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Disclaimer:: I do not own the rights to Yu-gi-oh. I do not stake any legal claim on the characters,
plotlines, or concepts presented therein.

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Any Given Duel


		INTRO

*** On what appears to be a typical day, Yugi & Co. are wandering aimlessly and commenting 
*** loudly, in their usual fashion. 

[with child-like innocence]	
Yugi::	Wow! I certainly do enjoy my increasingly gaming-centric lifestyle. It allows me to 
	travel the world, unhindered by my convienently disposable family and school obligations!

[with obvious speech impediment]	
Joey::	On toppa dat, it helps us out in completing our chain of mundane quests...

[with an almost crack-induced level of enthusiasm] 	
Tea::	...and further justifies my semi-creepy adulation of a 14-year old midget!

*** Suddenly, a figure appears from behind a tree! ***

Inherently Evil Character Seeking Retribution::	Hello there, I embody principles which only an 
						2-year-old would object to. 

Yugi::	But are you a bully who has wronged my friends?

Inherently Evil Character Seeking Retribution::	Hang on a sec...

*** The evil-doer bluntly refers to Joey as a dog or dog-like individual. ***

[helplessly]	
Joey::	Whaazitz?

Inherently Evil BULLY Seeking Retribution::	Yes, I am now a clearly defined villain.

[adopting a holier-than-thou attitude]	
Yugi::	It's up to me to defend my much larger friend! And there's only one way to deal with a 
	bully...

[confused]	
Tea::	Challenge him to a popular children's game?

[ignoring her]
Yugi::	YU-GI-OHHHHHHHH!

		THE DUEL

IEBSR::	Pardon?

Yami::	Nothing. Please disregard my marked change in both voice and height. 

Yami & IEBSR::	DUEL!

IEBSR::	Since it's early in the match, I'll play supposedly intimidating monster card, and 
	combine it with ordinarily useless magic card to create a ferocious beast!

[with his indecipherable accent]
Joey::	Kick his butt, Yug!

[shouting needlessly]
Yami::	Since it's early in the match, I will seemingly lose all comprehension of the term 
	"defense mode" and play incredibly sucky monster card, in attack mode!

*** Yugi's weak monster is easily destroyed. ***

[gnashing his teeth audibly]
Yami::	Grrr.

[in his mind]
Yugi::	He's good. He knows every aspect of this game. Like... attacking and, uh... using cards 
	labeled "Magic".

[cackling maniacally and prematurely]
IEBSR::	Your life points have been slightly reduced, and my victory is imminent! I will now 
	recount my life's story in lurid detail.

Tea::	Don't let him psych you out, Yugi!

*** After a painfully long series of flashbacks... ***

[wistful]
IEBSR::	...and after my third wife's death from the same mysterious disease, my brother was 
	horribly murdered. Oh, and then there's the accident that left me bankrupt and 
	grotesquely disfigured...

[enraged]
Yami::	I've heard enough of your stories! No amount of widowing, murder, or disfigurement could 
	possibly take precedence over my moral objections. For you see, nauseating brochure for 
	faith and friendship.

Tea::	Don't let him psych you out, Yugi!

[flatly]
IEBSR::	Oh, and I question your belief system.

[bellowing]
Yami::	How DARE you question something as fundamental as the belief that true power can only be 
	derived from my unseemly fascination with inanimate objects!!!

IEBSR::	Your reasoning seems a little suspect, that's all.

[struggling to form a coherent sentence]
Joey::	Ya know, he's got a point, Yug.

[turning sharply]
Yami::	Shouldn't you be providing comic relief or something?

Joey::	I've already used the phrase "kick butt". What more do you want from me?

Yami::	Enough talk. Time for my obligatory mid-episode turnaround! For I summon... THE DARK 
	MAGICIAN to destroy supposedly intimidating monster card in one mighty blast!


*** IEBSR's monster is destroyed in a less-than-mighty blast. ***

*** Yami smirks. ***

*** Yami clenches his fist. ***

*** Yami chuckles ruefully. ***

[Having exhausted his full range of emotions, Yami stands there awkwardly]
Yami::	Uh... aren't you going to make your next move so I can deride it mindlessly?

IEBSR::	Very well. It's time to use incredibly masterful combo that destroys all of Yugi's 
	monsters except the Dark Magician! 

Yami::	Hmm.

[in his mind]
Yugi::	Holy $@&%!

[getting high on his/her own superiority]
IEBSR::	There's nothing you can do, Yugi! Take your LAST TURN.

Yami::	Oh, I'll take my LAST TURN alright.

*** After 20 minutes of mind-numbing introspection... ***

Yami::	...And now to draw the card that will BEGIN my... LAST TURN.

[rolling his eyes]
IEBSR::	Ugh.

*** Yami examines the card minutely. ***
 
[Pointing his finger, but not in a poor-substitute-for-a-handgun kind of way]
Yami::	You dueled well, IEBSR, but I've just drawn the one card I need to perform... 
	Lucky-Ass Combo, That More Often Than Not Involves The Dark Magician!!!!

IEBSR::	Lucky Ass Combo, yadda yadda yadda?! Although it sounds highly improbable, no one has 
	ever done THAT before! ...And I find your exclamation marks excessive.

[roaring]
Yami::	That's because I substitute yelling for personality!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

*** The field is lit up as IEBSR's ultimate monster is vaporized, along with his/her lifepoints. ***

Tea::	Don't let him psych you out, Yugi!

		EPILOGUE

Yami::	And now, while your spirit is crushed, I will delight in lecturing you on why you lost.

Yami::	blah blah blah Heart of Cards... 

[in his mind]
Yugi::	I'm the luckiest bastard alive.

Yami::	blah blah blah Revenge is bad...
 
Yami::	blah blah blah Friends are good...	

IEBSR::	This must be that "Mind Crush" I've heard so much about.