Thank you to J.K. Rolling, who practically gave birth to these characters, with all their history and story, and thank you, my two lovely friends, for helping me raise my own little story
xxx
A seventh year student of Hogwarts sat before the fireplace in the Gryffindor tower, one December night, a book in her lap. Her complexion was of a delicate colour. Her eyes flashed greener than any of the Slitherin's emeralds. She pursed her lips just as someone shuffled into the room, causing her to lift her eyes in surprise.
"James!" she straightened in her seat in a strike, pulling her shoulders back. "What in the world-"
James laughed, putting a hand through his dark hair and taking off his home-made scarf, throwing it on one of the arm chairs around. "Parents on a second honeymoon. I brought Sirius with me, of course, he's somewhere behind me, teasing the portraits in the hall," he dropped into a cushy chair next to her. "Sorry I surprised you, I bet you wanted some peace-"
"No!" she rose from her seat, then sat down again. Why did she get up anyway? "You really didn't- I mean, you didn't even know I meant to stay here for Christmas!" She finished with a relieved breath. James smiled apologetically. "Truth is- I did know. I heard you talking 'bout it with Mary- How's she, anyway?"
"Fine, the usual. Went to Spain for a tour."
"Evans?"
"Yes?"
"Why are you here?"
Lily caressed her book's cover absently. It was all very…self-conscious. She spoke slowly: "My sister brought home her new boyfriend, Vernon," she said in a leveled voice, running her eyes through the round, cozy room. "You don't… I sort of… have a hard time with her. Her boyfriend is pretty much… Umm, questionable, you know, and around him she becomes more of a… Errr…"
"Prat?" James suggested.
"No!" Lily's face twisted painfully for a moment. "She isn't a prat, just difficult. And she is more unreachable next to Vernon."
"I see." James turned in his seat, facing her with a soft expression. "So no happy Christmas for you?"
"I guess no…"
They sat there for a while till Sirius burst into the room, all laughing and wild-eyed.
xxx
Lily didn't even make friendly gestures towards those two for six years. She resented them; How they acted, what they said, the way they thought themselves capable of treating people unkindly, just because they themselves didn't care.
In the last months of sixth year, she stopped caring as well. Maybe she'd got used to them, maybe they improved. It didn't matter to her. The painful relationship which tied them together ended a year earlier, and since then they meant pretty much nothing to her. She didn't need to rebel against them any longer.
Well, the apathy grew to be some sort of appreciation. they were better. Less fucked up, indeed.
On the first few days of seventh year, they became people, more than characters.
Now they were going to spend Christmas together.
Lily had a feeling that this wasn't going to pass by as nothing more than a sentence or two of politeness.
"We rule this place!" shouted Sirius, sliding smoothly passed a tricky corner on the first floor. Lily followed, almost falling forward with laughter, breathless, starry-eyed, her cheeks flashing childishly. James, sliding beside her, felt his stomach nearly aching with the happiness of being next to her like that. It hurt, that emotion, that pressure in his guts.
They had a socks-sliding race across the fortress. The other students who remained there for the holidays peered out from the rooms to look at them, resembling sleepy owls in every way possible. James bumped into Hagrid, bent to pass between the giant legs, and was slightly behind the other two. With a cry of sheer joy, Sirius crossed the Great Hall, tearing the golden ribbon they prepared there. Lily clashed into him forcefully, dragging both of them to the floor.
It was the best first-day-of-Christmas-holidays she's ever had.
James fell on them, opening his arms wildly. As though he wanted to embrace the entire universe, Lily thought.
At that moment, that was exactly what he wanted.
xxx
Lily had never seen James eat. Ever. She never sat anywhere near him, or else her temper would be aflame in the matter of seconds. She never glanced in his direction, or else her face would freeze in distaste.
It was quite a funny show.
They sat before her across the table, looking like a pair of ill-trained twins, picking at each other's plates, pushing each other off their seats to get the better parts of the servings. Sirius was more graceful, elegant, she thought, while James acted all homey and cheeky, yet, (now she noticed) charmingly boyish.
She couldn't believe it went through her head; She smiled absently to herself, charmingly boyish? What in Merlin's arse…
James laid his eyes on her, his features softening, his stare fond. She was so… what? What was she that no one else, no other girl, was?
Nothing, James. It's all about the combination of traits and qualities.
Well, he liked her combination better than any other.
"Bloody hell, stop looking like a cow, James, and pass me the sauce," Sirius said.
Smooth, James thought. Very elegant, mate.
xxx
"I wish we had an adventure." Sirius was speaking breezily, waving his arms in a gesture that reminded Lily of The Little Mermaid. They were back in the common room, taking all the good seats, close to the fireplace. "Like all those spooky Christmas tales they always tell baby magicians on the holidays? I wish we'd found a portal to, whatever-"
"Disney World?" suggested Lily, still thinking about Mermaids.
"What?" both the boys said at once. Then she had to explain to them all about the most magical place most muggles had ever been at.
"Wait a sec," Sirius sounded stunned, "you're saying that there are adults there, putting on costumes, acting out as extremely foolish and glittery fairly-tales characters?"
"And people get excited about such sights?" added James, lying comfortably in an armchair, his long legs hanging off one edge.
Lily obviously felt that she failed passing off the beautiful idea of Disney World.
"No, see, it's very lovely, really," she turned to the fire, putting her hair behind her ear, revealing a purple drop of gem on her earlobe, "everyone is so cheerful, and you find such smiley people all around, and the parade is very colourful, and you simply can't be blue there."
"According to you, the Genie totally can…" James was grinning in mischievous, as though he just came out with the smartest joke ever made.
She looked at him very sternly for a long, humorous moment, then quickly glanced at Sirius.
She then burst laughing.
What was happening, right there and then, what was she taking part in, willingly? Happily? How could she enjoy exchanging looks and lines with those two...insufferable boys?
What would've crossed Severus's mind if he was watching them being all chummy and careless with each other?
The thought scraped her inside out. Of him spending a grey, lonesome, vapid Christmas at home without her, for the second time in years. No happy Christmas for her, James said? No happy Christmas for Sev. Worse than unhappy. Miserable.
He always made everything miserable. And she fought it for long, but it's really, very hard to love misery.
It was far easier, more than that, meaningful, to her at least, to love joy. Live joy.
Right there and then, with those two boys, it was as though joy had grown legs and arms and wrapped itself around her.
She gave in to its embrace.
"What if we'd climb down the chimneys of the school, dressed up as Santa Claus, and bring everyone Cockroach Clusters? Oh!" Sirius threw his hands in the air, dramatically, "What if we made Peeves dress up like Santa!?"
"Drop it mate, you're wasting energy on a pair of lazy arses," James yawned. How strange, Lily couldn't recall James yawning. He always looked like a lightning bolt to her, buzzing with energy.
"Pfft. I'm making Christmas fun. You would have done absolutely nothing amusing if I weren't around."
"Yeah?" James scratched the back of his head, "by far, you didn't do much but sucking on our souls- Oh my Wand-" he sat up so fast, he almost fell over his knees, head forth, to the floor. "What if we made a dementor peer down the chimneys?"
Lily felt like her heart was going to pop out of her chest with laughter. "What-" she had to breathe, but just couldn't- "What were you doing in Hogwarts all these year, instead of joining Zonko's business?"
"You kidding me?" James frowned, "there's no better place for making trouble in the whole wild world than here." He was trying to picture a dementor in Santa's miter, but his mind was mostly caught on Lily's earing, and the way it reflected the fire and turned it to a gleaming dot of light against her wonderful hair. Wonderful. Her hair was the colour of her soul. It was the colour of bravery.
He sat now with his head resting heavily on the backrest of his chair, and there was something about the flat, absent-minded movement of his chin that made her gooey and smoky inside. He was kind of nice, really, more than nice, worthwhile. He seemed like a kind friend.
And a damn cruel bastard to everybody else. She changed her position in the chair, uncomfortably.
Not to everybody else. Severus. And Sev was definitely not just a somebody.
Merlin, James was vain.
No. He wasn't.
He used to be vain.
Ha! He used to be, but isn't any longer! That's the catch, right? He's perfectly fine now. Better than fine. You would more than like him if you'd met him now for the first time, eh?
You lost the battle. Damn it, but you lost. Stop giving yourself reasons to resent him. It isn't your job anymore.
Such a shame, though. She was really getting professional at it.
It was her last thought before she fell asleep.
xxx
"Lil. Hey, Lil…"
Lil?
She felt a hand squeezing her shoulder. The touch sent quivers throughout her body, breaking her open, releasing her senses like someone blowing off a dandelion.
"Mmmm?"
Her eyes fixed on a face hovering above her. A pair of eyes staring into hers in a questioning glare. Interesting, she thought. She never before had noticed the magnificence of a face's surface.
Magnificence? She really was using extremely ridiculous phrases lately… Charmingly boyish…
"Hey, Lil."
She rolled up in her seat. Her head hit something tough, yet plump. And soft. A backrest. "Hummm…" Her thoughts weren't awakened yet. Her tounge seemed to improvise speaking for the first time, "only friends call me Lil…"
That woke her up completely. What has she said?
"That's alright," she could hear the stumble in James's voice, "Lily, then. We should head down to breakfast soon."
Her eyes were too wide open in her pale, morning face. James thought he might see through them into the inside of her head if he looked hard enough.
"Sorry." She sat up stiffly. "Sorry, sorry sorry. That was so rude of me. You count as a friend."
He grinned apologetically. "Sure thing, you too. I should've probably let you sleep for longer, or wake you up differently…"
"No!" She got off the chair. "No! I wouldn't want to miss it. The Christmas feast is tonight, right?"
Of course it was tonight.
She climbed up the stairs to the girls' dorms, feeling as though her internal organs were trying to burst out of her skin.
She felt disgusting.
xxx
James wandered around Hogwarts, going up and down the endless amount of staircases. It was very confusing. The feeling that you get when you walk into a room and don't realize how and why did you get there kept coming to him, every time he stopped his walk to find himself staring at a door. Or a wall. Or a portrait.
The existence of other living creatures (or their immortalization, whatever), just being anywhere in the same building as he was, their ability to witness him, drove him slightly mad. It happened sometimes. Usually that was why he turned vicious. Usually that was how he felt when Lily Evans was near by.
It was some sort of restlessness. Maybe… maybe the need to hide.
Just so nobody could look at him and think anything at all that has to do with him.
He didn't want to have any impact on their thoughts.
Because, what if that impact would be unpleasant?
What if she would have any more reasons to walk away?
xxx
Lily wanted to walk away from him. To orgenize her thoughts. To let her vitality, her wit, arise. Those dullness and numbness which occupied her self expression around James (and Sirius, to be fair. But only because he had so much to do with James. And because he seemed to be Jamse's other half. And because she was mad at him, too, for so long), bothered her terribly. She knew that she wanted something, but wasn't sure what. She knew that she didn't want to be this kind of disntant person around James at all. She felt wrong.
She recognized the meaning of this situation. She recognized the changes it brought, and the possibilities it might drag behind.
She wanted to get away from all of that for a little while, because all those possibilities seemed to be one step ahead of her, and she needed to find herself, and her will, in them.
Did she have to? Find herself in them?
Wouldn't it mean that she put herself in them? Wouldn't that mean her choosing the change? Prefering it over any other path?
Well, she looked out to the frosted lawns and dark, boney silhouettes of the trees of the Forbidden Forest, she might prefer it. She might actually want to live the path that contained James Potter.
She didn't know in which way, that's all.
And she really didn't know how to be herself in such path.
xxx
He didn't know how to look at her. How to talk to her.
For a long, long while, she was something he fought with himself about. A wish he had to pull towards him, then push away or else he'd go stern crazy. For so long, he looked at her as something unreachable.
Now she was just there.
Now there were endless possibilities for a begining.
No, he corrected himself, no. They were already past the begining. Or they might were living it at the moment. There were endless possibilities for a continuance.
xxx
They made him want to cry, and laugh. Then cry again. They were so hopeless. He didn't understand it a bit.
That's because he didn't feel anything of the sort, ever, in his life.
James was his soulmate. Let's admit that: Sometimes your soulmate isn't your lover, but your best friend. Sometimes your Chosen One isn't the one you choose to marry, but your chosen brother.
To Sirius, Lily was a part of James. Not because James had longed for her for almost seven years. Nah. She was simply a part of his best friend, his Chosen One. They weren't destined. That's stupid. Nobody's destined for anybody. People grow into each other. Into affection and love. The people you love aren't destined for you. They're the people you happen to meet in your life, to grow into. They're the ones you choose to love.
James chose Lily years ago. Sirius saw that now, she was starting to choose him. Even not as a lover. Just...as a Chosen One. Someone to grow into. Grow with.
They were sitting, facing each other, across the table. Their souls were half ripped off their bodies, in Sirius's eyes, as they were near each other. There was nowhere else to look. He thought magnets were a stupid metaphor for attraction, but now he got it. They weren't attracted to each other like the ends of two different magnets. Positive and negative. No. They were the same, so attached that being so near each other, physically and mentally, caused them to throw themselves farther apart.
It really ruined his dinner, all this gained affection. His Christmas dinner.
"Would you like more Pie?" he politely offered the plate to the kid who sat next to him, "I think it's a tad too sweet for me at the moment."
The kid raised an eyebrow, and took the plate without a 'thank you.' He probably just wanted the weird seventh year student to leave him alone.
James watched them, frowning his brow. "You're being a serious twonk right now, you know," he told his best friend.
Sirius shrugged. "I know I'm being a Sirius…"
Lily pushed her plate an inch towards him. "Here, Sirius, I wouldn't mind some pie." Something in her smiled flashed at him teasingly. "You kidding?" he teared a piece of chicken off the bone, "no way I make eye contact with this kid again."
She grinned, drawing a pale hand to reach for the pie. "Thanks!" she said to the still-awkward kid, sternly. He blinked, then decided to ignore all three of them completely. It made James rejoice.
"You know, Evans, all these years, I had no idea you could be so mean to little children."
"Shut up, Sirius, if that's being mean, you'd already be in prison," she made a face, carving the pie. "And anyway, you didn't know me at all."
"True. I knew you only as Sniveluss's little knight."
James shook his head in a nearly invisible movement. Lily lifted her face to look at Sirius's amused expression, her mouth somewhat tensed. "You," she pointed at him with the carving knife (it was stained with cherry, and looked very creepy, as though she'd just finished someone off), "are Severus's little bully. You're a heartless, cruel, cynical bastard, and you've got some luck to be alive and well after treating a wizard like him the way you did. The way you do."
Then she lowered her eyes and kept messing with her pie. She didn't seem furious, still Sirius felt something stinging his stomach. Probably shame. He wasn't very used to feeling it.
James was examining his face. Sirius was tempted to say, "What about our friend here? What about all he's done?" But he wasn't eight, and couldn't do that to the damned boy. To his Chosen One. "I don't enjoy torturing bunnies, you know, Evans," he said levelly, considering every word, "your Severus isn't an easy person to deal with. Actually, you seem to be the only one he cares a mite about. I don't think I should've been so cruel to him, but, honestly, I'm not sorry for most things I've done. He detested our existence, we detested his back."
"Huh?" she didn't look up. "You shouldn't be telling me all that. I'm not making excuses for him or trying to explain his behavior anymore." She put a mouthful of pie through her lips, "just wanted to prove you what a shallow acquaintance we have. I mean, you may be all those things towards Severus, but these can't be your only qualities, or else even James wouldn't be your friend."
James leaned his elbows on the table. "You sound like such a mum..."
Lily opened a Christmas Cracker forcefully next to his ear as an answer.
She was all right, that Evans.
xxx
The feast turned Lily into a stuffed Turkey herself. It could've been an awful feeling if she wasn't seating in a fire-lit, warm room, full of cushions and rugs, wearing thick wool slippers, with a pair of jolly seventeen year olds.
She suddenly realized how many days were left until school started again. All of this wasn't going to end after Santa came to visit. There were gonna be a few more days of sheer fun, light thoughts, and easy going comradeship.
"That's truly all I want for Christmas," she wondered sleepily.
"Ey-oh, ballerina, you're losing it, better head to bed," warned Sirius, watching her eyelids drop, then flutter back open, heavily. "You're not about to wait for Santa, are you?"
"Mmmm… nope," she said, wobbling to the stairs, "but I may want to wait for a miracle. Or a pack of cigarettes…"
Lying peacefully in bed, with no noise for her to hear but her own thoughts, it landed on her.
She didn't have any presents for Sirius and James.
You'd think it wasn't such a big deal, but Lily inhaled sharply, feeling as though her stomach was filled with water. She felt like a traitor.
No. She felt as though she was letting her happy possibilities down.
Sirius wasn't a problem, she could find something nice and funny for him. Yes- she had a small album filled with magicked photos of wizards sneezing, and baby wizards tasting lemon for the first time. He would love that.
But James was something else.
It really mattered what she gave him. What sort of possibility she offered him.
A picture of herself?
Seriously?
No way.
Nothing silly, she didn't think anything funny in his context. Nothing romantic- she wasn't romantic. Not yet. Nothing offensive-
A letter?
She sprang to her feet. A letter was a fine idea.
Was it?
Yes, it was…! Depends on what was written in it.
She didn't even bother to throw on a robe (only her wool slippers. Merlin, they were good) before she turned on the lights, and sitting on the floor beside the canopy bed, she pressed her pen's inky tip to a blank sheet of paper.
xxx
James had already had Lily's present ready with the rest. He'd prepared one the moment he knew they were spending Christmas together- it was the obvious act. And most hopeful one.
Now he was wondering whether it was a good gift or not.
Maybe he should've given her fudge, or candy or whatever.
Sirius told him once never to give a girl food. She'd take it as an offense. Somehow, James didn't think that rule worked on Lily, too.
He didn't believe in that rule anyway, but it scared him off, so he decided on something that wasn't eatable.
He couldn't wait until the morning. When Lily will apear. She was ten times better than a fat, merry, old man.
He couldn't fall asleep, even though he knew how good it will be to wake up to such reality all over again.
xxx
The hour was late. Even though Lily was about to turn seventeen in a month or so, the delight of the surprise and mirth of Christmas still washed her over as she looked at the clock. It was past one in the morning. Santa- or the house elves, did it matter to her?- was about to arrive.
A new day was about to arrive.
She slid under her blankets. They were dark crimson and velvety, and light as a cloud. With them around her, she felt as though she was already dreaming before she was fast asleep.
xxx
James woke up, feeling his muscles flexing in expectation.
Nothing. His pile was as big as usual. No other gift was added on top.
xxx
Lily woke up, feeling the letter, silky and thin, under her cheek.
She fell asleep with it tucked in her palm.
This time when she got out of bed, she remembered the robe.
xxx
Hurrying downstairs. What for? What did he expect to find there?
He didn't expect anything. He just… expected.
xxx
As she crossed the common room, he stepped in her direction. There was a flower in his hand.
They stood by the fireplace. Cold, watery air broke through the wide windows.
She smiled brilliantly, "I thought I may as well give this to you in person," she said, handing him the letter.
The paper was smooth. Her fingertips felt like raindrops.
"I was thinking the same, though I had my own reasons…"
He held out the lily. Its leaves were golden, its heart was red. "Oh," she breathed, "it's beautiful. Thank you."
"Merry Christmas, Lily."
"Merry Christmas. And call me Lil."
James put his arm gaily through hers. "Shouldn't we wake up Sirius?"
They were leaving the room slowly, smiles smeared all over their faces.
"Yes. Or maybe we could steal all his presents first…"
"Whatever you'd like, Lil."
"Don't overuse it, or I'll start calling you Jaime."