Harry Potter--With Weird Stuff
A\N: Hello! This is a part of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which I will add additions of my own into and make it different--and hopefully funnier. Of course, I quote, "I have everybody's sense of humor, but nobody has my sense of humor." Thanks for the quote, bunny chan!
And all the characters in this story have to watch! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
And all you dah-ling people, please R/R! Come to think of it, do that with American Witch too…^_^
Disclaimer: The stuff in normal print is mine, the italics are J.K's…And if that's plagarism, when I've TOLD you what's not mine, sue me. Well, actually, don't sue me, but tell me if it's plagarism, and I'll take it off immediately and never let it see the light of day again. Oh, and the quote, "Anything can be faked these days with a PC and flatbed scanner," is the property of Eoin Colfer, author of Artemis Fowl. And I got the idea of the characters making comments from Ravenclaw's Pride's Mary Sue Theater 2001.
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…then he was on the other side, in the last chamber.
There was already someone there--but it wasn't Snape. It wasn't even Voldemort.
It was Quirrell.
Harry blinked. "Why, hello Professor Quirrell! What a pleasant surprise! Why are you here?" He'd been expecting to meet Voldemort, and he got Quirrell!
Quirrell snapped his fingers. Ropes sprang out of thin air and wrapped themselves tightly around Harry.
"You're too nosy to live, Potter. Scurrying around the school on Halloween like that, for all I knew you'd seen me coming to look at what was guarding the stone."
"Why did you want to look at what was guarding the stone? I though Mister Evil Voldie-boy wanted the Stone," Harry said in a puzzled way. "And--hullo, why have you tied me up?"
*_*
Harry: I'm not that dim! You must change that at once!
Me: NEVER INSULT THE AUTHOR!!!! You will go on the stage and sing a song about Voldie and your scar after the show!
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Me: NEVER FIGHT THE AUTHOR!!!! You will also drop on the floor and gimme fifty after your song!
Harry: *sulkily stays silent*
Voldie: You're making him sing a song about me? How thoughtful!
Me: Thank you, Voldie. *pats him on the head* That's why you get to sit up here on my balcony in the velvet armchairs along with me and Hermione. Otherwise, you'd be down there with the ranks. *points down at the splintery wood seats where the rest of the characters sit* Now, back to the story.
*_*
"You stupid boy!" Quirrell bellowed. "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT'S SERVANT, AND I CARRY HIS SOUL!!! COWER BEFORE ME!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!" He reached for his turban.
"Interesting," Harry remarked.
*_*
Harry: *stays silent, although he's bursting to yell out that he's not that dim*
My Band of Police Officers: A fine of 2 million galleons for putting too much in between the asterisks!
Harry: WHAT?!?
MBoPO: Fine of 1 million galleons for getting ready to argue with us about your fine!
Harry: *sulkily stays silent*
Me: You're just not having a very good day, are you, Harry dear?
Harry: *sulkily stays silent*
MBoPO: Fine of 500 thousand galleons for not answering the author!
Me: All right, all right, that's enough, MBoPO. Now, pay your fines, Harry.
Harry: *hands over 3,500,000 galleons*
Ron: *eyes popping* YOU HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY?!?!?!?!?!?
Me: You will join Harry in his song about his scar and have a duet for speaking out of turn!
Ron: *gulps* Okay.
*_*
"SILENCE, POTTER!!!!!" a high voice boomed. "And, dumb slave, it is I who does the evil laughing and saying 'COWER BEFORE ME!!!' Capiche?"
"Yes, Master, of course, Master," Quirrell murmured.
"Actually, I thought Quirrell did it just a little better than you, Voldie," Harry remarked.
*_*
Harry: No! I thought he was horrible! Voldemort did it much better!
MBoPO: 2 million galleons for contradicting the author! 2 thousand for not calling Voldemort Voldie!
Harry: *hands over 2,002,000 galleons*
Voldie: Why thank you for fining him for not saying my name correctly!
Me: FOOL!!! THEY FINED HIM FOR NOT DESTROYING YOUR NAME!!!!! *kicks him off the balcony*
Voldie: *flying through the air* Mercy, great author! Mercy!
Me: Ah, shut up. Well, Hermione, it's just you and me now. I ought to find another character to be my second favorite…maybe Lupin…or perhaps Fluer Delacour.
Fluer Delacour: Oh, pleez, great author, it would honor me greatly.
Me: Okay, Fluerie, come on up!
Fluerie: Zank you! Zank you!
Me: What's zank?
Fluerie: Oh, it eez my accent, great author. I am zorry.
Me: No, that's okay, I like it, Fluerie. You are awarded 1 million galleons for being humble before me.
Fluerie: *dances in the shower of galleons*
*_*
"I cannot stand Harry Potter's stupidness any longer! Let me speak to him…face-to-face…"
"Master, you are not strong enough!"
"I have strength enough…for this…"
Harry felt as if Devil's Snare was rooting him to the spot. He couldn't move a muscle. Petrified, he watched as Quirrell reached up and began to unwrap his turban. What was going on? The turban fell away. Quirrell's head looked strangely small without it. Then he turned slowly on the spot.
Harry would have screamed, but he couldn't make a sound. Where there should have been a back to Quirrell's head, there was a face, the most terrible face Harry had ever seen. It was chalk white with glaring red eyes and slits for nostrils, like a snake.
"Harry Potter…" it whispered.
"Oh, come on," Harry said suddenly. Voldemort stared at him. Quirrell couldn't, since he had to face away from Harry to give Voldemort a view of him. "Anything can be faked these days with a PC and flatbed scanner, even though I have no idea what those two things are, so that statement probably doesn't even make sense. You really expect me to believe that's Voldie? And if it is Voldie…Wow, Voldie, you need to get out in the sun more. You're as white as sugar. And where did you get those red contacts? I've never seen red contacts before. By the way, your nose is NOT your most attractive feature. But I'm sure we can fix all that up with my friends Lavender and Pavarti. Lavender! Pavarti!" Harry clapped his hands twice.
Lavender Brown and Pavarti Patil appeared out of thin air and screamed at the sight of Voldemort.
*_*
Lavender and Pavarti: Hey! We're not such wimps!
Me: You will have to give each other makeovers on stage after the show and make each other as ugly as possible!
Lavender and Pavarti: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
Me: Thank you for properly appreciating my punishment.
*_*
"Oh, it's okay, girls. I just need you to give this excellent chap a makeover! Think you can do that?" They suddenly noticed him and fell at his feet, murmuring, "Yes, Master, of course, Master, anything you wish, Master."
"I thought I was Master!" Voldemort cried indignantly.
"No, now you're just their makeover subject…" Harry drawled. "Girls, begin."
*_*
Harry: Hey! I don't drawl! You're making me sound like Malfoy!
Malfoy: And what's wrong with that, git?
Me: No, no, no…No fighting during my show. And you'll drawl if I feel like it, Potter. Fine them both, MBoPO!
MBoPO: To hear is to obey, great author! We fine Harry Potter 4 million galleons for contradicting and criticizing the author, and Draco Malfoy 2 galleons for mostly being a good boy but fighting during the great author's show!
Harry: *hands over 4 million galleons*
Malfoy: *hands over 2 galleons*
*_*
Lavender and Pavarti surrounded Voldemort and you could hardly see him. They put blush all over his face, put in blue contacts, dyed his hair blond, and they transfigured his nose, and some poor handsome guy out there was left with a snake nose.
***
Edward was in the middle of trying to get a date. "Why, hello, what's your name?"
"Rosie," the girl said.
"Well, Rosie, I simply had to ask your name, because I've never seen such a beautiful girl before."
Rosie blushed. "Oh, well….BUT YOU'RE UGLY!!!! HELP!!!!!"
Poor Edward. His perfect nose was suddenly replaced with a snake nose.
"Huh?" he said, as Rosie knocked him out with her purse in a panic.
***
*_*
Rosie: I don't get scared just because a guy's nose is ugly!
Edward: And why did you have to take MY nose?
MBoPO: 2 million galleons, Rosie, for criticizing the great author, and 1 million galleons, Edward, for complaining!
Rosie and Edward: But we're Muggles!
Me: Oh, okay, then. Then that's 4 million dollars for Rosie, and 2 million dollars for Edward!
Rosie: *hands over 4 million dollars*
Edward: *hands over 2 million dollars*
Me: Wow! I didn't think you'd actually be able to pay! What are you both? Lawyers?!?
Rosie and Edward: Yes.
Me: Oh, okay then.
*_*
"No," Harry drawled. "Now he looks like a red-faced male blond bimbo. But keep the nose, I can't bear to look at that snake thing again."
So Lavender and Pavarti simply charmed his face to be the right color, put in green contacts, and died his hair black.
"Looks just like me…" Harry mused. "Except he doesn't have glasses. And I'm handsome enough. That's good."
*_*
Harry: I'm not that conceited!
Me: Harry….
Harry: Um…so that was simply BRILLIANT, oh great author!
Me: Good boy, Harry. *extends her arm, reaches down from the balcony and pats his head*
*_*
Then, in a fit of rage, Voldemort killed everyone, got his body back, and pretended to be Harry Potter from the future (since he was older than the real Harry), for the rest of his life.
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A\N: Didja like? Good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Um…don't pay attention to that…and please R/R! I know it was messed up! That was the point! Oh, and by the way, look for an after-the-show story, 'cause we still haven't got Harry and Ron singing their duet yet!
Hermione2