He remembers the lights. Red, white, blue, flashing around them. Years later, he can't remember the black gun held firmly in Mona's grip pointing towards the girls or Caleb across from them, his own silver gun pointing directly at Mona, while girl stood tall around him.
He remembers the lights. Flashing in the distance, moving closer with each passing moment. Moan didn't see them until it was too late. He can't quite remember the cops bursting onto the scene disarming Mona. He can't remember Caleb slip his gun back into his backpack. He does remember, however, them making eye contact for a second, and he can hear the words.
I know it's not your fault. I'll take care of them.
And his own.
Thank you.
He can't feel the handcuffs latch around his wrists.
He doesn't still see the girls being led into another car, all heading towards the police station.
He remembers the harsh light glaring down on them as he stares at his reflection in the one way glass. He doesn't remember Mona's silent act. He can't picture the guy from the FBI. He doesn't remember the questions that were asked well into the morning, but he remember telling them everything, as if it will help redeem himself.
Days later they get a visit from an attorney with their court date. He can't remember when it was, only the charges. Breaking and entering. Assault and battery. Attempted murder. That one's on Mona, though.
The lights in court hand from the ceiling, spreading a wide glow of light. When he enters the courtroom, he sees them. They are sitting up front, arms linked, and unlike any of the other people attending, they are all wearing black. Mourning colors. Not because they'll lose, he knows they won't, but because of what they've already lost. Later, he chooses the black tie instead of the blue, going against his lawyer's advice.
He doesn't remember the trial. Only that they lost, as he expected. He was given three to five in jail. Mona was given twenty-five to life. When the jury reads the verdict, the girls didn't stand and clap with the rest of courtroom. He understood why. There's no way to be happy about the wasted years of a person's life. Especially when you know so many others who deserved more.
They bring him to his cell. It has fluorescent lights that flicker on and off at certain points during the day. His cellmate is tall and dark skinned, but his eyes are kind. Not the eyes of a person who belongs there. Then again, neither is he. He learns his name is Theo, that he has a twelve year old daughter with cancer, and that he stole money from his company to pay for chemo. Every Sunday, after church, his wife and daughter visit him. Theo is not the type of person who belongs here. But Theo understands him, and doesn't ask about his story. When he finally tells him, Theo doesn't question why or how. He doesn't judge him. Theo simply asks how he feels, does he hate himself, are they okay. he answers I don't know, and Theo never asks again.
One day, in the lot outside Theo asks another question.
"You miss her?"
"Who?"
"Your girl."
"What?"
"You talk in your sleep. A lot. Even if you didn't, I'd still know. Her names-"
"Don't. Don't say it. Besides, she not mine anymore."
"But you still love her."
"Obviously. But that doesn't matter. She hates me. She's better off without me anyway."
"Whatever you say, man."
Theo never brings it up again. But her name hangs off his lips every second of everyday. One night, it all pours out. His mother, his step-sister, that night, jail, her, her friends, Mona. It all comes back to the flashing lights that he did nothing to get away from. Theo sits next to him and when it's over, pats his back, but doesn't make a sound.
Two months later, Theo is released, but visits him at least once a week. Sometimes they don't talk, they just sit there in silence, understanding each other. His daughter is in remission. he found a new job. his life is so, so good, but every week Theo takes an hour of two or five to sit in a room with him, just because.
His cellmates pass in and out, all younger than him, young men who have trashed cars or gone joyriding one too many times. None of them talk much past hellos and comment on the news, which he is fine with.
Two years in, he gets his weekly visit from Theo. But instead of a smile, he gets tight lips and a nervous look. The light in the room seem to dim.
"What is it, Theo?"
"Look man, don't get mad, but I couldn't just leave it. I went looking for information. About her, your girl. And...I found some."
He takes a breath. A million scenarios pass through his head.
"Tell me."
He doesn't speak, but simply passes a newspaper clipping over. It's from a college newspaper, one in California. He looks at it, and almost faints from shock. In the picture are three people, two he recognizes, one he doesn't but is sure he knows exactly who it is. They are sitting on a bench, The tan girl with dark hair has her arm around the pale, brown haired girl who has in her lap a girl who looks about one. The little girl is smiling toothily at the camera with brown hair and crystal blue eyes. And underneath the caption, Students Hastings and Emily Fields, with Spencer's one-year old daughter, Charlotte.
Passing the paper back to Theo, he feels like he's going to throw up.
"I have a daughter."
"You have a daughter. There's more, if you want."
"More?"
"Just small stuff."
"Sure."
"She lives with her friends in an apartment off campus. Her two friends. the third lives across the hall with her boyfriend. they've apparently never to been to a party, bar or club in the area. They live normal lives, pretty much."
"How do you know all this? Did you, like hire someone to tail them?"
"Well no, I, well I talked to them."
"You talked to them. To her."
"Well, no. I talked to Emily, and Hanna. And then Aria. I'm guessing they gave her a tip to not come home or something. They said she had class, but I don't know."
"She probably did. Have class, that is. God, what am I going to do?"
"I don't know, man. But between you and me, I think they forgave you a long time ago. They just needed time."
"I tortured them, Theo."
"I know. But you know, sometimes you just need to let go of the past to move on. I think they did. I also think that she needs you."
"Spencer. You can call her Spencer." As he said it, a huge weight felt like it was lifted off his chest.
"And your daughter needs you. And while you may not deserve them, that little girl sure as hell deserves a father."
"Okay, I get it. You're right. But what am I supposed to do stuck in here?"
"I don't know. But what I do know, is when you come out, I'll buy your ticket and drive you to the airport."
"Thanks, Theo."
"No problem, man. And good luck."
When Toby returns to his cell, it's like a whole new world has sprung up. He can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and knows for sure it's not just another train trying to run him down. he makes conversation with the kid in his cell, who's eighteen and worked for a valet service until he was caught joyriding. He has one more week of his month sentence left. Toby thinks about his year left, or maybe three, but surprisingly the light he sees doesn't dim.
A week later Theo is back with a smile, and a glint in his eye that wasn't there before. Toby doesn't question it. they talk about Theo's family and the girls. When Theo leaves Toby feels a little more free than he has in the past two years.
The next week he is approached by a guard who tells him that he will be released in two weeks. Two weeks! When he tells Theo this, he smiles and congratulates him. He looks nervous for a moment, but carries on.
Two weeks later, he exits the jail, stepping out into the bright sunlight under a blue sky. All of his possessions are gathered in a single suitcase. Looking out he sees a somewhat familiar car approach and slowly park. But it's not Theo who steps out of the car. For a second he can't believe it. But she walks towards him, tan skin and dark hair and pulls him into a hug, he can't help but smile and hug her back. She whispers a Thank you, followed by an I missed you. He says he misses her too, and then Emily pulls away and smiles, and leads him to the car. He climbs in the passenger side. She starts by telling him about Theo's visit, about how she wanted to be the one to pick him up. She talked about how Theo told them how kind and regretful Toby was.
"We forgive you. We talked about it, a lot. We forgive you."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't. No more apologizing. There's nothing to be sorry for. It's over, Toby. We're free."
The rest of the car ride is in silence. They arrive at the airport find their gate and board the plane. Toby asks how everyone is. Emily talks about her and the swimming scholarship she got, about Hanna's design classes and modeling studio, and Caleb's tech scholarship. She talks about Aria's major in writing, and the photography she does. She pauses and Toby gives her a look that says "Go on."
"Spence is studying business. It's pretty easy, and she's got all her classes pushed into four days. Which is awesome, for her and for Char."
"Business?"
"Yeah. She's the brains behind Hanna's store, but doesn't want the credit. We live just outside campus, but we have a summer place on the beach. It's great. Six bedrooms, but it's tiny."
"Sounds perfect."
"It is. You're scared aren't you? Toby, listen, you don't have anything to be afraid of. I promise."
He smiled. Emily always had a way of spinning the best possible outcome, but he believed her. It would be okay.
The plane landed in California. As he stepped off, a familiar shriek sounded and he was nearly knocked over by Hanna. Hanna hugged Emily and they made their way to a taxi.
"Aria would be here. But she found some awesome tides pools by the water so she's taking pictures before the tide comes in. Spence and Char are at the zoo, I think. We're going to meet up with Aria and then go out to dinner."
"Awesome," said Emily, "he's terrified.
"Don't be. Believe me. Spence is so excited."
"Spence doesn't know he's here."
"She doesn't?" Toby asked.
"She thinks you're coming in a month. But she's excited. And I mean really excited."
They stopped outside a whitewashed building, which Hanna explained was their summer house. Aria was at the water's edge, snapping pictures. Looking up, she saw them and ran towards them, also throwing her arms around him.
"This is awesome," she said.
They were picked up by Caleb, who smiled and welcomed Toby back. They drove into the city, to an apartment building. Emily practically dragged him into the elevator and when they reached the seventh floor, pushed him towards the apartment. She unlocked the door. Inside, the apartment was brightly lit, with comfy couches and a white tiled kitchen. Emily led him to the guest room to pout his suitcase down. Aria bounced in.
"She's here."
"I should probably char so she doesn't drop her."
Emily left, and managed to get Charlotte away, while Aria shoved Toby into the hall. When he entered the living room, Spencer was putting her bag down her hair blocking her vision. She looked up, saw him and a look of amazement and delight crossed her face. And suddenly, she's in his arms and he's holding her tight and never wants to let go. She whispers I love you. He whispers I love you too.
Years later, Toby realizes that he can't remember the lights on the police cars, or the light of the courtroom. He doesn't need to. He does however remember the spotlight shining on his daughter at her first dance recital. The lights that lit up his wedding night. And the lights in their summer home, as they dance under the stars.