or something. Angela?
ANGELA:
Michael, I can't just go on a date with my boss. I don't want a reputation as the office slut. [she directs a glance at an oblivious KELLY.]
MICHAEL:
No, it's not a date, you guys…[getting increasingly frustrated]
ANDY:
Well, in that case, Mikey, why not a guys night out?
DWIGHT:
Yeah, guys night! Kick ass!
MICHAEL:
OK, you two need to cool it, before you start making out or something. This isn't a date, and it isn't a guys night, it's…how do I explain this. I need to be accompanied by a woman friend. Someone who I'm not dating, but feasibly could date if I wanted to. Like Kelly.
KELLY:
[slightly uncomfortable] Um, will there be actual high school kids there?
MICHAEL:
What? No, I don't think so.
KELLY:
Then, no.
KELLY [TH]:
High school was probably the funnest time of my life. Teenagers are just so cool! Well, except for the losers. But for the most part, [leans in] sometimes I feel like I could have more intelligent conversations with teenagers than with the people in this office.
DWIGHT [TH]:
I never received formal schooling. My parents thought it would turn me into a mindless sheep, and they were always right about everything. The social worker thought I would never learn how to socialize with other people. Well, you know what? Other people are overrated. Besides, do you think public school teaches you how to track a deer by its scent? Or how to smell danger? No. They privilege the senses of sight and hearing, but they completely neglect the sense of smell. Idiots.
Back to main office.
MICHAEL:
You know, I can't believe how little you people care. If Ryan were here, he would go with me. Not as a date, of course. I would be going as his daddy.
PAM laughs and she and JIM share a look.
MICHAEL:
Well, I'm glad you two can find comedy in a man's broken heart.
JIM:
Michael, it's not your heart that's broken, it's your ego.
MICHAEL:
No, Jim…you don't get it. This reunion isn't just about my ego. It's about…showing the world, or at least my graduating class, that I have found some sort of happiness in this crazy, messed up world. If I don't show up with a woman like Jan, or a guy like Ryan, then…then everyone was right about me. This may come as a shock to you all, but I was not always as popular or powerful or good-looking as I am today.
JIM:
Unbelievable.
ANDY:
I find it even less believable.
MICHAEL:
Well, believe it or not, Ripley.
MICHAEL [TH]:
In high school, there was this bully named Tim Freeman. And he made my life a living hell, on purpose. Once, just to spite me, he decided to go out with a girl that I liked. And when I confronted him about it, he pretended not to know who I was. And then we almost got into a fight, but the girl stopped it by punching me in the eye. That is what I'm going back to tonight. And that is why I have to make a good entrance at this reunion.
KELLY [TH]:
My most embarrassing high school moment was probably when my [air-quotes] friend wore the exact same dress as me to prom, even though I told her what I was wearing. But I looked way cuter in it, so it was really only embarrassing for her.
Back to main office.
MICHAEL:
You guys don't know what it's like to have the past rear its ugly head like this. To wonder whether you can ever really overcome it. I haven't seen these people in years…but tonight, it's going to be like nothing ever changed, and I'm just going to be the same pathetic nobody. [MICHAEL looks near tears again.]
PAM looks sympathetic.
PAM:
Michael, if it means that much to you…I'll go with you.
MICHAEL:
You will?
PAM:
Under one condition.
MICHAEL:
Anything.
PAM:
We're going as friends. You will NOT introduce me as your date.
MICHAEL:
Yeah yeah yeah, anything you say.
PAM:
We're clear on this? I'm not your girlfriend, or lover-
MICHAEL:
No, Pam, shush, you're being vain again. Does everybody see this? This is a true employee. This is the Dunder Mifflin spirit! Oh, Pam, you are getting such a huge raise.
PAM:
Really?
MICHAEL:
Well, it's just an expression.
MICHAEL goes back to his office.
KELLY approaches PAM.
KELLY:
Wow, this is such a good plan! Using Michael to make Jim jealous? Maybe you should be giving me dating advice. Ugh, what am I saying?
KELLY goes back to her desk and JIM and PAM share an amused look.
PAM [TH]:
Yes. In order to get back at my boyfriend for being dragged into seeing his ex again, I am going with my emotionally stunted boss to a high school reunion as his friend. Jim won't even know what hits him.
END Act 1.
Act 2
Int. Dunder Mifflin.
MICHAEL: [TH]
The Chinese have a saying: Revenge is a dish best served…well done…No, it's, the best revenge is living well. Well, tonight, I am going to get my revenge, by showing everyone how well I am living. Revenge will be served.
Int. Dunder Mifflin, Break room
ANDY sits down next to MEREDITH, who is snacking.
ANDY:
So, I guess this is the rejects' table. Just like high school, right?
MEREDITH:
I was popular in high school.
ANDY:
So was I. I just assumed that you-
MEREDITH gets up and walks away.
ANDY:
I thought we were friends, Meredith!
ANDY [TH]:
I don't remember anything in high school to be embarrassed about. You might say I have no shame.
MEREDITH [TH]:
One time, I was at this party, and I got so wasted, that I ended up flashing the entire Varsity Football Team before passing out. I woke up with vomit in my hair wearing some guy's jersey, I don't know whose. So, that was probably the most fun I had in high school. What was the question again?
ANGELA [TH]:
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't really have any wild stories to tell. Some people feel school is a place for learning, not for "hooking up" with random strangers. Of course, looking around this office, I see some things never change. I won't name names. But I will say that I'm talking about every woman in this office other than myself.
The employees are heading out the door. JIM approaches PAM's desk.
JIM:
Ready for the big date tonight?
PAM:
Why, are you jealous?
JIM:
Well, you know, Michael is a very attractive, very successful man.
PAM:
Mh-hm.
MICHAEL and DWIGHT approach them, unseen by JIM.
JIM:
Just promise me you won't go too far with him. At least not on the first date.
MICHAEL:
[trying to joke along] Oh, Jim, you know you can trust me. Pam, on the other hand…she's a wild one! A little…firecracker…if you know what I mean…
JIM:
Michael…
MICHAEL:
Someone's gettin' laid tonight!
JIM:
Nope.
DWIGHT:
[trying to get in on the joke] Yeah, and then while you and Pam are out, maybe Jim will hook back up with Karen!
JIM:
That's certainly not going to…
MICHAEL:
[stifling his laughter] You know, Dwight, that was just…so inappropriate. We were just joking around, having a little innocent, friendly ribbing, and you had to go and make things weird.
DWIGHT looks shamed.
MICHAEL:
So, Jim, don't worry. I will be a perfect gentleman. The ball begins at seven of the clock. I will have the fair lady back by midnight!
PAM:
Actually, Michael, I have to be back by 9:30, Jim and I have to get up really early tomorrow.
JIM:
Oh, actually, I forgot to tell you, that thing was cancelled. So you two can stay out as long as you want.
PAM shoots a look at JIM, who smiles innocently.
MICHAEL:
Oh, good. Pam, care to take my arm?
PAM:
Um…I'm good.
MICHAEL:
Alrighty then…Your carriage awaits!
PAM:
Carriage…you mean your PT Cruiser?
MICHAEL:
As you like it, m'lady.
JIM gives PAM his trademark mocking grin. She smiles back in a "you're gonna get it later" look. She and MICHAEL leave. KELLY gives PAM an animated wink on her way out.
DWIGHT: [to JIM]
Did I say something offensive?
DWIGHT: [Talking Head]
Some people say I'm insensitive. Just goes to show you how backwards the American school system is. They teach kids to care more about tact then survival. Animals don't worry about etiquette. They're too busy trying to fight off other animals. If humans focused their energy onto fighting other people instead of making friends with them, maybe they would live longer.
Ext. West Scranton High
MICHAEL and PAM pull into the parking lot. They are both dressed formally, but Michael is way overdressed, wearing a tuxedo and bowtie. PAM exits the car before MICHAEL. He sees a group of people walk by.
MICHAEL:
Oh, shoot, Pam, I left something at home when I stopped there to get dressed. Get back in the car.
PAM:
What did you forget?
MICHAEL:
Just-I'll tell you on the way.
PAM gets back into the car. MICHAEL gets out, runs around to her side and opens the door for her, looking around to make sure people can see his "chivalrous gesture."
MICHAEL:
I guess I didn't forget it after all. My mistake.
PAM rolls her eyes. MICHAEL tries putting his arm around her, but she is not having it.
MICHAEL [TH]:
Once, I tried to join the Chess Club at my school. As a joke, of course. Everyone knows the people there are lame. But, apparently, you have to know how to play chess to join, and so, I was rejected. From the Chess Club.
Int. WSH Gymnasium.
Tables are set up and banners display "Welcome Back Class of '83!" 80's music plays. PAM and MICHAEL enter and go to the welcoming table, manned by a too-perky-for-her-age blonde woman named Cindy.
.
CINDY:
Hi, welcome back to West Scranton High!
MICHAEL:
Ah, happy to be back, [reads nametag] Cindy!
CINDY:
[to Pam]: So, are you a former Invader too?
MICHAEL:
Invader? I hardly knew her!
[MICHAEL is the only one amused.]
PAM:
Oh, no, I'm just a guest. Um, excuse me, I'm going to get a drink.
PAM walks off.
MICHAEL:
Wait, just…
CINDY:
Can I get your name?
MICHAEL:
Well, surely you remember moi, mademoiselle?
CINDY:
Yeah, of course I remember you, I just…can't place the name at the moment…
MICHAEL:
[disappointed] Michael Scott.
CINDY:
[feigning recollection] Oh, of course! How have you been, Michael?
MICHAEL:
Great! You?
CINDY:
Super! It's great to see you again! Here's your name tag, and if you can fill out the lucky lady's…
MICHAEL:
Oh, she's not lucky…[realizes the potential to capitalize on her mistake]…er-because I am the lucky one!
CINDY:
Aw, that's so sweet.
MICHAEL:
Well, you know, I'm just very proud of all that I have accomplished since high school, professionally, romantically…
But CINDY is already greeting other alumni in the same artificial manner.
MICHAEL writes on PAM's nametag.
CREED [TH]:
My most embarrassing high school moment happened when a teacher spotted me on campus, and realized I was not a high school student.
MICHAEL rejoins PAM. She only has one cup in her hand.
MICHAEL:
You couldn't get me a drink? Jeez, selfish…Here's your nametag.
MICHAEL leans in to put it on her, but goes a little too close to PAM's chest for comfort.
PAM:
Here, I'll get it…Wait, this says Jan!
We close in on the nametag, and it does indeed say "Jan."
MICHAEL:
Oh, did I…whoops! Oh, well, just wear it.
PAM:
Hey, speaking of Jan, why did she keep mumbling under her breath the whole time we were at your place?
MICHAEL:
Oh, who knows why Jan does the things she does.
MICHAEL [TH]:
[feigning innocence] I don't know why, but somehow Jan is under the impression that Pam and I used to date.
Back to WSH Gym.
PAM:
Hey, there's Phyllis and Bob.
MICHAEL:
Who cares, we see Phyllis every day- [PHYLLIS and BOB approach] Bob, Phyllis! Fancy running into you two here!
PHYLLIS:
You knew we were coming, Michael. You look really nice, Pam.
PAM:
Thanks! You too.
MICHAEL:
Jeez, get a room, you two! Bet you'd like to see that, right Bob?
BOB glares at MICHAEL.
MICHAEL:
So, Phyllis, did you run into any of the ole' gang yet?
PHYLLIS:
What old gang?
MICHAEL:
Oh, I forgot, Phyllis and I weren't really in the same social pond in school. In fact, you could say, Phyllis was a big fish in a small pond. Just a very large, round fish with scoliosis.
PHYLLIS looks offended, while BOB holds back his anger.
BOB:
We'll let you get back to finding some of your old friends, Michael. That should keep you occupied.
MICHAEL:
Yes, well, I do have a lot of people to say hello too.
BOB:
Right.
PHYLLIS and BOB part ways with PAM and MICHAEL.
MICHAEL:
[Michael scans the room for a familiar face.] Wow, I don't even recognize half these people. They must have been total losers.
PAM [TH]:
Why am I here with Michael? Good question. I'll answer with a story. One time, Michael brought his yearbook into the office to show us all some old pictures. And in it, all anybody had written was "Have a nice summer," or "See you next year." The most personalized messages were "Mitchell, you're the best," and "Hope next year you grow a pair." So, if I didn't come, I'm not sure who he would have to talk to. And no one should have to face their past alone, right?
Ext. Dunder Mifflin
JIM is heading to his car when he gets a call on his cell.
JIM:
Hello? [pause] Karen. How did you get this…um, I mean, how are you? [pause] Uh-huh. [pause] You would? Um…yeah, you're right…well, I don't know…Pam is…are you sure? Um…maybe sometime. Maybe, uh…Hello?
JIM [TH]:
So, apparently Karen wants to meet with me. She says
she didn't like where we left things…well, where I left things, in her words. Says she wants closure. But I don't know. Why bring up the past? I just want to close the door on that part of my life. Even if her last memory of us features me in a woman's uniform and a fake moustache.
END Act 2.
Act 3
Int. Dunder Mifflin, Utica Branch.
KAREN [TH]:
No, I'm not trying to steal Jim from Pam. That's ridiculous. I just need to move on, and I can't do that until we talk out our issues like two mature adults. And besides, it wouldn't be stealing, since technically I had him first. [pause] That was supposed to be a joke. You guys can edit that out, right?
Int. WSH Gym.
PHYLLIS and BOB are mingling. A large, well-dressed woman named ELLEN approaches.
ELLEN:
Phyllis Lapin, is that you?
PHYLLIS:
Ellen! Oh my gosh, how have you been?
ELLEN:
I've been great! I haven't seen you at any of the past reunions. Which is it, life after high school so good you have no need to come back, or so awful that you're too embarrassed?
PHYLLIS' face falls. BOB approaches.
BOB:
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
PHYLLIS:
[proudly] Ellen, this is my husband.
ELLEN:
Wow, I see you've been busy.
PHYLLIS:
Oh, you were always the busy one. Always chasing after the boys. Are you married now?
ELLEN:
Oh, no, I'm a confirmed bachelorette. I could never be tamed by a man like you have.
PHYLLIS:
Oh, well, I'm sure you could if any man was willing!
ELLEN:
[after a short yet painful pause] Well, it was so nice seeing you!
PHYLLIS:
You too!
ELLEN wanders off.
PHYLLIS [TH]:
I always hated that bitch. [PHYLLIS smiles triumphantly.]
MICHAEL and PAM are still walking around awkwardly. MICHAEL spots a group of alumni, laughing and reminiscing.
GUY #1:
…and remember Mr. Handell? How he flirted with like, half the girls in our eighth grade class?
The group all laugh. MICHAEL approaches, followed by PAM.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, Mr. Handell was the best!
GUY #2:
Um…hi. I'm sorry, I don't think I recognize you.
MICHAEL:
[merrily] Well, it's been a long time. Michael Scott. [MICHAEL extends his hand for a handshake and GUY #2 accepts.]
GUY #2:
Michael Scott…[it clicks] oh, yeah, I remember you! [everyone looks a little awkward over seeing Michael again.] So, did your, uh, comedy career ever pan out?
The group all look like they are trying to stifle their laughter.
MICHAEL:
Well, in a way. You could say I perform in front of an audience of a dozen people every day.
GUY #1:
Oh, yeah? That's great.
It gets silent. The group clearly has nothing to talk about with Michael.
PAM:
[breaking the silence] Hi, I'm Pam.
MICHAEL:
Yes! Sorry, uh, this is my lovely partner, Pam.
PAM:
Partner?
MICHAEL [TH]:
The homosexuals have devised a brilliant maneuver. They will sometimes refer to their boyfriend or girlfriend as their "partner" in order not to offend anyone. It's so smart, because the word is so meaningless. So tonight, I will be taking a page from the gays by introducing Pam as my partner. She can't get offended by that.
Back to scene.
MICHAEL:
Well, we have sort of a complicated relationship…
PAM does not look pleased.
MICHAEL:
A complicated business relationship. We're business partners, actually.
PAM:
Michael's being generous. I'm actually his receptionist.
MICHAEL:
See, told you it was complicated. I can't even remember what she does half the time. But she's great, really. She is the hardest working receptionist since Monica Lewinski. [PAM looks embarrassed. MICHAEL tries to backtrack.] I'm kidding of course. We are actually both seeing other people. The love of my life, Jan, was supposed to be here tonight, but she…is sick. Terribly, terribly sick.
WOMAN:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, well, she still looks gorgeous though. She's been very strong. We're thinking of setting up a foundation, actually, in order to raise awareness for this crippling illness.
WOMAN:
What does she have?
MICHAEL:
Well, it's hard to talk about, really. It's been especially hard for the children.
PAM looks at the camera, more amused than appalled.
GUY #2:
How many kids do you have?
MICHAEL:
Seven, actually. We're like the Von Trapp family. Always singing, and laughing, and…fighting racial injustice… [PAM nods along, struggling to keep a straight face] And even though we're going through tough times, I thank God every day for giving me such a wonderful, fulfilling life. I can show you a picture of Jan, if you'd like.
The group is becoming more and more interested. Michael shows them a picture on his phone.
MICHAEL:
Nice, huh? [The guys look impressed.]
Even better than Pam over here. She's just…beautiful, and kind, very caring and nurturing…[PAM looks at the camera quizzically, mouthing "Nurturing?"] And I know you're not gonna believe this, but her boobs are totally natural…
It gets silent again.
WOMAN:
So, what illness does your wife have again?
MICHAEL:
[Thinking for a while] Total heart ecliptitus.
More awkward stares.
MICHAEL:
Well, we'd better get going. People to see, people to do. [laughs]
MICHAEL appears much more confident than before.
MICHAEL:
Pam, may I have this dance?
PAM:
Michael, no one's dancing.
MICHAEL:
Well, good, we'll be the only two on the floor. Everyone will notice us!
PAM:
Oh, then definitely not.
MICHAEL [TH]:
I never attended a dance in high school. No, wait, I take that back. I went once, by myself. I thought I could get up the nerve to ask a girl, but I never did. Finally, this beautiful Amazon of a woman approached me and asked me if I wanted to dance with her. I was so nervous, and so happy. But in all my excitement, I sort of lost my balance and ended up tripping on her dress and crashing to the floor. And then she accidentally stepped on me with her high heel. I was in the hospital for a few days.
MICHAEL spots a familiar face across the room.
MICHAEL:
Oh, my God, is that him?
PAM:
Who?
MICHAEL:
Oh, my God…Pam, that's Tim Freeman. He bullied me all through high school.
PAM:
Him?
We see TIM, a skinny, harmless looking fellow. He is surrounded by a few friends, and a tall, pretty woman named KIRSTEN.
MICHAEL:
Oh, we gotta get out of here, Pam.
PAM:
Michael, look, you're a big boy now. You can't let him intimidate you still.
MICHAEL:
You're right, you're right. We should stay.
PAM:
Well…
MICHAEL:
I need to be brave. I am a successful man now. I can do this. We came all this way, and I can't just let this guy ruin this like he's ruined everything else in my life. I need to confront him.
PAM:
No, you don't need to do that!
MICHAEL:
Yes, Pam, how else am I going to show him how stable my life is now?
PAM:
Michael-
END Act 3.
Act 4
WSH Gym
MICHAEL approaches TIM, while PAM keeps a watchful distance.
MICHAEL:
Hi, Tim Freeman? Michael Scott. You probably remember me from ruining my life 25 years ago.
TIM and his friends all look confused.
TIM:
I'm sorry, who are you?
MICHAEL:
Michael Scott. [Tim still shows no recollection.] Wow. Amazing how quickly we forget the past. Yet, 25 years and you're still the same big jerk.
KIRSTEN:
Hey, you can't talk to my husband like that!
TIM:
[calmly] It's OK, Kirsten. Let's just talk this out.
MICHAEL:
Kirsten? Are…aren't you the girl who…
KIRSTEN:
Who what?
TIM's friends MATT jumps in.
MATT:
Hey, yeah, I know you! You're the kid who used to always do those magic tricks.
KIRSTEN:
Oh, yeah! Didn't we get in a fight one time?
MICHAEL:
No, no. I did not get in a fight with a girl! I was going to get in a fight with Tim, and you just came out of nowhere and sucker punched me.
MATT:
That's not how I remember it.
MICHAEL:
[to TIM] God, you actually married her? To what lengths won't you go to in order to humiliate me?
TIM:
What are you talking about?
MICHAEL:
I'll tell you what I'm talking about-
PAM:
Michael, let's just go-[PAM grabs MICHAEL by the arm]
MICHAEL:
No, wait, Pam, let me speak my peace! I have held it too long! [to TIM] All through high school, you treated me worse than I treat my least favorite employees. The time you wouldn't pass the ball to me in P.E., the time you wouldn't let me into the Chess Club…But you know what? The joke is on you, pal. Because you may have gotten the girl I wanted in high school. But you see this girl over here? She's mine. And she is about a thousand times hotter than the one you got-
PAM's jaw drops.
TIM:
Alright, that's it-
KIRSTEN:
No, I've got this!
KIRSTEN moves towards Michael, who cowers, loses his balance, trips over a table, and screams "No! Not again!" as he falls right on his face, taking the whole table and several dishes with him.
PAM:
Oh, my God! Michael!
TIM:
Is he OK? Someone call an ambulance!
Ext. WSH Gym.
MICHAEL sits outside with an icepack on his forehead. PAM is by his side.
MICHAEL is wincing and moaning in pain.
MICHAEL:
Y'know, the Chinese were totally wrong about revenge. They should have watched Carrie.
PAM:
I called Jan, she should be here soon. Michael, are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital?
MICHAEL:
I am not going to a hospital, Pam. I just want to go home with Jan, where I should have stayed. I never should have come here tonight.
PAM:
Michael…
MICHAEL:
No, don't…don't try to make me feel better. I know you only came here tonight out of pity. You guys think I don't know how you all feel about me? It's just like high school, nothing's changed. I try so hard to get attention, I just…I just want people to like me, and pay attention to me, and laugh at my jokes, and believe that I am more successful than they are. Is that so much to ask?
PAM:
Michael, you are successful. You're the regional manager of a small-
MICHAEL:
Oh, Pam, don't be so shallow. That kind of success doesn't matter. What matters is having friends and family and people who will nurture and care for you no matter what. I don't have that. I mean, yeah, Jan is hot, and smart, and up until recently, very stable…but she doesn't support anything I do.
PAM:
Well, maybe you should tell her how you feel. Honesty is important in a relationship.
MICHAEL:
I've tried, but Jan always calls me a pansy when I express my feelings.
PAM:
Look, Michael, at least you were brave enough to come back and see these people, even after all the bad stuff you imagined they put you through. Jan wouldn't be that brave. I don't even know if I would.
MICHAEL:
Oh, of course you would. You're the bravest person I know.
PAM:
Thanks, Michael.
DWIGHT runs up.
DWIGHT:
Michael! Are you hurt? Pam, what did you do to him?
MICHAEL:
What are you doing here?
DWIGHT:
I heard sirens. I assumed the worst, as I always do. Now what happened?
PAM:
He just had a little fall. He's fine.
DWIGHT:
I'll be the judge of that. Do you need a pillow?
MICHAEL:
No, Dwight, I…well, if you have one, that would be great.
DWIGHT:
I'll go get one.
MICHAEL:
Wait, Dwight. You cared that much to drive over here and check on me?
DWIGHT:
Of course. I would do anything for you.
MICHAEL:
Wow. That is so…queer.
PAM rolls her eyes. JIM arrives and he and PAM go off to talk while DWIGHT sits next to MICHAEL.
JIM:
Hey, I got your call. How did this happen?
PAM:
How do these things usually happen with Michael?
JIM:
Poor guy. [pause] Hey, you'll never believe who I got a call from tonight. Karen.
PAM:
Wow. What did she say?
JIM:
She says she wants to meet with me. Just to talk. But, probably to yell at me. Some more. Crazy, right?
PAM:
[thinking for a second] I think you should do it.
JIM:
Really? Not expecting that.
PAM:
Why shouldn't you?
JIM:
Because she would probably just yell at me? Some more?
PAM:
Yeah, but…I think you owe it to her to talk things out. I think you owe it to yourself.
JIM:
I thought we decided to close the book on Karen?
PAM:
Yeah, but…it isn't really over, is it? She still feels bad about stuff, and you still feel bad about stuff…
JIM:
Yeah, I guess I do. [sighs] Why are you right all the time, Beasley?
PAM:
Well, it helps that I'm smarter than you.
JIM:
Oh, right.
PAM:
And cooler.
JIM:
Don't push it.
DWIGHT is sitting next to MICHAEL on the steps, trying to console him.
MICHAEL:
Man, I can't believe that you're here for me, and my own girlfriend isn't.
DWIGHT:
I know, how awesome is that?
MICHAEL:
No, Dwight, it's not…[sighs] I don't know. Maybe this should have been a guy's night out. You, me, Jim, Andy…Pam, maybe, if she tapes those things down, she could pass…It's just nice to know that I have friends I can count on.
DWIGHT:
Thanks, Michael. [quietly, as if sharing a powerful secret] You know, I think it's time you start considering the very real possibility that Jan is a Cylon.
MICHAEL:
Do you think I haven't considered that, Dwight? [pause] What the hell is a Cylon?
DWIGHT:
Glad you asked. Cylons are sexually attractive androids bent on destroying the human race-
MICHAEL:
Why are you born this way?
"Total Eclipse of the Heart" can be heard starting from inside the school. PAM and JIM hug and he whispers something in her ear. PAM looks over at MICHAEL and then approaches him.
PAM:
Michael…may I have this dance?
MICHAEL:
Really?
PAM:
Of course.
DWIGHT:
[emotionally putting his hand on Michael's shoulder]
Go.
MICHAEL smiles and accepts PAM's hand.
DWIGHT: [TH]
My friend was hurt deeply tonight. Both emotionally and physically. And for that, I will never forgive the public school system.
MICHAEL and PAM dance awkwardly. MICHAEL attempts to twirl her, and even tries to turn it into a tango at one point. JIM watches with an amused expression. JAN is also watching from her car, a vicious expression on her face. She peels out of the parking lot.
MICHAEL [TH]:
[over the action just described] You can't run from your past. Eventually, it just comes back to find you. The ironic thing is, in order to fully be a mature adult, you first have to face your childhood. You have to close the door on your past, but first you have to open it. It's like the old saying goes: When God closes a door, he has to open another door…and then close that one. So that thou shalt forgive and be forgiven. Amen. [pause] I think that's from Letivicus.
Ext. Dunder Mifflin, Day.
PAM is on her cell outside.
PAM:
Hey, Karen? It's Pam. I was just thinking that we should get together and talk sometime. If that's OK with you. I know things are different now, but just because it's different doesn't mean it has to be weird, right? So call me back. Bye.
MICHAEL [TH]:
You have to grow up sometime. [as he speaks, we see PAM and JIM greet KAREN and her new BOYFRIEND in a coffee shop, smiling, but still a little awkward.] We'd all like to be Peter Pan, staying young and immature, and flying around with fairies…[we see MICHAEL in his office, a bandage on his forehead.] But you can't stay in Neverland forever. Just ask Michael Jackson.
End Act 4.
Tag Scene
TOBY: [TH]
[disappointed] I hate office rumors. They spread around, and they get people's hopes up, and then nothing changes.
JIM and PAM chat at PAM's desk.
PAM:
See, it wasn't that painful.
JIM:
Yes, it was.
PAM:
Ok, kinda.
They laugh.
We pan back to CREED's desk, where KEVIN walks by and lays down $50. CREED smiles.
CREED:
No, I wouldn't say it's the easiest 50 bucks I ever made. I would tell you what was, but the trial is still pending.
END.