DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN S*&T!
The Intro Arc:
Hargeon Train Station...
"We're pretty much the same as the canon (for now)." Happy stated as Natsu laid face-down on the train platform.
"I'm based off Elle Ragu." Alyssa stated.
"This is like the tenth fanfiction I've been in." A bored Zeke stated. "Let's go find Igneel."
"Bitchin'!" A revitalized Natsu yelled.
Later, the group were cutting through hoards of brain-washed women.
"Igneel?" Natsu asked the blue-haired slaver.
"I'm not Igneel."
"Then go f&^k yourself."
The fangirls then proceeded to throw Zeke at a dumpster. "Ow, my arrow!"
"I'm Lucy." The walking fanservice girl (in canon) introduced herself. "Wanna grab lunch?"
"Your loss." Alyssa stated. A few minutes later, Natsu, Alyssa and Happy were eating to the sound vacuum cleaners, much to Lucy's horror.
"I've made a terrible mistake." The blonde realized.
Que Natsu and Alyssa in a 'couple trance' while Careless Whisper plays in the background, followed by the sounds of hundreds of NaLu shippers crying.
Later...
Zeke crashes through the roof of Salamander's yacht. "Knock, knock, motherf&*kers!"
"Wait, didn't we skip a bunch of scenes?" Lucy asks.
"No one cares about filler!"
Que tidal wave that crashes the boat into the bay.
"Well that was random." Salamander said from the wreckage.
"Bora the Prominence! You have failed this city!" Zeke said from the top of the wreckage as he, Natsu and Alyssa struck some badass poses.
"...Really?" Lucy asked, questioning the random Arrow reference.
"Poser says what?" Natsu says with a flaming fist.
"What?" Bora replies, only to be punched into a bell tower. The four then had to get away from the military.
The Next Day...
"We should do something!" A member of the Magic Council stated.
"Should we do something?" Jellal asked. This continued for hours because politics.
"We back, bitches!" Natsu yelled as he kicked the doors to Fairy Tail open and started a riot.
"Let me introduce you to everyone." Zeke said to Lucy, doing just that. "This is Cana..."
(Que incomprehensible drunken slurs)
"Gray..."
"I'm the Mr. Fanservice Trope. Hello, ladies." The shirtless Ice Wizard stated.
"Elfman..."
"Good afternoon, chaps." A randomly british Elfman greeted.
"And Mirajane."
"I used to be a total bitch." The smiling bartender said.
"Damn straight you were." Alyssa chimed in.
"Victor is mine!" Natsu yelled, only be stomped on by a gigantic Makarov.
"Everybody calm your s*&t!"
"Sorry." A tiny voice stated.
Later...
"My dad's missing!" Romeo cried.
"I'm extremely indifferent." A tiny Makarov replied, only to get socked in the jaw.
"Well, I know what we're doing today." Zeke stated.
"Can I come too?" Lucy asked.
"Sure, just as long as you have winter cloths." Alyssa answered.
"Why would I need winter..."
Cut to Mount Hakebe...
"IT'S SO F$%KING COLD!" Lucy cried out.
"Told ya." The amazon said.
And then the Vulcan showed up.
"Let's spank this monkey!" Zeke stated.
(Que George Takai 'Oh my!' clip)
"It turns out Macao was the vulcan." Natsu explained.
"How convenient." Happy stated.
A week later, at Lucy's new apartment...
"Want to join our crew?" Zeke asked.
"Hell's ya!" Lucy answered with excitement.
"Then put on a maid costume!" Happy ordered.
"Why?"
"Because both our canon and ficfic writers are perverts." Alyssa explained as Natsu's brain went straight to the gutters.
"I need you to find a book." Kaby Melon ordered the team.
"I found a book!" Lucy exclaimed.
"Burn it to the ground!" Kaby yelled out.
"Another satisfied customer." Natsu said as the five walked away.
The next day...
"Hey Gray." Zeke said as Morningstar bumped into the still shirtless man.
"Sup, bitches."
"Bagawk!" The chicken-looking dark wizard chuckled until Alyssa punched him.
"F(*king pelicans!" She yelled out.
And then the dark wizards were eaten by the ground.
"Well that seems ominous." Zeke replied as his team was freaked out, followed by the sound of evil laughter that sounded suspiciously like Takahata101.
Note: If you did not find this funny, rest knowing that the writer will pay for his crime.
(Que Scanners Head Explosion clip)
Happy Holidays, Y'all!