Disclaimer... *buries her head in her arms and weeps*. I own none of it ok? OK?!?!? They're not mine!! *sob* They belong to JK Rowling. *Sniffle* And I promise I'm making no profit. *Blows nose loudly*.

Dedication... This is a wedding gift to my new wife Bally. Why? Well, aside from her being pretty and so deserving a wedding gift, this fic is the same as she is...short, funny, gay and slightly insane.

Warning... Ok...this fic mentions sexual relations between two men! No! Shock! Horror! If you don't like that, leave now before anything corrupts you and makes you want to read more! If you're still here, don't worry....it's not graphic. This is amusing slash rather than graphic.

Archive... As with everything I write, if you want it, just give me an email asking nicely (and possibly offering chocolate ice-cream and kittens). Oh, it's also in the SBRL group. Enjoy!

~ Suntans and Grass Verges ~

Remus Lupin sat outside on a lounger, trying to perfect his tan. He was hoping nice brown skin would also darken his wolf fur. The current golden-brown clashed with the interior decor of his house. Suddenly a big black dog morphed in to a tall handsome man and leapt on him.

"Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!" Remus jumped to his feet. "Sirius? What the hell are you doing?"

Sirius looked bemused. "Um, continuing our torrid relationship that began at Hogwarts when you realised you were gay and I realised the only reason I was shagging everything in sight was to try and get over you. So now I'm here to put a whole new meaning into the words 'lie low'."

Remus frowned. "Torrid relationship? What? I'm not gay!"

Sirius pointed to the part about the hug in the Shrieking shack. Remus pointed to the bit that said 'like a brother.' Sirius pointed to where Remus was thinking about his fur clashing. Remus scowled.

"Anyway...that doesn't mean that we've had a torrid affair! I mean, we've never even kissed!!!"

Sirius stood up and stroked his stubbly and ruggedly handsome chin. "Hmmm...I think I know what's going on here...this must be some sort of fanfiction mix up!"

"Huh?" Remus stood staring with one hand on his cocked hip. He was not happy about the use of the word 'cock' in his description.

"Aha!" Sirius held a hand in the air with a finger extended. "You must be denial!Remus."

"I am not."

"See?"

Remus scowled again. "Well who are you?"

"I'm sexy!insatiable!Sirius. Just out of Azkaban yet still up for it since giving up my slag ways because I fell in love with you."

Remus blushed. "Either that or raving-willy-woofter!Sirius."

Sirius scowled. Then he brightened. "So I guess I'm here to show you what life's all about and snap you out of your denial." He rubbed his hands together gleefully, not looking too unhappy with the prospect. Remus took a step away from him.

"So who's that?" He pointed to someone in mauve leather trousers mincing through his garden gate. "He looks like me!"

Sirius looked from one to the other. His eyes lit up. "Two Reemies?!?" His grin grew bigger.

The leather-clad man looked at him. "I'm not Remus, I'm Romulus."

Remus looked confused. "The Star Trek planet?" He blushed as both men turned to stare at him. "What? I only saw it once because nothing else was on...I mean it's not as though I wear my uniform when I go to conventions." He clapped a hand over his mouth.

Sirius chuckled. "This is your long lost identical twin brother Romulus."

Remus stared. "I don't have a long lost brother."

Romulus looked at him with pity. "If you knew about me I wouldn't be long lost would I!" Remus frowned at him.

Sirius appeared to have been thinking. He was stroking his chin in the hopes that it might be called handsome again. He spoke to Romulus.

"Hang on...he's in denial, but you look well up for it!"

Romulus looked him up and down appraisingly. "Sure. But I must tell you that I turn out to be evil."

"Evil schmevil, I don't care as long as I get some."

Romulus shrugged. "Ok."

"Hey!" Remus stepped in between the two. "I thought you were here to show me 'what life's all about'! And you said you were all in love with me and stuff."

Sirius looked hard-done by. "You backed off!"

"Well I've been getting used to the idea. Didn't take you long to get over it." Remus looked huffy.

Sirius glanced from one to the other and made a frustrated noise. "But you're both so pretty!!"

Romulus grinned. "Told you. Evil." He then noticed Remus stroking his trousers.

"Sorry, I was just wondering how you get into these things."

"A crane and a prayer." He turned to Sirius. "You certainly don't love him for his long attention span." Sirius nodded sagely. He carried on watching Remus stroke Romulus with a gleam in his eye.

Remus noticed. "Deviant!"

Sirius tried to look innocent. "I'm sorry! But there's two of you!"

Remus put his hands on his hips. "Yes, but it would be wrong!"

A voice came from the grass. "Yeah, plus twincest is our realm." All three looked round to see Fred and George kissing on the ground.

Remus winced and looked away. "Ewwwwww."

Romulus walked up for a closer look. "Er...how old are they?"

Sirius pondered. "I think they must be 18 because if they weren't they would not be doing anything dirty. It's a fanfic rule." Romulus looked pleased and joined them.

Remus turned away completely. "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!" Sirius patted him on the arm consolingly, taking the opportunity to stroke him.

A light came on him Remus' eyes and Sirius grinned. "Now this is the Remus I came to see." Remus growled and rugby tackled him to the floor. Soon the only sounds to be heard from the Lupin house were the pretty noises of many men having filthy sex.

The End.