A/N: This story is inspired by the song "Angry All The Time" by Bruce Robinson.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Walking Dead or it's characters. Nor do I own the song.
WARNING: There may be possible triggers in this though I'm not sure exactly what for. Just consider yourselves warned.
*Some flashbacks are in Italics
Angry All The Time
Rick stared at the glass on the table in front of him and rubbed his hands over his face.
He could hear her shouting at him but the words didn't register in his head. When he looked up, he could see the anger in her eyes and her lips moving but he couldn't hear her voice.
He quickly stood and stumbled towards the sink with his glass in his hand.
Beth stopped yelling and watched him down the whiskey that was in the glass and put it in the sink.
"Did you hear me, Rick?" She asked.
He hung his head in response and leaned against the counter, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Beth huffed and rolled her eyes before picking up her own glass and slamming it down on the floor at his feet, the contents and glass scattering over the floor.
A silence settled over them as Beth continued to stare at him and Rick focused his gaze on the shards of glass covering the floor.
The sound of the front door closing and voices filled the silence.
"Mommy? Daddy?"
Both looked towards the door. Rick pushed himself away from the counter and grabbed the keys to his truck, letting the front door slam on his way out.
Beth sighed and reached for one of the menus on the fridge.
"Pick out what y'all want and order it," she said, handing the menu to Carl before fishing some money out of her purse on the kitchen table.
Carl looked at the menu, then his sister and brothers and shook his head.
"C'mon, were goin' out," he told them and with that they were gone.
Beth stood in the living room, staring at their wedding pictures on the wall and wiped away the tears that came flooding back at the memories.
Rick twirled her around the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife.
They each wore smiles, the light in Beth's eyes causing Rick's smile to grow even wider.
After they had cut the cake, Beth danced with Carl and Rick danced with Judith standing on his feet before joining each other for their final dance of the night.
Rick placed one arm around Beth's waist and let his free hand rest on her stomach as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
Six months later they welcomed their first son, Chase.
Rick hit the steering wheel at the memory of Beth's smile and laugh.
His grip on the steering wheel tightened until his knuckles were white. He put the truck in park, grabbed the bottle of whiskey he had stashed under the seat, got out and stumbled towards the rows of headstones.
He found Lori's marker and sunk to the ground.
Taking a few gulps, he let his head fall back onto the headstone behind him as he stared at Lori's headstone.
"I don't understand it," he mumbled. "Is it just me? Did I push you away? Am I pushin' her away? Am I the one to blame?" He took another drink. "I don't know why she's angry all the time. Never really knew why you were either."
He sat there for an hour, mumbling his apologies to Lori and Beth and cursing himself.
The two women only had one thing in common and that was him.
"It's too late to keep from goin' crazy. I've got to get away," he slurred as he rose to his feet. He fell to the ground several times, the bottle never leaving his hands, before making it back to his truck and crawling inside.
The house was quiet and dark when he stumbled through the door and made his way to the couch, throwing himself on it and pulling his blanket over his head.
Beth woke up the next morning, started the coffee maker and fixed breakfast before waking the kids up for school.
While they were eating, she poured a cup of coffee and placed it on the table beside the couch with two aspirins.
Waking up to find Rick passed out on the couch had become normal and a part of their routine.
She wished it wasn't this way but she couldn't change it.
Rick woke up when the sun peeked through the curtains, disturbing his sleep.
He washed the aspirin down with the coffee then laid back down, facing the back of the couch. He rubbed his eyes and forced himself to get up a few minutes later and go to work.
He wished he could shirk his duties but, as Sheriff, he couldn't. There was no way around them.
Everyone stared as he walked through the police station. He could only imagine how bad he looked to them with the bags under his bloodshot eyes, his wrinkled uniform and the lingering smell of liquor on his breath that he couldn't get rid of.
He went straight to his office, ignoring the receptionist, and locked the door. Sitting down at his desk, he picked up the picture of Beth and their kids and studied their happy faces. Beth was holding their baby girl with Judith sitting next to her, Carl had Chase in a headlock but both were laughing and their youngest boy, Levi, was sitting in Rick's lap. They were the perfect family. All of them were happy.
He placed the picture face down on his desk and pulled out the flask he kept in the bottom drawer.
"Do you want her, Rick?" Beth asked.
He turned around to face her. She glared at him, doing her best not to cry.
"What?"
"I'm your wife and you're lettin' that woman flirt with you. What the hell's gotten into you?"
"Beth, baby..."
"No!" She snapped and pointed her finger at him, "don't you dare 'baby' me. You asked me to come here with you and you spend the whole night with everyone but me and our baby, then you let that bitch hit on you in front of me. No wonder Lori left you."
Before she could stomp off, Rick grabbed her, pulling her close to him, and kissed her. She pushed him away and slapped him.
"I can't believe it! You've been drinkin'!" She clenched her fists, "I'm gettin' Ava and we're goin' home. I don't care if you come with us or not."
Beth hurried to Rick's office where Ava was asleep in her carrier. She quickly grabbed their things and reached for Ava's carrier only to have her hand pushed away by Rick as he picked her up.
"Let's go," he mumbled.
Neither of them said a word as they got in the car and drove off.
Beth leaned her head against the passenger side window and sighed. "I'm sorry, Rick. I didn't mean to say what I did. I know you would never cheat on me."
Rick shook his head but didn't say anything.
Beth raised her head to look at him. "I just don't understand why you'd let her do that in front of me and everyone we know."
"I wasn't 'letting' her do anythin'."
"It sure as hell looked like you were."
"What the hell do you want from me, Beth? You bitch at me whenever I try to touch you then you bitch at me when I don't. She wasn't doin' anythin' and you know I wouldn't do that to you. I know how it hurt when I found out Lori and Shane were fuckin' each other."
"I'm not...I'm sorry, Rick, but Ava is only four months old and she's sick. We can't just carry her out whenever you want. It's like you don't even care anymore."
"I don't care? You think I don't care? You've been pickin' fights just like Lori did and I don't know what the hell they're about."
Beth scowled at him. "I am nothin' like her!"
"Oh really?! Your moods change quicker than hers did!"
"Yeah, Rick. Maybe you're right. My moods do change quickly but yours would too if you were up all night, every night with Ava. Who was there when they put her in the hospital last month? I was. Not you. Me! So I'm sorry if I don't want to fuck you or even be around you but I'm more concerned with our daughter. If you don't like it, then pack your shit and get out!"
Rick looked over at her. "You want me to move out?"
"Maybe it would be best if you did."
"Fine," Rick said and turned his attention back to the road but it was too late.
Beth was a little worried when she saw Rick's car wasn't in the driveway when she pulled up to their house after work.
Carl helped her carry the groceries into the house while the other three started on their homework. Once the groceries were put away, she went to gather up the laundry to get it started but she stopped when she saw the door to the nursery had been left open and there wasn't anything inside.
She let her tears fall before quickly wiping them away when she heard footsteps coming down the hallway.
"Mommy?" Levi looked up at her, "when's daddy comin' home?"
"He'll be home soon," she said, forcing herself to smile.
Beth was sitting on the couch when Rick staggered through the door at 3 a.m.
He sat down in the closest chair but he didn't look at her.
She shook her head at the sight of him and despite the lump in her throat, she began to speak. "Our kids are the spittin' image of you, Rick. They look up to you. I just hope someday they can see past what you have become."
He rubbed his eyes when she stood to leave. He wanted to grab her and say he was sorry but just as he thought about doing it, she turned back to him.
"You need to clean up, Rick. I can't keep makin' excuses for your behavior whenever Chase or Levi asks where you are like I have been for months now. It's bad enough Carl and Judith remember how you were after Lori's death but I won't let the boys see their father like this. And one more thing, you need to put everythin' back in the nursery. You didn't ask me if I was ready."
The next day, after the kids were dropped off at school, Beth called her boss and asked for the day off.
She drove around for awhile before deciding on what she wanted to do.
Rick was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup off coffee when Beth walked in. She didn't say anything when he didn't look up at her.
When Beth sat down across from him with her own cup of coffee, he finally looked up at her and saw the sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry, " he mumbled, "I shouldn't have taken down everythin' in her room but it's been a year, Beth. You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind but we need to move on."
"I can't move on. Not yet. If you're ready to, that's great. I'm glad you are but I can't and I won't. This isn't easy for me, Rick."
"And you think it's easy for me? I know it's my fault. I haven't been the easiest person to live with but I just don't know why you gotta be angry all the time."
Beth gripped her coffee cup tighter and let out a shaky breath. "You...you were drinkin'. I should've drove but I was so tired and you pissed me off. She...our little girl died because of us," she took a deep breath as sobs racked her chest, "and you...you never once tried to be there not just for me but for the kids. You went to a bar and drank until you forgot about her. I needed you, Rick. They needed you. That's why I'm angry, why I hate lookin' at you. But I don't need you anymore."
"You think I didn't need you? You're the one who pulled away," he shouted.
"I had to! You didn't look at me the same. When she was born, I saw the way you looked at me like it was my fault she was sick. You never took the blame for anythin'. It's always been someone else's fault."
"What do you want from me, Beth?"
"I wanted you!"
"Well I'm right here."
"No you're not. You're not the same man I fell in love with and I know I'm not the same."
Rick watched her walk out of the kitchen with tears in her eyes. It wasn't the first time that had happened but he wanted it to be the last.
He waited until he heard the shower going to get up from the table and go into their bedroom.
He packed a bag, took off his wedding ring and laid it on the dresser next to Beth's own wedding ring with a note and was gone when Beth got out of the shower.
Beth noticed the closet door open when she stepped into the bedroom but she didn't think anything of it until she went over to the dresser and picked up her ring when she saw Rick's note and ring. Picking them both up, she sat down on the foot of the bed and began reading the note to herself.
Beth,
I love you more than you know and I know I don't say it as often as I should have but I do love you. That's why I'm leaving this for you. I want you to know that the reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love. I understand that loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough. I just never quite made it back to the one I was before and after Ava, I knew I'd never be the man you loved. It's my fault she's gone. And I remember every time I said I'd never leave but God, it hurts me to think of you and the way you used to be. I didn't want to admit it but I can see that the light in your eyes is gone and I know that's my fault, too. I should have been there for you but I wasn't and I can't change that. Sometimes I don't know why this old world can't leave well enough alone. Just know that I love you and I always will regardless of what has happened or what will happen.
-Rick
She tried her best not to cry, but she did anyways. For once, she wished she was angry, but she wasn't. She threw his ring across the room then laid back on the bed and curled up, crying herself to sleep.
Twenty days have came and went since he walked out.
Neither of them have said more than a few words to each other and those few occasions when they did speak, it was about the kids.
She didn't run to him and hug and kiss him like she wanted to. She didn't say how wrong he was, that none of it was entirely his fault. They were both to blame.
He didn't tell her he loved her and that he noticed she was still wearing her ring. He didn't want to let go of the hope he was holding on to. They hadn't been apart for long but it was long enough for him to realize he had made a mistake.
One night, Beth made sure the kids were fed and Carl knew when they were to go to bed before she left.
Pulling up outside of the bar, she parked next to Rick's truck and got out.
Inside, she searched the room until she found him in a corner booth by himself.
She took a deep breath and forced herself to take a step and then another.
Rick looked up when she sat down across from him but he wasn't sure he was actually seeing her until she reached across the table and took his hand in hers.
"I was wrong to blame you," she said softly, "and you're wrong to blame yourself. We're not perfect, Rick. We both screwed up and we're both to blame for everythin' that's gone wrong with us. But Ava, even if that night hadn't have happened, we knew there was a chance we could still lose her. It was her time ad there's nothin' either of us could've done. I was just lookin' for someone to blame."
Rick let his thumb rub circles on the back of her hand before he got up the nerve to speak.
"I understand why you were always mad. I wasn't there for you like I should have been. You brought me back after Lori died and then I let you down. You loved my kids like they were your own and that didn't change after we had the boys. I'm grateful for everythin' you did for us and for what you continue to do. I love you, Beth, and that's never changed."
"I know. I love you, too," she whispered and stood up, "We miss you, Rick. Will you come home?"
He nodded and stood up as well.
She smiled and let him out of the bar.
When they walked through the door, the kids were all asleep in the living room.
Rick followed Beth down the hallway to their bedroom but he didn't follow her inside, he stood in the doorway and watched as she moved around the room before finally going over to the dresser and opening her jewelry box.
She turned to face him and held up his ring.
"If you want this back," she took a few steps until she was standing in front of him, "you have to promise me you'll quit drinkin', that you'll come home to us every night and that you'll talk to me. Can you do that?"
"Yeah. As long as you promise you'll talk to me too."
"I promise," she said as she slipped his ring back onto his finger.
He raised his right hand to cup her cheek and leaned in to kiss her.
When they broke their kiss, Beth led Rick over to the bed where they both sat down and stared at each other.
"At some point," Beth spoke up, "we have to talk about everythin' that's happened. That needs to happen before we can be us again."
"I know," Rick said, pulling her closer to him, "but that can wait for another night."
A/N: I don't expect everyone to like this, so if you didn't, please don't be rude. If you did like it, though. Please leave a review. And thank you to everyone that has read it.
I did try to incorporate some of the lyrics and I hope I did it justice.